The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Flood · 28-01-2015 10:56pm

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in- law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in- law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

TheChevron · 29-01-2015 1:23pm

My friends were taking the piss out of my dog because he likes to play fetch.

I told them not to be giving him stick.

MonkeyTennis · 29-01-2015 2:16pm

Just to confirm. These are the best jokes you've ever heard?

tayto lover · 29-01-2015 3:56pm

MonkeyTennis wrote: »

Just to confirm. These are the best jokes you've ever heard?

You must have a few up your sleeve then yourself.
Go on then, let them rip.

TheChevron · 29-01-2015 4:40pm

Can we change the name of this thread to "The Joke Thread", for the benefit of the whingers.

blade1 · 29-01-2015 4:44pm

TheChevron wrote: »

Can we change the name of this thread to "The Joke Thread", for the benefit of the whingers.

Or the whinge thread even :pac:

Cheese Wagstaff · 29-01-2015 6:25pm

The 0 & 8 thread

yellowlabrador · 29-01-2015 6:30pm

Why was 6 scared of 7?

Cos 7,8,9.

Magico Gonzalez · 29-01-2015 6:35pm

We could rename it the 1980s joke thread?

The "Frank Carson want's his jokes back" thread?

The funny as a ripped scrotum thread?

ArnoldJRimmer · 29-01-2015 8:31pm

Magico Gonzalez wrote: »

We could rename it the 1980s joke thread?

The "Frank Carson want's his jokes back" thread?

The funny as a ripped scrotum thread?

Just for you, some Frank Carson classics:

My daughter came home one day and told me that she had some good news and some bad news about my car. She said 'The good news is that the airbag works.'

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and I said: "No dogs allowed". He said: "You allow guide dogs." I said: "Yes but they are either Alsatians or Labradors." He said, "Ah s***, what have they given me?"

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

jimgoose · 29-01-2015 8:52pm

ArnoldJRimmer wrote: »

Just for you, some Frank Carson classics:

My daughter came home one day and told me that she had some good news and some bad news about my car. She said 'The good news is that the airbag works.'

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

A guy walked into the pub with a cocker spaniel and I said: "No dogs allowed". He said: "You allow guide dogs." I said: "Yes but they are either Alsatians or Labradors." He said, "Ah s***, what have they given me?"

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

It's a wee cracker, hi!!

:):) God bless you Frank, wherever you are.

ohmslaw · 31-01-2015 9:33am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

And those waiting for a ternary punchline.

Is that not 11?

groovie · 31-01-2015 10:06am

ohmslaw wrote: »

Is that not 11?

10 in ternary is equivalent to 3 in decimal.

sh1tstirrer · 31-01-2015 10:12am

How Yodeling Began

Many years ago, a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry."
So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair, straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she, too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried, "after we made such passionate love last night?"
"What?" shouted the father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLDLADEEETOO!" And that's how yodeling began.

fryup · 31-01-2015 10:27am

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

did you make that up yourself or did you hear it?

sh1tstirrer · 31-01-2015 10:33am

fryup wrote: »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

did you make that up yourself or did you hear it?

I have the sole copyright to it

Flood · 31-01-2015 12:52pm

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and
he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

rolliepoley · 31-01-2015 2:12pm

Paddy wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said to him, "you must answer 3 questions on the Holy Bible."

"1st, who was born in a stable?"

"Red Rum", he answered.

"2nd, what do you think of Damascus?"

"It kills 99% of all known germs", he said.

"3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"

"That's easy," he said, "Popeye kicked the s**t out of them!"

rolliepoley · 31-01-2015 2:22pm

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

ohmslaw · 31-01-2015 7:56pm

groovie wrote: »

10 in ternary is equivalent to 3 in decimal.

If we keep going like this, we'll end up at 0 & 8.

enniscorthy · 31-01-2015 9:27pm

3 KNACKERS WALK INTO A BAR

THE BARMAN LOOKS UP AND SAYS

GET THE FCK OUT OF HERE

HEHE

coolhull · 31-01-2015 10:22pm

ohmslaw wrote: »

If we keep going like this, we'll end up at 0 & 8.

If we keep going like this, we'll end up in A & E, and not because we've split our sides laughing

31-01-2015 10:59pm

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.

No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.

No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Capt'n Midnight · 31-01-2015 11:30pm

ohmslaw wrote: »

If we keep going like this, we'll end up at 0 & 8.

Challenge accepted.

Why do programmers celebrate Christmas at Halloween ?

Because Dec 25 is the same as Oct 31

31-01-2015 11:44pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Challenge accepted.

Why do programmers celebrate Christmas at Halloween ?

Because Dec 25 is the same as Oct 31

I'll put a HEX on you for that joke. ....

EoghanIRL · 01-02-2015 2:42am

If 8 got laid it would be fücking without limits.

Oyva bigwan · 01-02-2015 2:54am

Guess what???

Chicken Butt

Senecio · 01-02-2015 3:03am

sh1tstirrer wrote: »

I have the sole copyright to it

I think someone beat you to it.

NSFW

http://youtu.be/Mtdu_do2NDo

Flood · 02-02-2015 3:23am

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Skullface McGubbin · 02-02-2015 7:42pm

A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

A woman goes to the store to find a husband.

She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."

She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.

The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."

She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."

“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"

She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will **** you good)"

She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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