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Boyfriiend is just being a D**K

  • 28-02-2012 2:14am
    #1
    nadey
    Registered Users Posts: 367 ✭✭nadey


    I'm really just so annoyed and upset right now over my boyfriend of 5 years, its my little brothers 12 year anniversary he died just 3 weeks shy of his 1st birthday. I really want to go to his grave and leave some flowers there as i haven't been there in a long time because i have been busy with work.

    I asked my boyfriend would he drive me to his grave tomorrow. He looked at me as if i had 10 heads and moaned about petrol and that he's driving me to enough places tomorrow. I know we are a little busy tomorrow but surly he could understand that seeing my brothers grave is a lot more important than what we have planned for tomorrow.

    I always pay for half the petrol anyway so its not as if he's out of pocket filling up the car all the time and getting nothing in return. I'm really really upset and hurt by this and think he's just a right c**t for no reason. Its not as if the grave is a million miles away its like 15minutes in the car. Buses dont even come near this graveyard and taxi is just a waste of money when it could just be cheaper to fill up the car with the money on the taxi.

    Does anyone think I'm over reacting to this. I went ape at him over what he said but he thinks he's done nothing wrong at all :(


Comments

  • #2
    CyberJuice
    Registered Users Posts: 692 ✭✭✭CyberJuice


    its a little insensitive by your boyfriend but he never knew your brother so he has no emotional attachment theresfor he doesnt really want to go and probly finds it boring to go to the graveyard put some flowers down and stand there for 10 minutes and having to possibly watch you cry or be upset...

    i guess a good boyfriend would be understanding and just go with you even if they didnt want to go,im sure if he lost someone you would be there for him for the funeral and the whole grieving process but as this is an older death he wasnt around for maybe some people would see his side in why he doesnt prioritise it..


  • #3
    nadey
    Registered Users Posts: 367 ✭✭nadey


    CyberJuice wrote: »
    its a little insensitive by your boyfriend but he never knew your brother so he has no emotional attachment theresfor he doesnt really want to go and probly finds it boring to go to the graveyard put some flowers down and stand there for 10 minutes and having to possibly watch you cry or be upset...

    i guess a good boyfriend would be understanding and just go with you even if they didnt want to go,im sure if he lost someone you would be there for him for the funeral and the whole grieving process but as this is an older death he wasnt around for maybe some people would see his side in why he doesnt prioritise it..

    I dont want him to come in with me to his grave as I told him he can wait in the car while I put the flowers there. When his family members die and when he wants to go to visit their grave which would be down in Galway where they are all from. I wouldn't dare moan about the cost of petrol no matter how far away or close it was because its just selfish, sad and evil


  • #4
    Dayana Flabby Diner
    Posts: 0 ✭ Dayana Flabby Diner


    He could be a bit more sensitive, IMO.

    Do you not drive?


  • #5
    nadey
    Registered Users Posts: 367 ✭✭nadey


    Deleted User wrote: »
    He could be a bit more sensitive, IMO.

    Do you not drive?

    oh god no you wouldn't want me driving on the road i've severe road rage even though i dont drive lol


  • #6
    Herrick
    Closed Accounts Posts: 903 ✭✭✭Herrick


    Ah here, if it was my gf wanting to visit a family members grave, I'd bring her no questions asked.

    You ask to be brought to your little brothers grave on his anniversary and your bf complains about petrol...

    What a complete and utter knob.


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  • #7
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    Its very mean of him, OP, I can imagine how important this is to you and his behaviour isn't nice. Is this the first time he has gotten sulky over something you asked. Its just, what you've asked there is such a personal sensitive favour, and if it were a boyfriend asking me to do that, I wouldnt have to think twice about saying yes. So the fact that he would say no on that, makes me wonder is he selfish and petty for much smaller things, often


  • #8
    curlzy
    Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Wow, what a total knobhead. Is he always like that or just this time? If it's all the time get rid of him I'd say. If it's only this time I'd just tell him what an unbelievable knobhead he is and wait for an apology.


  • #9
    Squiggler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Squiggler


    OP, what an incredibly selfish and insensitive way for him to behave - doesn't bode well for the future.

    If I were in your shoes the only name I'd be applying to him would be "EX boyfriend".


  • #10
    silly
    Registered Users Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭silly


    As its your brothers anniversary, there would probably be other family members going around this time that you could travel with?
    Boyfriend is being very insensitive, I'd tell him to take a running jump.


  • #11
    squonk
    Registered Users Posts: 8,427 ✭✭✭squonk


    OP You shouldn't have to be looking for lifts off of family. Frankly I can tell you that if I was in your bf's position I'd be asking you did you want to go and what time etc. The guy hasn't a heart in the world and he sounds like a right a$$hole to be honest. Frankly it's beyond selfish, it's just uncaring and completely mean. Feck sake OP you can do way better and there are plenty of guys out there who'd be only too happy to go along with you and respect whatever you wanted to do just to be there for support if nothing else.

    Frankly I'd tell this eejit to forget it and you'll be getting a lift with Family and to have his stuff cleared out when you get back because it's over. Simple as. He's a tosser.


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  • #12
    Nabber
    Registered Users Posts: 2,855 ✭✭✭Nabber


    This is the problem with the relationship forum. You only get one side of the story.

    OP is he normally like this? It sounds very insensitave. If he has done it before then, you are partly to blame 1) You've accepted it and 2) you are still with him.

    But as we only have this one time to go on, and from what I see you don't mention that he is like this normally. Maybe he has a fear of graveyards, it's not uncommon. The fact that you don't drive could be the issue, 5 years together and not driving, has it been an issue with him that you don't drive?

    Just doesn't add to him just being an ass. If it is him just being an ass. Then I'd agree with most of the comments above.


  • #13
    wivy
    Registered Users Posts: 204 ✭✭wivy


    Dump his sorry a** OP!
    Very selfish and insensitive. If he was decent he would drive you there and back no questions asked. I was going out with a guy who was like this and I gave him the benefit of the doubt too many times.. Get rid of him now while you can.


  • #14
    dory
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 4,479 Mod ✭✭✭✭dory


    wivy wrote: »
    Dump his sorry a** OP!
    Very selfish and insensitive. If he was decent he would drive you there and back no questions asked. I was going out with a guy who was like this and I gave him the benefit of the doubt too many times.. Get rid of him now while you can.

    COuldn't agree more. Why would you want to go out with someone like this??


  • #15
    pclancy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,939 ✭✭✭pclancy


    I wouldnt spend a second more of my life with someone that mean.


  • #16
    Dayana Flabby Diner
    Posts: 0 ✭ Dayana Flabby Diner


    nadey wrote: »
    oh god no you wouldn't want me driving on the road i've severe road rage even though i dont drive lol

    I seem to recall a feminist writer who once said that a woman shouldn't leave herself in the position where she depends on a man for either money or transport.

    That said, he could be a bit more sensitive. Mind you, a sister of mine died young many years ago, and when I visit her grave I don't ask my wife along. It's not that she's insensitive or doesn't feel for me; it's just that the loss of my sister can't really mean the same to her as it does to me.


  • #17
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    OP, I know you're upset but could it be that he's just feeling like he's already got to bring you to a ton of places already that day and now you want him to bring you to yet another place. I know it's your brother's grave but perhaps it's not that that he's annoyed about, it's that he has to ferry you to a load of places already.

    I'd suggest that to resolve it you skip going to one place and instead go visit your brother's grave.

    Just trying to look at it from another angle, he could just be fed up with you making him be your personal chauffeur all the time! It's got nothing to do with contributing to petrol either, sometimes you just might not feel like getting into the car to drive somewhere.

    And I'd also suggest that you become more independent so that you can do these things by yourself, learn to drive.


  • #18
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    OP, I know you're upset but could it be that he's just feeling like he's already got to bring you to a ton of places already that day and now you want him to bring you to yet another place. I know it's your brother's grave but perhaps it's not that that he's annoyed about, it's that he has to ferry you to a load of places already.

    I'd suggest that to resolve it you skip going to one place and instead go visit your brother's grave.

    Just trying to look at it from another angle, he could just be fed up with you making him be your personal chauffeur all the time! It's got nothing to do with contributing to petrol either, sometimes you just might not feel like getting into the car to drive somewhere.

    And I'd also suggest that you become more independent so that you can do these things by yourself, learn to drive.


    Its her brothers anniversary, and she wants to visit his grave it should never ever have been an issue. Losing her sibling at such a young age must have been devestating for the op and her family I am very sure the pain is still very much felt to this day. The fact that her bf lacks the empathy to see this is worrying. If he felt hard done by driving places he should have had the cop on to keep quiet and mention it when something less trivial comes up.
    I think most people would go out of their way to bring evenna casual friend to their siblings grave on the anniversary, if a stranger asked me for a lift explaining the situation I dont think I would say know.


  • #19
    KittyeeTrix
    Registered Users Posts: 7,239 ✭✭✭KittyeeTrix


    For me it's simple........

    I could never be with a man who could not be bothered to take me to a family members grave for whatever reason.......be it petrol, boredom, fear,general fed-upness driving me places, whatever.

    He should have brought you in my opinion and if this was to occur in my own relationship, well then I wouldn't have one.:mad:

    It's one thing to not want to bring ya down the shops constantly for a pint of milk or whatever but this is a different circumstance. If I were the OP I would most definitely get more independent alright but it would not mean driving but more so dumping him...

    That may seem extreme but I honestly could not be with someone who carried on like that with regards my brothers graveyard visit:(


  • #20
    fionav3
    Registered Users Posts: 208 ✭✭fionav3


    What an insensitive little s****! :eek: OP, you are FAR from being too sensitive and he sounds like an absolute tosser! I'm student who is constantly broke and barely getting by, but if one of my friend's (not to talk of a partner) needed a lift for something so important, I would do it in a second. I'm actually appalled that he responded like that. I won't tell you what to do regarding your boyfriend, but if a boyfriend did that to me, he'd have his walking papers so fast his head would spin!

    I hope today wasn't too hard on you.


  • #21
    Amazotheamazing
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,048 ✭✭✭Amazotheamazing


    nadey wrote: »
    oh god no you wouldn't want me driving on the road i've severe road rage even though i dont drive lol

    Is this a serious answer?

    Of course your OH is in the wrong in this instance, however, he isn't your taxi. Learn to drive.


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  • #22
    Maguined
    Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    OP, I know you're upset but could it be that he's just feeling like he's already got to bring you to a ton of places already that day and now you want him to bring you to yet another place. I know it's your brother's grave but perhaps it's not that that he's annoyed about, it's that he has to ferry you to a load of places already.

    I'd suggest that to resolve it you skip going to one place and instead go visit your brother's grave.

    Just trying to look at it from another angle, he could just be fed up with you making him be your personal chauffeur all the time! It's got nothing to do with contributing to petrol either, sometimes you just might not feel like getting into the car to drive somewhere.

    And I'd also suggest that you become more independent so that you can do these things by yourself, learn to drive.

    I agree with tinkerbell, yes what he said was insensitive however it is probably just an instinctive reaction if he does feel like he is being treated like a chauffeur.

    OP how much notice in advance did you ask him? from the way you phrased your post it looks like you asked him the day before you wanted him to take you? If this is the case he is probably not annoyed at your request but annoyed that you did ask him with more notice in advance so it could make him really feel like an expected chauffeur.


  • #23
    dearg lady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,091 ✭✭✭dearg lady


    tinkerbell wrote: »
    I'd suggest that to resolve it you skip going to one place and instead go visit your brother's grave.

    This. Surely it's not that hard. I agree he handled it incredibly badly but from the way you described it in I'd get irritated too, driving someone around all the time. I'd pick a more sensitive time to bring it up however...


  • #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I agree with some of the more recent comments in this thread. I have a kind generous bf who drives and takes me to places. But I do not expect him to and would not assume that he will take me somewhere on short notice because he may not be able to as simple as that.

    For you OP, I would highly suggest to learn how to drive so situations like these do not arise. I will be honest that his response was insensitive almost callous but he probably lashed out of frustration. Road rage is not an excuse not to drive especially if you never learned or tried. I would love to drive as it is a form of independence and not to burden others or treat them as a personal chauffeur. I wish I were you because you can go out and learn to drive. As for myself, I cannot drive because of medical reasons and have to rely on public transport, taxis and the generosity of others.


  • #25
    Yusuf Puny Sludge
    Posts: 0 ✭ Yusuf Puny Sludge


    CyberJuice wrote: »
    its a little insensitive by your boyfriend but he never knew your brother so he has no emotional attachment theresfor he doesnt really want to go and probly finds it boring to go to the graveyard put some flowers down and stand there for 10 minutes and having to possibly watch you cry or be upset...

    i guess a good boyfriend would be understanding and just go with you even if they didnt want to go,im sure if he lost someone you would be there for him for the funeral and the whole grieving process but as this is an older death he wasnt around for maybe some people would see his side in why he doesnt prioritise it..


    Sorry i just think thats totally unacceptable. He has a huge emotional attachment to the lads sister (being the op).

    if it was me i would do everything in my power to to at least show this woman i was crazy about, that i supported her all the way during what must have been an especially hard time in her life. Experiences are what shape a person as much as anything and this experience shapes who the op is so the boyfriend should appreciate this and support her.

    He is acting like a w*nker in my opinion


  • #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    nadey wrote: »
    its like 15minutes in the car. Buses dont even come near this graveyard and taxi is just a waste of money when it could just be cheaper to fill up the car with the money on the taxi.

    Does anyone think I'm over reacting to this.

    I do think you're over reacting. You've come online and called him sad, selfish, evil and a d**k.

    It's important to you to be there tomorrow, so get a taxi. You said yourself it takes 15 minutes.

    There could be many reasons why your boyfriend said no. Maybe he was feeling like a mug because you kept adding places to the list of tasks for tomorrow. Maybe he has his own issues with death. Maybe you're right and he is a d**k. But it sounds to me like you're over reacting. Surely if he was a completely heartless guy who didn't care about you, you wouldn't have been with him for 5 years. I understand that losing a sibling is horrific and that this is an issue you're sensitive about and deserve sympathy for, but you can't use it as some sort of free reign to make him bow to you.

    In short, yes he is being insensitive, but also, yes you are over reacting.


  • #27
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    OK, so your boyfriend was unfair when it came to refusing to take you to the grave. Not too many people would quibble with that.

    You do need to take a closer look at the rest of what he said though. He resents having to drive you places and this request was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was a poor straw to pick, admittedly but you need to put emotion aside and ask yourself why he's annoyed at being your chauffeur. Not being a driver, you won't understand this but it's something that can get in under the skin of drivers. Having to ferry people to different places, sometimes at the drop of the hat. It's not the money - at least you're good enough to pay him for that. It's the hassle and the inconvenience of having to bring people here and there. The hassle of having to wait for the phone to ring so that they can come collect you. Having to drive to places you'd rather not go, having to give up your time to do this.

    You do need to ask yourself have you taken advantage of him? I'm also curious as to why you can't be bothered learning how to drive. I hope your comment about not driving was just you being flippant. Why are you refusing to learn how to drive? That excuse about road rage etc. is pure bull. Would you prefer to just sit on your arse and let someone else ferry you around?


  • #28
    Fenian Army
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,483 ✭✭✭Fenian Army


    He's not your taxi man.

    Bad straw to pick indeed though.


  • #29
    Ham Sambo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 515 ✭✭✭Ham Sambo


    nadey wrote: »
    I'm really just so annoyed and upset right now over my boyfriend of 5 years, its my little brothers 12 year anniversary he died just 3 weeks shy of his 1st birthday. I really want to go to his grave and leave some flowers there as i haven't been there in a long time because i have been busy with work.

    I asked my boyfriend would he drive me to his grave tomorrow. He looked at me as if i had 10 heads and moaned about petrol and that he's driving me to enough places tomorrow. I know we are a little busy tomorrow but surly he could understand that seeing my brothers grave is a lot more important than what we have planned for tomorrow.

    I always pay for half the petrol anyway so its not as if he's out of pocket filling up the car all the time and getting nothing in return. I'm really really upset and hurt by this and think he's just a right c**t for no reason. Its not as if the grave is a million miles away its like 15minutes in the car. Buses dont even come near this graveyard and taxi is just a waste of money when it could just be cheaper to fill up the car with the money on the taxi.

    Does anyone think I'm over reacting to this. I went ape at him over what he said but he thinks he's done nothing wrong at all :(

    Hi ya. I am suprised that you haven't swung for him already, the words insenstive pr*ck come to mind :mad:


  • #30
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Ham Sambo taking a weeks holiday.

    Posting just to declare your surprise that the OP hasn't resorted to violence is not in keeping with the purpose or rules of this forum.

    On your return take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.


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