Boyfriend has a problem with menstruation

LegacyUser · 14-04-2015 1:21am

bjork wrote: »

No, sorry. Some religions have issues with menstruation and rules regarding women and how it should it be handled.

In our multi cultural society, it should be a consideration

That's all. The OP doesn't have to answer anything

I totally agree with you, I know that in the Russian Orthodox Church that women are considered unclean when manstruating and not allowed to go to church or receive holy communion as it is consider a sin.

It could be that the OP's boyfriend is from a different culture to ours and that what he considers his beliefs as right

hopgog · 14-04-2015 4:09am

****ting happens. Fact. It's not unnatural and it's not the persons fault.
We can't help being made this way.

****ting on the sheets is something that has happened to every single person at some stage in her life.

You can't always predict EXACTLY when your curry and 8 can's of beer passed out drunk ****s will arrive.

You can't go around wearing a diaper in anticipation of a **** on a night you're not expecting it to happen.

Your SO sounds strange, OP, and most people I know are discreet enough when it comes to ****ting, i.e keeping their Loo roll in a press, not announcing it to all and sundry when they're tending to themselves in the bathroom.

I don't get why there's this taboo around a normal bodily function and if your SO can't deal with this, there's something not right with them.

ViveLaVie · 14-04-2015 5:47am

hopgog wrote: »

****ting happens. Fact. It's not unnatural and it's not the persons fault.
We can't help being made this way.

****ting on the sheets is something that has happened to every single person at some stage in her life.

You can't always predict EXACTLY when your curry and 8 can's of beer passed out drunk ****s will arrive.

You can't go around wearing a diaper in anticipation of a **** on a night you're not expecting it to happen.

Your SO sounds strange, OP, and most people I know are discreet enough when it comes to ****ting, i.e keeping their Loo roll in a press, not announcing it to all and sundry when they're tending to themselves in the bathroom.

I don't get why there's this taboo around a normal bodily function and if your SO can't deal with this, there's something not right with them.

What nonsense is this?

OP he needs to grow up. The first time I had sex with my boyfriend my period came unexpectedly in the middle of it! There was blood on the sheets after.

I was absolutely mortified. Cue my boyfriend reassuring me, taking the sheets and scrubbing them by hand himself personally while I had a cup of tea. He wouldn't hear of me cleaning them myself, told me to relax!

It's a normal bodily function, sometimes it calls without warning but it shouldn't make you feel dirty or in any way inadequate. It happens to half the population every month for God's sake!

strobe · 14-04-2015 8:17am

He might not be able to help how he feels regarding periods, people are uncomfortable or weird about all kinds of things. Went out with a girl before who found someone cutting their fingernails gross. She knew it was something everyone did etc, but didn't want it done in front of her, and didn't like to see nail scissors lying around. Weird, but not a massive deal.

He sounds oblivious to how his comments are making you feel. Sounds like this can be solved with a simple conversation. "Bob, I know you probably don't realise, but you making comments like that time in the hotel, is making me feel really self conscious, it's not very nice. Having periods isn't something I can help. You could be a little more considerate."

He'll probably be mortified that his comments have effected you like this as he's probably got no idea.

You're not going to make him feel fine with menstruation, and there's no reason he has to be, but he can be aware not to make you feel bad or gross or whatever because of it, and you can be aware that it's something he's a bit uncomfortable about and keep that in mind.

There's no reason this has to be a big thing between you.

DeltaWhite · 14-04-2015 9:29am

I do agree with Strobe I have to say, there are things that gross me out for no reason at all and I think other people would think I was strange if I told them these things

The difference between me and that guy, is that I keep my mouth shut and keep my thoughts to myself because I know others wouldn't understand!

I would be completely turned off that bloke. His reaction is way OTT. I would be feeling like a bold child every month when shark week rolls around and it would make me feel bad about myself. That's not what a partner is supposed to make you feel like.

So if you feel like you can put up with this -fine. But if not, definitely bring it up with him about how it makes you feel and take it from there.

Dolbert · 14-04-2015 10:07am

We're not talking about period sex here, her boyfriend won't even share a bed with her during her period! How's that going to work if you move in together? He fups off to the spare room for a week every month? As has been said before, I'd hate to see this guy in the delivery room and in the weeks after a baby. Imagine that lack of support, the refusal to even be near you when all you need is a cuddle. No way, no how I'd be putting up with it (and the post comparing it to ****ting the bed is ridiculously moronic).

retro:electro · 14-04-2015 10:33am

I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and suggest that maybe he just has a phobia of blood but having read his comment about your tampon in your bag it is definitely something more than that. I would definitely have a chat with him op and suss out what exactly his problem is. He is going to have to get over this especially if you are planning on living together. You'll want to have the comfort of leaving your "paraphernalia" in the bathroom without the fear that he will see them and have a panic attack. Not only that but you'll want that one or two days a month to slob out on the sofa with tea and chocolate and a hot water bottle without the fear of him seeing you and being grossed out and and running a mile.

Taltos · 14-04-2015 10:33am

Mod note:
OK gang back on topic please. Please direct your replies to the OPs issue not to others who have other problems which we are not discussing here.

Number of further posts have been removed to keep this thread focussed on the OP.

14-04-2015 8:02pm

Nobody's a massive fan of periods, and not wishing to have period sex is totally normal.

Things that are not normal: freaking out when he finds unused tampons, taking notes on your cycle, and avoiding you when you have your period (although, and there's no nice way to ask this, but are you difficult at that time of the month? Have you, for example, lost the head at him for no reason a few times while you're on?). That actually kind of sounds like someone who has something like a phobia of menstruation. It's no way for you to live, and it's not going to make his own life any easier either. Who knows, maybe when he was a young child he looked in the bathroom bin and got a bad fright or something, but whatever it is it's in both your interests to get it sorted.

So no, don't ignore it. Don't go in with guns blazing, but explain to him how he's making you feel with his behaviour.

giggle84 · 14-04-2015 11:45pm

beks101 wrote: »

How would your OH feel about you turning up your nose every time he orgasms in bed? "The poor hotel staff having to clean up that mess" oh please. Fcuk right off.

This x 1000. Seriously does he think that hotel staff have more of an issue with blood than they do with semen on the sheets?!

This fella needs to get a grip. Does he think that periods are exclusive to you and not 50% of the world's population?! I wouldn't be able for him at all.

BeatNikDub · 15-04-2015 9:30am

THIS

<snip>

Mod:

How is posting that picture advice that will help the OP?

LadyAthame · 15-04-2015 12:02pm

embarrassed84 wrote: »

I
I've noticed anytime I'm on my period he seems to avoid me. He also takes note of when my periods are due and seems to know even before I do.

I am not saying flaunt your period or ask him to engage in sex while you are having it or get to like the idea of it, but Any guy who’s turned off by the fact that you menstruate simply isn’t ready for sex in general.

He doesn't need to hear every detail. But if a guy refuses to kiss or hang out with you when you are having your period that is pretty ignorant and weird because when you realize it the woman sitting beside him on the bus could be having hers. His lecturer could be having hers. His classmate sitting beside him etc. Someone in the gym or in the pool with a tampon.

I am not saying he has to embrace the idea of 'flow'. But it's generally something men should learn to welcome ...it's better than missing your period isn't it?

He doesn't have to have sex with you on your period ....or talk about it ..etc....but well the rest is a little extreme.

Why does he keep track of it? That's kind of invasive.

There is a chance every woman he meets is having her period right then. He doesn't have to think about it or like it. But he needs to get over it. Or keep it to himself.

hopgog · 15-04-2015 12:17pm

LadyAthame wrote: »

Why does he keep track of it? That's kind of invasive.

[/COLOR][/LEFT]

Some women get right bitchy on it, better to just avoid them so it's nice to know when to work late head to the pub with friends Instead of watching the soccer at home. Not going to be having sex that week so no need to extra nice things like doing dinners or getting her treats.

Taltos · 15-04-2015 12:41pm

Mod Note:
hopgog is taking a small break from this forum having ignored previous requests to not troll.
General reminder - if people can't post in line with our charter - i.e. constructively and in a civil manner please don't post. "Being a dick" just means you are going to earn yourself a card or a ban from PI/RI. Due to the nature of the issues here we look dimly on posters who seem intent on not helpfully posting to the OP.

syklops · 15-04-2015 12:47pm

:rolleyes:

The thing that stood out for me was when the OP said he is living at home due to doing his master's and on a low wage. I wonder is his immaturity with menstruation indicative of other immaturities. Being used to his ma doing the dinner, and the washing and cleaning, what would he be like to live with? Too squeamish to chop chicken breasts, or afraid to take out the bin?

Est28 · 16-04-2015 5:21am

embarrassed84 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote long bodies of text. Use the quote facility to highlight pertinent points.

He sounds like a child. Why on earth are you dating him?

woodchuck · 16-04-2015 1:57pm

Did I read that right... he won't even sleep in the same bed as you when you have your period?! That's UTTERLY ridiculously and highly insulting. I take back my early comment... he needs a kick up the h0le and be told to cop on.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2015 8:12pm

He's never outright said that the reason he wont stay over is because I'm on my period but I know it is. He has a period tracking app installed on his phone so he knows when it's due etc.

Also somebody asked if I'm moody during my period, I get a little emotional but I've never, ever taken it out on him/snapped at him unnecessarily or anything of the sort. I'm usually very chatty so during my time I get slightly quieter than I normally would be

StripedBoxers · 17-04-2015 1:45am

OPhere wrote: »

<Snip> No need to repost the previous post. It just clogs up the thread with unnecessary duplicate text.

He has a period tracker? Are you serious? I would be telling him where to go.

The absolute cheek of him. Tracking your periods so he knows when they are due etc. I would be absolutely fuming with him. I'd be having words alright, and they would be my last words to him telling him it is over.

I'm actually gobsmacked that a grown man, supposedly in his thirties is behaving like that. I just can't get my head round it. Was he like this with any/all of his former partners?

If he is like this now, and has been all his life, he will never change. Ever. If you decide to continue on in this relationship you may as well accept this is going to continue on because he won't change.

I can't believe you've put up with this for nearly a year, I wouldn't and don't know anyone who would put up with it for any length of time.

How could you rely on him to be around you if you had a baby together? Imagine the bleeding then, if he won't be around you when you have regular periods, I can't imagine he'd be much use after a baby. What if you had a baby girl, would he then make her feel ashamed when she starts her periods etc? I couldn't be with someone like that, I would be ashamed of my partner if he behaved like that to be honest.

beks101 · 17-04-2015 1:58am

OPhere wrote: »

<Snip> No need to repost the entire post. It just clogs up the thread with unnecessary duplicate text.

Ah here. This is mental stuff. A period tracking app?? As a menstruating woman I've never heard of this or can envisage why the hell I, as a woman, would need one. Perhaps if I was trying to conceive... or had concerns about irregular menstruation?

Certainly NOT if I was a dude with none of the above going on. Does he also keep a log on how many times you go to the toilet every day? Seriously this is just absurd. He has major hang ups.

Of course you get a bit tetchy when it's your TOTM, your hormones are all over the place and this is a normal physiological response. I get cramps and irritable and teary-eyed over anything and everything and my boobs hurt and the OH has nothing but sympathy and support and tea and chocolate and cuddles to offer. Because he's my OH and he hates to see me miserable and he wants to offer comfort and love when I need it most.

This fella's response is the direct opposite of it, he seems intent on making you feel like some kind of dirty leper for what is the definition of normal and healthy in a woman and it's just not on. Don't let this escalate further. Have a conversation about how hurtful and weird this all is and if he doesn't get over his weird and immature notions about the female species, he'll be in danger of never being close to this one ever again.

Christ. What an odd fish.

pookie82 · 17-04-2015 8:24am

StripedBoxers wrote: »

What if you had a baby girl, would he then make her feel ashamed when she starts her periods etc? I couldn't be with someone like that, I would be ashamed of my partner if he behaved like that to be honest.

That's a really good point. OP, if you have inkling at all of settling down with this man, not only will he most likely run for the hills at the gory details of giving birth, he'll probably make any daughter you have feel just as "dirty" and ashamed when her time comes.

That would horrify me as much as anything he's doing to you right now. You don't have to live your life this way.

The fact that he has downloaded an app in order to facilitate avoiding you when you have your period is well beyond being a bit awkward or squeamish ... that's seriously odd behaviour.

Dravokivich · 17-04-2015 8:37am

This whole thing sounds quite bizzare to me. OP if he is going out of his way to make sure their are certain times he's not around you, you really need to discuss with him what he's doing it for. Just because he doesnt like periods isnt enough. What does he see in being with you, if every month he's actively and unashamedly concentrating on being away from you? How long can you keep going on with that?

Stavro Mueller · 17-04-2015 8:40am

He has a period tracking app???? I've heard it all now :eek:

I dunno OP. He sounds like he has some sort of full-blown phobia about periods. As other people have outlined here, living with a man who's got such issues could prove to be almost unworkable in the long term. I think he should seek professional help to get over this. Someone who has gone to the extreme of installing a period tracking app on his phone needs more than to be told to grow up.

Katgurl · 17-04-2015 8:51am

I have to agree with the others, it's very very odd. Any boyfriend I've ever had has always been really sweet when I've got my period, getting me tea and chocolate etc., no problem picking up tampons in the shop.

On one occasion with a newish boyfriend the girls in the pub after work were teasing me about being loved up, new boyfriend and I were besotted. Anyway I made some reference to having an accident the night before and his bed resembling an abattoir. One of the girls said in a really concerned voice "do you think he's going to break up with you now?" And I remember very clearly thinking it all made sense why she had problems with men because what a weird way to react - someone is allegedly in love with you but would dump you over an unfortunate incident? I'd never entertain a man so ridiculous.

Anyway back to actual advice; I would sit him down and firmly tell him that stuff is not on - the app, the avoiding you, the ott reaction to the tampon, the comment in the hotel.

i could not be with such an immature man.

SpaceTime · 17-04-2015 8:53am

He's going to have to learn to deal with it. Sounds like maybe some similar psychological approaches to dealing with any irrational phobia will be needed.

It's totally irrational and over the top but so are all phobias.

It's getting in the way of his ability to relate normally to women. He's going to have to deal with it as it's a very normal part of life.

A lot of these things tend to stem from how someone was brought up. Perhaps someone was very freaked out about periods ?

I grew up in household where they were discussed, tampons everywhere, never really gave it a second thought. I also spent a lot of time in France in my teens where it was common enough to just hear women (my age anyway) being very very open about such things. It certainly wasn't ever something that was a mystery!

Maybe he grew up in an an environment where it wasn't ever mentioned or was actively hidden as an unmentionable thing?

He basically needs some kind of a psychological approach taken. You might even consider getting an actual psychologist involved? A private one will cost a few quid but might be well worth it!

If he thinks a period is bad - he's going to be a disaster with child birth.

Life's messy & biological and you're going to have to deal with blood, periods, injuries, accidents, people throwing up, baby poop, pets throwing up etc etc etc

Being too precious isn't a good situation!

Shrap · 17-04-2015 8:58am

Dear oh dear. OP, I really think that his insanely disrespectful approach to your normal bodily functions is a huge problem. I would sit him down and tell him that his psychological problem with your periods are going to come between you (are already) and that you need him to figure out a) Why and how he started feeling this way about the very function of a woman that enabled him to be born, and b) How is he going to approach re-educating himself on the matter if he can't even bear for you to be talking about it.

I'm horrified at how some men have been left in limbo (presumably by their mothers) to this extent. This taboo didn't come from nowhere and it's a lesson for all women who have or will have sons. My two teenage sons are used to me talking about my periods, and actually offer me tea and sympathy already when I'm clearly looking and feeling a bit crappy. If they ask me am I sick, I say no, I have period pains. If I'm a bit grumpy, I remember to apologise and tell them I've been a snappy because I was hormonal. I go as far as leaving the packet of panty liners next to the toilet roll when I'm needing them. This education is up to us women, and the shame and squeamishness that surrounds our own bodily function is down to us to eradicate.

SpaceTime · 17-04-2015 9:16am

An aspect of the English speaking world (Ireland's actually not the worst but it's up there) still has huge hang ups about basic bodily functions!

I think things certainly in Ireland (America is actually going backwards on this) have changed a LOT but you've still got some hangers on.

I also think the fact that a large % of Irish people still get educated in gender segregated schools doesn't help either and there's also a complete lack of any kind of sensible sex / general life education from what I remember of Irish school.
If you've very conservative parents, the first time you might encounter a box of tampax is when you've a serious girlfriend!

I heard a story about a guy in the U.S. who genuinely thought that they were "lady candies" - some kind of sweets that women kept in their purse!!!!???!!!
Apparently that's what his puritanical mother had explained them as and he'd just never thought about it!

DeltaWhite · 17-04-2015 9:26am

I come from an all male family and I can tell you periods were never spoken about in my house. I only spoke to my mam about them. But years later, older now and they would never ever react how your bf is. They dont cringe or flinch if I mention them now, if I'm emotional they console me or give me a hug, or if I hint that I would like some choccy or cake they will happily oblige. Even though it was never spoken about, my brothers and father would never act the way he does.

A period tracker? Christ on a bike.

I would honestly LEAP at the chance to chat to him about it, would love to know his reasoning behind it? Maybe it's a genuine phobia, but it's creepy, weird, strange and unnecessary. If I were you I would definitely be chatting to him about it at the earliest opportunity. And I would tell him outstraight that I would not be accepting that weird behaviour from him. Wonder how he would feel if you kept track of how many poops a day he has? Because to me that's verrrrrrry similar to what he's currently doing!

Flippyfloppy · 17-04-2015 9:51am

He sounds awful op. You'd be well rid.

Big Bag of Chips · 17-04-2015 10:12am

You say he's currently living at home. Do you see a time in the future when you might actually move in together? How do you see that working out? Would he go home every 4th week?

Whether or not it is a phobia or whatever is his issue, so it's something he needs to sort out. There's nothing you can do to fix this. You can't just stop having periods! I think you need to sit down with him and try discuss it. If he can't even do that much then you really need to think about what sort of future you'll have with him.

Boyfriend has a problem with menstruation

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