The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

frag420 · 14-09-2011 4:14pm

Jumpy wrote: »

rovers2001 wrote: »

What do you call a bunch of epileptics at a Disco?

A foam party!

Sorry:eek:

Seriously man. Screw you. These epilepsy jokes arent funny. Not even a bit.
The amount of times people come out with stupid jokes like "what do you do with an epileptic in a bathtub?" "throw your clothes in"
Epilepsy jokes are. Not. Funny.

My best friend died that way.

He choked on a sock.

BAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

Was it not a jumpy he choked on??

Canard · 14-09-2011 5:59pm

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

omg a kitty · 14-09-2011 7:20pm

Read this on Funny Jokes app

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned in the room asking me if i peeked through the blindfold. I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guest were sitting around the table. Wishing me a happy birthday as I fainted.

Savage Tyrant · 14-09-2011 9:31pm

I never wanted to believe that my Dad had been stealing from his job as a road construction worker.
But when I got home...... All the signs where there...

admiralofthefleet · 14-09-2011 9:39pm

How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.

Guill · 16-09-2011 11:13am

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

kfallon · 16-09-2011 11:35am

Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.

Curious - Matthew went over to the duo and introduced himself and asked the older guy about his disability.

"My nephew and I are glaziers" - said the old guy "and one day when he was up a ladder my nephew Simon slipped - dropped a pane of glass - and it cut my legs clean off !!"

"That's terrible" said Matthew "but its great that your here to support him nevertheless, so who is your nephew going to be?"

"Oh I'm not supporting him" said the old guy "I'm singing with him"
Matthew was perplexed. He knew the back stage crew were good but who were these two going to become, when the old guy told him...

"Tonight Matthew - we're going to be....."

Simon and Half Uncle"

bijapos · 16-09-2011 11:44am

omg a kitty wrote: »

Read this on Funny Jokes app

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned in the room asking me if i peeked through the blindfold. I assured her I hadn't. At this point she removed the blindfold and twelve dinner guest were sitting around the table. Wishing me a happy birthday as I fainted.

Reminds me of this :pac:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Ts3CLcrlE

punk77 · 16-09-2011 1:12pm

The three Paddy's were marooned on a deserted island and after 6 months were on the edge of despair and getting on each others nerves when they found a fancy bottle washed up on the beach. When the bottle was opened, a Genie was released and ,in a deep booming voice, granted the three lads three wishes,one each.

Hardly believing this stroke of good fortune,Paddy English,pushed past the other two and said "I wish I was back in dear old Blighty tucking into a plate of roast beef and Yorkshire pud".With that,Paddy English disappeared.

Paddy Scots stepped forward excitedly and said "I wish I was back in bonny Scotland wearin' ma kilt and rollin' in the heather". Paddy Scots promptly disappeared.

Paddy Irish looked around him and thought for a moment before saying "Jaysus, this place is lonely without the lads. I wish they were back".

bonzodog2 · 17-09-2011 4:35pm

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden; but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
- Love, Papa

A few days later he received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
- Love, Vinnie

At 6 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
- Love, Vinnie

mapaco · 17-09-2011 5:02pm

why was the fly running across the corn flakes box?

cos it said 'tear along the dotted line'

dan1895 · 17-09-2011 10:32pm

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. He finishes it off and asks for the bill. As the waiter returns with the bill the panda pulls out a gun and kills everyone in the restaurant before calmly getting up and walking out the door.

Later, the police who are investigating the incident are watching the CCTV footage of what happened when the detective in charge makes the observation that "its typical panda behaviour"

"What do you mean?" asks one of the officers

The detective says; "He's a panda. He eats shoots and leaves"

Sanity_Saviour · 17-09-2011 11:11pm

"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave... Would you please call our children by their names."

Canard · 17-09-2011 11:21pm

Sanity_Saviour wasnt such a bad guy.

All he did was not read a few posts up. :P

Will I Amnt · 17-09-2011 11:24pm

Sanity_Saviour wrote: »

Hitler wasn't that much of a bad guy.

After all, he did kill Hitler.

If you liked that one you will just love patchys joke ^^^^^^

Sanity_Saviour · 17-09-2011 11:25pm

Patchy~ wrote: »

Sanity_Saviour wasnt such a bad guy.

All he did was not read a few posts up. :P

fixed....

foiled again by poor reading...

17-09-2011 11:36pm

Cavan man in Garda station: "My house has been burgled."

Guard: "Tell me what happened."

Cavan man: "I drove in my gate, and I could see the front door was smashed in. There was a coat stand and a dresser in the front hall, and they were gone. There was a telly, a stereo and a DVD player in the sitting room, and they were gone."

Guard: "That's terrible. Was anything else taken?"

Cavan man: "No, but do you know what? There was a pot of stew on the stove, and one of the robbers took a ****e in it."

Guard: "Yeucch, that's disgusting!"

Cavan man: "I know. I had to throw half of it out."

Canard · 17-09-2011 11:56pm

Rolled a joint with a page from the Qu'ran yesterday, wow did I get stoned!

TanG411 · 18-09-2011 12:00am

I saw the Grim Reaper holding a vacuum cleaner today.

It was Dyson with death!

dexter647 · 18-09-2011 3:51pm

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope,
you're still black':D

19-09-2011 12:09am

What do you call an obese arab?....

Yafat Fuqa

Rocky_Dennis · 19-09-2011 12:54am

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

19-09-2011 2:31am

Why did the two gays go into a phone box!

to give each other a ring

At which point my (then) five year old nephey pipes up

"but there's only one Phone"

(the reaction's better than the joke)

h3000 · 19-09-2011 4:17pm

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
"No thanks," he says. "I'm traveling light."

--Kaiser-- · 19-09-2011 4:21pm

Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second. I think I lost an electron"

The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"

The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

************************************

A proton, neutron, and electron went out to dinner one night. After a luxurious meal, the waiter brought the check to the proton and the electron. The neutron was perplexed as to why the waiter didn't bring him his check. So, he summoned the waiter to the table and asked him about it.

The waiter explained to the neutron, "For you, there's no charge!

smash · 19-09-2011 4:28pm

2 tampons passed each other but didn't say hello because they were both stuck up cnuts!

Lenmeister · 20-09-2011 1:26am

Mate told me this a few days ago.

He was in the pub with a bunch of friends a while back. 1 of the lads leans over and asks another lad for a loan of his phone. So he takes the phone and dials a number.

"Hello, that 11850? Yeah giz the number for 11811"

They were in stitches apparently, I would have been too. Those few seconds probably cost €1 aswell!

billybudd · 20-09-2011 2:07am

i once had a jacket that had 9 buttons, but i could only facinate.

joxer in school asked to make a sentence from facinate.

Jumpy · 20-09-2011 2:23am

billybudd wrote: »

i once had a jacket that had 9 buttons, but i could only facinate.

joxer in school asked to make a sentence from facinate.

http://www.rowsdowr.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Bert_snaps.gif

dexter647 · 20-09-2011 6:41pm

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife.. " Why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?"... Wife says " cause even your cock thinks your a cnut":D:D

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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