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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #2192
    Oman
    Registered Users Posts: 1,032 ✭✭✭Oman


    Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

    Because he was a w@nker


  • #2193
    13spanner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,006 ✭✭✭13spanner


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzHBszZn6uo


  • #2194
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Hi. I'm unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment, but if you leave a message,
    The News Of The World will email it to me later...

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #2195
    ivor dunne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7 ✭ivor dunne


    a dirty filthy rotten smelly tramp walks into really fancy expensive jewellery shop. he stands in middle of floor and slips his hand down the back of his trousers and begins to scratch his arse furiously. the manager immediately sees him and shouts" hey get out of here you filthy bas** rd" . . to which the tramp replys " i have no intention of leaving cos you have a sign outside which reads * come in and pick your ring in comfort*


  • #2196
    DJCR
    Registered Users Posts: 986 ✭✭✭DJCR


    What do you call a Fly without wings?
    A Walk


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  • #2197
    rusty_racer94
    Registered Users Posts: 866 ✭✭✭rusty_racer94


    What happened to the Jew who walked into a wall with a B*ner?
    He Broke His Nose.


  • #2198
    Booms
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭Booms


    Kid arrives home from a walk in the park with his dad, and says:" Ma, Ma, we saw a flat dog, but It's okay, another dog was pumping it up!"


  • #2199
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Vodka and ice ruins your kidneys. Rum and ice ruins your liver. Whiskey and ice ruins your heart. Gin and ice ruins your brain. Coca Cola and ice ruins your teeth.
    For God's sakes, stay away from ice! Ice is DEADLY!!!!
    Warn everyone that you can...


  • #2200
    EggsAckley
    Registered Users Posts: 145 ✭✭EggsAckley


    I've been reading Osteopathy magazine for years. I have lots of back issues


  • #2201
    Shiner11
    Registered Users Posts: 148 ✭✭Shiner11


    Patient, "Doctor Doctor, I can't stop dancing!"
    Doctor, "It looks like dance fever"
    *ha ha ha*
    Doctor, "Its fatal"


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  • #2202
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,333 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    What goes up the road, down the road, but never actually touches the road?
    Cork County Council


  • #2203
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just seen a picture of Brad Pitt with his son Shiloh.





    I thought.. that boy is a Spoonerism waiting to happen.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #2204
    beefjerky
    Registered Users Posts: 308 ✭✭beefjerky


    What do you call an Irishman holding 2 big panes of glass?

    Paddy O'Doors.


  • #2205
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,657 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What do you call an Irishwoman sitting outside your back door ?

    Patty O'Chair


  • #2206
    Richard Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭Richard Cranium


    PaddyW wrote: »
    Just for back from competing in the Blindfolded World **** Championships.

    I've no idea where I came.

    A man with no arms entered a **** contest.
    He didn't come anywhere.



    How did the hipster burn his mouth?
    He ate pizza before it was cool.


  • #2207
    MitchKoobski
    Registered Users Posts: 6,101 ✭✭✭MitchKoobski


    From a friend of mine:

    "RIP Amy Winehouse. A woman whose surname was also a nickname for her liver."


  • #2208
    JackN688
    Closed Accounts Posts: 85 ✭✭JackN688


    I was sitting in traffic the other day..and i got run over



    Its hard to say what my wife does...................................she sells sea shells by the sea shore



    I've got some Scottish blood.....On a kitchen knife at home



    Got a book coming out soon.... shouldn't have ate it really.!



    yeh and old grandmas wih blankets over their legs , i dont think so retired murmaids !!



    about a month before he died my grandmother smothered my grandads back in lard after that he went downhill very quickly



    "To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run"


  • #2209
    BaZmO*
    Registered Users Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    I got one of those wind up radios. Turned it on and it said, 'you're fat and ugly and your family hate you!'


  • #2210
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Every morning I wake up thinking today is going to be the best day of my life.












    And then my wife wakes up.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #2211
    rusty_racer94
    Registered Users Posts: 866 ✭✭✭rusty_racer94


    Q: What do you call a monkey in a Minefield?
    A: A Baboom!


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  • #2212
    Sparks43
    Registered Users Posts: 4,056 ✭✭✭Sparks43


    Q: What does Amy Winehouse have in common with Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain?

    A:
    Nothing, they were all talented musicians


  • #2213
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    Im sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

    I tried it once and I killed a cyclist


  • #2214
    D_murph
    Registered Users Posts: 773 ✭✭✭D_murph


    Rupert Murdoch has said that he was touched by some of the messages left on Amy Winehouses phone.

    Elton John sang a song at the funeral. The title was, "Candle under a spoon".


  • #2215
    wreckless
    Registered Users Posts: 702 ✭✭✭wreckless


    Somebody complimented my wife on her parking today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' She was so proud.


  • #2216
    Thomas828
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭Thomas828


    Early in his career Houdini made frequent use of trap doors in his performances, but it was just a stage he was going through.


  • #2217
    Insect Overlord
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,850 Mod ✭✭✭✭Insect Overlord


    The average human being has one fallopian tube.


  • #2218
    rusty_racer94
    Registered Users Posts: 866 ✭✭✭rusty_racer94


    Son: I'll marry Granny.
    Dad: Why?
    Son: Coz you married my mom!


  • #2219
    rusty_racer94
    Registered Users Posts: 866 ✭✭✭rusty_racer94


    An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Well, it might if you throw it hard enough.


  • #2220
    HornyDevil
    Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭HornyDevil


    I said to the doctor, "Every time I sneeze I get a massive erection".

    He replied, "Are you taking anything for it?".

    "Yes", I said. "Pepper".


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  • #2221
    Run_to_da_hills
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭Run_to_da_hills


    I've just bought a new flat screen TV off High St Hackney and all I can get is the latest odds from Ladbrokes on it.


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