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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
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Win tickets for Dara O' Briain, David O' Doherty, Maeve Higgins and more in Vicar St

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Comments

  • #92
    grimm2005
    Registered Users Posts: 2,890 ✭✭✭grimm2005


    This one is just totally pointless:

    Why did the plane crash?

    Because the pilot was a loaf of bread


  • #93
    GLaDOS
    Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 23,197 Mod ✭✭✭✭GLaDOS


    Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties?

    He was a fun guy.

    Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test



  • #94
    tommy21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭tommy21


    A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint.
    "Sorry", says the barman, "we don't serve food here".
    :D


  • #95
    tommy21
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭tommy21


    A skeleton walked into a bar and called for a pint of stout and a mop. "Why the mop?" asked the barman. "Because I can no longer hold my liquor" said the skeleton.


    Zing - I'm here all night :eek:


  • #96
    bubbaloo
    Registered Users Posts: 758 ✭✭✭bubbaloo


    Why was 6 scared of 7?





    Because 7 8 9 !! :D


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  • #97
    aliocroc
    Registered Users Posts: 136 ✭✭aliocroc


    Why are pirates called pirates??

    Cos they just AAARRRRRrrrrrrrr!


  • #98
    aliocroc
    Registered Users Posts: 136 ✭✭aliocroc


    why didnt the lifeguard save the hippie??

    cos he was too far out man!!


  • #99
    ciaburkie
    Registered Users Posts: 120 ✭✭ciaburkie


    A friend of mine went into Specsavers the other day and you will never guess who he bumped into...............EVERYBODY!!! :)


  • #100
    Reganio 2
    Registered Users Posts: 3,732 ✭✭✭Reganio 2


    Why did the mermaid cross the sea?

    To get to the other tide :D:o


  • #101
    Futurecrook
    Registered Users Posts: 6,869 ✭✭✭Futurecrook


    What do you call a penguin in the desert?

    Lost :D


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  • #102
    Ronanc1
    Registered Users Posts: 397 ✭✭Ronanc1


    Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

    A. Spoiled milk.


  • #103
    Gillington
    Registered Users Posts: 3,555 ✭✭✭Gillington


    What did the stamp say to the envelope?

    Stick with me and we will go places!


  • #104
    itsgrand
    Registered Users Posts: 92 ✭✭itsgrand


    Did you hear about the farmers funeral?

    There was a big turn-up!


  • #105
    Random
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,082 ✭✭✭✭Random


    why didn't the skeleton go to the party? he had nobody to go with!


  • #106
    NoelJ
    Registered Users Posts: 616 ✭✭✭NoelJ


    why does tigger have no friends?

    Cause he plays with pooh


  • #107
    adamski8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,503 ✭✭✭adamski8


    [FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Where do ants go for their holidays?
    Frants![/FONT]


  • #108
    The Oggmonster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 151 ✭✭The Oggmonster


    Did you hear about the man who caught swine flu?

    He was sick for a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.


  • #109
    Piste
    Registered Users Posts: 11,440 ✭✭✭✭Piste


    So there was this guy right, and he loved tractors. I mean really loved them. He grew up on a farm and was driving tractors since his feet could reach the pedals. Taking the tractor out for a shpin was his favourite activity to share with his dad. Every year he and his dad would go to the big tractor show to scout out the new tractor models. He loved to collect and paint models of all his favourite tractors and his bedroom walls were covered in tractor posters. This guy really loved tractors.

    Unfortunately, his dad was killed in a tragic tractor accident on the farm, and from then on when the boy thought of tractors he was reminded of the pain of losing his dad, so he ripped down all his tractor posters, destroyed all his tractor models and never again went to another tractor show.

    Years later he had moved up to Dublin and was an investment banker. He went to a pub one night and got chatting to a lady he met there. "Gosh it's awfully smoky in here!" she said (these were the days before the smoking ban, when anyone could smoke in pubs) "oh I'll sort that one out" he replied, and sucked in all the air and blew it out the window. "How did you manage that?!" she exclaimed, he winked at her and said:
    "I'm an ex-tractor-fan"


    This joke only works if the kids know what an extractor fan is. And if you've raised them right they will.


  • #110
    rahrah
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13 ✭rahrah


    Why did the chicken cross the playground??


    To get to the other slide!


  • #111
    Dave!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,857 ✭✭✭✭Dave!


    bubbaloo wrote: »
    Why was 6 scared of 7?





    Because 7 8 9 !! :D
    Why was trois afraid of quatre? Because quatre cinq six! :D

    Funny and educational!


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  • #112
    Penisland
    Registered Users Posts: 293 ✭✭Penisland


    q. How do you make a sausage roll?

    a. Push it down a hill :D


  • #113
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    why do elephants have big ears ?

    Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom


  • #114
    Willbbz
    Registered Users Posts: 894 ✭✭✭Willbbz


    Did you hear about the monkey who left bits of his lunch all over the computer?

    His dad went bananas.
    :eek:


    :rolleyes:


  • #115
    cHaTbOx
    Registered Users Posts: 8,011 ✭✭✭cHaTbOx


    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" :D


  • #116
    Iomega Man
    Registered Users Posts: 523 ✭✭✭Iomega Man


    Q: Why can yo not bring headache tablets to the zoo?

    A: Because the parrots-eat-them-all...!!


  • #117
    Essien
    Registered Users Posts: 2,985 ✭✭✭Essien


    Where do you find a one legged dog

    Wherever you left him


  • #118
    OhThePenguin
    Registered Users Posts: 225 ✭✭OhThePenguin


    What to you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

    A wooly-jumper :D


  • #119
    RoadKillTs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,710 ✭✭✭RoadKillTs


    The teacher asked the class to put the word centimetre into a sentence.
    Little Tommy from the back of the class put his hand up.
    Yes Tommy says the teacher;
    Well Miss says Tommy "My Granny was coming to visit and I was centimetre."

    :)


  • #120
    MementoMori
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,492 ✭✭✭MementoMori


    Why is 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7 ate nine (7-8-9)

    :o


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  • #121
    reallyrose
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,727 ✭✭✭reallyrose


    Why are anteaters so healthy?

    Because they are full of anti-bodies.


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