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Deal Breaker in a Relationship

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Smokers
    Drama Queens
    Religionists/Judgementalists


  • Registered Users Posts: 892 ✭✭✭mariebeth


    There's only two absolute out & out dealbreakers for me, and those are:

    - has to want children, I love children & I've always wanted to have a couple, so if a guy doesn't want children, there's no point in even going there, because I'm not going to try & change him and he's not going to succeed in changing what I want.

    - has to be open minded, in terms of religion, equality, race etc. I couldn't go out with someone who makes big sweeping judgements about people based on whether they have or haven't religious beliefs, or based on their gender & race, sexuality, etc.


  • Site Banned Posts: 116 ✭✭DERPY HOOFS


    Well personal hygeine is a must i dont want cheese growing on his manhood.


  • Registered Users Posts: 51,342 ✭✭✭✭That_Guy


    Well personal hygeine is a must i dont want cheese growing on his manhood.

    cereal-guy-spitting.png


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,264 ✭✭✭mood


    Well personal hygeine is a must.

    I was going to bring that up as well but I think it's a given that people want some hygienic as well as not think like violent, abusive, rude, cheater etc.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Deal breakers:

    Alcoholics
    Drug users
    Physically or emotionally abusive
    Poor hygiene
    Refuses to take responsibility for own health (physical and emotional)
    Laziness - I'm not looking for somebody on megabucks and life circumstances can drag people down or hold them back but even so people have to take responsibility for themselves and not sit on their backsides in the pub all the time

    That's it! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Moomoo1


    Smokers
    Drama Queens
    Religionists/Judgementalists

    couldn't handle a drama queen, really couldn't. Any blowing up of the most trivial things out of proportion makes me want to slip through a crack in the pavement.

    judgemental people drive me up the wall also, but then I would probably see that as a challenge and try to pull them up on it every single time...


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,960 ✭✭✭Moomoo1


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »

    The person has to care about politics and have the roughly the same political leanings as myself and I mean agree on the big stuff, not absolutely everything. I couldn't spend time with someone whose apathetic about what's going on around them. As Skunk Anansie said, "Everything's fooking political!!".


    Actually, I always wondered what it would be like to have an LTR with someone at the other side of the political spectrum.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭cynder


    When my fella moved in with me I gave him 2 rules,

    1st never hit me. If he did I would throw him out.

    2nd never come home drunk. He has done a few times which it acceptable but around the time he moved in he was at college and enjoyed the college life however because we had a young child I didn't want her to see anyone drunk, my dad was an alcoholic who beat us and my mother. I don't want that for us and our kids.

    If his planning on a good night out he stays at his mates house, in the last 10 years his come home drunk at max 8 times.

    If he ever cheated on my I could forgive him once but not twice.

    We are together now nearly 15 years.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,265 ✭✭✭SugarHigh


    When my fella moved in with me I gave him 2 rules,

    1st never hit me. If he did I would throw him out.
    If someone felt I needed to be told this I'd probably dump them. It's really offensive.

    2nd never come home drunk.
    Surely it's his house as well?
    I understand you have issues with drink from your childhood but it's hardly fair to lump them on your OH. Does he make any demands about how you act in your house?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Northclare


    One time I was drunk and performed a sketch in front of my exe of a guy coming home to his gf or wife late, with a cold curry chip.

    3 year's later we were living in Edinburgh and I arrived home with yep the cold curry chip.

    She ****ed them at me.

    LOL we didn't last too long that was the last straw or should I say chip.

    :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 407 ✭✭LLU


    jaysus what is it with the whole not wanting kids thing? lots of us dont want kids right now cos we're not ready but that's a whole different ball game to not wanting kids in general. Look beyond the now ffs. Looks like the GC bloodline could be fading out in the next few years.

    Anyway my deal breaker is someone who:
    - doesn't have good manners
    - does drugs
    - is self centred
    - uses bad language excessively. lots of people swear, myself included, but no need to do it all the time or in all places.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,762 ✭✭✭✭stupidusername


    LLU wrote: »
    jaysus what is it with the whole not wanting kids thing? lots of us dont want kids right now cos we're not ready but that's a whole different ball game to not wanting kids in general. Look beyond the now ffs.

    It is possible to make a decision about not wanting children at all. I don't want them, I'm 28 and I've made that decision. and clearly it's too big a difference to ignore when you're in a serious relationship with someone, hence dealbreaker.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    SugarHigh wrote: »
    If someone felt I needed to be told this I'd probably dump them. It's really offensive.

    Not singling out this post in particular, I get what you're saying and everything, but the amount of times I've read this type of thing on boards...it leads me to think that either people are massively exaggerating or 90% of boardsies are incapable of any kind of long-term commitment. I certainly hope that, if you were being deliberately facetious, nobody else reads it and thinks, "Yeah...you know what, you're right!"

    To suggest that you'd dump someone over a comment like that is ridiculous!

    If you're with someone over a long enough period of time, stuff like that is mentioned in passing all the time! I mean, a content girlfriend wouldn't sit down and have a 2-hour, serious conversation lecturing a fella who's never shown any signs of domestic violence. But almost every self-respecting woman, I'd imagine, would at least mention in passing that it's something they would never tolerate. Just to be sensible and safe!

    I call that stage of the relationship the 'Terms & Conditions' stage: when you both realise it's going somewhere and start regularly talking about what you ultimately want/don't want in a partner. Saying that you'd like a child eventually =/ saying that you want a child now. In the same light, saying that you wouldn't accept domestic violence =/ thinking the person 'needs' to be warned or accusing them of being that type of person. It's simply letting them know that you won't be walked over. That's mature. That's sensible. That's building the foundation of a good relationship.

    I know we live in Ireland where we'd rather live a lifetime in disgruntled, suppressed silence rather than going to any 'bother' by raising important issues that could disturb the peace. But that doesn't mean it's the right way to be.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,382 ✭✭✭✭cson


    LLU wrote: »
    jaysus what is it with the whole not wanting kids thing? lots of us dont want kids right now cos we're not ready but that's a whole different ball game to not wanting kids in general. Look beyond the now ffs. Looks like the GC bloodline could be fading out in the next few years

    Its a huge decision to have kids. Probably the biggest decision of anyone's life is to decide to bring a new life into this world. Some people don't want that responsibility. That's there choice, here and now or into the future.

    If the majority of people gave as much thought to having children as has been displayed in this thread the world would be a much better place imo.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,762 ✭✭✭✭stupidusername


    leggo wrote: »
    But almost every self-respecting woman, I'd imagine, would at least mention in passing that it's something they would never tolerate. Just to be sensible and safe!
    ....... It's simply letting them know that you won't be walked over. That's mature. That's sensible. That's building the foundation of a good relationship.

    WTF?

    If you feel the need to mention this, then you have either a serious trust issue with your partner, or have past issues with violence (as brought up by the original poster on this). I am sensible and safe, but if it takes mentioning that I wouldn't put up with being hit for him to know this, well I wouldn't want to be with him!

    I don't know that I'd dump someone for feeling they need to tell me that, but you're wrong to assume any self respecting woman brings it up just to be 'safe'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    This is getting blown out of proportion, which was exactly my problem to begin with, with the comment that you should 'immediately dump' someone for saying this.

    Again, I'm not talking about sitting someone down and giving them a full written warning, but I don't believe for a second that you've never said to someone you've been dating that if a man were to lay his hands on you then he'd be out the door. In passing, if not directly pulling them up on it or warning them. The same way that we say we wouldn't accept being cheated on etc. Not because you're saying that you suspect them of anything, but because conversations like this are simply how we get to know people.

    We all do this kind of stuff. It's basic relationship 101. So much so that it doesn't even need to be brought up, much less made a 'dump-able offence'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,762 ✭✭✭✭stupidusername


    I'd be interested to hear from other girls on that so, because no, I don't recall ever 'mentioning' to a boyfriend that if he ever hit me he'd be gone. that and cheating would probably be the two biggest things that I'd (like to) think anyone would know would be dealbreakers.

    I mean, I get talking about other things that are important to an individual, for instance lying is my thing, the smallest lie about anything takes away from my trust in someone. and so that would come up in bits here or there. but cheating and abuse, no, what kind of person would you be if you needed to tell someone that. [excluding the original person who would have experience of it in the past]


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 684 ✭✭✭Polloloca


    Would it not be a given that should he hit you he'd be gone? I would hope that its a given in all relationships. Should I hit him, I would expect to be dumped too.

    I personally wouldn't feel the need to bring that up in a relationship, as I would hope he liked me enough or had enough respect for me that he wouldn't harm me. And, of course, it goes without saying, I would be pretty offended if he said to me "Polloloca, if you ever hit me, we're finished." I mean, if he thought i was capable of that, clearly we are not compatible.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,698 ✭✭✭✭Princess Peach


    Polloloca wrote: »
    Would it not be a given that should he hit you he'd be gone? I would hope that its a given in all relationships. Should I hit him, I would expect to be dumped too.

    I personally wouldn't feel the need to bring that up in a relationship, as I would hope he liked me enough or had enough respect for me that he wouldn't harm me. And, of course, it goes without saying, I would be pretty offended if he said to me "Polloloca, if you ever hit me, we're finished." I mean, if he thought i was capable of that, clearly we are not compatible.

    I have brought it up before. I guess its cause I have a history of it and its a touchy subject with me, maybe its just to reassure myself really. Looking back on it, I guess it was pretty rude and uncalled for but its just where my head was any time I said it. I guess instead of getting offended if you were asked it, maybe ask the girl why she is asking?

    And sadly its not a deal breaker in all relationships.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭cynder


    It wasnt a deal breaker in my moms relationship, i watched her have her head smashed against the wall one day and everything was hunky dorey the next.

    I was 17 when i first met my fella (19 when i had our child) I dont ever for a moment think he would hit me. But that was my deal breaker, for my mother is wasnt she put up with it for years LIKE MANY OTHER WOMEN DO.

    AS for laying down the law regarding alcohol, HE moved into my place, That was my rule for my house. Years down the line we bought a house together. I would not tollerate my husband gettting drunk twice a week. Just as he wouldn't. Would not tollerate me getting drunk twice a week,


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    I'd be interested to hear from other girls on that so, because no, I don't recall ever 'mentioning' to a boyfriend that if he ever hit me he'd be gone. that and cheating would probably be the two biggest things that I'd (like to) think anyone would know would be dealbreakers.

    I mean, I get talking about other things that are important to an individual, for instance lying is my thing, the smallest lie about anything takes away from my trust in someone. and so that would come up in bits here or there. but cheating and abuse, no, what kind of person would you be if you needed to tell someone that. [excluding the original person who would have experience of it in the past]

    Here's a sample:

    "Did you hear Rihanna recorded a new song with Chris Brown?"
    "No way, really? I think it's disgraceful if she goes back to him. If a bloke ever hit me, I'd make sure he never even saw me again. I definitely would never get back with him."


    Boom, you've had the conversation. Not because you 'needed' to. You haven't had a big sit-down conversation either. Just because people talk about things when they spend enough time together and it comes up.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,207 ✭✭✭longhalloween


    I have 2 mega bug bears:

    I was in a relationship with a girl who would text about 7 million times a day (the girl would go through 20 euro credit in a few hours) and if I didn't reply within a minute I would either get another text or I "didn't care enough about her".

    Receive text.

    2 minutes later receive same text again.

    2 minutes later receive another text, apologising for the second text but still looking for a reply to the previous two texts.

    2 minutes later get a phone call "Are you alright? I thought something might have happened to you?!"

    Thank god she's a distant memory now.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,886 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    Moomoo1 wrote: »
    Actually, I always wondered what it would be like to have an LTR with someone at the other side of the political spectrum.


    I wouldn't know. Everyone I've ever gone out with felt the same as me on the big stuff. I'd usually "check" that kind of thing very early on to check. Myself and my current fella had "the talk" on our first date and I immediately fancied him more. It's an aphrodesiac for me to click on that level. Strange...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    SugarHigh wrote: »
    If someone felt I needed to be told this I'd probably dump them. It's really offensive.

    Surely it's his house as well?
    I understand you have issues with drink from your childhood but it's hardly fair to lump them on your OH. Does he make any demands about how you act in your house?

    Grind your axe somewhere else SugarHigh.

    This is not a debate thread so leave it out.

    Everyone else,back on topic.


  • Registered Users Posts: 716 ✭✭✭Reesy


    PlainP wrote: »

    No seriously though I don't think you should go into a relationship with a list of what aspects you want or don't want in a person. If you like someone you spend some time with them and this way you find out what they are like and if you don't like them you obviously leave.

    Going into something with preconceived ideas means you could be missing out on some of the best experiences of your life.

    +1


  • Registered Users Posts: 482 ✭✭darklighter


    Instant Dealbreakers:

    Smoker
    Druggie
    No brains (she doesnt have to be a Nobel Prize winning Physicist or anything but a few braincells isnt much to ask for)
    Racist/Bigot/Homophobe etc

    After that, anything goes.

    Am I been too picky??


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Drugs, smoking, drinking to excess, racist/homophobic traits etc, criminal activity

    I could go on :D I'm in my 30's now and I know exactly the kind of person I would want to be with, its good to have standards but equally important not to set the bar so high no one will ever reach it. I am with my husband 16 yrs and we both have traits that drive the other mad but sometimes I think its only when you are actually living with someone that those things come out. You can find a way to work around them though.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 684 ✭✭✭Polloloca


    Dealbreakers for me (from my online dating experience)
    - Must must must must must not be married. I don't care that she won't sleep with you, leave me alone.
    - Into taking drugs or with the attitude of "the guards are scum" or of similiar mindset.
    - I'd prefer a non smoker.
    - I don't mind if someone has kids, but when they have 3 kids with 3 different women, it shows they are immature.
    - I guess some sort of maturity.

    Also on the note of "wants kids" on the pof profile... I want kids, in the future, and have it on my profile as "undecided and open" purely because I don't want to terrify some 24 year old into thinking I want a serious relationship and kids, straight away. Because I don't. So, if a man has "undecided/open" on his profile, it isn't an issue, however if there's "does not want kids" on his profile, I don't write back purely because should it become something serious (by chance) I don't want to end up heartbroken and choosing between a relationship and a child. At least with "undecided/open" there is room there for conversation, and they aren't completely opposed to the idea should things get so serious.

    Did that make any sense at all? I apologise for my ramblings but i am currently dosed up on cold medicine haha.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Well would not be into smokers, drug takers and people who are overweight, unhappy about it but will do nothing to sort it. Also could not cope with someone who chomps their food or has bad habits like farting etc.

    Would not like someone lazy either.


This discussion has been closed.
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