Groped by male work colleague at work party

amdublin · 01-02-2015 11:25am

Have nothing more to do with him. If he asks why, explain how groping your behind and staying in the taxi longer than he should have made you feel uncomfortable.

I understand you are feeling uncomfortable but I think you are making something bigger than it is. Single people try it on with single people. You don't want him to try it on with you, that is fine. Avoid him in future.

Best of luck.

Sleepless and Manic · 01-02-2015 6:30pm

amdublin wrote: »

Yes of course HR keep a file. But obviously there is more too it than "first to open the file" is the victim/is in the right. An investigation by HR is required.

Exactly.

And one of Human Resources' most important roles is to protect the company from any liability.

In fact in a lot of cases you could say that is their primary role, you may think they're there for you but thats not always true.

Chucky the tree · 01-02-2015 6:34pm

janblues1001 wrote: »

Not for a second would I suggest rape for heaven's sake!!!
All I'm saying is his perviness wouldn't have stopped.
Of course I was dumb for getting into a taxi!!!(there were others but the driver wouldn't go my direction first.)
I think he's was desperate, sad, foolish, and very pervy. But nothing more sinister.
Gut instinct says he'd do these things again, and quite frankly I think he's a twat who I am best staying clear of.

I'd say most guys who grope a girl and would do it again when the girl doesn't tell him not to.

bee06 · 01-02-2015 7:12pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I'd say most guys who grope a girl and would do it again when the girl doesn't tell him not to.

I agree, if he's as pervy as you say he's probably thinking "well she hasn't told me to feck off so maybe she's interested and just shy. Sure, I'll try my luck again the next night and see what happens"

You need to be very clear with him that his behaviour is making you uncomfortable and you're not interested.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2015 10:30pm

As a manager myself and a male I have to give you the following advice

1) The issue is within the remit of the company, if the office party had ended and you all went back to a private residence and it happened there then it would still be the company's responsibility.

2) Do NOT talk to him about this, you need to go to HR immediately

3) His behaviour is unacceptable, you were groped, you did not consent to this. For anyone unaware of boundaries you do not grab a woman's bum if you are not in a relationship with them and even if you are in a relationship with them some women may find it inappropriate in public.

4) Don't be afraid of being seen as someone making a big deal about nothing, what happened to you is unacceptable in any workplace. Consent is the key issue here, did you consent to this and clearly you did not.

5) You have to take this to HR, do not try to manage this yourself. This man is a sh**stirrer as you already explained....once you give him the cold shoulder you'll become a target of his gossip. Follow the procedure which is available in all established companies, go to HR and file a complaint.

amdublin · 02-02-2015 8:33am

Why can she not handle this herself?

You have not been clear why she must get HR involvement on this??

If this happened at a party organised by a friend (not work), would you be saying get your friend involved/get the guards involved.

My advice stands. Tell this man is actions/attentions are unwanted.

And record the sequence of events in an email to yourself.

dellas1979 · 02-02-2015 9:32pm

amdublin wrote: »

If this happened at a party organised by a friend (not work), would you be saying get your friend involved/get the guards involved.

You are forgetting, he is not her friend. He is her colleague. Whether you realise this (or acknowledge this) all bets are off when something like this happens with a colleague.

amdublin wrote: »

My advice stands. Tell this man is actions/attentions are unwanted.

No way jose. This can mis-construed as her bullying him. She (nor he) is above the laws that govern a work place, and how things should be handled. It would show poor judgement to me for someone to "confront" or place blame on a colleague, all of your own doing (i.e., emailing them a "dont touch me again email" or "having a dont touch me chat" in the kitchen.

amdublin wrote: »

And record the sequence of events in an email to yourself.

Again, not a smart move. If she does this, and it all goes arse ways, HR will actually frown on this, that she (wrongly) tried to sort this out herself. Its classic psychometric question when even interviewing someone "if you had a problem in work/had a serious problem with a colleague, what would you do?". Do people just answer "go to manager/HR" just to get the job? And when faced with an actual scenario, then do the wrong thing?

amdublin · 02-02-2015 9:37pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

Again, not a smart move. If she does this, and it all goes arse ways, HR will actually frown on this, that she (wrongly) tried to sort this out herself. Its classic psychometric question when even interviewing someone "if you had a problem in work/had a serious problem with a colleague, what would you do?". Do people just answer "go to manager/HR" just to get the job? And when faced with an actual scenario, then do the wrong thing?

The last person I'd be hiring for the job is someone who runs to HR/manager for this kind of scenario.

She is a single person. He is a single person. He (inappropriately) tried it on with her at the christmas party.

Why in god's name would she go to HR about this???? Instead of sorting it out like an adult herself???

dellas1979 · 02-02-2015 9:46pm

amdublin wrote: »

I'd imagine HR's first question will be, have you told X yet yourself that his behaviour is unacceptable?

Im afraid your imaginations are wrong and no such questions are asked. And you realise you are actually putting people off who may have genuine issue to report.

I think you are looking at this from your own point of view (and imaginations) because you might see this behaviour as acceptable. And thats fair enough.

But in black and white, whether you skirt around your idea of acceptable, in a work place (whether you think so or not) this behaviour is not tolerated.

I didnt make up the black and white stuff. I am neither below it or above it. Neither are you. And neither is anyone in a working environment.

dellas1979 · 02-02-2015 9:49pm

amdublin wrote: »

The last person I'd be hiring for the job is someone who runs to HR/manager for this kind of scenario.

But, you dont seem to know anything at all about HR process to deal with this type of scenario.

Yes, I most certainly would hire someone who would report inappropriate behaviour.

You keep ignoring the big elephant in the room. Doesnt matter who is single (so, its ok for her to put up with this cause she is single?).

They are colleagues.

You are very badly giving out incorrect information here (not just an opinion), and thats what worries me (for the OP and anyone else reading this with a similar issue).

Edit: If you are on a night out with your colleagues...office party or something...and you inappropriately touch a colleague, you do realise (whether the excuses are "I fancied her/him", "I was drunk", "It was only a bit of craic"), you do realise in law that that colleague can report you.

strandroad · 02-02-2015 9:54pm

amdublin wrote: »

The last person I'd be hiring for the job is someone who runs to HR/manager for this kind of scenario.

She is a single person. He is a single person. He (inappropriately) tried it on with her at the christmas party.

Why in god's name would she go to HR about this???? Instead of sorting it out like an adult herself???

So you'd rather have a bunch of people who grope one another or give out about groping? And this is professional how?

And what does their marital status have to do with it? Would she be justified in reporting it if she was married but not when she's single?

amdublin · 02-02-2015 10:01pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

Im afraid your imaginations are wrong and no such questions are asked. And you realise you are actually putting people off who may have genuine issue to report.

I think you are looking at this from your own point of view (and imaginations) because you might see this behaviour as acceptable. And thats fair enough.

But in black and white, whether you skirt around your idea of acceptable, in a work place (whether you think so or not) this behaviour is not tolerated.

I didnt make up the black and white stuff. I am neither below it or above it. Neither are you. And neither is anyone in a working environment.

I certainly do not see this behaviour as acceptable. And I have said it is not acceptable multiple times in this thread.

I think this lady needs to address this with him and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable.

amdublin · 02-02-2015 10:04pm

mhge wrote: »

So you'd rather have a bunch of people who grope one another or give out about groping? And this is professional how?

And what does their marital status have to do with it? Would she be justified in reporting it if she was married but not when she's single?

No, I'd rather have a bunch of people who act like adults and can communicate with each other about what is acceptable and what is not, without assistance from HR.

I mention both their status to demonstrate the picture that this was someone who fancied someone, acting it out on a night out. This is what happens in life.

And when this happens the other party makes the other party know that he or she is not interested and their behaviour is unacceptable and not to happen againg.

dellas1979 · 02-02-2015 10:10pm

amdublin wrote: »

I think this lady needs to address this with him and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable.

I dont agree.

And Ive seen people taking such advice, and having it go absolute arse ways (and against them) in a work environment.

Long gone are the days when you just suck it up and "play normal" to make sure HR dont realise there is a problem. In case what? You dont get a promotion? You are a trouble maker? Those days are long gone.

I would advise her to either speak informally to someone in HR (doesnt require a complaint, its more advice), or dont say anything at all, especially to him.

amdublin, am out of this thread now, but for the last time, please stop calling them "just people" etc. They are not just people, they are colleagues. From whatever type of work environment you come from, you just dont seem to get this.

amdublin · 02-02-2015 10:18pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont agree.

And Ive seen people taking such advice, and having it go absolute arse ways (and against them) in a work environment.

Long gone are the days when you just suck it up and "play normal" to make sure HR dont realise there is a problem. In case what? You dont get a promotion? You are a trouble maker? Those days are long gone.

I would advise her to either speak informally to someone in HR (doesnt require a complaint, its more advice), or dont say anything at all, especially to him.

amdublin, am out of this thread now, but for the last time, please stop calling them "just people" etc. They are not just people, they are colleagues. From whatever type of work environment you come from, you just dont seem to get this.

I think this lady needs to speak with her colleague and explain to him that his behaviour has upset her and is unacceptable and that if it happens again she will be going to HR.

I don't know whether you work in HR or not. If you do you must be very busy if colleagues cannot deal with things like this themselves without your assistance!

I am out of this thread too.

OP - the very best of luck whatever your choose. Dealing with it yourself or going to HR will get the same result imo, so at the end of the day you need to deal with this as best you see fit. Whatever you do I hope this issue is over for you soon.

dellas1979 · 02-02-2015 10:32pm

amdublin wrote: »

If you do you must be very busy if colleagues cannot deal with things like this themselves without your assistance!

LOLs. At least you are calling them colleagues now. HR arent there (or employed) just to push paper around you know. They are there to deal with things like this, in a professional manner, and to give advice and direct appropriately. Its not one iota go to do with someones assertiveness to deal with someone elses bad or inappropriate behaviour.

Good night.

LegacyUser · 02-02-2015 10:49pm

OP here..

He came over to me today, I was quite cold and distant so he asked what's up. I took him to the corridor to discuss. I asked him if here remembered the night in question, where he inappropriately touched me. He said no. He asked if it was definitely him. I told him I remember it clearly and it was definitely him. He said he was drunk and doesn't remember. I told him that he didn't seem all that drunk to me, but when it comes to it I cannot say exactly how drunk he was. I told him what he did was disgusting. I told him that from now on I'd prefer that we keep out relationship professional only, and asked if he would respect this. He said yes and apologised. That was the end of it.

I tried to read his reaction, to determine if he was genuinely drunk on the night and does not remember the incident, or else, he remembers but is too embarrassed to admit to such a sleazy thing. I wasn't sure. But when it comes to it, I don't care either way, as I feel what he did was horrible and I don't want to be friends with someone like that.
I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I feel happy that I had the confidence to speak to him and get it off my chest.
I think speaking to him was the best course of action for my situation, although I know several people on here suggested HR being the best port of call. I think the issue I had won't be mentioned again, especially not by him, and I see no point in going to HR. I hope I'm not wrong. Surely most managers/HR staff prefer that people deal with work issues themselves at least at first, then look for support from managers/HR if that doesn't resolve it? And that would be how I would answer that question in an interview if how I deal with conflict was ever put to me in a job interview.

amdublin · 02-02-2015 11:26pm

Janblues1001 wrote: »

I feel like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I feel happy that I had the confidence to speak to him and get it off my chest.

Good for you op. Sounds to me like you handled it with aplomb, and am glad that weight has lifted for you.

skallywag · 03-02-2015 10:17am

Janblues1001 wrote: »

Surely most managers/HR staff prefer that people deal with work issues themselves at least at first, then look for support from managers/HR if that doesn't resolve it?

As a team manager myself OP I have to say that you are bang on the money here, and you have certainly done the right thing. Those advising you to head straight to HR were giving very poor advice in my own opinion.

Zen65 · 03-02-2015 4:25pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

No way jose. This can mis-construed as her bullying him. She (nor he) is above the laws that govern a work place, and how things should be handled.

dellas1979 wrote: »

Again, not a smart move. If she does this, and it all goes arse ways, HR will actually frown on this, that she (wrongly) tried to sort this out herself. Its classic psychometric question when even interviewing someone "if you had a problem in work/had a serious problem with a colleague, what would you do?". Do people just answer "go to manager/HR" just to get the job? And when faced with an actual scenario, then do the wrong thing?

Have you ever worked in HR? Have you managed cases such as this? I think advice as radical as this needs to be backed up by stating your credentials (apologies if you already did in another post). The idea that a staff member cannot say that certain actions - like grabbing her bum - are unacceptable is simply ridiculous! The law expects work colleagues to express their discomfort (where such discomfort exists) with such advances.

Groped by male work colleague at work party

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