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Hi all,
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Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

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    #32
    Fluorescence
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,490 Mod ✭✭✭✭Fluorescence


    In case you accidentally read the punch-line before the question. It spoils the joke sometimes


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    #33
    Ghost Buster
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,172 ✭✭✭Ghost Buster


    I have a really good step ladder.
    But I wish I'd met my real ladder.:(


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    #34
    The Davestator
    Registered Users Posts: 3,395 ✭✭✭The Davestator


    What did michael jackson have after his dinner?
    Under eights

    Whats the difference between a gingers f*nny and a hurley?
    If you tried really really hard, you could eat a hurley

    Note - replace ginger with any race or people you dont like


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    #35
    fenris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,078 ✭✭✭fenris


    What's blue and doesn't fit?
    A dead epileptic


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    #36
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    Heard a good joke today.

    An aul farmer was on his death bed, he asked the priest if he could get Brian Lenihan and Brian Cowen to come to his death bed before he passes away.
    So the next day as he is about to pass, the priest brings in the two brians, one each side of the bed. Brian Cowen asked the old man, why do you want to see us? The old farmer said - I wanted to see what it was like for Jesus to die with two thieving bastards either side of him!


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    #37
    IvySlayer
    Registered Users Posts: 17,187 ✭✭✭✭IvySlayer


    US Customs: "Hello sir, do you have anything in your luggage which may be used as a weapon?"

    MacGuyver: "Fcuk"


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    #38
    NSNO
    Registered Users Posts: 281 ✭✭NSNO


    What do Michael Jackson and a shopping bag have in common?
    They're both white, plastic and harmful to young children


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    #39
    super_furry
    Registered Users Posts: 27,321 ✭✭✭✭super_furry


    Why did the girl fall off the swing?
    She had no arms.


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    #40
    pasta-solo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 794 ✭✭✭pasta-solo


    This one needs to be said aloud:

    Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

    2:30

    Always makes me laugh!


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    #41
    IvySlayer
    Registered Users Posts: 17,187 ✭✭✭✭IvySlayer


    I went into B and Q, I said I wanted a decking, so they broke my nose :(


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    #42
    chin_grin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,808 ✭✭✭✭chin_grin


    super_furry wrote: »
    Why did the girl fall off the swing?
    She had no arms.

    Why couldn't she get up?
    She had no legs.


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    #43
    DualFrontDiscs
    Registered Users Posts: 932 ✭✭✭DualFrontDiscs


    A Buddhist on his first trip to New York goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, 'Make me one with everything'.

    The Buddhist hands over $5 and waits for change. The hot dog vendor says, 'Change comes from within'.


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    #44
    Turtyturd
    Registered Users Posts: 28,394 ✭✭✭✭Turtyturd


    A friend of mine told me this last week...what did people at Mozarts grave say???...I can hear him decomposing


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    #45
    Ronin247
    Registered Users Posts: 1,256 ✭✭✭Ronin247


    Sean says to his friend Mike " If I waited till you went to work and went round to your house and f*cked your wife and got her pregnant would that make us related??

    Mike looks thoughtful for a moment and says
    No but it would make us even


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    #46
    Fluorescence
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,490 Mod ✭✭✭✭Fluorescence


    Turtyturd wrote: »
    A friend of mine told me this last week...what did people at Mozarts grave say???...I can hear him decomposing

    You told it wrong :P

    A while back lots of people decided that Mozart should be made a saint for all the beautiful music he created. A campaign was put together and the church agreed to dig him up and then canonize him.

    When they eventually got the coffin out of the ground and prised it open, they found Mozart inside with a manuscript in one hand and an eraser in the other, furiously rubbing out the music on the sheet. When they asked what he was doing, he replied, "Decomposing."


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    #47
    misslt
    Registered Users Posts: 2,103 ✭✭✭misslt


    super_furry wrote: »
    Why did the girl fall off the swing?
    She had no arms.

    No no.

    Why did Suzy fall off the swing?

    Cos she had no arms.

    Why did Paul fall off the cliff?

    I dunno but Suzy didn't push him!

    ~*~

    So Brian Cowen and his driver were driving through the countryside and they run over a pig.

    The driver says 'I'd better go to the house and tell them.'

    So he's gone for about two hours and comes back staggering, drunk and stinking of smoke.

    Brian says to him 'what kept ya?' The driver says 'well the man of the house insisted I have sex with his daughter, drink his finest whiskey and smoke his finest cigars.'

    'Jesus' says Brian, 'what the hell did you say to him?'

    Says the driver 'I said I'm Brian Cowens driver and I just killed the pig!'


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    #48
    wonton
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,214 ✭✭✭wonton


    how many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

    TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!


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    #49
    Snakeblood
    Registered Users Posts: 4,466 ✭✭✭Snakeblood


    This guy goes into a bar. He's got a head that's shaped like half an orange. The Bartender looks at the guy.

    'What happened to your head?'

    'It's a long story really. I bought this old house, and went through it, throwing old stuff out. I foudn an old lamp and was cleaning it by rubbing it vigorously. After a couple of moments of that, suddenly a genie jumped out! He said 'FREE, AT LAST I'M FREE'

    'I was a bit puzzled, but the genie explained to me that I had three wishes, so I should think long and hard about them. So for my first wish I asked that my pockets have a million quid in them, and no matter how much I take out, they always refill with a million pounds. The Genie winked, and suddenly my pockets were full of a million pounds!'.

    'That's amazing' said the bartender

    'Not only that. Afterwards, I wished again, for women to find me attractive, and thatI would never be lonely again. And Hey presto! it was done. I've never been lonely since.'

    'Fantastic' said the bartender.

    'And for my third wish, I said 'Can I have a head shaped like a half an orange?'


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    #50
    aDeener
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,487 ✭✭✭aDeener


    easily my favourite:

    A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

    The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

    "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."


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    #51
    CrazyFish
    Registered Users Posts: 211 ✭✭CrazyFish


    Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill ?
    Because it ran out of juice.
    I am here all week folks.


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    #52
    Bog
    Registered Users Posts: 463 ✭✭Bog


    A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.


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    #53
    Cantona's Collars
    Registered Users Posts: 33,709 ✭✭✭✭Cantona's Collars


    What did the bus driver say to the man with no legs?
    "How ya gettin on?"


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    #54
    cheesehead
    Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭cheesehead


    Man has to go see his psychiatrist. For whatever reason, before going the man strips buck naked and wraps himself in clear plastic wrap.

    Man then walks into the psychiatrist's office and the psychiatrist says:

    "I knew you were crazy, but now I can see you're nuts!"


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    #55
    numbnutz
    Registered Users Posts: 337 ✭✭numbnutz


    i know a woman who cooks ham and peas in the same pot....
    class!!:D


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    #56
    TwoShedsJackson
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,438 ✭✭✭TwoShedsJackson


    What's the difference between Dirty Harry and Emmet Stagg?

    Dirty Harry can make your day, Emmet Stagg can make your hole weak.


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    #57
    ilovelamp2000
    Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭ilovelamp2000


    What's blue and fúcks grannies ?
    Me in my lucky blue suit !!!


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    #58
    Ghandee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,653 ✭✭✭Ghandee


    Whats the name of the smallest pub in the world?


    The Thalidomide Arms!


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    #59
    JerryHandbag
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,543 ✭✭✭JerryHandbag


    So theres this guy who enters the paralympics, and he's got no legs or arms, in fact he's got no torso either....he's just a head, and he's brilliant at swimming. He's the hot favourite to take the gold medal in the swimming competition and has proved unbeatable thus far in qualifying competitions. The gold medal is a formality for him.

    So the big day arrives, the swimming final. He's on the blocks, ready for the biggest day of his life, and ready to jump in the pool and swim to certain victory. The guns goes off, the race begins, the contestants dive into the pool.....only for our hero to sink straight to the bottom of the pool. The race goes on and finishes while he flounders at the starting line.

    His trainer rushes to his rescue, fishes him out of the pool and asks "What the hell happened? You've been brilliant in training all along??!!!!"

    To which he replied -
    "I've spent my whole life learning how to swim with my ears, and then you come along and PUT A ****ING SWIMMING CAP ON MY HEAD!!!"


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    #60
    Lemsiper
    Registered Users Posts: 655 ✭✭✭Lemsiper


    What unit did they put Michael Jackson in when he joined the army? The infantry.


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    #61
    missingtime
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,942 ✭✭✭missingtime


    How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    one


This discussion has been closed.
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