One-Liner Jokes

jade78 · 12-02-2004 12:22pm

i went to my psyciatrist and he said im a paranoid schizophrenic, but we think hes lying.

whats the difference between BSE and PMS?
ones a mad cow and the others an agricultural problem.

during an operation the nurse turns to the doctor and says " doctor weve lost the patient"
doctor: "well he couldent have gotten far, he was under the sheet a second ago"

Groucho Marx: " ive never met a person i dident like, but for you im willing to make an exception."

glynf · 24-02-2004 9:03pm

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on
the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and
brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

Healio · 29-02-2004 3:00am

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Weather causes a Storm.
Man who lost left leg and arm in crash is all right now
Three types of people those who can count and those who cant.
Suicide Bomber may strike again.
Any1 kno the speed of dark then??
What colour does a smurf go if you choke one??

OmegaRed · 02-03-2004 11:30pm

A sausage and egg are in a frying pan. The sausage roils over and say to the egg “Hot in here isn’t it!” The egg says “AHHHH A talking sausage”

Frank Drebin · 03-03-2004 9:25pm

What do call a bloke with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool...... Bob!

catcon · 05-03-2004 4:03pm

What do you call a posh condom?

Jonathon!

keano_afc · 05-03-2004 7:35pm

Whats black and white and eats liie a horse?

A zebra.

emmemm · 06-03-2004 10:01am

what is the fastest thing in the world?
a ethiopian after a breadvan

whats the saddest thing in the world?
the breadvans empty

RobertFoster · 06-03-2004 7:08pm

Homer: "If I could just say a few words.....I'd be a better public speaker."

Ragamuffin · 10-03-2004 6:53pm

I made this joke up myself:) (that is why it's so cr@p:D)

Twins: Armagh won the All Ireland

Other person: Ah I always knew she was a fine woman

Walter Ego · 12-03-2004 12:20pm

A truck load of Viagra toppled into the Liffey earlier today.
There will be traffic delays in the area as Gardaí are still trying to close the East Link bridge.

Headcase · 12-03-2004 4:15pm

i finally found a woman just like my mother,
i brought her home, my father doesn't like her!

lofto · 16-03-2004 9:22pm

why isnt chris doran going to the eurovision?
he's a bad travellar.......

attica2k · 19-03-2004 4:21am

RIng of Power

In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the Ring of Power glow?
Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.

Walter Ego · 19-03-2004 4:21pm

An Post have withdrawn plans to put Grainne Seoige on a stamp.
A spokesman said "Half the men in the country would lick the wrong side"

robbie1876 · 19-03-2004 4:34pm

Chris Doran is to release a cover version of a classic Garth Brooks track. It's called "I've got friends in Hiaces"

Ragamuffin · 20-03-2004 1:29am

This one was in some movie

"Have you ever been killed?" (said when ya manno is going to kill the guy)

Bu · 20-03-2004 10:29pm

How do you know when there's an elephant in your bed?

It's the one with the 'E' on it's pyjamas

(Say when wasted ONLY!!)

Walter Ego · 22-03-2004 10:51am

Originally posted by Ragamuffin
This one was in some movie

"Have you ever been killed?" (said when ya manno is going to kill the guy)

Nightwatch?

Ragamuffin · 22-03-2004 4:12pm

Originally posted by Silent Death
Nightwatch?

I saw it a few days ago. It might of been called that... actually it probably was

robbie1876 · 22-03-2004 6:38pm

My girlfriend wanted a double entendre, so I gave her one.

muffy moon · 24-03-2004 2:36pm

ONE PIKIE TO ANOTHER IS THERE A B&Q IN TALLAGHT THE OTHER ONE REPLIES NO BUT I THINK THERES AN S&Q.

BaZmO* · 24-03-2004 3:01pm

Originally posted by muffy moon
ONE PIKIE TO ANOTHER IS THERE A B&Q IN TALLAGHT THE OTHER ONE REPLIES NO BUT I THINK THERES AN S&Q.

I don't get that!! Am I losing my touch????

muffy moon · 26-03-2004 12:02pm

There's no point in explaining it, as the joke has just gone over your head it happens to people some times.

BaZmO* · 26-03-2004 12:19pm

Originally posted by muffy moon
There's no point in explaining it, as the joke has just gone over your head it happens to people some times.

Well obviously there's nothing to explain then!!!

Verdammt · 26-03-2004 12:22pm

What do you call a Protitute with a runny nose ??

Full.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-03-2004 5:57pm

If you laid all the worlds economists end to end - they wouldn't reach a conclusion.

lofto · 30-03-2004 11:15am

a friend told me she was a compulsive liar........
but i did'nt believe her!!!

mwnger · 30-03-2004 9:50pm

Did ya hear about the dyslexic pimp?

-He bought a wharehouse.

What kind of bees produce milk?

-BOObees!

LegacyUser · 02-04-2004 4:18pm

the baker had brown hands because he kneeded a poo

One-Liner Jokes

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