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Time to give up I think

  • 30-07-2014 12:18pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    We've been married 10 years and have 3 super kids. My wife and I still function as a family unit. Bills paid, kids do well in school, family outings/holidays.
    However there is a complete lack of love between the two of us (I'm fairly sure she'd agree), we still share the same bed and at times tell each other ''I love you'' but I don't believe her anymore or myself when I say it. We don't have much of a social life as money would be tight enough.
    We don't have sex very often, maybe 2 times a month and this used to annoy me no end but it's always kind of been that way. In the past it would have me feeling very angry as I used to feel I was always asking for it and she was always saying no, now I rarely ask.
    This is not how I thought our life would go. If we didn't function so well as a family I think I would have looked to seperate.
    I suppose what I'm looking for is ideas on maybe how to fall back in love with each other again or does it sound like it's time to move on which I don't really want to do because of the kids. I'm the stay at home parent btw.


Comments

  • #2
    CyrilFiggis
    Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭CyrilFiggis


    anon1m wrote: »
    We've been married 10 years and have 3 super kids. My wife and I still function as a family unit. Bills paid, kids do well in school, family outings/holidays.
    However there is a complete lack of love between the two of us (I'm fairly sure she'd agree), we still share the same bed and at times tell each other ''I love you'' but I don't believe her anymore or myself when I say it. We don't have much of a social life as money would be tight enough.
    We don't have sex very often, maybe 2 times a month and this used to annoy me no end but it's always kind of been that way. In the past it would have me feeling very angry as I used to feel I was always asking for it and she was always saying no, now I rarely ask.
    This is not how I thought our life would go. If we didn't function so well as a family I think I would have looked to seperate.
    I suppose what I'm looking for is ideas on maybe how to fall back in love with each other again or does it sound like it's time to move on which I don't really want to do because of the kids. I'm the stay at home parent btw.

    Hi Anon,

    It's not clear from your post whether you have ever actually discussed your concerns with your wife .

    You assume she'd agree that there is a complete lack of love and you don't believe her when she says she loves you. The sex issue comprised of you asking her, her saying no and you ultimately giving up asking - twice a month isn't as bad as some of the droughts we hear about here with 3 kids! - but have you ever talked about it? Considered counselling?

    Please don't give up on your marriage without making a decent stab at resolving issues as it sounds like you guys have just become a bit accustomed to each other more than anything else.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry you're right, a bit more info needed.
    Back in 2007 we went to counselling, at that time my wife was the stay at home parent the kids (2 at the time) and through counselling we realised that my wife may have been suffering from post natal stress and a few more sessions in and she wanted to go back to work so she did and I stayed at home from then on. So the counselling appeared to work and we got on better in the bedroom but that as all solutions so far only lasted a short while.
    The last time I brought it up she replied ''I thought we were doing better'' I'm not sure how she thinks this and to be honest I hate listening to the sound of my own voice when I approach the subject so I tend to maybe not try so hard anymore.
    I've also come to think that as great a woman/mother as she is we actually have very little in common and our kids would really be the only common thing we share.


  • #4
    westernlad4x
    Registered Users Posts: 32 ✭westernlad4x


    anon1m wrote: »
    We've been married 10 years and have 3 super kids. My wife and I still function as a family unit. Bills paid, kids do well in school, family outings/holidays.
    However there is a complete lack of love between the two of us (I'm fairly sure she'd agree), we still share the same bed and at times tell each other ''I love you'' but I don't believe her anymore or myself when I say it. We don't have much of a social life as money would be tight enough.
    We don't have sex very often, maybe 2 times a month and this used to annoy me no end but it's always kind of been that way. In the past it would have me feeling very angry as I used to feel I was always asking for it and she was always saying no, now I rarely ask.
    This is not how I thought our life would go. If we didn't function so well as a family I think I would have looked to seperate.
    I suppose what I'm looking for is ideas on maybe how to fall back in love with each other again or does it sound like it's time to move on which I don't really want to do because of the kids. I'm the stay at home parent btw.

    I've a thread here with a very similar issue.
    In my case when the drought is brought to crisis point things might pan out at once a month at very best.
    I totally empathise with the idea that you have given up asking for sex/intimacy.
    It feels awful.
    My OH will avoid cuddling up on couch or spooning - probably because things have gone on for so long that that could be interpreted (by me, I assume) as a signal for something more.

    In my case a poster (jcon1913) has offered probably the most accurate interpretation of what might be going on.
    I believe she somehow grew up with a negative view of intimacy and has somehow over-valued that view as life has gone on.
    I know there are much more things going on with a woman than to simplify it to that but the length of her abstinences and efforts to try to evade some kind of lightness and romanticism into the relationship make me feel this is an underlying cause.
    It then sets it out for me to either put up with this longterm or find an alternative more compatible partner.
    A tragedy when kids are involved.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Look OP separation is never going to be easy for anybody involved but you only get once chance at life and you either live it or you don't and end up miserable.
    Whats the point in staying together if you don't love each other anymore. You are basically just friends sharing a bed for the sake of kids no?

    I hate reading about couples staying together for the sake of kids because you are essentially living a lie to yourself in order to stick together as a family unit and both of you end up being miserable.

    Not all separations end badly, I have a friend who is separated nearly ten years and gets on better with her ex now than she did with they were married. The only connecter between them is the kids, and they have always put their needs first which has meant it has worked out well.

    I think you need to have a frank discussion with your wife and see if she feels the same way. Have you spoke to her about separating or marriage counselling?


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    westernlad4x wrote: »
    I've a thread here with a very similar issue.

    I saw it earlier alright and having not posted on PI before I thought the mods had re-wrote it and just changed a few bits of info :) as your situation is almost identical. Thanks for sharing.
    Look OP separation is never going to be easy for anybody involved but you only get once chance at life and you either live it or you don't and end up miserable.

    The older I get the more I start to realise this.


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  • #7
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Maybe I'm too cynical but this sounds like a fairly normal marriage to me. Twice a month is too little for you but it may seem a reasonable amount to your wife. The both of you still say you love each other, its not really fair to think your wife doesn't mean it just because you don't.

    You need to talk to her. She may well think everything is fine. From what you've said it doesn't sound all that bad, but you need to make your wife aware of how unhappy you are so that you can both address it.


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