Struggling

Tuathanach · 20-06-2014 8:44pm #1

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum - I'm 25 and consider myself (if we need to have labels) bi-sexual but likely leaning more towards the gay side of the bread!

It all came about when I was 14 I believe and I embraced 'being 'gay' ' not to the extent of tattooing it on my head but more on a personal level and I engaged in relationships. This was never known to anybody except a close circle of friends from 'the town'. I grew up in the country - the real country; think farm and 100 people and so from my local circle - nobody ever knew.

I seemed to experience some crisis in my very early 20s and from that moment I started to feel a certain anger and even hatred towards my sexuality: I became quite religious, I met a girl with a baby, we moved in together and I put it completely out of my mind - by the time that relationship came to an end I moved away and moved to the city, Dublin. I wanted to restart my life free of my previous-gay self but over the past year or so - my freedom and success in Dublin (life is going well, well, except for being totally skint til pay day!) I start to find myself being more and more attracted to the same sex, I guess I feel lonely and cut off from it all. I don't want to be part of any stereotype or a frequenter on scene - i'm not at those levels of confidence yet but there's an overwhelming feeling of burdon on my shoulders.

I feel myself panicking because my brain says I want women; family, kids, house etc but my heard draws me more towards men - possibly from a sense of familiarity and a higher confidence.

I am sexually attracted to women, I loved my time with women - I am completely ''straight'' to look at - down the country i'm just another one of the lads but inside I feel completely destraught - I can't accept homosexuality regardless of what I read or what people tell me - but I can't actively persue a woman either.

Sorry, i'm just having a wee rant away to myself here in the hope that somebody will understand and just talk about!

This isn't something I can talk about openly, so it's very much trapped inside! I don't want life to pass me by - but I just don't seem to be able to allow myself to be me - I don't really even know what 'me' is.

imme · 20-06-2014 11:13pm

Would a book be any use.

Books Upstairs on College Green has a Gay & Lesbian section.
Not wanting to put a label on you I think they have books on sexuality and related subjects.

There'a always the internet if you don't want to browse a gay section of a bookshop, you can do it anonymously online.

J_E · 20-06-2014 11:29pm

Tuathanach wrote: »

I don't want to be part of any stereotype or a frequenter on scene - i'm not at those levels of confidence yet but there's an overwhelming feeling of burdon on my shoulders.

Ah - this particular statement caught my eye. It's a nearly universal feeling with guys when they first come out, I think. There is definitely a fear of being segregated and painted with a certain brush, along with the uncomfortable presence of something that can expose a side of you that you're not so comfortable with.

When you start to explore your sexuality, sometimes there can be a bit of an identity crisis. It is never going to be a 'smooth' transition, but let yourself be you. Nobody has a 100%-set sexuality, but socially it's handier to have an affiliation. The 'scene' is not one group of men, I think we all have that perception until we actually take a look in. There are so many types of 'scenes', so why not do some research online and see what's out there? There are a bunch of places if you live in Dublin to safely explore in. Outhouse might be able to get you in touch with some of these groups. The most important thing - and the hardest - is to be honest to yourself independent of how you think others will perceive and judge you. Once you get over that hurdle, the whole experience becomes a lot easier, and you can just enjoy life without the internal conflicts. There's nothing wrong with having major/minor sort of orientation, it's more common than you think. Think positives, not 'what if's!

Tuathanach · 21-06-2014 12:01am

Cydoniac wrote: »

Ah - this particular statement caught my eye. It's a nearly universal feeling with guys when they first come out, I think. There is definitely a fear of being segregated and painted with a certain brush, along with the uncomfortable presence of something that can expose a side of you that you're not so comfortable with.

When you start to explore your sexuality, sometimes there can be a bit of an identity crisis. It is never going to be a 'smooth' transition, but let yourself be you. Nobody has a 100%-set sexuality, but socially it's handier to have an affiliation. The 'scene' is not one group of men, I think we all have that perception until we actually take a look in. There are so many types of 'scenes', so why not do some research online and see what's out there? There are a bunch of places if you live in Dublin to safely explore in. Outhouse might be able to get you in touch with some of these groups. The most important thing - and the hardest - is to be honest to yourself independent of how you think others will perceive and judge you. Once you get over that hurdle, the whole experience becomes a lot easier, and you can just enjoy life without the internal conflicts. There's nothing wrong with having major/minor sort of orientation, it's more common than you think. Think positives, not 'what if's!

Thank you for that and for the kind advice!

Actually, I did 'come out' to my mother (she was the only one) but then I 'went back in' as it were - I found a girlfriend, I assured her this is what I wanted - I almost convinced myself of that fact too (i did sexually enjoy being with women) but now that I have more confidence - life is looking up, work is stable, new friends and people - I start to feel a sort of 'real me' emerging as opposed to my previous self-brainwashed attempt at finding my place within the reality of my, then, society.

Sorry to go on!

Lyaiera · 21-06-2014 3:16am

You can read stories about the LGBT lifestyle being about free-love: sexual kinks, assless chaps and leather. There are bears and there twinks, and there are drag queens and there are in real life queens. I think I want someone I can settle down with. I think I want someone I can cuddle up to after a day, and who I can unload on and who I can relax with completely. I've never had a satisfactory sexual experience, and it's been a long time since I tried, but that seems like something I can look for too.

OP, you seem like you have things going well for. A good life, a good job, good friends and a pay cheque that lasts until the next. Let yourself fall in love with someone. This sounds cliched when there's the Gay Pride thread debating about expressions of sexuality, and kink communities and women in bikinis swimming in the grand canal.

There's a lot of fraught difficulties. There is exposing yourself to people who can hurt you, there's saying things that "can never be taken back." There are the highs and lows, but eventually there might be someone you can spend your days with. Eventually there could well be a partner who you love and defend and care about so deeply that nothing else matters. Whether that person is a man or a woman, or whether you find you want to live a polyamorous life or a kink life, it's worth remembering there could well be someone out there who makes your current worries seem like shadows of your past.

Tuathanach · 21-06-2014 9:31am

Lyaiera wrote: »

You can read stories about the LGBT lifestyle being about free-love: sexual kinks, assless chaps and leather. There are bears and there twinks, and there are drag queens and there are in real life queens. I think I want someone I can settle down with. I think I want someone I can cuddle up to after a day, and who I can unload on and who I can relax with completely. I've never had a satisfactory sexual experience, and it's been a long time since I tried, but that seems like something I can look for too.

OP, you seem like you have things going well for. A good life, a good job, good friends and a pay cheque that lasts until the next. Let yourself fall in love with someone. This sounds cliched when there's the Gay Pride thread debating about expressions of sexuality, and kink communities and women in bikinis swimming in the grand canal.

There's a lot of fraught difficulties. There is exposing yourself to people who can hurt you, there's saying things that "can never be taken back." There are the highs and lows, but eventually there might be someone you can spend your days with. Eventually there could well be a partner who you love and defend and care about so deeply that nothing else matters. Whether that person is a man or a woman, or whether you find you want to live a polyamorous life or a kink life, it's worth remembering there could well be someone out there who makes your current worries seem like shadows of your past.

+1

You're very right - this is what I too think (in theory sadly and not in terms of my reality)

playedalive · 21-06-2014 11:34am

Hi OP. I can see the thought process you're going through. You're afraid that being gay/bisexual will change you and will segregate you. It's the very start of the realisation/coming out process.

I was the same. I felt acknowledging being bisexual (later, coming out as gay) was how I generally felt. But, as time went on, I realised there are different levels of attraction. Maybe they meant I was bisexual, pansexual, I don't know. That could be yourself. For me, I came to a point where I came to terms that I prefer being closer and intimate to guys than girls. Maybe there's a shade of bisexuality there, but I don't like saying I'm bi because I can't say for certain I like girls, in general, more than as friends.

Maybe a group in outhouse would be good. You could try gaydar/grindr if you wanted to otherwise meet guys and chat, or see what guys you are attracted to. (some who are just happy to chat, many who just want sex but you have to swim through those). I was very confused when I decided to not ignore my confused feelings towards attraction and sexuality. Working on it even on basic step (like, looking at what guys you'd find attractive or what you admire in a guy) can build up your confidence a bit, and you eventually learn to incorporate being Gay/Queer...into your life. I can't say I'm fully confident in my sexuality but little things like this have helped.

Tuathanach · 21-06-2014 1:37pm

playedalive wrote: »

Hi OP. I can see the thought process you're going through. You're afraid that being gay/bisexual will change you and will segregate you. It's the very start of the realisation/coming out process.

I was the same. I felt acknowledging being bisexual (later, coming out as gay) was how I generally felt. But, as time went on, I realised there are different levels of attraction. Maybe they meant I was bisexual, pansexual, I don't know. That could be yourself. For me, I came to a point where I came to terms that I prefer being closer and intimate to guys than girls. Maybe there's a shade of bisexuality there, but I don't like saying I'm bi because I can't say for certain I like girls, in general, more than as friends.

Maybe a group in outhouse would be good. You could try gaydar/grindr if you wanted to otherwise meet guys and chat, or see what guys you are attracted to. (some who are just happy to chat, many who just want sex but you have to swim through those). I was very confused when I decided to not ignore my confused feelings towards attraction and sexuality. Working on it even on basic step (like, looking at what guys you'd find attractive or what you admire in a guy) can build up your confidence a bit, and you eventually learn to incorporate being Gay/Queer...into your life. I can't say I'm fully confident in my sexuality but little things like this have helped.

Food for thought. Cheers mate!

Temaz · 22-06-2014 10:47am

Tuathanach wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm new to this forum - I'm 25 and consider myself (if we need to have labels) bi-sexual but likely leaning more towards the gay side of the bread!

It all came about when I was 14 I believe and I embraced 'being 'gay' ' not to the extent of tattooing it on my head but more on a personal level and I engaged in relationships. This was never known to anybody except a close circle of friends from 'the town'. I grew up in the country - the real country; think farm and 100 people and so from my local circle - nobody ever knew.

I seemed to experience some crisis in my very early 20s and from that moment I started to feel a certain anger and even hatred towards my sexuality: I became quite religious, I met a girl with a baby, we moved in together and I put it completely out of my mind - by the time that relationship came to an end I moved away and moved to the city, Dublin. I wanted to restart my life free of my previous-gay self but over the past year or so - my freedom and success in Dublin (life is going well, well, except for being totally skint til pay day!) I start to find myself being more and more attracted to the same sex, I guess I feel lonely and cut off from it all. I don't want to be part of any stereotype or a frequenter on scene - i'm not at those levels of confidence yet but there's an overwhelming feeling of burdon on my shoulders.

I feel myself panicking because my brain says I want women; family, kids, house etc but my heard draws me more towards men - possibly from a sense of familiarity and a higher confidence.

I am sexually attracted to women, I loved my time with women - I am completely ''straight'' to look at - down the country i'm just another one of the lads but inside I feel completely destraught - I can't accept homosexuality regardless of what I read or what people tell me - but I can't actively persue a woman either.

Sorry, i'm just having a wee rant away to myself here in the hope that somebody will understand and just talk about!

This isn't something I can talk about openly, so it's very much trapped inside! I don't want life to pass me by - but I just don't seem to be able to allow myself to be me - I don't really even know what 'me' is.

I have gone through a very similar experience and am only know coming to terms with myself. Hang in there, talk to someone.

best of luck.

Tuathanach · 13-08-2014 11:35am

Thank you guys for the nice replies - appreciate it

daithi84 · 14-08-2014 2:50pm

When i was coming out around 10 years ago i was very afraid of the scene as in my head I was being thrown into this established world and i was the newbie not knowing anything really and afraid to put a foot wrong. The fact that i didnt have any gay friends and had to rely on straight friends going with me to the G etc was not good as they were as clueless as me but they didnt have anything to lose or gain from going there where I was isolated and desperately needed to be near people like me. I'm 30 now and what i learned is that its not a competition or race to be a proper gay. Just be yourself, while the gay scene does look cliquey and segregated into different groups it actually isnt. Everyone is just out to have a good laugh and you will be accepted no matter what you call yourself or identify as. I have many groups of friends now ranging in all ages, nationalities and walks of life.

My main conflict was accepting myself and learning no to give a flying f**k what anyone thought of me or what i thought they would think of me. The main hurdle is getting over the fear of the unknown. Just go for it. Go socialise with other gay or bi guys and get some friends who would go on the scene with you. If you dont like it dont go again but im telling you its not as bad as some people make out. There are the ones who are there for the ride but sure let them, no one is forcing you to do anything you dont want to.

When i was younger i was never attracted to women so i cant relate to that. I mainly just hid my attraction to guys and went out with one woman for like a month because people started talking about me and i wasnt ready to come out. You don't have to put yourself in a box and be only that. You do what you want to do, if you like women go for a woman, if you want a man go date a man. No one is judging, no one is keeping score just be yourself and feck everything else.

Struggling

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