Weeding Gift Amount

Fries-With-That · 23-04-2014 8:42am

This is a good thread.

Anyone I have spoken to recently have said €100 per person is a perfectly reasonable wedding present for those couples that want money as opposed to a toaster etc.

How much does a wedding cost nowadays ?

200 guests giving €100 each would surely make a large hole if not completely pay for a wedding.

I am of the opinion that, you are invited as a guest, whatever gift you give is, exactly that, a gift, not something that the couple will de-construct later and take issue with its cost.

If you buy an expensive gift that is your choice, its not as if the couple handed you your invitation with a list of items from which you could choose their gift.

Gatica · 23-04-2014 8:59am

murphyebass wrote: »

Or here's another thought €20 multiplied by 10months saving.

That's all very well if you have only all married or all single friends and just 1 getting married, but you might have a dozen friends from school, college, work as well as family. and what if you have 9 weddings to go to that year? You start saving for one, then the next, at some point you're saving 9*20=180 Euro a month, and a total of 1800 over 19 months. Some people can't afford that.
It's fathomable to say that about your one sibling maybe, or one child - you'll do whatever you need to to be at their wedding or give them a gift, but certainly not when its extended family or friends.

robinph wrote: »

nobody's wedding is that good that you'd be wanting to pay for an entry fee.

+1!

BizzyC · 23-04-2014 9:14am

whomitconcerns wrote: »

Will you have money to pay for drink on the night? Give them that money.

I'd prefer to have my guests enjoy themselves at my wedding rather than push themselves to give me a gift....

Again, you're inviting the people to take part in the day, not a wad of cash...

BabysCoffee · 23-04-2014 9:21am

murphyebass wrote: »

Not selfish attitude at all. More the reality of weddings and the costs involved.

Look if someone is genuinely broke and can't afford to save a fiver a week for the months in the run up the wedding to give to a friend or family member as a gift so be it. Most weddings are well in advance. A friend of mine recently got engaged but the wedding date was set 2 and a bit years away!
In this case it's for a family member so by all means go and explain to said member you have no money if you really can't save for it.

I'm just goin on experience. These things cost money and gettin the likes of plates or something else equally pointless is just that when you are trying to make sure you pay off every last thing. And it's all well and good saying to cut back on this that and the other but that enevitably doesn't happen. Not because you want to spend a fortune but they do cost money. Not plates or whiskey or - insert pointless gift here - they cost in real life money.

If you can't afford to get married without relying on your guests gifts to pay for it maybe you should consider putting it off for a year or two.

guests should be invited to enjoy your wedding not pay pay for it. It's the Bride and Grooms responsibility to pay for it.

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 9:51am

BabysCoffee wrote: »

If you can't afford to get married without relying on your guests gifts to pay for it maybe you should consider putting it off for a year or two.

guests should be invited to enjoy your wedding not pay pay for it. It's the Bride and Grooms responsibility to pay for it.

Yet again I agree with this BUT its not the reality of the situation whether you like it or not.

The bride and groom rightly or wrongly will 99% of the time be counting on getting x amount in gifts to pay for this that and the other.

robinph · 23-04-2014 9:53am

murphyebass wrote: »

Yet again I agree with this BUT its not the reality of the situation whether you like it or not.

The bride and groom rightly or wrongly will 99% of the time be counting on getting x amount in gifts to pay for this that and the other.

The answer is wrongly.

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 10:03am

Gatica wrote: »

That's all very well if you have only all married or all single friends and just 1 getting married, but you might have a dozen friends from school, college, work as well as family. and what if you have 9 weddings to go to that year? You start saving for one, then the next, at some point you're saving 9*20=180 Euro a month, and a total of 1800 over 19 months. Some people can't afford that.
It's fathomable to say that about your one sibling maybe, or one child - you'll do whatever you need to to be at their wedding or give them a gift, but certainly not when its extended family or friends.

Yeah I went through that few years ago. Not ideal alright.

That said its never ideal. I have a wedding to go to in a few months that with young child, creche, bills etc at the moment I'd far rather not go to it. I'll be scrimping on other things so as to give them a decent monetary gift. The hotel will go on my credit card which isnt ideal but life isnt ideal I suppose.

robinph wrote: »

The answer is wrongly.

In your opinion.

robinph · 23-04-2014 10:17am

murphyebass wrote: »

In your opinion.

Nope, it is definitely wrong for the couple to be planning their wedding based on how much cash they think they will be getting from their guests. There is absolutely no way that is the correct way of going about planning a wedding, or more importantly to be treating your guests as your own personal interest free loan source.

geeksauce · 23-04-2014 10:18am

€200 would be more than enough for a direct family member, imo. Or if you can't afford that much just give them what you can afford.

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 10:26am

robinph wrote: »

Nope, it is definitely wrong for the couple to be planning their wedding based on how much cash they think they will be getting from their guests. There is absolutely no way that is the correct way of going about planning a wedding, or more importantly to be treating your guests as your own personal interest free loan source.

Its the reality of the situation though. People are and will continue to plan for their weddings in this way.

Personally not the way i did it but its the rule rather than exception like it or not.

robinph · 23-04-2014 10:38am

murphyebass wrote: »

Its the reality of the situation though. People are and will continue to plan for their weddings in this way.

Personally not the way i did it but its the rule rather than exception like it or not.

Probably better to use different words for that statement. There are no rules at all about how much someone should be paying for attending a wedding.

There may be things that are commonly done, but they are not rules and they should not be expectations upon anyone.

From your first post in the thread you seem to be suggesting that things have to be done in a particular way, with strong suggestions that people have to pay a minimum cover charge, don't be my friend unless your loaded with cash, put yourself out of pocket for months so that you can turn up to my party and aren't I wonderful for letting you give me money type sentiment.

murphyebass wrote: »

At least €200. If your good friends it'd be more, €250+. And I don't go in for this depends what you can afford lark. €100 more than likely wont even pay for your meals. If you can't afford to go don't. Or here's another thought €20 multiplied by 10months saving. If its someone you half know you'll know we'll in advance as to when their getting married giving you more than enough time to save.

Lastly as for the gift your proposing as good an all that it sounds don't bother. Ask anyone getting married what they want and if they're honest they'll say cash. Weddings cost lots.

That is just so wrong on so many levels.

To get back to the OP's question though, the answer is whatever you can afford and are comfortable with giving as a gift. Don't feel pressured into giving any thing you don't want to.

Tordelback · 23-04-2014 10:49am

robinph wrote: »

To get back to the OP's question though, the answer is whatever you can afford and are comfortable with giving as a gift. Don't feel pressured into giving any thing you don't want to.

Absolutely. As a sibling, I'd suggest an actual present of something you know they might like - monetary value irrelevant. You must know your brother well enough to know the kind of things he likes doing - tickets to sporting events, festivals, craft beers, books, whatever - obviously better if you can think of something they can do/enjoy together. It should be a token acknowledging a major event in their lives and your family's, not a subscription to the wedding fund.

However. And this will sound petty and selfish, but hey...

My wife's only sibling and partner (reasonably well off) gave us nothing at all, and while we had a very small cheap wedding and certainly weren't looking for cash, it does slightly rankle to get nothing. Especially when we had to shell out for their wedding a few years later. So give them something.

sopretty · 23-04-2014 10:53am

Since it's your brother, I'd go with a gift rather than money. Especially since they're comfortable financially. They'll have it for years to come. Now, I don't mean a toaster. A piece of art maybe? Would you be familiar with his & her tastes?

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 11:14am

robinph wrote: »

Probably better to use different words for that statement. There are no rules at all about how much someone should be paying for attending a wedding.

There may be things that are commonly done, but they are not rules and they should not be expectations upon anyone.

From your first post in the thread you seem to be suggesting that things have to be done in a particular way, with strong suggestions that people have to pay a minimum cover charge, don't be my friend unless your loaded with cash, put yourself out of pocket for months so that you can turn up to my party and aren't I wonderful for letting you give me money type sentiment.

The statement is a figure of speech. Rule in this case refers to what happens 9 out of 10 times not specifically inferring that it has to be done, just that it generally is done.

Anyway we digress. I'm not saying people have to pay a cover charge. What I am saying is that its the expectation that people do. You can bet your bottom dollar the bride and groom look at each card and inspect who gave what. You may not like that but its the way it is.

In an ideal world everyone would pay for their own wedding and not feel obliged to gift a couple of hundred quid to each wedding they attend. But we dont live in an ideal world. In this country it is the norm, yes the norm, or the done thing or whatever way you want to put it that if you attend a wedding you "gift" a couple of hundred quid to the couple. Its also the norm that if you then get married yourself the couple will "gift" you back the same amount you gifted them.

The expectaion whether you like it or not is a couple of hundred quid per couple and if you decide to gift plates, etc.. know that in most scenarios it will be not be appreciated. Of course theres exceptions to that with some people getting gifts they can use/actually want but many people end up having to sell said items which is a bigger pain, or like me giving them away as they were of no use to us and couldnt be bothered selling them.
Ive had friends who were gifted crazy designer items worth stupid amounts of money. Seriously why?! Just put the few quid in an envelope so the person can use it for whatever they want, be it pay off the wedding or spend or save or whatever.

I remember when giving a €100 was the norm. Wish that was still the case!

kkcatlou · 23-04-2014 11:32am

murphyebass wrote: »

The statement is a figure of speech. Rule in this case refers to what happens 9 out of 10 times not specifically inferring that it has to be done, just that it generally is done.

Anyway we digress. I'm not saying people have to pay a cover charge. What I am saying is that its the expectation that people do. You can bet your bottom dollar the bride and groom look at each card and inspect who gave what. You may not like that but its the way it is.

In an ideal world everyone would pay for their own wedding and not feel obliged to gift a couple of hundred quid to each wedding they attend. But we dont live in an ideal world. In this country it is the norm, yes the norm, or the done thing or whatever way you want to put it that if you attend a wedding you "gift" a couple of hundred quid to the couple. Its also the norm that if you then get married yourself the couple will "gift" you back the same amount you gifted them.

The expectaion whether you like it or not is a couple of hundred quid per couple and if you decide to gift plates, etc.. know that in most scenarios it will be not be appreciated. Of course theres exceptions to that with some people getting gifts they can use/actually want but many people end up having to sell said items which is a bigger pain, or like me giving them away as they were of no use to us and couldnt be bothered selling them.
Ive had friends who were gifted crazy designer items worth stupid amounts of money. Seriously why?! Just put the few quid in an envelope so the person can use it for whatever they want, be it pay off the wedding or spend or save or whatever.

I remember when giving a €100 was the norm. Wish that was still the case!

Same old argument gets bandied about here every second week. You speak sense and you get shouted down by people happy to go against the norm. I totally agree - you are not saying it's right or the rule that you give a couple €200 when they get married, but it has become the accepted norm in this country, and whether people like it or not, if you are someone who can afford to give a gift, and don't, you do look like a tight arse!

Nobody anywhere has said that there should be an entrance fee paid to a wedding, yet as soon as somebody states the fact that cash gifts of €150-€200 are the norm in this country, a few people get on their high horse pointing out the ridiculousness of it. Fine! It's ridiculous! But it is the done thing! Accept it or get over it!

robinph · 23-04-2014 11:55am

kkcatlou wrote: »

Same old argument gets bandied about here every second week. You speak sense and you get shouted down by people happy to go against the norm. I totally agree - you are not saying it's right or the rule that you give a couple €200 when they get married, but it has become the accepted norm in this country, and whether people like it or not, if you are someone who can afford to give a gift, and don't, you do look like a tight arse!

Nobody anywhere has said that there should be an entrance fee paid to a wedding, yet as soon as somebody states the fact that cash gifts of €150-€200 are the norm in this country, a few people get on their high horse pointing out the ridiculousness of it. Fine! It's ridiculous! But it is the done thing! Accept it or get over it!

This looks very much like a statement of rules and how much people should be paying as an entrance fee if they want to consider going to a wedding:

murphyebass wrote: »

At least €200. If your good friends it'd be more, €250+. And I don't go in for this depends what you can afford lark. €100 more than likely wont even pay for your meals. If you can't afford to go don't. Or here's another thought €20 multiplied by 10months saving. If its someone you half know you'll know we'll in advance as to when their getting married giving you more than enough time to save.

Lastly as for the gift your proposing as good an all that it sounds don't bother. Ask anyone getting married what they want and if they're honest they'll say cash. Weddings cost lots.

It is ridiculous, and what a lot of people do and seem to consider acceptable. But that doesn't mean that it's right and should be encouraged.

What should be encouraged is that people go and celebrate a special day with their friends and family, but nobody should be made to feel as if they are doing something wrong because they cannot stump up the "At least €200" as murphyebass stated.

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 12:05pm

@Robinph.. You're saying what everyone wants to hear. Its the politically correct thing to say and thats fine. Enjoy your special day, blah, blah, blah... of course thats correct. Its stating the obvious.

The issue is people seem to have a problem with paying/gifting €200+ for a wedding.

My opinion and I know I'm not the only one with this opinion (whether others will say it or not) is that €200+ is the norm. Whether you like that or not is neither here nor there. People arent encouraged to do it but do it because its the norm. Its the expectation, its the done thing and again like it or not if you dont do it you are looked down upon.

Now as I've already stated if you cannot afford this as you are in financial difficulty yourself then dont pay it. Part of me wonders though if you are in financial difficulty should you be going to a wedding at all as there will inevitably be other costs like travel, accomodation, clothing, etc..

I'm not flush by any stretch of the imagination and with a wedding for a wifes friend coming up I'm not exactly happy about handing €200 out of my wages to them but I'm not about to be labelled the one who didnt do it and I take the hit as its the thing to do, its the norm, its the expecation.

kkcatlou · 23-04-2014 12:22pm

robinph wrote: »

It is ridiculous, and what a lot of people do and seem to consider acceptable. But that doesn't mean that it's right and should be encouraged.

So by stating a widely accepted cultural norm here, we are encouraging what you feel is unacceptable behaviour, despite the fact that the OP asked for an opinion on what was the norm? What's the point in them asking the question at all then, if all they get back are PC, but not factually correct answers? :rolleyes:

wuffly · 23-04-2014 12:33pm

Sorry but who are these people that expect everyone else to pay for their weddings? Apparently we all know someone, but no one so far has said they themselves actually expect 100e per head etc...? I've been to upwards of 20 Irish weddings and never come across a couple doing this 'numbers' game. I've been to weddings with receptions in community centers up to 5 star hotels and never felt like i was invited to cover a cost or that i had to pay anything. I've always known what to give be it a personal gift and some cash or just cash. We kept a record of everything we got for our wedding, but purely so we could thank everyone properly not with generic thank you cards. I'm sure some people didn't give gifts/cash and I genuinely don't remember who nor do I care, they were invited because we wanted them there.

robinph · 23-04-2014 12:38pm

kkcatlou wrote: »

So by stating a widely accepted cultural norm here, we are encouraging what you feel is unacceptable behaviour, despite the fact that the OP asked for an opinion on what was the norm? What's the point in them asking the question at all then, if all they get back are PC, but not factually correct answers? :rolleyes:

Have no problem at all with people giving a gift of whatever cash or material gift they want.

I do have a problem with statements along the lines of at least X or don't bother turning up being given as an answer to someone who is not sure about what to give. It's not helpful and is more likely to be adding to the pressure that the person asking the question is already feeling about if they are giving something appropriate. Telling someone they are not going to be welcome unless they give X cash is wrong.

If they subsequently decide to give X + Y as the gift that is fine, but for society to be telling them that they have to is not fine.

A factual response to the OP would be:
"I gave X to my brother" or "the average amount that I received from guests was Y".

It is not a factually correct response to say "you must give Z or you will become a social outcast".

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 12:40pm

wuffly wrote: »

Sorry but who are these people that expect everyone else to pay for their weddings? Apparently we all know someone, but no one so far has said they themselves actually expect 100e per head etc...? I've been to upwards of 20 Irish weddings and never come across a couple doing this 'numbers' game. I've been to weddings with receptions in community centers up to 5 star hotels and never felt like i was invited to cover a cost or that i had to pay anything. I've always known what to give be it a personal gift and some cash or just cash. We kept a record of everything we got for our wedding, but purely so we could thank everyone properly not with generic thank you cards. I'm sure some people didn't give gifts/cash and I genuinely don't remember who nor do I care, they were invited because we wanted them there.

Who the hell is going to come out and tell you they're playing a numbers game?!

Doesnt mean its not happening though.

wuffly · 23-04-2014 12:46pm

murphyebass wrote: »

Who the hell is going to come out and tell you they're playing a numbers game?! Doesnt mean its not happening though.

Also doesn't mean that it is. If anything I've come across the opposite, people cutting numbers as they cant afford a sit down meal for everyone. Having small receptions and big afters.

A_Sober_Paddy · 23-04-2014 12:46pm

Wow this has certainly escalated.

All I wanted to know what kinda range was the norm, now that I think of it one of my siblings won't be able to give my brother anything for his wedding, his out of work and terrible with money

robinph · 23-04-2014 12:48pm

murphyebass wrote: »

Who the hell is going to come out and tell you they're playing a numbers game?! Doesnt mean its not happening though.

You claim to have heard such things.

murphyebass wrote: »

Personally I did save and had my wedding pretty much paid for prior to getting gifts so for us it was all gravy essentially but I hasten to reiterate that I know talking to lots of couples that gifts are very much integral to how they pay off the wedding bills.

robinph · 23-04-2014 12:51pm

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Wow this has certainly escalated.

All I wanted to know what kinda range was the norm, now that I think of it one of my siblings won't be able to give my brother anything for his wedding, his out of work and terrible with money

Give what you can afford. If it's some material gift that the other brother can be involved in the sourcing of, or creating, or thinking of, or being involved in then that would probably be a great way of doing things from the pair of you as well.

Just don't talk about money or make them feel as if they have to give anything they can't afford.

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 12:52pm

robinph wrote: »

Have no problem at all with people giving a gift of whatever cash or material gift they want.

I do have a problem with statements along the lines of at least X or don't bother turning up being given as an answer to someone who is not sure about what to give. It's not helpful and is more likely to be adding to the pressure that the person asking the question is already feeling about if they are giving something appropriate. Telling someone they are not going to be welcome unless they give X cash is wrong.

If they subsequently decide to give X + Y as the gift that is fine, but for society to be telling them that they have to is not fine.

A factual response to the OP would be:
"I gave X to my brother" or "the average amount that I received from guests was Y".

It is not a factually correct response to say "you must give Z or you will become a social outcast".

I think youre clutching at straws here to be honest.

Nobody has said you "have to".

And to be perfectly honest I find it hard to believe that our little conversation on boards will have any impact on the wider communities view on whether we/they should stop gifting €200 per wedding.

As already stated this is about what is the done thing, what is expected and the norm.

Like our drink culture it is what it is whether we like it or not. Neither are gonna change any time soon.

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 12:55pm

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Wow this has certainly escalated.

All I wanted to know what kinda range was the norm, now that I think of it one of my siblings won't be able to give my brother anything for his wedding, his out of work and terrible with money

We're going over the same points again and again though.

Politically correct lefty type answer versus the reality of the world we live in.

.....and for that reason I'm out.

robinph · 23-04-2014 1:00pm

murphyebass wrote: »

Nobody has said you "have to".

Erm, yes you did. Your opening post is just chock full of "have to" statements.

beertons · 23-04-2014 1:02pm

Just don't put up what you're giving, or the thread will go bananas!

murphyebass · 23-04-2014 1:04pm

robinph wrote: »

Erm, yes you did. Your opening post is just chock full of "have to" statements.

Give me a quote where I said "have to".

You cant because I didnt. I gave my feelings on what the norm and expected amounts are plain and simple.

Weeding Gift Amount

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