Suicide and men.

I've had three friends commit suicide over the last 8 years or so. Two young men and a young woman. I wept non-stop for ages afterwards. The devastation that their untimely deaths caused their loved ones, their friends and everyone that knew them was unbelievable. Young people, in the prime of their lives. But obviously they were hiding demons that nobody, not even their family or close friends knew.

But the one that will always stick in my mind was the time my best friend attempted to commit suicide. We are living together. Have been for the last 5 years. One of the best housemates you could ask for. I love this guy like a brother.

He broke up with his girlfriend and it hit him really hard. Along with a couple of other things, this just pushed him to the edge. I came home from work one evening. I found him in the kitchen. He had cut his arm open with a knife. The amount of blood was unbelievable. I spent an agonising 15 minutes cradling him in my arms waiting for the ambulance to arrive. He had even left a note for me, begging me to forgive him. Thankfully, the ambulance arrived in time and he was saved.

One of the most numbing experiences of that incident, was when I arrived home from the hospital that night. And I had to mop up the blood from the kitchen floor and clean my best friend's blood off the cupboards, counters and the sink. In something of a bit of symbolism, I broke the knife he'd used and threw it in the bin.

Usually after work, I go for a coffee and a chat with some co-workers, and I don't arrive home until later. For some reason, that day I didn't. I arrived home earlier than usual. Every single day, I shudder to think what I would have arrived home to had I gone for that coffee.

He lost a lot of blood and he nearly died. I couldn't stop crying and feeling so awful for days afterwards.

I remember when he finally arrived home from the hospital, we had a bit of a confrontation. I was crying, and angry at the same time. I called him a 'stupid bastard' and screamed at him about how I would have felt had I arrived home later than I did. He cried and said he was so sorry. I will admit, I went overboard and called him 'disgraceful' and a 'f*cking selfish c*nt' and all other manner of horrible things. I apologised so sincerely for saying that within a few minutes. We hugged it out and just cried and cried.

This guy is the best friend I've ever had and will ever have. We've been through so much together. That moment when I walked into the kitchen that night and saw him is a moment that is burned into my mind forever. I will never forget it.

My friend has gotten a lot better. He's seen a therapist, he's far more open about talking to me and others about what bothers him, he's far happier and it's just wonderful to see. He also has refused to get plastic surgery on his arm. The scar is vivid on his arm. He says that it is a reminder for him. A reminder to never let himself get to that stage again.

My life has been touched by suicide far too often. My best friend is lucky that he's financially in a position to go and see private therapists and get the help he needs. But far too many people are not in a position to pay for much needed mental health services. The above resources are essential.

Despite what I may have screamed in a moment of anger, suicidal people are not selfish, nor are they cowards, nor are they bad people. They need help. They are people struggling with life in a way we cannot begin to fathom and they need our help and our support. They do not need scorn or platitudes about 'Can you not just try to be happy' or some other such sh*t.

For example, would you walk up to a cancer patient and say 'Could you not just try to NOT have cancer?'. Would you f*ck.

Sorry for the long post, by the way. I just got carried away a bit.

Final thought. For anyone who feels suicidal, you are not alone. The people who love you, your friends and your family, are there for you. There are people who can help you. You are NOT alone. Seek help. When you are walking in the dark, groping around to find your way, hold out your hand. For there is a person there waiting to take your hand and guide you to the light. It is not a sign of weakness to look for help. The strongest thing you can do is admit that you need help and to look for it. Please, don't be afraid.

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Wow. Powerful post JaseHeath. Hopefully your buddy will be ok for the longterm

Thanks, Pawwed. It just kinda all came spilling out.

And he's fine now, thankfully. It's been tough. But between the therapy sessions and being able to blow off steam to me whenever he needs, it's helped. Thankfully, he's never down or anything any more really. Times when he is feeling down, he talks about it now. To me or to his doctor or to someone. It's good to talk.

sleepyheadh wrote: »

To assert that someone hasn't thought long and hard about the effect their actions will have on those around them is ridiculous. They most likely have, and unfortunately they have came to the conclusion that their loved ones would be better without them.

The phrase, a permanent solution to a temporary problem, is banded about. Mental health issues are not just a fleeting thing. They can exist for a life time. Someone may have struggled their entire existence, and eventually feel that they can't go on. Is this a selfish act? Not at all in my opinion. I actually think assisted suicide would benefit a lot of people, however that is a discussion for another day.

The thing I also say to people is this. Try standing on a high structure, on a balcony for example, and imagine jumping off. Really jumping off. It is certainly not an easy thing to do. Now if you imagine how a person must have felt, so that they were in a situation were that feeling was better than the pain they were trying to deal with!

Really really agree with this.

So sorry to read about your friend Ulysses.

sleepyheadh wrote: »

I know you don't mean to do it, but you have just done exactly what I was saying.

You have just implied that all men bottle up their feelings, and all women are like faucets that are constantly turned on full, pouring every last emotion out.

Life, and people are not black and white!

You need to quit with the "all" men - nobody is saying anything about "all" men, only you.
Of the men themselves who find it difficult to express their innermost feelings, it isn't them, it's a prevailing view that it's weird for men to cry. Nobody said "All women are faucets that are constantly turned on full, pouring every last emotion out". Putting words in people's mouths is not helpful.

I actually think this is where homophobia actually impacts *all* guys, gay and straight.

There's a terrible fear of being presumed to be "a bit gay" simply for being able to express emotions and I think it's a big barrier in male communication.

I'm hopeful that as the whole gay thing becomes a non issue that it'll actually help all guys to just not worry about letting the emotions out now and then and actually talking.

We've created a society (and I'm talking much broader than Ireland here) where lads are expected to be emotionless automatons, go out and do tough work, never complain, act as cannon fodder for armies and generally just shut up and take it.

Let's not forget than its only a 100 years ago guys suffering from post traumatic stress and serious problems from witnessing horrific scenes in WWI were accused of being cowards and shot or at the very least absolutely destroyed for it.

We've treated men extremely badly, particularly since the Victorian era and I think it's something we tend to overlook a lot because the societal attitudes still cause problems.

I don't actually think there's THAT big a difference between men and women and how they feel about things. We're not two distinct species! It's just that as a bloke we're taught from an early age to be nearly Vulcans !

There's also a tendency to think that expressions of rage / violence are macho and acceptable but you can't dare say you're sad or just need a hug!

American society is much more extreme on this but we tend to take a lot of cultural cues from US media so, what happens there matters here too.

The main thing is you need to be able to talk openly about what's going on in your head. We're not evolved to operate in isolation. If there's no one to talk to, talk to a counsellor or ring one of the helplines but just open up about it.

http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/news/one-in-three-of-those-killed-in-car-crashes-had-no-seatbelt-on-31453081.html

until its understood how many men use the car to kill themselves statistics like this will be misunderstood

iptba wrote: »

(Article posted on September 7 I think)

Sounds like a good idea. When you consider nearly 80 percent of all suicides are by men its something thats needed in this country as well.