OH's Excuses

LegacyUser · 11-10-2014 11:42pm #1

I'm having a problem at the moment with my OH of three years, and it's really annoying me. Basically, to sum it all up: we had a weekend together planned down the line, the first in a while given that we've both been busy. We talked about it for a while and had decided on a few places that we could stay in that were affordable. I called her last week to hammer out the final details...she said she couldn't anymore, as she didn't have the cash she put aside for it. When I asked why, it was because she had taken a trip to see a friend of hers (female) and had spent all of her funds on the journey...which she was taking at the time of the discussion. I was surprised and annoyed, but I thought her friend must be in a bad way if she was willing to - in her words - make the sacrifice to see her. Turns out, there's nothing wrong. Of course, I heard a range of reasons that quickly became excuses: she didn't get to see her that often, she thought our plans could wait, she didn't think it'd be as expensive as it was, she didn't think I'd mind. It got to the point where she contradicted herself so often it wasn't worth continuing the conversation.

Now I'm not sure what's going on. I'm confused and angry and I feel like this was an utterly selfish thing to do. Am I wrong? Granted, I was lucky I found this out now as I would have been in a worse situation had I booked the hotel/B&B before this, but it still makes me angry.

R.D. aka MR.D · 12-10-2014 9:59am

I don't think that you are wrong to be annoyed. That's a really horrible thing to do.

How is the relationship otherwise? Maybe she is fed up but doesn't have the guts to break up with you?

The only advice I can give is to decide if this is a deal breaker and then speak with her about it. Tell her why you are annoyed and what you would like to happen in the future- break up or better communication or whatever you decide is what you want.

tinkerbell · 14-10-2014 11:51pm

It doesn't say much for your relationship if you have both been saving / waiting for a weekend away together and then she goes and spends all her money to see a friend of hers and figures your trip away can wait. You're not high up on her priority list, I'm afraid

That is a really crappy thing she did, I'd be furious tbh and really disappointed.

LegacyUser · 15-10-2014 2:28am

Op here: sorry for the long delay in replying, I've had a busy time lately. I'm planning on talking to her this week when I can spare the time, face-to-face. I think you're both correct, that talking is necessary and also that I'm not a priority, that I have to decide what is a deal-breaker and what isn't. I feel terrible and haven't been feeling all that great to begin with, but I'm halfway between being blindly angry and being really sad. It honestly feels like I can't say or do much in the face of something like this, that all I can do is talk it out and see where it goes. It just seems like she's not committed to us, that she'd rather choose to avoid me and do something she could do at any other time really says plenty about how she views me. I'll have to wait and see, I'm just really tired, this has taken a confusing toll on me.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-10-2014 7:31am

I don't know... I wouldn't be getting too upset without talking to her. Is she normally a nice girl? Does she normally try to please everyone? You said she went to see her friend, so I assume her friend doesn't live close by? And she said she doesn't see her often.. Maybe the friend invited her to visit and she didn't want to say no.

Yes, she is making excuses, but it sounds like she is trying to justify why she went to see her friend. If you were angry at her, she was going to keep coming up with reasons why she spent the money.

I hope this wouldn't be a deal breaker in a good relationship. She was trying to please everyone, and in doing so she let you down... Unfortunately it can happen in a relationship. She is most comfortable with you, so feels she can't say no to others, but you won't mind if plans have to change a bit.

Don't go rushing in doing anything hasty. Talk to her. Let her know how disappointed you are that your weekend away had to be put off. But don't just think she's making excuses, or that she doesn't care about you. I'm guessing she does care about you. You just have to let her know that when she does something to please others, but that lets you down, that it upsets you.

I doubt she deliberately set out to upset you. And I'd say she hoped you'd be ok with it. It's ok to let her know that you are definitely not ok with it. But if she's generally a nice person, I'd give her a chance. Just let her know that sometimes it's ok to say no to people and tell them that you have plans together.

LegacyUser · 15-10-2014 3:18pm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know... I wouldn't be getting too upset without talking to her. Is she normally a nice girl? Does she normally try to please everyone? You said she went to see her friend, so I assume her friend doesn't live close by? And she said she doesn't see her often.. Maybe the friend invited her to visit and she didn't want to say no.

Yes, she is making excuses, but it sounds like she is trying to justify why she went to see her friend. If you were angry at her, she was going to keep coming up with reasons why she spent the money.

I hope this wouldn't be a deal breaker in a good relationship. She was trying to please everyone, and in doing so she let you down... Unfortunately it can happen in a relationship. She is most comfortable with you, so feels she can't say no to others, but you won't mind if plans have to change a bit.

Don't go rushing in doing anything hasty. Talk to her. Let her know how disappointed you are that your weekend away had to be put off. But don't just think she's making excuses, or that she doesn't care about you. I'm guessing she does care about you. You just have to let her know that when she does something to please others, but that lets you down, that it upsets you.

I doubt she deliberately set out to upset you. And I'd say she hoped you'd be ok with it. It's ok to let her know that you are definitely not ok with it. But if she's generally a nice person, I'd give her a chance. Just let her know that sometimes it's ok to say no to people and tell them that you have plans together.

No, her friend doesn't live close by, but I've never begrudged her going to see her friend (she went a few weeks prior to it) and she let me know that it all went wrong, there was a party and things got out of hand. As for if she's usually nice? She has a short fuse when it comes to being broached about any topic - I once got a talk about independence when she forgot a doctor's appointment and I reminded her about it. She gets highly defensive at the best of times, so it's a case of pushing past excuses and getting to the heart of the matter. In all honesty, this isn't the first time this has happened, but it's getting worse now. When I contacted her to see if everything was ok, she accused me of being happy it all went wrong, and that I was just angry she didn't talk to me, that she was selfish but I should be better to her...I feel like she needs to talk to someone, because she's getting more and more inconsistent and it's worrying. I really don't think she was trying to please everyone though, she doesn't do anything unless she wants to, so that's where half my problems lie. And even then, she could have at least apologised for skipping out, or let me know prior to her taking the trip, then I'd have been ok with it, but keeping it from me was irresponsible.

Shrap · 15-10-2014 7:20pm

WhySoDifficult wrote: »

When I contacted her to see if everything was ok, she accused me of being happy it all went wrong, and that I was just angry she didn't talk to me, that she was selfish but I should be better to her...I feel like she needs to talk to someone, because she's getting more and more inconsistent and it's worrying. I really don't think she was trying to please everyone though, she doesn't do anything unless she wants to, so that's where half my problems lie. And even then, she could have at least apologised for skipping out, or let me know prior to her taking the trip, then I'd have been ok with it, but keeping it from me was irresponsible.

TBH I feel like YOU need to talk to someone about the writing on the wall OP. From what you've said about her defensiveness, her accusations, her unwillingness to keep you in the loop/let you into her life in a bigger way, the least you can do here is have a serious talk with her about this.

It's not cool a) skipping out on you without a heads up or apology and b) turning the tables when something to find fault with you when something goes wrong for her. You sound level headed and rational, and you deserve similar treatment. Also, you're up here wondering should she talk to someone, but it's you looking for advice on how to deal with these inconsistencies. You could tell her how you expect to be treated fairly and give her a chance, but it looks like she'll throw it back at you. Best of luck.

charlietheminxx · 16-10-2014 8:45am

Hmmmm I might be seeing things differently than everyone else. Is it a long distance relationship OP? I ask because of the way you've phrased things about contacting her. You don't seem particularly close for a couple who have been together 3 years.

If it is a long distance relationship then that can put an additional strain on anyone. All holiday time and spare cash goes into the partner and after a while resentment can build.

Your girlfriend sounds pretty insensitive, immature and reckless, but likewise you sound a little bit like you despair of her? It's not a nice feeling to have a partner who considers you to be flakey and admonishes you (I.e. The dentist thing). I don't really understand why you're together at all?

FactCheck · 16-10-2014 9:39am

WhySoDifficult wrote: »

No, her friend doesn't live close by, but I've never begrudged her going to see her friend (she went a few weeks prior to it) and she let me know that it all went wrong, there was a party and things got out of hand. As for if she's usually nice? She has a short fuse when it comes to being broached about any topic - I once got a talk about independence when she forgot a doctor's appointment and I reminded her about it. She gets highly defensive at the best of times, so it's a case of pushing past excuses and getting to the heart of the matter. In all honesty, this isn't the first time this has happened, but it's getting worse now.

Honestly, when I read this, I'm not sure whether you're in the right or she's in the right, or (most likely) neither of you entirely are. What jumps out, though, is that it seems like the love is just gone.

That's fine, it happens. Do you really want to still be with her? Is this the straw that broke the camel's back? There's no point having her go to counselling or you both go to counselling if the relationship has just run its course.

You've said above that she turns discussions into lists of excuses. It feels like Big Bag gave you a solid explanation why she could be a good person and this could still be a good relationship - but you responded with a litany of excuses for why no, she's terrible and the relationship is terrible. That's absolutely not a criticism of you! I'm just saying that you don't seem to want to work things out. It seems like the love is just gone.

If it is, my advice is, don't drag things out.

Matteroffact · 16-10-2014 10:11am

She probably feels she can see you anyway and doesn't have to spend money going away with you to see you. It is probably just a case of taking you for granted a little bit. You didn't have a specific date set for this trip away and maybe she just just felt you could both do it another time. It sounds more like a shortage of cash here rather than a lack of interest.

osarusan · 16-10-2014 10:16am

It seems to me that the cancelled trip is symptomatic of a larger problem here - she is very independent and defensive when she is questioned about any aspect of that.

I'd be more worried about the pattern that you seem to see emerging.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-10-2014 11:35am

Do you want to still be in a relationship with her?

Honestly? You both sound a bit defensive. And neither of you likes the other telling you you're at fault.

Decide if you can put up with each others faults, because everyone has them. If you can't then neither of you are necessarily wrong, you just have reached a point where it's not working anymore.

LegacyUser · 16-10-2014 4:40pm

OP again:

Thanks for all the points, it's giving me things to think about. As for resentment, how I feel she's a bad person, I don't. I think she has forgotten what made our relationship work, and that's meeting in the middle and coming to a compromise on things, the appointment situation was literally an issue of her being a terrible patient, never taking care of herself and she knows this, and while I try not to do it all the time, her memory for things is inconsistent at best. As for taking criticism, I'll admit I'm not above getting defensive, but I do admit when I'm wrong and I'm not above accepting it. In this case, it really is a matter of a larger problem that's difficult to explain. If I'm in the wrong, I expect to hear about it and I accept it, that's just how it works with me, but I also feel like I'm being met less in the middle of the relationship, and more to accommodate her needs. It's not so much long distance as awkward distance, in that where she lives is hard to get to, it's the same with me. I've no issue with this, it's temporary (the situation changed a few months back from us living in the same area to two different locations) but she does treat me very differently now. I get strain, but I don't think I'm demanding, I've never pushed her to do things. I want to make this work, I'm trying my hardest to make things work, but maybe it has run it's course and there's nothing that can be done about it. While I hate the thought, it might be time to move on because without compromise we can't move forward, there is a pattern emerging and it's just not working for me anymore.

Lalealea · 16-10-2014 11:54pm

WhySoDifficult wrote: »

OP again:

Thanks for all the points, it's giving me things to think about. As for resentment, how I feel she's a bad person, I don't. I think she has forgotten what made our relationship work, and that's meeting in the middle and coming to a compromise on things, the appointment situation was literally an issue of her being a terrible patient, never taking care of herself and she knows this, and while I try not to do it all the time, her memory for things is inconsistent at best. As for taking criticism, I'll admit I'm not above getting defensive, but I do admit when I'm wrong and I'm not above accepting it. In this case, it really is a matter of a larger problem that's difficult to explain. If I'm in the wrong, I expect to hear about it and I accept it, that's just how it works with me, but I also feel like I'm being met less in the middle of the relationship, and more to accommodate her needs. It's not so much long distance as awkward distance, in that where she lives is hard to get to, it's the same with me. I've no issue with this, it's temporary (the situation changed a few months back from us living in the same area to two different locations) but she does treat me very differently now. I get strain, but I don't think I'm demanding, I've never pushed her to do things. I want to make this work, I'm trying my hardest to make things work, but maybe it has run it's course and there's nothing that can be done about it. While I hate the thought, it might be time to move on because without compromise we can't move forward, there is a pattern emerging and it's just not working for me anymore.

She dashed your hopes. Which is unkind of her to say the least. She seems tense and tetchy. Forget about this particulars. It's not the particular it's the personality and your interaction. Either you find a way to communicate that bridges the disconnect or you don't. If you feel you are giving and giving and she is not giving the same. (I know how that feels), you can feel very distraught.

Wompa1 · 18-10-2014 9:09am

WhySoDifficult wrote: »

OP again:

Thanks for all the points, it's giving me things to think about. As for resentment, how I feel she's a bad person, I don't. I think she has forgotten what made our relationship work, and that's meeting in the middle and coming to a compromise on things, the appointment situation was literally an issue of her being a terrible patient, never taking care of herself and she knows this, and while I try not to do it all the time, her memory for things is inconsistent at best. As for taking criticism, I'll admit I'm not above getting defensive, but I do admit when I'm wrong and I'm not above accepting it. In this case, it really is a matter of a larger problem that's difficult to explain. If I'm in the wrong, I expect to hear about it and I accept it, that's just how it works with me, but I also feel like I'm being met less in the middle of the relationship, and more to accommodate her needs. It's not so much long distance as awkward distance, in that where she lives is hard to get to, it's the same with me. I've no issue with this, it's temporary (the situation changed a few months back from us living in the same area to two different locations) but she does treat me very differently now. I get strain, but I don't think I'm demanding, I've never pushed her to do things. I want to make this work, I'm trying my hardest to make things work, but maybe it has run it's course and there's nothing that can be done about it. While I hate the thought, it might be time to move on because without compromise we can't move forward, there is a pattern emerging and it's just not working for me anymore.

Had a relationship go down a similar path. The girl at the time was traveling for work and met knew people through that. She came back spouting some rhetoric about being independent and not having labels etc. I should have seen the signs. Not only was she showing me with that BS talk but through her actions too of just being a self centered, cold and uncaring a-hole. I think you may need to brace yourself for some hurt here

OH's Excuses

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