Single at 30+

cantdecide · 10-09-2012 11:14am #1

You will read threads elsewhere in PI and other places about people who find themselves 30+ and being alone and loving it or alone and miserable. Some are from embarrassed unregistered posters and others are more open about their feelings, positive and negative.

What are your thoughts, gentlemen of tgc?

Dravokivich · 10-09-2012 11:46am

There can be very different types of people split from the:

1- Alone and loving it.
2- Alone and miserable camp.

Alone and miserable, I'd of had more experience in myself. Actually, the issue there is usually with the lack of any significant experience other than being alone itself.

riveratom · 10-09-2012 11:52am

I am mystified as to why someone would be embarrassed about being single, regardless of whether you are 25 or 55. I guess if your self-worth is largely dependent on being 'with someone', then I can see how.

I've been single pretty much all my life, years ago it did bother me and I really, really wanted to be with someone. Now, it's pretty much the complete opposite. Not in the sense that I don't want to be with someone, but in that I am very comfortable being single, I am enjoying dating on a regular basis (once a week or every second week), and getting to know different people and their unique personalities.

There is pressure on everyone to get 'matched up' with someone, settle down, get married. That is a societal pressure and one that you don't have to go along with or succumb to!

I do think it's easier for us guys though. If a bloke is single into his 30s and even beyond, then he is usually seen as just playing the field, enjoying himself and being a bit of a lad who maybe finds it hard to settle. Whereas a woman generally doesn't get that kind of leeway at all.

cantdecide · 10-09-2012 8:16pm

You can see that both men and women have different viewpoints depending on where they are in life, they're 'baggage' and their own ability to deal with loneliness and related feelings in general. The advice often dispensed here on Boards is join clubs, work on yourself and come to terms with your singledom (whether acute or chronic) and you shouldn't depend on another to make you happy.

I suppose what I'm wondering if men of a certain age find it difficult to come to terms with it? If those morose feelings of loneliness come to the surface, frequently or rarely and whether there are guys out there living the bachelorhood 'dream'. Will they feel the need to put on a brave face or will they admit to their situation getting them down?

I can only speak for myself and I can say I've spent the overwhelming majority of my life single, not enjoying this fact and trying to avoid wishing my life away trying to rectify my situation. I have come to terms with it largely but since I turned 30, I'm really beginning to wonder if I should have been doing things differently. I'm wondering at what stage one should admit defeat.

Are there any factors unique to the menfolk in this situation?

Varied · 10-09-2012 10:46pm

I realised recently that I'm better off single, started getting serious with a girl and freaked a bit at getting into another serious relationship. Still pretty raw after my last relationship coupled with only getting a taste of the single life.

Best thing you can do is go out and get some hobbies, look after yourself, itll work itself out.

karaokeman · 10-09-2012 11:37pm

Think it mainly happens to people who become socially isolated, people who refuse to go out with friends because of shyness etc.

As a guy I find its harder because we have pressure to ask a girl out, girls don't seem to have that as much.

I been single for pretty much all my life, and never went out much until last year when I started college. I'm happy I've made that jump and even though I haven't had a girlfriend yet, I'm looking forward to future outings with my group, because I know I need to keep this up to make myself happy.

I find it tough being single for most of the time, but if you have a good group of friends, who ask you to come out and you do the same it eases the pain a bit. Hopefully soon when we all get jobs and are all able to socialise as much as we can, we'll spend all our time going out, meeting new people and I'll just meet someone when I least expect it too.

I always refer to the film Yes Man in discussions like this, if you don't go out with friends you won't be happy there's no two ways about it.

supermouse · 11-09-2012 12:31am

It's a funny debate this one. I'm currently 27, single and living in New Zealand. My NZ friends are predominately single, and except 2 couples, the rest of us have no desire to settle down just yet. We’re still building our careers, saving for homes, saving to go travel, basically just having a good time in our 20’s.

However, my irish friends are mostly settled, except 2 girls. And I constantly get the ‘’well, any romance’’ emails from my aunts and other relatives back home. I do feel it's a bigger deal for irish people than the Kiwi’s that I know here. IMO whilst Kiwis are quite family oriented and the Kiwi’s I know are very close to their families, they are a very laid back bunch. They tend to not stress and sweat the small things and as long as they’re happy in themselves then they’re content. I know that’s a sweeping generalisation and it is only based on my own friends, but it's funny to see how different people have different priorities.

In saying all of that, I do sometimes think ‘’flaming Nora im gonna be on the shelf forever’’ but im not panicking just yet. Im having mighty craic, going on completely inappropriate dates, taking way too much care of myself and letting loose. If it's meant to be it will be, if not then I’ll just continue having the craic

Galwayguy35 · 11-09-2012 1:29am

I'm a single man of 37, I have been single for about 2 years now and I am quite happy to be on my own for now.

Having said that yeah I would like to meet someone and have a family in the next few years but I don't wake up every morning worrying about it.

Fenian Army · 11-09-2012 2:12am

Friend of mine in his thirties is single and he loves it - says being that age and being successful (well relatively so, decent job etc) and having no "baggage" (ie kids) he has a much better time with the ladies than he did at my age (early twenties) because women at his age are "done with dickheads".

Reckon there's truth in that?

cyrusdvirus · 11-09-2012 10:37am

There are times that being single kinda bothers me, and i'm 37 in a few weeks.

Then again, given the way my last couple of relationships went, there are times that i'm almost grateful to be single.

I have my own house (translation, i'm a slave to the mortgage!!

) , decent job, very good friends....... but all of my close friends are married, and most of them have kids, and there are times that i wonder what have i missed out on.

i suppose with me, it really depends on the day of the week as to whether or not it bothers me!!

Sometimes, it does... other times it doesn't.

Colonel Panic · 11-09-2012 11:58am

I'm single a few months after a three year relationship and overall I think it's for the best for now. I'm not looking for someone but if I met them along the way I would be okay with that.

That said, after living with someone for two years, being alone is pretty hard to deal with. I was talking to her about this last night and she gets the same thing. I wonder if that's why so many incompatible people stay together?

krudler · 11-09-2012 12:34pm

I'm 31 and single, been single for just over 2 years, and I love it, guess for guys we dont have the biological clock thing like women do so there's not as much of a rush, even though i'm in my 30s I still think of kids and marriage (not sure I ever want either as well) as years and years away.

Dravokivich · 11-09-2012 1:26pm

I think what a lot of people here with the "Single and loving it" are forgetting about is from the perspective of someone who's never been with someone before. It's not about a biological clock. There is a personal issue also with a lack of sexual and intimate development. It can be a very hard thing to break from. I had issues with it myself.

SuperInfinity · 11-09-2012 9:42pm

A man has until he's 45 or 50 at least right? It doesn't have to be in his 20s or even his 30s, right?

>_>

Wibbs · 11-09-2012 11:35pm

Dravokivich wrote: »

I think what a lot of people here with the "Single and loving it" are forgetting about is from the perspective of someone who's never been with someone before. It's not about a biological clock. There is a personal issue also with a lack of sexual and intimate development. It can be a very hard thing to break from. I had issues with it myself.

That's certainly something that makes a difference alright. Big diff between a guy who's had a few relationships in his 20's and is maybe looking for a bit of breathing space and a guy who's never had a relationship. The former feels it's his choice, the latter is naturally gonna feel he may have no choice and feel "left on the shelf". Defo two separate groups of men "single at 30+".

I'd have fallen into the former type guy so my 30's weren't such a big deal on that score. Plus the male members of my family tended to get married late, in their 40's and beyond(my dad was 50), so my 30's didn't feel "rushed" in that respect. Actually in my early 30's it was largely a time for non committal and didn't get into a real long termer until I was 37. That went south as things will, with all the emotional fallout that comes with that, so after that I was(and am) in no rush to go down that road again.

As for being happy being single? It depended on the time and context. Sometimes I was and sometimes I wasn't. Observing too many of my contemporaries long termer situations I was more happy than not TBH. That said growing up as an only child in a fairly familially isolated situation I recognise that I'm more comfortable than many being single(I'm so not good at the domestic/familial stuff at all. Feels odd to me). For someone who grows up in a close knit extended family of brothers and sisters and cousins and all that I can well see how being single would feel pretty bad.

cyrusdvirus · 12-09-2012 7:33am

Wibbs wrote: »

That's certainly something that makes a difference alright. Big diff between a guy who's had a few relationships in his 20's and is maybe looking for a bit of breathing space and a guy who's never had a relationship. The former feels it's his choice, the latter is naturally gonna feel he may have no choice and feel "left on the shelf". Defo two separate groups of men "single at 30+".

I'd have fallen into the former type guy so my 30's weren't such a big deal on that score. Plus the male members of my family tended to get married late, in their 40's and beyond(my dad was 50), so my 30's didn't feel "rushed" in that respect. Actually in my early 30's it was largely a time for non committal and didn't get into a real long termer until I was 37. That went south as things will, with all the emotional fallout that comes with that, so after that I was(and am) in no rush to go down that road again.

As for being happy being single? It depended on the time and context. Sometimes I was and sometimes I wasn't. Observing too many of my contemporaries long termer situations I was more happy than not TBH. That said growing up as an only child in a fairly familially isolated situation I recognise that I'm more comfortable than many being single(I'm so not good at the domestic/familial stuff at all. Feels odd to me). For someone who grows up in a close knit extended family of brothers and sisters and cousins and all that I can well see how being single would feel pretty bad.

Good post.

As i mentioned earlier, the birthday is coming up. I realised last night that i have been single for way WAAAAY more 'occasions' than i have been seeing someone.

And i think it is the likes of birthdays, Christmas, family events, that make being a single mid 30's bloke that bit more lonely.

stoppress · 14-09-2012 4:17pm

cantdecide wrote: »

You will read threads elsewhere in PI and other places about people who find themselves 30+ and being alone and loving it or alone and miserable. Some are from embarrassed unregistered posters and others are more open about their feelings, positive and negative.

What are your thoughts, gentlemen of tgc?

Well I am new here and for my first post I am going to come out and admit it. I'm alone and miserable as hell in the mid Atlantic.:p
To be honest though I am what's classified as loveshy [go on yahoo it... can't stand Google]
As folk here on boards well find out in due course I have plenty other probs but heck it makes my life interesting. :cool:
As for the OP, well hang in their... you may win the lotto some day soon and that well help.:)
Bless.

panda100 · 15-09-2012 10:21am

Dravokivich wrote: »

I think what a lot of people here with the "Single and loving it" are forgetting about is from the perspective of someone who's never been with someone before. It's not about a biological clock. There is a personal issue also with a lack of sexual and intimate development. It can be a very hard thing to break from. I had issues with it myself.

From a female perspective I can relate a lot to this post.

I had one relationship in my late teens, but have had no serious significant other for the last ten years. I am worried that I am completely retarded when it comes to my sexual,intimate and relationship development. It is a worry that If I do find someone, I will just have no clue as to what a relationship is about or how to initate one. I have been on a few internet dates, and some of the guys were nice. However, I'm not used to being physically close to someone, I just have no idea how to go from just chatting to someone to kissing someone. I think thats why most men I meet just remain in friends zone.

I am happy being single, and enjoy my own company, but for the reasons outlined by Dravokivich I am not hopeful for any serious relationship in my future.

cyrusdvirus · 15-09-2012 1:17pm

panda100 wrote: »

From a female perspective I can relate a lot to this post.

I had one relationship in my late teens, but have had no serious significant other for the last ten years. I am worried that I am completely retarded when it comes to my sexual,intimate and relationship development. It is a worry that If I do find someone, I will just have no clue as to what a relationship is about or how to initate one. I have been on a few internet dates, and some of the guys were nice. However, I'm not used to being physically close to someone, I just have no idea how to go from just chatting to someone to kissing someone. I think thats why most men I meet just remain in friends zone.

I am happy being single, and enjoy my own company, but for the reasons outlined by Dravokivich I am not hopeful for any serious relationship in my future.

If you do find someone, chances are it'll just feel right and all these worries will just disappear.

cantdecide · 15-09-2012 1:32pm

I've learned to be very independent over the years and I must admit giving up my independence to being a bit scary. It's kinda become a crutch. The other thing is that having never experienced a bad breakup personally but I've seen breakups devastate people who haven't spent a fraction of the time alone that I have and I think having invested emotionally in someone, would I be able to cope with a breakup having surrendered my precious independence? Personally, I feel like people in my position are putting more on the line than others.

The intimacy thing is a funny one too. I think the physical aspects plays a huge part in perpetuating my situation. The fact that most people 30+ are going to have expectations that you can't help but feel disadvantaged. Especially so with the drink/ pulling culture we have in Ireland.

I wonder about my own situation and I could state a ton of reasons, explantions, excuses and other musings but I mainly wonder is there a certain type or certain traits (or flaws?) that would lead to this in me and maybe similar traits in others too? I think I have a loop in my head that tries to convince me that my positive traits are what's keeping me single. My independence, my perceptiveness, my depth or what little intelligence God gave me but I'm starting to wonder if there are real reasons or is it all just bad luck and bad timing.

Ellsbells · 15-09-2012 2:04pm

I think meeting the one in your 30's or 40's is the best time to meet someone. I look at my friends who are with their husabnds for the guts of 20 years at this stage and I just think (rightly or wrongly) how boring it must be... I know its each to their own but the best thing about being single now is that the next romance is yet to come and isnt behind you.

stoppress · 15-09-2012 3:57pm

Its interesting reading the different views here about been single and alone.
I do not think their is anything odd or retarded about been on ones own as if relationships do not happen their is not much that can be done.
I have never been in any relationship at only in the passed year or so have come to accept I most likely well not be at any time now. This is something my therapist [yee in treatment] does not like me saying but it's the truth. Its not as though I'm ugly as hell, I just never found the right person.
By right I men some one who was available, yes I was in love ones years ago but it was never going to work even though she was unsure about her guy at the time.
Any how all I can say is to do ones best. If you are happy alone fine if you are not like me then that is something I guess a person has to deal with.

CastorTroy · 15-09-2012 4:30pm

31 here. First relationship at 29 that ended end of last year.(Just was never the outgoing type) So used to having loads of time to myself but now I do find myself thinking I miss having someone to do things with or talk to. But also I like time to myself, not that I'm a big socialiser or anything.

Piliger · 15-09-2012 4:42pm

Many who are single at 30+ are also sometimes divorced, like me and I am 50+ and recently divorced. That often brings other challenges, like losing long term friends, having to move to a new area, living on one's own or with a kid for the first. time. I have my 20yo son with me and it's tough to find new friends, to date and to find just old fashioned 'company'.
People get much less flexible and easy to get on with as we get older and this doesn't help. We get stuck in our ways and we like to live 'this' way or 'that' way. I think it also gets harder to meet new people because when we are in our teens and twenties pretty much everyone is free

I am looking to date, but even apart from that I would often just like to get out on a fri or sat evening for a drink and a chat or go to a gig or something. But I myself don't enjoy going places on my own.

duke916 · 15-09-2012 8:35pm

im 34, been single since i was 31 after a 5 year relationship which absolutely destroyed me. everything changed! as time passed, things (thankfully) have improved but since its been quite a while (the longest spell between relationships infact) since i was with someone else, the thought of feeling older and left on the shelf has imprinted itself in my head over the last few months i have to admit. i look around, i see couples together etc and wonder when it will (if ever again) happen to me. guess we all have our good and bad days like any other when it comes to feeling the need to be loved or wanting what we had before however, they say your next relationship is always much better than the one before or, whats for ya wont pass ya. Id like to think this way, but to be honest, its all crap and just another persons way of trying to make ya feel better.

in my opinion, stop worrying about it. i dont want to go through my life wondering what might have been. Like im 34, so if i worry til im 40 still and single, i'll be looking back and wondering why time went so fast and how i wasted all that time worrying over something that i had no control of. these things always happen when least expected. go out, do your thing and enjoy life. as hard as it is to do new things, or make new friends. its entirely up to you to take any opportunity of getting out with both hands and jumping in head first..

stoppress · 16-09-2012 12:45pm

I have to admit their comes a time when you hear folk saying stuff to make you feel better that when you hear it make you worse or angry.
Well as some one pushing 37 I think I can say its not going to happen for me now and that very much it.
What you never had you cant miss right.... I think.

goingpostal1 · 16-09-2012 2:24pm

I think if you are male and can make it to your thirties in this country childfree and with no marriage licence tied around your neck, like a hangmans noose ready to be yanked at any minute, you should be out celebrating every night of the week. "Settling down" is a euphemism that causes me to break out in a rash every time I hear it. There is no reason, I repeat, NO REASON, for a man in Ireland in 2012 to get married, or even be in a "relationship". You can get all the sex you want from all the desperate cows out there, and f**k 'em off out of it, when you get bored with them or they start whining too much. What is the point? And as for propagating your DNA, why bloody well bother?? If the scientists are to be believed (and why wouldn't you believe them?) this planet is going to be an uninhabitable furnace in 50 years. I am glad I won't be around to see it. And I have no intention of creating any being that will be around to see it either.

cyrusdvirus · 16-09-2012 2:31pm

goingpostal1 wrote: »

.

Bit of a bile filled post there. Did Palm and her five sisters dump you too?

goingpostal1 · 16-09-2012 2:34pm

gatecrash wrote: »

Bit of a bile filled post there. Did Palm and her five sisters dump you too?

Argumemtum ad hominem. Are you suggesting I can't control my hands? How am I typing this? With a choc-ice stick glued to my forehead? If I am wrong about anything I wrote, please be kind enough to point it out....

Panthro · 16-09-2012 3:05pm

goingpostal1, One week's holiday for referring to females as "desperate cows" and also for your general tone in this thread.
It happens again and the ban becomes permanent.
Panthro

cyrusdvirus · 16-09-2012 3:05pm

blankety blanked

Single at 30+

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