He has a criminal record

LegacyUser · 12-09-2014 10:53pm #1

I have found out that my boyfriend was convicted of a serious & very reckless crime and also had a drug problem. I'm pretty upset as he is such a kind decent person. He treats me like royalty. Has never put a foot wrong. This happened in the past.

Am I right to be upset that he never brought it up with me or should the past stay in the past. I feel he should have told me. I guess I'm worried for our future. Should I bring it up with him? I know people deserve another chance in life but I do feel he should have been honest but maybe I am over reacting?

jopax · 13-09-2014 8:08am

There would be something wrong with you if you weren't upset by this.
He might treat you like royalty but you obviously don't really know him.
Two questions are how serious was his crime? and how long are you with him?

jeepers101 · 13-09-2014 8:18am

The only difference between him and a lot of other people out there is that he got caught.

K.Flyer · 13-09-2014 8:41am

You really need to put things into perspective.
How old was he when it happened, was he young and foolish and hanging out with the wrong crowd?
How long ago was all of this and is he still in the same circle of friends?
Things happen to people, people make mistakes, some learn from them and others don't, your chap, hopefully, has learned his lessons and moved on from this time of his life. It's something that is in the past and as long as it doesn't affect the present or the future, then often thats where things are best left.
Whilst these things can be a shock, take the time to listen to what happened to him. It may be a part of his life he is not too proud about and didn't know how or when to tell you for fear of loosing you.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2014 8:42am

Thanks for the helpful replyJopax.

Together a year. Can't go into too much detail. The crime was one that caused danger to himself & others. Nobody was hurt. It would seem it happened at a very difficult time in his life.

Mr. Loverman · 13-09-2014 8:54am

I don't think you're overreacting. The fact that he hid it makes me wonder what else is he hiding. In general, liars lie regularly.

I do of course think his past can be forgiven if he is a changed man.

jopax · 13-09-2014 9:18am

unsurenow wrote: »

Thanks for the helpful replyJopax.

Together a year. Can't go into too much detail. The crime was one that caused danger to himself & others. Nobody was hurt. It would seem it happened at a very difficult time in his life.

Its a good that the crime didn't involve any hurt to others, so that element isn't such a worry.
The real issue is now whether he should have told you.
I think a year is long enough not to have said anything, a few months I would understand.
The other side is did he not think about how you would feel if you found out from someone else, as is exactly what happened.
I think you need to have a chat with him about this for your own self. Only then will you be able to put some more perspective on this.
The only thing I would say is that sometimes people only show us what they want us to see.

CaraMay · 13-09-2014 10:15am

So he still hasn't told you? You found out from someone else? How long ago did this happen?

A lot of people have difficult times in their lives but don't resort to drugs and criminal activity.

It would worry me that he hasn't told you by now tbh. I'm sure he doesn't want to scare you off but obviously it's public knowledge to some extent so he might have guessed you would find out.

This is a major red flag op. You had a right to know the type of person you were getting into a relationship early on and not 1 year down the line (and he hasn't even told you). It tell me that he is capable of great deception and that's a huge deal breaker for me.

iMac_Hunt · 13-09-2014 10:43am

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

I don't think you're overreacting. The fact that he hid it makes me wonder what else is he hiding. In general, liars lie regularly.

I do of course think his past can be forgiven if he is a changed man.

Where in the op has she said he lied to her?

Op, I wouldn't stress out about it. It was in the past. He may have felt if he told you, the relationship would not have developed and from your reaction, I don't think it would have!

You could ask him about it, be open minded about it as there could be a lot more to it than you've heard from a third party. In the year you have been together, have you noticed any behaviour that would suggest he would reoffend? If not, I would be inclined to think it was a mistake on his part and the chances are he doesn't feel proud of what happened.

Best of luck.

Mr. Loverman · 13-09-2014 12:24pm

iMac_Hunt wrote: »

Where in the op has she said he lied to her?

Concealing something as big as this is the same as lying.

freshpopcorn · 13-09-2014 2:08pm

One bit I'm a bit lost about is did he tell you or did you hear it from someone else?
I can kind of understand if he wanted to take his time to tell you because let's face it. It would scare a lot of people off. He might have experienced this in the past.
If you did hear it from someone else. How do you know it's true and are your sure there not dramatising everything a little. I know of a few people who would make a petty teft when somebody was 16 sound as bad as the great train robbery.
If it did happen in his past does he still hang around with the same people as before? Were they an influence in the crime.
You'd also have to ask yourself about the severity of the crime. Was it something he did silly in a car to show off to people or did it involve a weapon such as a gun.

shalalala · 13-09-2014 2:44pm

My friend has a theory that people can only change 10%. I would be inclined to agree. OP, only you know what the crime was so how much he would have to change. The issue for me would be the future. Would you be able to go travelling or would he be turned down for a visa? Things like that.

amdublin · 13-09-2014 11:17pm

What kind of drug problem? Is there any hepatitis or hiv risk op?

mrty · 14-09-2014 12:57am

Unsurenow wrote: »

I have found out that my boyfriend was convicted of a serious & very reckless crime and also had a drug problem. I'm pretty upset as he is such a kind decent person. He treats me like royalty. Has never put a foot wrong. This happened in the past.

Am I right to be upset that he never brought it up with me or should the past stay in the past. I feel he should have told me. I guess I'm worried for our future. Should I bring it up with him? I know people deserve another chance in life but I do feel he should have been honest but maybe I am over reacting?

Depends on the crime really, in my opinion anyway. He may have done something silly when he was a kid, a one off type of thing. May have woke him up. If it bothers you talk to him about it. I'm guessing he is really ashamed and didn't want to tell you, stigma and all that. Its probably also an indication of how significant you are to him, terrified he'll lose you if he says anything. I would give a chance and see you've said he treats you well and is a great guy to you. People do mature as they get older and as i said probably a thing off the past for him. Ultimately it boils down to the severity of the crime and how serious you deem it. Talk to him you would be silly to lose someone who by the sound of things loves and respect you a great deal. Look how many people of "high standing" in our society have committed some serious crimes and they run around head held high as though they have done nothing wrong. How many people in Ireland use cocaine nowadays how many people speed, don't pay their tv licence. AS i said in my opinion it depends on the crime and as long as your not with a violent maniac i think you should hear him out.

Farty88 · 14-09-2014 1:11am

To be honest if you love him and he loves you. I think what's in the past is in the past.people can change and I feel that life is too short to be dwelling and worrying over it. It's a different lifetime to him and something you've never experienced with him so let demons ly I'm sure he's not gonna give up a good life with you for a life of crime again. just enjoy the life you were living with him before this all came out and move forward and enjoy the future.hope this helps.

thefeatheredcat · 14-09-2014 3:29pm

Unsurenow wrote: »

I have found out that my boyfriend was convicted of a serious & very reckless crime and also had a drug problem.

OP I think it matters how this information came to light, was it through 2nd or 3rd hand information, from friends/family/people you don't know well or others who might have malicious intent in filling you in or through newspaper articles, through googling him? It matters to the extent as to accuracy and credibility of the conviction and whether the source - depending on which it is - is reliable.

He might not have told you for all sorts of reasons perhaps it is in the past, perhaps he felt he would be judged on the person he was then and actions of the past than the person he is now, perhaps he assumed you even knew already or perhaps he just was never going to tell you. I can't tell you why, only he can.

However, regardless of how the information came to you, it is not exactly something you can un-see, un-hear and un-know about. And the only option really is to talk with him about it in a non-confrontational way to get his version of what happened straight from the horse's mouth rather than maybe perhaps 3rd hand mis information or maybe even biased media articles. Once you talk to him about it then you can decide what to do about it and whether it impacts on your relationship to the point of not being together or whether it is something you can put in the past and focus on who he is now and how he is now and stay together based on your relationship and how you both behave in it.

kev1.3s · 14-09-2014 3:38pm

People can change in many ways, I'm not surprised he didn't tell you if he's trying to put that portion of his life behind him. Whilst I don't have any criminal history I do see different portions of my life, some I'm proud of and some I'm not.
People can be influenced by there environment as well as the people in it so I always try to take someone at face value until they do something to make me reconsider. Don't rely on second hand info.
Just because he hasn't told you yet doesn't make him a liar, he's just not confident to put it out there yet. Have you told him every thing you're embarrassed/ashamed of?

MugMugs · 15-09-2014 3:54pm

Let he without sin cast the first stone.

I've done wreckless things in my past. I would find it very hard to believe that not everybody here has been wreckless to some degree. As pointed out above however, the difference between your partner and others is that he got caught.

If knowing what you know changes your opinion of your partner or in some way alters your feelings for him then you've got an issue. Otherwise, I don't see the problem

catonthewire · 16-09-2014 1:51am

Very often it takes great courage to reveal our skeletons in the cupboard...

Everyone has the potential to turn our lives around, yes your boyfriend was reckless and drugs were a part of his life...
Should he wear this like a sack cloth for the rest of his life??
Not in my opinion....
He treats you with respect, have you ever until finding out his secret , suspected he is capable of harming you or others?..

Everyone deserves a second chance, if like your guy they prove their lives have changed for the better....
Talk to him , explain how you feel, perhaps suggest some timeout until you decide if you can get past his not disclosing his past.

LegacyUser · 16-09-2014 7:47am

Thanks a million for all your replies.

He is definitely a changed man. I know he would never harm me. The crime was extremely reckless but did not involve guns or anything like that. I guess I'm surprised he did not discuss it with me at some point I'm also slightly worried that there are other skeletons in that wardrope.

I don't know how to bring the subject up with him.

CaraMay · 16-09-2014 10:12am

OPhere wrote: »

Thanks a million for all your replies.

He is definitely a changed man. I know he would never harm me. The crime was extremely reckless but did not involve guns or anything like that. I guess I'm surprised he did not discuss it with me at some point I'm also slightly worried that there are other skeletons in that wardrope.

I don't know how to bring the subject up with him.

Just tell him some of what you heard and see if he explains the rest and is honest with you. I know that's underhand but he hasn't been straight with you and you need to know what you are dealing with

blueb · 16-09-2014 2:41pm

come on ... what did he do !

Tokyo · 16-09-2014 4:01pm

blueb - The OP specifically said that she didn't want to go into detail, not to mention that fishing for information like that is against the forum charter. Considering we've had a similar conversation just a few weeks ago, red carded, and please don't post in this thread again.

Regards,
Mike

blueb · 16-09-2014 4:30pm

fair enough

He has a criminal record

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