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Lyrics feedback?

  • 12-05-2014 4:17pm
    #1
    seachto7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,863 ✭✭✭


    I'm not much of a lyrics guy, so would be interested in what folk think of this:

    Don’t put yourself in harms way
    Live to fight another day
    Head down, chin up, that’s okay
    There’s bombs raining on your parade today
    But I’m climbing up the walls
    Making sure not to fall
    I don’t know any other way
    Emphatic weakness, is ruling the day

    This town is getting me down
    The sounds are all around
    The vultures are circling around
    The rats, the rats are above ground
    Now don’t get me wrong
    I hear they’re having more fun, in the next town along
    So what must we do today
    To save ourselves from boredom,from fading away

    Gather your things, it’s time to go to ground
    I have a sinking feeling that this ship is going down
    There’s way out by the rubble and the river at the edge of town


Comments

  • #2
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    seachto7 wrote: »
    I'm not much of a lyrics guy, so would be interested in what folk think of this:

    Don’t put yourself in harms way
    Live to fight another day
    Head down, chin up, that’s okay
    There’s bombs raining on your parade today
    But I’m climbing up the walls
    Making sure not to fall
    I don’t know any other way
    Emphatic weakness, is ruling the day

    This town is getting me down
    The sounds are all around
    The vultures are circling around
    The rats, the rats are above ground
    Now don’t get me wrong
    I hear they’re having more fun, in the next town along
    So what must we do today
    To save ourselves from boredom,from fading away

    Gather your things, it’s time to go to ground
    I have a sinking feeling that this ship is going down
    There’s way out by the rubble and the river at the edge of town

    Good job, I'd like to see it attached to a song. I suppose my only criticism of it, is that there is a heavy reliance on the 'ay' sound in your rhyming. Often, I find reversing the flow of the sentence can work, such as:

    'Today, what must we do?'

    I liked it, though. Keep it up. :)


  • #3
    seachto7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,863 ✭✭✭seachto7


    Cheers! While I have contributed musically to a lot of stuff over the years, lyrics is the one area I have neglected, so I'm paranoid about them.

    Hmmm, will look at them and refine, and maybe get a demo up soon.


  • #4
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    seachto7 wrote: »
    Cheers! While I have contributed musically to a lot of stuff over the years, lyrics is the one area I have neglected, so I'm paranoid about them.

    Hmmm, will look at them and refine, and maybe get a demo up soon.

    I'm exactly the same. Music comes easy, lyrics don't. But that trick of changing the words around does help a lot. And practice, practice, practice.


  • #5
    dogmax
    Closed Accounts Posts: 158 ✭✭dogmax


    Nice lyrics and everything sound like it flows well but if you're looking for a chorus then maybe this but its up to you, just thought reading it with a chorus give it that my home (change) town feel to it, just a thought.

    Don’t put yourself in harms way
    Live to fight another day
    Head down, chin up, that’s okay
    There’s bombs raining on your parade today
    But I’m climbing up the walls
    Making sure not to fall
    I don’t know any other way
    Emphatic weakness, is ruling the day

    Chorus

    This town is getting me down
    The sounds are all around
    The vultures are circling around
    The rats, the rats are above ground


    Now don’t get me wrong
    I hear they’re having more fun, in the next town along
    So what must we do today
    To save ourselves from boredom,from fading away
    Gather your things, it’s time to go to ground
    I have a sinking feeling that this ship is going down
    There’s way out by the rubble
    To the river at the edge of town

    Chorus

    This town is getting me down
    The sounds are all around
    The vultures are circling around
    The rats, the rats are above ground

    There’s way out by the rubble
    To the river at the edge of town


  • #6
    migemo
    Registered Users Posts: 99 ✭✭migemo


    Hi. Just wondering if posting your lyrics on Boards.ie would be as good as copywriting them? Or would Boards.ie have a claim on them?


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  • #7
    seachto7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,863 ✭✭✭seachto7


    Good question....

    and thanks for the feedback earlier folks.:cool:


  • #8
    seachto7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,863 ✭✭✭seachto7


    I kind of went at these again and not sure how these ones would seem to y'all:

    We're somewhat out of tune
    Our legacy is in ruins
    I used the hip flask defence
    It never really makes much sense

    And so we beat on
    Against the current, looking for that perfect storm
    It's a dream you need to realise
    Could pass you by, right before your eyes

    Looking out over the sprawl
    You're wondering was it worth it all
    Beyond the city down by the sea
    You breathe it in, breathe in what it is to be

    This town is getting me down
    Our hopes discarded on the ground
    The vultures are circling around
    The rats, the rats are above ground

    Not sure about a chorus yet...


  • #9
    sephsleft06
    Registered Users Posts: 103 ✭✭sephsleft06


    I'd say for first line: ''We're Out of Tune''

    it's more forcefull, direct, engaging....

    than ''somewhat out of tune''.....(omit the needless word)

    and the first line of the Verse should be strong.....


    It's good...
    Should you work on a clearly defined chorus?
    with a different rhyme scheme and different length..


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