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So I know my son is gay and I need some advice.

  • 29-06-2014 3:27pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 127 ✭✭DeeAvery


    Okay to cut a long story short I know my son is gay. He has never come out or said anything about it but I’ve been suspecting since he was 3 years old. It was based on stereotypes then but I’ve read and googled a lot since then and learned a lot and talked to parents and LGBT people so I’m now basing my suspicions on things like the fact he had a topless picture as Chris Evans as his laptops wallpaper or the fact we had a fight during the week that he had to be home by 8pm after Pride. He was pretty angry but Dublin city centre on a Saturday night that is also a day like Pride or St. Patricks day or whatever isn’t a safe place for a 16 year old.

    Anyway my problem is one of his close friends. They have been really close since they met in first year but I’m concerned they are now more than just good friends. They spend so much time together and maybe I’m just being paranoid but there is something in their body language and the way they talk to each other that has triggered my suspicion. They hug, touch each other and put their arms around each other but if you saw two straight friends acting the same way it wouldn’t seem out of place. With them though it seems to be something different, something more. I’ve no idea if his friend is gay too. I’d never ask or tell his parents or anything because it’s his prerogative. If he’s not out I can’t be opening that kettle of fish.

    It’s not that my son can’t date anyone but I’m concerned about the fact weather he’s dating someone safely. Since I don’t know the full story or who he’s with or where he’s going it or what he’s doing just is just frightening to me you know. What I mean is let’s say if he is with his friend and they have a fight or break up, or worse someone he’s dating hurts him in some way and he can’t tell me or I can’t help him because I’m not supposed to know he’s gay. I also worry about whether he’s having sex safely, that he understands consent and contraception and STD’s etc. I don’t think he should be having sex at 16 but if he is he is and I just hope that when he does have sex or if he already is that it is consensual and safe. I keep thinking about giving him a more detailed sex talk but I’m afraid it’ll be too close for comfort since he’s in the closet and sex talks are pretty awkward as it is.

    However another thing is I would never let his sister have a sleep over with a boy or his brother with a girl in which they sleep in the same room. So I get concerned when his friend sleeps over. Even if they are boyfriends I’d still let him stay over but in the guest room, just like I would if this was with my other kids.

    It’s frustrating because I know I have a responsibility to make sure my son is safe, happy and healthy yet I feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know I have to wait until he is ready to come out, I don’t have a choice in that. It’s his live, his choice. Still that doesn’t stop me being terrified.

    Any insight into any of this?


Comments

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,126 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    To be honest i think your concerns are very real for you however they are also very normal and i think every parent who has a 16 year old in the country will tell you they share the same concerns about their 16 year olds too. There is little you can do apart from letting your son know in a subtle way that you are an open minded person and don't care about peoples sexuality and believe in equality etc. if your son knows he does not need to fear your reaction then he will come out sooner rather than later.

    All the other things you just have to let go , unfortunately thats one of the hard parts of being a mother, letting your child grow up and hoping they dont make too many mistakes while doing so. There is little you can do other than let him know you are there for him and support him no matter what


  • Registered Users Posts: 40,538 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Contact Loving Our Out Kids for advice

    http://www.belongto.org/group.aspx?sectionid=7121

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭Howshocowpownw


    Don't worry you're not to 《snip》

    MOD Note - poster banned for trolling


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,851 ✭✭✭✭hotmail.com


    Have you tried talking to him?


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 21,934 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    OP, irrespective of my significant doubts about your story, it seems to me like your son has not given you any cause for concern other than stereotypical and anecdotal 'evidence' about his sexuality, I'm also not surprised he was not overly pleased about an 8pm curfew on a Saturday night.

    Communication is the only way you will get over your anxiety about the situation, without being confrontational you should let your son know that he can come to you with personal issues and that you will be receptive to anything he wants to tell you. Being particularly close to and affectionate with a male friend isn't an indicator of anything and could be entirely normal in the context of their friendship.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,629 ✭✭✭Hunchback


    You sound like a good Dad, just thought I'd throw that in there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    OP, if you want to do right bi your kid you shouldn't treat him any different if he's gay or straight.

    That means you should deal with his (potential) adult relationships the same way you would if he was straight. Have an honest but unisex talk about sex. Since coming out out can be a very big deal for gay teens don't let him know your suspicions but have a conversations which covers all bases (straight or gay) and which makes it clear to him you will support and love him either way.

    As for him having sex, I was initially going to tell you to try and stop him if you thought he wasn't old enough. But I'm sure you know from your own youth that ultimately there's no stopping him. The best you can do is ensure he knows about safe sex (educate yourself on gay sex before you talk to him). If you suspect he's sexually active you'd be better served buying him condoms and lube than telling him what not to do. Because ultimately he'll still have sex if he really wants so it's better than the learns early to protect himself while doing so.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    As a parent of a bi child I would echo those who say just ask him. I wouldn't tip toe around him because you think he might be gay. You don't have to make a big deal of it, just a casual talk will do. You can make the focus the issue of physical relationships under your roof rather than his sexuality but keep stressing that you love and support him no matter what and that you will be discreet especially regarding the other lad and his privacy. My daughter didn't come out to me, I twigged it and asked her and I think that took the pressure off her in a way that she didn't have to have the talk with me so it might help your boy for you to take the lead on it. Good luck, dealing with the implications of teenage relationships is tough for a parent no matter what sexuality your child is.




  • DeeAvery wrote: »
    Any insight into any of this?

    The only thing that strikes me is that nothing you just wrote about has anything whatsoever to do with the sex OR sexuality of your child.

    The fears and worries you describe seem - to me - to be the same as the parents of hetereosexual children too.

    Perhaps you need to seperate your sons sexuality in your mind from actual sex and realise that most of the advice and support you can give to him are gender and sexuality neutral entirely.

    As is being the kind of parent who over time simply works on being approchable in general and generally known to be easy to communicate with. On all topics - not just sexual.

    I am somewhat curious how you come to have a son - with a brother - and a sister - given you wrote a post on the 26th of April saying "This is my first relationship and first everything so I'm quite new to all of this". I have clearly missed some kind of development in the interim? Are these STEP children you are talking about or am I dumbly missing something else entirely?


  • Registered Users Posts: 957 ✭✭✭NewCorkLad


    Can you please explain to me how a 21 year old has 3 kids, with 1 of them being 16, because that is just impressive.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,629 ✭✭✭Hunchback


    NewCorkLad wrote: »
    Can you please explain to me how a 21 year old has 3 kids, with 1 of them being 16, because that is just impressive.

    Not a peep out of the OP in response. Well that IS disappointing


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