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How to move on???

  • 16-06-2008 3:29pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi There,

    Going unreg for this, just out of a 6yr relationship and to be honest im finding it hard to deal with it all. This is a bit of a rant aswell as it makes me feel a little better writing it down.

    Some info
    We decided to take a break a few weeks back to try and see if we wanted the relationship to work or not.This weekend she decided she didnt want to get back together.

    Needless to say i thought i was prepared for this eventuallity but to be honest it has hit me like a tonne of bricks...im not eating cant sleep and i just feel generally ****ty.

    After she told me she didnt want to get back together i was all for getting back together, i dont know if its becasue i wanted what i couldn't have or not.

    The relationship was up and down but generally i thought the good outweighed the bad and that we both loved each other, i think it had fizzled out a bit towards the end, but over the three weeks i was very nostalgic about all the "good times" and I was all for giving it another go and re starting the relationship, but i wanted her to come to her own decision without me affecting that decision.

    Now im not asking for advice on how to get her back or anything, if she wants to be single and it makes her happy then thats fine.

    All ive ever wanted was for her to be happy, i know its sounds corny but i love her and i feel like i always will so im just finding it hard to deal with this stuff at the moment, now i know she cares about also but she said she needs to do this etc.

    Im wondering whats the best thing to do to get over a girl?

    Some of my mates have been telling me "Best way to get over one girl is to get under another one" but to be honest im just not feeling like it at the moment, should i bite the bullet and just sleep with another girl to get rid of this ****ty feeling or wait untill im feeling more like myself.

    Im kinda pissed off as well more so at myself, ive lost some of my good mates over the years because of this relationship and im feeling a bit lonely with all this stuff going on, i have my family and 1 or 2 close friends and several "good friends" but i dont want to be burdening myself on them all the time, dont want them pissed of at me being depressed and **** all the time when im around them.

    Ive basically said to her that i can't have contact with her as i would find it too hard to get over her, does this make sense, or should i be keeping the door open...? Im finding it hard not too talk to her and ring her and stuff as im so used to it, but i think it would be harder if i was talking ot her, now maybe she might change her mind and maybe i will also but i have to take this for what it is at the moment and try to move on.

    Will i feel worse by just going out and getting laid....

    And Finally, Does it get easier? is there any light at the end of the tunnel here man?

    Any advice would be appreciated and i hope im making some sense here folks.

    PS - Sorry about the long post


Comments

  • #2
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,405 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    This has to be the crappest feeling in the whole world OP, everyone's been there, so let me start off with, this feeling doesn't last.

    There is different strokes for different folks in how to deal with this and the guys who say getting over her means getting under another may well be right in their minds. I know it has worked for me in the past but in general i find that people should try living single and living for yourself. time to start doing things you wanted to but couldn't because of relationship obligations.

    Also, do something to take your mind off her in your spare time. if your finishing work at 5 everyday and then heading home to a house with nothing to do, you'll end up letting your mind wander and this is not a good idea. take up something physical that will wear you out so much, you're physically too tired to think about it.

    Go back out into the social scene and make friends. we had a few people out last friday that were feeling lonely and in a similar situation to you. (I hope) they had fun and met plenty of new people.

    Hope some of this helps OP

    head to boards beers on friday, have fun, meet people

    Red


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    im with you right there man. its a sickly feeling all of the time. I always lost one of two close mates over the course of the relationship. im just going to try and surround myself with work, freinds and hopefully do a part time masters this sept.


  • #4
    Aurora Borealis
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭Aurora Borealis


    +1 to all Reds pearls of wisdom.
    It may not seem it now or indeed for a while to come but if it is final it may be for the best and the hurt you are feeling now will get easier.
    I said it on another thread recently but break ups can offer a great opportunity for some personal spring cleaning which is most definitely a very good thing. Get in touch with some friends you may not have spoken to for a while. Everyone goes through this and real friends will still be real friends at the other side even if you haven't been in touch much throughout your relationship.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the encouragement folks, i guess i just didn't think it would hurt the way it does.

    I thought i would bounce back quickly and stuff, but now im thinking thats not going to happen.

    Am i better off cutting contact and leaving as is or staying in contact, which i just dont think i can bear?


  • #6
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,234 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    confusement! wrote: »
    im with you right there man. its a sickly feeling all of the time. I always lost one of two close mates over the course of the relationship. im just going to try and surround myself with work, freinds and hopefully do a part time masters this sept.
    Please don't quote very long posts like that.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Victor wrote: »
    Please don't quote very long posts like that.

    what you on about?


  • #8
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,405 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    Am i better off cutting contact and leaving as is or staying in contact, which i just dont think i can bear?

    You know the answer to this mate. It sucks but you gotta cut her out of your life. You can try the friends thing after a few months but you need to detox your system of this girl


  • #9
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,234 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    confusement! wrote: »
    what you on about?
    You tagged a 3-line response onto a 60-line quote.

    Now, on topic please.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey guys thanks for all the posts, does anyone know the best way to stop myself from wanting to ring and text my ex all the time?

    We used to talk all the time so im finding it hard to break this habbit!

    Any other tips for occupying my time? or keeping my brain from wandering back to thoughts about her....?

    Im hanging around with my friends alot more and today i relaised that moaning about it all the time wont do anything for me and probably pissing my mates off so im trying to be more up beat.

    Do you just wake up one day and it magically feels all better after a month or something?

    PS - has anyone ever had that sinking feeling in there stomach after a breakup, i havent been eating right in days, just wondering if its me or what?

    Cheers lads and lassies


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey folks,

    Just wondering i was thinking about talking to someone regaridng all this stuff and i was wondering if anybody knows if it helps or is it something you just have to tough out?

    Finding it very hard today, wish i could call her up and talk to her!!!


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  • #12
    Colonel_McCoy
    Registered Users Posts: 751 ✭✭✭Colonel_McCoy


    You can't blame yourself for letting someone into your heart. Love is always a risk. But you have to take it. The pain you're feeling now will pass in time, and you'll find yourself ready to take that risk again. Until then... take comfort in your friends. They want to help you.


  • #13
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,405 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    Hey guys thanks for all the posts, does anyone know the best way to stop myself from wanting to ring and text my ex all the time?

    Get completely taken up in something. Nerd hat on, video games work for me, if i'm concentrating on a video game, nothing else enters my head. social activities are better but just an option for you
    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    We used to talk all the time so im finding it hard to break this habbit!

    This is where the "get over one by under another" thing comes into play. instead of texting your ex all the time, people who use this tactic, concentrate all their energy into the chase of a new partner. Another option for you :D
    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    Any other tips for occupying my time? or keeping my brain from wandering back to thoughts about her....?

    Do charity work, join a sport, take up a hobby, take on night classes, do something that will better yourself and engage with other people, this will make you feel more confident and will help you get out there and talking to new people, a very demanding social exercise
    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    Im hanging around with my friends alot more and today i relaised that moaning about it all the time wont do anything for me and probably pissing my mates off so im trying to be more up beat.

    Well thats a good thing! at least it shows you still have thought and consideration for others! but realistically, your mates probably know how you feel, everyone's been there. They might be trying to get you to go out with them etc, take these invites as they are, guys trying to help another guy. If your in any way a good mate, you def have a mourning period which they are obligated to be understanding in :D
    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    Do you just wake up one day and it magically feels all better after a month or something?

    Kinda, one day you realise that it hasn't been bothering you in the last while. thinking about it won't help coz it'll keep bringing you back to square one. Just let your mind get used to being single again, eventually everything will just seem grand and you'll wonder why you felt bad

    Getoverthegirl wrote: »
    PS - has anyone ever had that sinking feeling in there stomach after a breakup, i havent been eating right in days, just wondering if its me or what?

    Cheers lads and lassies

    The lead weight? yup, had that, didn't affect my appetite, but that might be because i eat like a horse all the time, i love my food! but yeah, every time i used to think about 1 or 2 or my ex's after breakup, it was like i'd swallowed a concrete block

    You will get over this mate, time is the main ingredient in the healing process is all


  • #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the posts, Red, Colonel, Aurora, really helped me to feel a lot better.

    Last night i was startign to get really angry and pissed (at stuff she did, and stuff we missed out on etc) off instead of depressed, is this normal or am i flipping out for no reason?

    Now at te moment im between angry and depressed, its weird, ive never felt like this depressed one minute the angry the next.

    Cheers


  • #15
    barkingmadlolly
    Registered Users Posts: 81 ✭✭barkingmadlolly


    OP I broke up with my ex 6 months ago and believe me it gets easier, there are days though when I relaly dont feel like leaving the house or eating or generally doing anything. Those days really do pass, I joined the gym and have been going out with friends more etc and it really, really does help to take your mind off of it. He went away and we are still in touch as we didnt end badly etc, but it still breaks my heart to think of him moving on etc.

    Only thing I can say is if its going to tear you apart, try not to contact her for a while, get out and get active - it really does take your mind off of it and gives you a focus and lean on your friends.

    Another thing, it can be hard to talk to friends about it as they are closely involved but I find reading posts online and taking on board some of the advice from people who didnt know "us" really does help - objective opinion form people with no ulterior motive :) Best of luck!


  • #16
    Damzilla
    Closed Accounts Posts: 150 ✭✭Damzilla


    Hey there.

    Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I'm going through the exact same thing myself at the moment so I know exactly how you feel. It sucks.

    I'm just clinging on to the hope that it will get easier and am trying to force myself to get out and do stuff. Most of my friends are in couples so it's not easy and the break up has left me fiancially screwed as well so I don't have much money to go out and do things.

    I have found this site to be a life line, especially in the evenings during the week when I'm at home alone. Keep posting here it really does help.

    Hope it gets easier for us both.


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