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Fiancé has an issue with my salary
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to add to alibabs' post, at this stage after reading your posts and all the brilliant advice you got, I say you'll stick to this guy no matter what.
you'll probably marry him, might have kids and sooner or later things will happen in a way alibab described it.
you are delusional in not accepting there's some severely wrong in your relationship, and how your partner treats you.
And unfortunately you're not alone with this, so many people live in abusive, manipulating relationships. for what I ask myself. for fear of being alone? It's mindboggling, I could never do that.
OP, I'm not writing this to put you down, I'm writing this still with a slight hope it might open your eyes and you'll tackle the real issues, stand up for yourself, take the great advice here on board, whatever consequences it involves.
all the best0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »He's so charismatic and handsome and he could have anyone he wanted,
No he couldn't. He's a bum. Most women will sense this a mile off. As you said yourself, you have low self esteem and he's preying on it. Guys like this have a talent for finding the kind of women who'll put up with their nonsense.anysolutionsunreg wrote: »when his mums not standing too far away with a cheque-book I really just never ever want her to see us not getting on as she already has expressed concerns about me in the past, my dad was a factory worker which she felt at the start was beneath her son, she doesn't need another reason to dislike me. If she thinks he's struggling financially with me I'll be doomed for good.
She sounds like a horrible snob and if that's the case then nothing you do will change her opinion of you.
The galling bit in all of this story is that he clearly is beneath you and despite all of the evidence, that you yourself have supplied to support this fact, you don't believe it.
You've got character. You've shown hard work, loyalty and perseverance. All he's shown is an unearned sense of entitlement. Get rid.
(Oh and I earn €36k and manage to pay rent, run a car, socialise go on foreign holidays and save €500 per month. Again, he's a bum)0 -
It's all she can do though. He might borrow from other people, he might take out loans or credit cards, there's nothing she can do in that case but not agree to be guarantor for any loans and thus avoid being held liable for any debt he may get into.
It would be better to try get to the root of it though rather than just move the problem to owing others money.
If you are going to marry this man then whether you like it or not your finances are going to be intertwined. With every post, and with every explanation/excuse he gives you he sounds more and more like my friend's husband. Almost word for word.
Would you consider going to GamAnon? Just to see if anything sounds familiar to you?
This isn't unsalvageable, by the way. You can actually live quite happily... Once everything is out in the open. My friend recently told me her husband admitted a weight lifted when things started unravelling for him. He had tied himself up in so many knots, lying to everyone, family, friends, neighbours etc.. All to balance this mess he had gotten in to.
And the one big thing he always did if she questioned him... Turn it back around to attack her for not trusting him, questioning him, doubting him etc. Looking back now she is only realising what was happening. That he was deflecting attention away from himself so as not to get found out.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »
1) However recently he applied for a €500 over draft from his bank and was refused.
2) We have been talking about buying a place, eventually
3) maybe tonight, pay day, I'll suggest opening up a savings account that we both contribute too
4) it's the actual games he enjoys and the money bit is just for access, winning is a bonus.
5) I really want to believe he's not a gambler. He's always been terrible with money, always!
1) He will NEVER get a mortgage with any record of gambling on any bank accounts.
2) Hes ALL talk
3) no MAYBE. Sit him down and tell him you are together 8yrs, its time to open a joint living/savings account so you can both show bank for that mortgage he'll never get & wedding - I'm sorry dear but - he does not want or you would be saving toward it already
4) BULL. Every one of those online games is available without spending a penny. I loved the texas hold-em poker myself (until weirdos started sending me fb requests to a private account designed not to be seen by anyone I don't know in real life!) but never once did it cost me a cent
5) nobody wants to believe their loved one has any sort of addiction. A cousin of mine loved 2p slots, what harm could possibly come of 2p slots thought his family until bailiffs turned up one day (I kid you not, it was in UK) & threw himself, partner & child out & took house, furniture & car keys for debts he had run up without anyone knowing.
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I'm sorry but you will NEVER be good enough for Mammy! She knows she still has him by short n curlys by dangling that cheque book & I would, forgive me, hazard a bet if you spoke to the woman he has been running to her this entire time for loans cos you "won't sub him til payday"!
Why else did he suddenly need an overdraft?!0 -
Being realistic if he was turned down for a overdraft of 500 euros there is no way a mortgage is ever going to be approved . Online betting accounts in any guise even if spending 20 euro a week are a complete no no . He would need to close it now and keep squeaky clean accounts for the next year .
I earn roughly what your partner does and I run a car , have 2 kids and pay a mortgage and bills etc and still save a bit every month I have a good social life and although I watch the pennies no major money worries now . I suppose after having nothing for a long while I became excellent at budgeting .
There is something seriously wrong here and the sooner the penny drops the better . I don't mean to be harsh but he will drag you down and is doing so already .
I am with a new partner now he earns less than me by a good bit but he treats me 100 times better than my ex and when we are out he will insist on treating me etc and we take turns . It swings in roundabouts like I saw a pair of work boots on special he needed yesterday so bought them for him so all in all works out in issues .0 -
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I'm sorry but you will NEVER be good enough for Mammy! She knows she still has him by short n curlys by dangling that cheque book & I would, forgive me, hazard a bet if you spoke to the woman he has been running to her this entire time for loans cos you "won't sub him til payday"!
Why else did he suddenly need an overdraft?!
Given the way that addicts can be ashamed and manipulative it would not surprise me if part of the reason Mammy doesn't like you is because of the light he has painted you in.
After all it's much easier for him to blame you for everything rather than take responsibility for anything.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »However recently he applied for a €500 over draft from his bank and was refused. I thought this was really odd as I was under the impression they will give you at least half of your monthly salary. He said it was because he was in his job less than 5 years, which also sounded strange but I didn't doubt him, just thought the bank were useless or it might have been something to do with his erratic spending which would have been obvious.
That's a lie... Even for something big like a mortgage they only look a year back, and it's 6 months PAYE employment for overdrafts! Banks may have policies differing by a few months but not up to 5 years for a relatively small overdraft, don't believe it.
They saw something smelly - either his gambling coming off his account or the simple fact that on a decent salary all his money is spent in the first half on the month, which would be a red flag in itself.0 -
OP you don't seem to be great with finances either, how did you swallow that about the €500 overdraft. Come on jeez when I was a student on a grant and working part-time I was able to get a bloody overdraft. I know banks have tightened up things but somebody who is on that salary and is refused a €500, there is something seriously up there!!
Please don't not open a savings account with him unless you have total control over it!0 -
Look for a savings account that can't be easily accessed too.0
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It's all she can do though. He might borrow from other people, he might take out loans or credit cards, there's nothing she can do in that case but not agree to be guarantor for any loans and thus avoid being held liable for any debt he may get into.
He loans become her problem if she marries him.anysolutionsunreg wrote: »A few hours ago I was adamant that he didn't have a problem with the internet games and I honestly thought he was spending max €50 a month...I still very much want to believe this.
However recently he applied for a €500 over draft from his bank and was refused. I thought this was really odd as I was under the impression they will give you at least half of your monthly salary. He said it was because he was in his job less than 5 years, which also sounded strange but I didn't doubt him, just thought the bank were useless or it might have been something to do with his erratic spending which would have been obvious.
We have been talking about buying a place, eventually. I really think he only spends a small amount on that betting site but maybe tonight, pay day, I'll suggest opening up a savings account that we both contribute too and also ad that that stuff looks really bad on his bank statement so to stop using it while we're saving to give ourselves the best chance. I'm sure there are free games online that are similar, as far as I am to believe it's the actual games he enjoys and the money bit is just for access, winning is a bonus.
I really want to believe he's not a gambler. He's always been terrible with money, always!
STOP making excuses for him. Are you really that clueless that you think a bank would turn him down for a measly €500 overdraft because he's only been in a job less than five years? Banks give student overdrafts for almost the same amount!! I was given one in college (automatically), I didn't ask for it and I wasn't even in part-time work. They have denied your boyfriend a €500 overdraft coz there's something dodgy as hell going on in his accounts.
And you would be even more stupid if you married this guy. If you're married, his debts become yours. Judging by his lack of ability to pay for anything, you'll end up bailing him out.
I really believe you're in an abusive relationship - you are justifying his behaviour because he supposedly is so nice to you in every other aspect. Err how? He drains your account every month, he is an asshole to you, he is jealous of your accomplishments and he looks down his nose at you. Yet you think it's ok because he's not bad in the looks department and reckon he could have any woman he wanted. As someone else said, nobody else would want him because he is a good for nothing leech!
You've done great in your career, you should have the same high hopes and expectations for your personal life. Why settle for this scumbag when it's YOU who can do so much better.0 -
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Why the hell are you so afraid of having a conversation about your future with this guy? so what if it turns into the biggest row you have ever had? maybe that's what you need!
So what if his mother is a snob and does not approve of you, tell her you are raising her son, will shut her up quick enough.
You just haventh got low self esteem you have none, your so afraid to say boo to this guy yet you have been with him ten years? has he got you so under control that you cannot stand up for yourself?
There is enough warning signs here that to be honest if it was me I wouldn't even be having a conversation I would be packing my bags and saying adios FF.
I don't know why you even posted here your just blatantly ignoring all advice, you even have the great idea of opening a joint bank account with this guy? Do you understand how a joint bank account works? Your liable for everything, that's how it works!0 -
Hi OP,
I think its quite easy for people to sit on their computers and tell you how to run your relationship or tell you what type of person your partner is, however YOU are the only one that can decide whether he is the person for you and whether your relationship is worth saving.
If you felt the need to come to an internet forum to discuss this, you know in yourself something is wrong. Before you make another plan, you need to seriously consider that if you do not flag this behaviour now, this could be your life forever.
Its time to let go of the fear and face these issues (and I my opinion no one should belittle the person they love so unapologetically).
There is no point in beating around the bush - if he is an addict of some sort he will have no problem covering this up. the softly, hinty, gentle approach probably wont work. My advice would be to explain you need to speak about your concerns in a grown up manner. If he gets defensive so what. If he huffs and puffs. Let him. First you need to figure out what you need to know and what you feel needs to change and be sure of your wants and needs. Counselling can help with this.0 -
Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.
I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.
Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.
And how would he finance it?...
Not attacking - genuinely curious!0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.
I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.
Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.
Good for you OP. As someone said above - only you really know.
There's been an awful lot of posts here and there has been some good advice. I've been tempted to jump in a couple of times but I was concious of how much reading you already had.
I wish you all the very best OP. Take what's useful in this thread and discard the rest. Good Luck.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »
Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.
Certainly not my intention & apologies if it felt that way OP.
It is a lot to digest & I still feel your gut has been trying to tell you something to seek out counsel of strangers.
Do you speak/see his family at all? Do you have a friend you could confide in or better still a friend of his that could help you sort all this out?
Sometimes theres 1 pal who has been with him so long & isn't afraid to call him on his bs that may help to speak too, failing that a counselor for yourself?
& btw all the more congratulations on your success given your rta, can't have been easy. You really deserve your own pat on the back0 -
All I will say is gamblers are the most devious of deceivers. All you have to do is have him account for 1 months outgoings. That will tell the tale.0
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I'm going to play devil's advocate here and say that he might not be the gambling addict that people are rushing to paint him as here. Yes, he plays casino games and yes he burns through a lot of money. However as they say in statistics correlation doesn't imply causation.
The reason I say that is because if it turns out that he isn't blowing his cash on gambling there's the danger that the OP is going to think that he's perfectly good after all when the root of the problem will still exist.
So, regardless of what he's blowing his money, on he's still resentful of your wage, he still basically acts as a dependent to you and he still goes crying to his mother when things don't work out for him.
Those facts are still going to be true whether he's blowing his money on on-line casino games or fancy clothes and expensive toys.
I just think that people shouldn't get too side-tracked by the gambling thing since it hasn't been proven in any way and there are plenty of other proven issues that need to be tackled.0 -
Sorry OP, but something is seriously wrong here. There are people earning HALF his wage paying MORE than what he pays towards bills who are capable of of making it until payday without having to ask for pocket money.
He's absolutely taking you for a ride. You're his meal ticket.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it. It's a lot to take in and I don't even know still if it is a possibility. To be honest, if people here are right and he is manipulating me it means he's been lying to me the last 4 years anyway and I've been funding a habit which is not something I feel even ready to think about, not without further investigation. It makes me feel physically sick just the thought of it so give me a little break here.
I am the one putting off the wedding. I was quite badly injured in a RTA and really want to wait until reconstruction surgery and scars are all healed as best they can be. We'd be married already if it was up to him.
Thanks for all the advice but I feel like I'm just being shouted at here and that's not really a solution to anything.
Of course you'd be married already if it was up to him. You're his meal ticket! He blows all his money the first 2 weeks of the month (after contributing a measly sum to the household expenses) and then you bail him out and give him more money.
It'd be one thing if he was contributing a proper amount each month to the household expenses - then he could spend his extra money any way he wants. But he's not. You're not being shouted at. People are trying to make you realise how manipulative he is - you are just too blind to see it.0 -
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tinkerbell wrote: »Of course you'd be married already if it was up to him. You're his meal ticket! He blows all his money the first 2 weeks of the month (after contributing a measly sum to the household expenses) and then you bail him out and give him more money.
It'd be one thing if he was contributing a proper amount each month to the household expenses - then he could spend his extra money any way he wants. But he's not. You're not being shouted at. People are trying to make you realise how manipulative he is - you are just too blind to see it.
The OP will never see it. Well not at least til she is broke and in gambling debt up to her ears in 10 years time.0 -
Brussels Sprout wrote: »The reason I say that is because if it turns out that he isn't blowing his cash on gambling there's the danger that the OP is going to think that he's perfectly good after all when the root of the problem will still exist.
So, regardless of what he's blowing his money, on he's still resentful of your wage, he still basically acts as a dependent to you and he still goes crying to his mother when things don't work out for him.
Excellent point. How exactly he's blowing all his money is less important than how he treats OP - as his meal ticket, mammy replacement and object of constant derision.0 -
Excellent point. How exactly he's blowing all his money is less important than how he treats OP - as his meal ticket, mammy replacement and object of constant derision.
Compulsive gamblers are rarely nice people. They manipulate to feed their compulsion.
Over the years he has convinced the OP online gambling is the same as going on Facebook, €43 grand is a measly salary and his miserly contributions are more than enough and make him worthy of subbing his luncheons and other pocket money requirements as he has "somehow" run out of money though his lack of budgeting skills.
She wont see it til it's too late. She is the classic gambler's victim/enabler.0 -
Posters are reminded that this is the OP's thread. So please bear that in mind when replying. Take it that she is "here", in the room, so to speak, and talking about her rather than to her comes across as rude and a bit patronising.
Thanks all.0 -
I think maybe the fact that you earn a very large salary is blinding you to the fact that your partner actually earns a very decent salary himself. Like, lots. The average industrial wage here is 35kpa (according to the CSO) 43kpa is a lot more than most people earn, have a scope around jobs.ie to see what sort of salary is being offered to people at a moment. When you mentioned that he was weird about contributing to wedding presents I figured you were talking about someone earning in the low 20s. I'm genuinely really shocked that someone on the wage your partner earns, who is being subsidised in his living expenses can't manage past 2 weeks of the month on €2600 and can't get a €500 overdraft. No matter what the money is going on that's not the behaviour of a functioning adult.
Just look out for yourself here, seems like this guy has you in a really weird position head-wise. Who told you his mam doesn't think you're good enough for him because your dad is a factory worker? Him?0 -
I nearly fell off my chair when I saw how much your OH makes, Jesus like he's not on the breadline and that's for sure!
I'm not really buying the whole gambling addict tbh, at the end of it all that's speculation and while it *could* turn out to be true, we don't know for sure right now. I'd say you must have been in a bit of a state reading some of the replies. Is there any way at all you can have a look at his bank statements? Personally, I think he is blowing his funds on crap and then expecting money off you because you make more than him, and he's already shown you how he feels about your career and your better wage. Bitter. Seriously though OP, rule out gambling. If you find out he is in fact a gambler, then you can proceed in the direction you need to. Which in my opinion would be sending him off to his mammys so she can re-attach the umbilical cord!
I hope for your sake he isn't gambling all his money away, if he was just flittering it away on sh!te then at least you can tell him that ends now, or he can go feck off when he wants money off you.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »No, being totally upfront I 100% do not believe he has a gambling problem. By all accounts he seems to win on them all the time and he really does just do it for fun. When we are watching the TV he sometimes has the laptop open while he's playing and he only bets in denominations of €2 or €3 so it's not big bucks but if he runs out of money he transfers €10 and that seems to keep him going for a week. He just likes playing the games and chatting to other people playing. He never bets on sports or anything.
I am so sure he doesn't have a problem with this as i was concerned at the start when I didn't know anything about it and i thought it sounded suspect but he showed me the games and how to play them and it's just like the actual games he enjoys and you have to have a small amount of money in your account or you can't take part. So, some of his money does go towards it but he's won 400 and 500 sometimes so it's not costing him money as he doesn't spend much on it
I haven't read all the replies, so forgive me if it's been mentioned.
I work in the industry. Dear God, trust me he is losing far more than he is winning. Hours of play at €2 or €3 soon adds up- especially with casino games.
My friend's boyfriend plays poker online, and she has no problem with it because he literally starts with 20c of chips and poker is a game of skill. Yes there is a chance element, but you do need to have a clue about what you're doing. However online roulette and slots are completely and utterly games of chance. Like real casinos, players have good streaks and bad streaks- have you noticed him being a bad mood after he plays? Does he chase his losses? Stay up late playing?
All decently run companies have strategies in place to deal with problem gamblers. You may not think he has a problem, but they will close him down if he asks. This website might be a help. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/
Again you might think it's all very dramatic. But he will always lose at these games- and it's not like Facebook is for you. Facebook has a social element- this is the epitome of a solitary activity.
I know it's hypocritical, I rely on people like your boyfriend to eat (though hopefully not for too much longer, fingers crossed) but I could never, ever consider being with a person while they waste money in such a downright stupid way.0 -
anysolutionsunreg wrote: »A few hours ago I was adamant that he didn't have a problem with the internet games and I honestly thought he was spending max €50 a month...I still very much want to believe this.
However recently he applied for a €500 over draft from his bank and was refused. I thought this was really odd as I was under the impression they will give you at least half of your monthly salary. He said it was because he was in his job less than 5 years, which also sounded strange but I didn't doubt him, just thought the bank were useless or it might have been something to do with his erratic spending which would have been obvious.
We have been talking about buying a place, eventually. I really think he only spends a small amount on that betting site but maybe tonight, pay day, I'll suggest opening up a savings account that we both contribute too and also ad that that stuff looks really bad on his bank statement so to stop using it while we're saving to give ourselves the best chance. I'm sure there are free games online that are similar, as far as I am to believe it's the actual games he enjoys and the money bit is just for access, winning is a bonus.
I really want to believe he's not a gambler. He's always been terrible with money, always!
Just on this- I know for a fact that as gambling sites do show up in your bank transactions, banks are absolutely unmerciful if they see these companies show up.
Knowing people who work in credit control for a bank I know that if a person is in arrears with their mortgage yet they have money to burn on roulette the bank will rinse them completely.
Tread very, very carefully if you ever co-sign a mortgage with this man.
EDIT: Finally, I recently got a loan for SIX times your partner's putative overdraft and I am on literally half his wages. Banks are lending alright- they're just not lending to people who can't pay it back.0 -
I think he plays casino games online and occasionally wins and will use that money to buy something expensive like a laptop recently or watches, bikes and phones etc.4) BULL. Every one of those online games is available without spending a penny. I loved the texas hold-em poker myself (until weirdos started sending me fb requests to a private account designed not to be seen by anyone I don't know in real life!) but never once did it cost me a cent
There are also MULTIPLE freeroll tournies you can enter. He could play tiny low stakes. There is NO excuse. That is ridiculous. And if he was not an addict he could simply quit.
I have played poker online for a while and then just got bored. He could play with his mates.Wow, I'm not sure why you say I'm not heeding any advice? I came on here wondering how I could get him to feel more positive about our respective salaries with no inclination he may have a gambling issue and I'm now all of a sudden trying to comprehend all of it.
He DOES feel positive about your salaries ..he is very glad you earn what you do. Trust me.
He has a bad mean attitude towards you. And is at least partially living off you.I really think he only spends a small amount on that betting site but maybe tonight, pay day, I'll suggest opening up a savings account that we both contribute too and also ad that that stuff looks really bad on his bank statement so to stop using it while we're saving to give ourselves the best chance. I'm sure there are free games online that are similar, as far as I am to believe it's the actual games he enjoys and the money bit is just for access, winning is a bonus.
Good idea.Tread very, very carefully if you ever co-sign a mortgage with this man.
I second that. And the likelihood is he will put pressure to get more financially tied up with him.
To be honest all I here from you is low self esteem issues on your part and him being a nasty person.
I really hope you know you deserve love and better than him.0 -
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anysolutionsunreg wrote: »No, being totally upfront I 100% do not believe he has a gambling problem. By all accounts he seems to win on them all the time and he really does just do it for fun. When we are watching the TV he sometimes has the laptop open while he's playing and he only bets in denominations of €2 or €3 so it's not big bucks but if he runs out of money he transfers €10 and that seems to keep him going for a week. He just likes playing the games and chatting to other people playing. He never bets on sports or anything.
I am so sure he doesn't have a problem with this as i was concerned at the start when I didn't know anything about it and i thought it sounded suspect but he showed me the games and how to play them and it's just like the actual games he enjoys and you have to have a small amount of money in your account or you can't take part. So, some of his money does go towards it but he's won 400 and 500 sometimes so it's not costing him money as he doesn't spend much on it
Look, when a person has a gambling problem you only ever hear about the times they win big. What they aren't mentioning is all the times they lost, or when they won smaller amounts that they kept in there to gamble with. The fact that you only saw him deposit €10 doesn't mean anything. I used to work in the industry and I've seen people deposit €10 dozens of times a day to keep betting.
He is treating you like a cash cow and worse, has you believing that you are lucky to have him when really it is the other way around and he knows it. I hope you read all the replies on here and realise you deserve better than that.0
This discussion has been closed.
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