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Brain Drain [poem]
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29-09-2013 3:18pm#1Any feedback appreciated
Not sure about the title really, just the first thing that came to mind. Also, the first stanza doesn't follow the rhyme scheme of the rest of them. This wasn't by design, I just fell into the rhyme scheme from the second stanza onwards! 
I'm kinda inclined to leave it, because it's slightly different to the 'tirade/rant' that follows... or maybe this is just some post-hoc rationalisation that I'm engaging in because I'm too lazy to change it! Thoughts appreciated!
ThanksBrain Drain
A smokey room with flattened beer,
And trays that overflow with butts;
Degenerates debate the news
With slurry speech; the stink of sweat,
The sight of spit shot from their mouths
With every syllable they utter,
Every grunt and thought they mutter;
Enough to drive a man to shout
And scream until his lungs explode;
To throw the ashtray at the screen
That’s mounted so it must be seen
And heard; creative thoughts erode;
The faculties under assault
From putrid and insipid sounds
And sights, but when I turn around
With weary heart, my hand revolts:
I roll my tired eyes and then
Loudly breath a plaintive sigh––
Enough to catch the barman’s eye––
Frown, and then pick up the pen.0
Comments
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This poem annoyed me - it has an air of superiority about it.Any feedback appreciated Not sure about the title really, just the first thing that came to mind. Also, the first stanza doesn't follow the rhyme scheme of the rest of them. This wasn't by design, I just fell into the rhyme scheme from the second stanza onwards! I'm kinda inclined to leave it, because it's slightly different to the 'tirade/rant' that follows... or maybe this is just some post-hoc rationalisation that I'm engaging in because I'm too lazy to change it! Thoughts appreciated!
Thanks
"Degenerates debate the news"
You seem to have a very negative view of pubs and the people who frequent them. I'm not sure I like the tone - it's very unforgiving and accusing. A very narrow minded view of things.0 -
Great feedback. Except I wanted feedback on the poem, not on my personality!
Your interpretation of the poem isn't really correct anyway. It's not a commentary on pubs in general (I presume you've seen that I mod the 'Non Drinkers Group' and put 2 + 2 together; I do in fact drink, as much as anybody else - not sure how I ended up modding that forum!), just one particular scene set in one particular (fictional) pub.
And it's more about the narrator than it is about the others.
Thanks anyway. Maybe read it again without the preconceptions?0 -
Great feedback. Except I wanted feedback on the poem, not on my personality!
Your interpretation of the poem isn't really correct anyway. It's not a commentary on pubs in general (I presume you've seen that I mod the 'Non Drinkers Group' and put 2 + 2 together; I do in fact drink, as much as anybody else - not sure how I ended up modding that forum!), just one particular scene set in one particular (fictional) pub.
And it's more about the narrator than it is about the others.
Thanks anyway. Maybe read it again without the preconceptions?
No - I didn't actually notice that at all. I just read the poem and straight away thought - what does he have against pubs?
Don't be so quick to accuse me having "preconceptions" because I absolutely did not. You asked for the poem to be critiqued, didn't you?
I would never judge a person by how much they drink (I'm not a teenager) - I don't drink much myself to be honest. I just got a real feeling of superiority from your poem. And that was from the narrator. obviously the poem is more about the narrator - it's his description of what is going on around him that led me to think what I did about him. And I presumed the narrator was you. Maybe it's not? I don't know - I can only interpret the poem as best I can. I can't read your mind.0 -
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Join Date:Posts: 28628
Anyone else got any thoughts?
I have a few thoughts about hcass' replies, but they'd probably get me banned from the forum...
Parts of the poem confused me a bit. Is it set in the 1980s or the modern era? The "brain drain" label is back in fashion, but the smokey room doesn't fit with the smoking ban and the big screen on the wall doesn't fit with the 80s pub scene.
A re-write of the first verse could give you a chance to remove that ambiguity, and would let you tie it in with the rhyming scheme of the other four verses (which I thought were quite good!)0 -
Thanks
I was thinking along the lines of Tom Waits So I guess the 80s in a bar in Murricaww.
This is not in a bar, but...
hmmm, I wasn't thinking a "big screen", but rather a small one in the corner, which can't be avoided if you're sitting at the bar.
You're right, I'll have to revisit it0
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