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Really down and lost over breakup

24

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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 178 ✭✭Paddy Bateman


    sam1111 wrote: »
    Hi,

    I very recently broke up with my long term girlfriend. We'd been together for 7 years and then a couple of days ago she ended things with me. She wanted to be care free and single. It came as a huge shock as only 2 days previous we were making big plans together which she was pushing and all excited about. I don't know where this has come from, she says she is confused but she knows this is what she wants. I obviously have no choice but to accept it.

    I'm shocked and really down about things. The problem is I've moved halfway across the world for this girl and then this happens. I'm now in a country where I have very few friends and tied down to a job. I feel really alone and trapped. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. I know people break up every day of the week and I should just man up and get on with it but I've never felt this down before. My chest hurts and I feel so lonely.

    I'm not really sure what I want to achieve by coming on here, I suppose I needed to turn somewhere for support. Thanks for listening

    Sam
    If you have no kids or no mortgage then you are never tied to a job. Stop feeling sorry off yourself - you are young free and single and likely have a few quid judging by you comments re job. A lot more fish in the sexual sea as they say - just move on


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    sam1111 wrote: »
    If you have no kids or no mortgage then you are never tied to a job. Stop feeling sorry off yourself - you are young free and single and likely have a few quid judging by you comments re job. A lot more fish in the sexual sea as they say - just move on

    If it were as easy as "just moving on" then the OP wouldn't be posting here and no one would ever need to post on boards.

    And as for him being tied to a job, I imagine he moved to Oz at great expense (visas etc). So he probably meant that he's not just going to pack it in after all that and is, as such, tied to a job. And he's not feeling sorry for himself, he's been through a break up of a 7 year relationship and an upheaval in terms of moving to the other side of the world in a very short space of time. Anyone would be down in his position.

    OP, I feel for you, I really do. Let her miss you. It might take a bit of time for her to realise she misses you and you both need space at the moment. But like you said, it's important that you're not waiting around for her. I'm a great believer in the saying if you love somebody set them free. If they're yours they'll come back. If they don't, they were never yours.

    I know it's hard to stay positive but try to focus on the positives. You're in fantastic country and have every chance to build a fantastic life over there. Focus on that for the moment to keep yourself busy. Start looking up social groups, classes, anything! Get out and get meeting people.

    Best of luck OP :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    Thanks Missy Moo Moo and everyone, appreciate the posts.

    I can see where people are coming from with the moving on thing. They are right. Unfortunately it's not as easy as that, well not for me anyway. It's just everything was left so sudden. She never explained what changed her mind, why she wanted to have her space. Everything was good a a week or so ago. Then she called the next night crying, said she was sorry and that she didn't mean to mess me around like that. A day later and she was back to square one again. I tried to plead with her but to no avail. Did she just want me to chase her again? Do she just need space or is there someone else involved? I have so many unanswered questions. On top of that she hasn't contacted me in 4 days, I know I asked her to not contact me but what does that mean her not even sending an sms to see if I'm ok?? I'm so confused, all I know is I'm not going to contact her again and I need to move on with my life because it's evident she won't be contacting me again since she hasn't already


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    sam1111 wrote: »
    Thanks Missy Moo Moo and everyone, appreciate the posts.

    I can see where people are coming from with the moving on thing. They are right. Unfortunately it's not as easy as that, well not for me anyway. It's just everything was left so sudden. She never explained what changed her mind, why she wanted to have her space. Everything was good a a week or so ago. Then she called the next night crying, said she was sorry and that she didn't mean to mess me around like that. A day later and she was back to square one again. I tried to plead with her but to no avail. Did she just want me to chase her again? Do she just need space or is there someone else involved? I have so many unanswered questions. On top of that she hasn't contacted me in 4 days, I know I asked her to not contact me but what does that mean her not even sending an sms to see if I'm ok?? I'm so confused, all I know is I'm not going to contact her again and I need to move on with my life because it's evident she won't be contacting me again since she hasn't already

    If you pleaded with this woman to change her mind and she hasn't then I am so sorry but you must read the writing on the wall. It is very very hard to move on and that is probably an understatement. It has to be one of the worst feelings in life.

    To answer your questions:

    No, she does not want you to chase her again, and don't do it, that will only make things worse:

    She is not asking for more space to think things out. She already had 7 years:

    It's irrelevant whether she has someone else or not:

    She is not contacting you because she feels guilty and contacting you makes her feel uncomfortable:

    It's not the end of the world Sam, you are a great guy and you will love again, you mark my words. It takes time to get over someone you have been with for 7 years, it can't be done in a week. So don't be hard on yourself. Wishing you every happiness for the future, you deserve it after this.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    Thanks Lorna,

    Well I wouldn't say pleaded, that was probably the wrong word. I tried to talk some sense into her, she said she was really confused but that was 4 days ago. I agree that it's over. I don't think I could get over the pain she has caused me or pretend it hasn't happened. I suppose I just wanted some closure. I know that's an overused term but I genuinely don't know what happened.

    I also thought she would be back in contact. She has always been indecisive with her choices in life, I thought this might have been another one of those times. And I don't know why she called me that night upset telling me she missed me


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    sam1111 wrote: »
    Thanks Lorna,

    Well I wouldn't say pleaded, that was probably the wrong word. I tried to talk some sense into her, she said she was really confused but that was 4 days ago. I agree that it's over. I don't think I could get over the pain she has caused me or pretend it hasn't happened. I suppose I just wanted some closure. I know that's an overused term but I genuinely don't know what happened.

    I also thought she would be back in contact. She has always been indecisive with her choices in life, I thought this might have been another one of those times. And I don't know why she called me that night upset telling me she missed me

    Sounds like she'll get in touch again I'd say. You need to be strong and ignore her from now on though, otherwise this will just drag out for you. I've lived in various places on my own and it's easy enough to meet people etc. You might be even more depressed if you moved home so try and make it down there for now, you're young etc.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    Thanks, I am going to try and stay here for as long as possible. After all i did leave a great job back home and the possibility of me getting employment at home are slim to none.

    It's just hard in a new place without my family and friends but that's life, I have no option but to get on with it. I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed that she has left me here and made no effort to explain why.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 mike0c


    Hi Sam,

    You need to try and move on with your life regardless of whether she gets back to you or not. From what you've said in your posts I do think she will get back in contact but at the same time what difference will that make. She has left it 4 days now, if she is confused or needed her space then 4 days is more than enough to find herself so it's just not acceptable.

    At the end of the day it's your call but I wouldn't be in any hurry to take her back


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭cynder


    Sam a friend of mine his girlfriend dumped him after 7 years, they were planning on getting married and so on, out of the blue she said it was over and that was that. The guy was heartbroken for 6 months or so and then after a year he met someone else, they now have a kid together and have been together for 5 years.



    Life goes on, it may be hard for the foreseeable future but it will get better. Sometimes things happen you dont like, but they do open new doors. Some doors have some might good adventures waiting behind them be ready for them....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    I feel like I keep repeating myself but again thank you for the responses.

    I think I'm starting to come to terms with it all, it was a crazy week for me. One in which not much else mattered but your honest responses have help and I hope ye all know how great it has been for the advice. She emailed me today out of the blue. She started by asking would I be able to send some stuff that I have to her sisters home. Then went on to tell me she was "really sorry how things ended" and that she "hopes one day I can forgive her".

    I'm really annoyed at this, firstly cause she sends it by email and secondly it's an absolutely pointless message, I don't have her sisters address and she knows that, why didn't she include it. We had agreed I'd send it to her friends house. I really don't know why she emailed me but it annoyed me how she went about it


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    sam1111 wrote: »
    I feel like I keep repeating myself but again thank you for the responses.

    I think I'm starting to come to terms with it all, it was a crazy week for me. One in which not much else mattered but your honest responses have help and I hope ye all know how great it has been for the advice. She emailed me today out of the blue. She started by asking would I be able to send some stuff that I have to her sisters home. Then went on to tell me she was "really sorry how things ended" and that she "hopes one day I can forgive her".

    I'm really annoyed at this, firstly cause she sends it by email and secondly it's an absolutely pointless message, I don't have her sisters address and she knows that, why didn't she include it. We had agreed I'd send it to her friends house. I really don't know why she emailed me but it annoyed me how she went about it


    I know its hard but don't analyse the email, it will just drive you round the bend. Who knows what she's thinking, doubt she even knows herself.

    My advice would be to reply and keep it civil and polite, don't acknowledge the bit about forgiveness etc. Just say "sure, send me your sisters address". Dont try and engage in any discussions. Just be brisk and business like.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    I replied by saying, "I'll do that, get your brother to send me on his address so I can send it". I hope that was ok?

    It felt weird and wrong being like that with each other, especially when you consider she was the one making the plans to come here, getting all excited about it all. Constantly calling and texting...to go from that to this just doesn't make sense. She has dealt with this whole situation in such a bad way, so out of character. She is usually very uncertain about her life choices at the best of times but it's been a week now. I'm annoyed at this email and really disappointed with her in general, really doesn't seem like the girl I knew for seven years.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    That response was perfect. Chin up - it will get better.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    sam1111 wrote: »
    I replied by saying, "I'll do that, get your brother to send me on his address so I can send it". I hope that was ok?

    It felt weird and wrong being like that with each other, especially when you consider she was the one making the plans to come here, getting all excited about it all. Constantly calling and texting...to go from that to this just doesn't make sense. She has dealt with this whole situation in such a bad way, so out of character. She is usually very uncertain about her life choices at the best of times but it's been a week now. I'm annoyed at this email and really disappointed with her in general, really doesn't seem like the girl I knew for seven years.

    That response was perfect. Not to sound bad but you don't want to come across as bitter and by the same token you don't want to come across over eager and friendly either. Best to be civil.

    I know it hurts but I promise you, you will get over it and one day you'll be amazed at how you're over it. What the time stamp on that is is anyones guess but don't try and rush the grieving process, it's essential for your recovery. I went through a break up last year and it hurt like hell. He was, like your ex, all keen to begin with, making plans for the future and then overnight, it ended. I thought I'd never get over it but I'm amazed at how good I'm feeling now, especially when that seemed like an impossibility not so long ago.

    As for how she's handling it, again that hurts like hell but not everyone is good at handling break ups. Just be glad and proud that you've handled it well and with dignity.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    A text from her late last night asking if I got the mail. I know she got my response so I have no idea why she sent it, I didn't text back anyway, but it feels like she's trying to mess with my head.

    I'm just going to continue to ignore her. She's just not worth the response the way she's treated me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    sam1111 wrote: »
    A text from her late last night asking if I got the mail. I know she got my response so I have no idea why she sent it, I didn't text back anyway, but it feels like she's trying to mess with my head.

    I'm just going to continue to ignore her. She's just not worth the response the way she's treated me.

    Oh seriously she is turning out to be a total head wreck. She wants your attention for an ego boost but on her terms. You are doing the right thing by ignoring her. If she keeps texting I would reply eventually and ask her to stop contacting you and to move on with her life :rolleyes:

    Dont get in any way emotional with her. its time for her to feel the repercussions of her decision and the best way for that to happen is to ignore her and to appear like you have moved on. thats the best 'closure' you can get.

    you are doing great - keep it up.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    I have no interest in responding. I just can't understand why she thinks that it's ok to do this when I asked her not to? I think she is showing her true colours now. After 7 years she ends it with very little explanation and no dialogue and then a week goes by and I get an email and a text. That's pretty shi*ty in my opinion


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    sam1111 wrote: »
    I have no interest in responding. I just can't understand why she thinks that it's ok to do this when I asked her not to? I think she is showing her true colours now. After 7 years she ends it with very little explanation and no dialogue and then a week goes by and I get an email and a text. That's pretty shi*ty in my opinion

    Exactly - she is behaving very badly. You deserve an explanation and you also deserve to have no contact if you so choose. She is ignoring what you want on all levels.

    She probably wont give you an honest reason so dont bother asking. Just tell her again, if she contacts you that you have no interest in staying in contact with her. Its only to make herself feel less guilty and for an ego boost to be honest.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's not right at all she is doing this. It is so selfish and really is a true reflection of her character. But, seeing her in this light will actually help you to move on. We can have awful rose-coloured glasses for someone. You dodged a bullet here OP, it might have been 7 years but at least you didnt waste another one. You deserve a woman who would never let you down, not an insecure girl who can't make up her mind. I agree with the above poster that you are handling it so well - not everyone would be able to not cave in so well done.

    By the way - don't let this make you disillusioned with relationships in general - not everyone would do this. Be prepared for the fact that she will probably contact you more and more the more you ignore her, it seems to be going this way - and have a plan to deal with it. It just goes to show you how little she is considering your feelings by doing this.

    Damn right that a sh*ty email and a text is not good enough - it's the cowardly way of making sure that you are still an option for her. If she really gave a damn she would pick up the phone and call you.

    Honestly, you could spend days, weeks, months and years trying to figure out why she was so full on one minute, dumping you the next, and contacting you afterwards to keep you hanging on, but you will never find a solid answer you will be happy with. Chances are she has absolutely no idea herself! All you need to know is that it happened, and it is not good enough, her feelings were not strong enough if she could do this, that is all you need to know. You still may be analysing it for a few more months but eventually it won't matter why, gauranteed.

    Go easy on yourself for the next while...treat yourself somehow over the weekend, you will come out the better for this, and you can hold your head up high with how you behaved in the relationship, she cannot say the same.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    Right, I was ok and going strong but she's after posting a very weird status on facebook and two pictures of a new guy, she has also just added him as a friend. She's definitely drunk posting this, I can tell by her status, which is 100% out of character of her(the status part). To be honest I'm close to cracking inside...my stomach is in knots. By the looks of the status and all that she is with this guy which is killing me. I don't know what to do, I know it seems like something childish to be upset over but it's hard to pretend it's not there


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You poor thing, that's awful. Delete her off Facebook now. She may have been with him or maybe she is putting it up to get to you and make you jealous because you didn't take the bait. The second part seems more likely. Either way that is so disrespectful, even if you had been broken up a long time. It's not childish that you're upset, and I suspect she knows exactly what it is doing to you and that's why she put it up.

    It sounds like she wants to keep you hanging on at any costs. If she was with him there was no point in putting it up on Facebook except to hurt you. Delete her and promise yourself never to look at her page again. Otherwise you will be on it obsessively analysing everything. What you don't know can't hurt you.

    Of course it hurts like hell but you're better than this - you will get through this - there will be so much more to your life than this - but expect ups and downs - feeling good like you're doing well one minute and awful the next. But remember - these few weeks are the worst you will ever feel - it will only get better from here.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    sam1111 wrote: »
    Right, I was ok and going strong but she's after posting a very weird status on facebook and two pictures of a new guy, she has also just added him as a friend. She's definitely drunk posting this, I can tell by her status, which is 100% out of character of her(the status part). To be honest I'm close to cracking inside...my stomach is in knots. By the looks of the status and all that she is with this guy which is killing me. I don't know what to do, I know it seems like something childish to be upset over but it's hard to pretend it's not there

    It may seem obvious but you need to delete her off facebook as you'll just drive yourself round the bend. Bear in mind facebook is often used by people to convince others of the great life they're leading. Just delete her and let her facebook showing off fall on deaf ears.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Bear in mind facebook is often used by people to convince others of the great life they're leading.

    Exactly she doesnt have you feeding her ego anymore so she needs attention from elsewhere.. delete, delete, delete - its the only way to feel better.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 903 ✭✭✭Herrick


    sam1111 wrote: »
    Right, I was ok and going strong but she's after posting a very weird status on facebook and two pictures of a new guy, she has also just added him as a friend. She's definitely drunk posting this, I can tell by her status, which is 100% out of character of her(the status part). To be honest I'm close to cracking inside...my stomach is in knots. By the looks of the status and all that she is with this guy which is killing me. I don't know what to do, I know it seems like something childish to be upset over but it's hard to pretend it's not there

    Sam, you really should have deleted her a few days back. Being able to view her profile and what shes upto will only upset you more and hinder you moving on.

    Trust me, its for the best and I hope you'll feel better.

    EDIT: Come to think of it, with the way shes been headwrecking you, for all we know she could have posted that status and those pics to get a reaction out of you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    Yes I know I need to delete her. I honestly can't deal with that right now, seeing she's moved on so quick.

    Herrick wrote: »
    EDIT: Come to think of it, with the way shes been headwrecking you, for all we know she could have posted that status and those pics to get a reaction out of you.

    If this is the case then she has made herself look very bad to everyone with the pictures and status. I'm shocked by them, very out of character


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    sam1111 wrote: »
    Yes I know I need to delete her. I honestly can't deal with that right now, seeing she's moved on so quick.

    She hasn't moved on at all- far from it, she's trying to make it look as if she has by posting out of character status updates and photos. Pathetic. Anyway if she is involved with this guy, which she might not be, it's nothing more than a rebound.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    I know other people have bigger problems, I feel like I'm draggin mine on too long butI thought I was doing ok until I saw that. I can't believe it, her status update is unbelievable. I'd swear it wasn't her that wrote it un for I know it was, and the pics are bad too! I don't know what she's playing at, it looks bad on her to others regardless. I've know her before we started dating and she would never be like that. I've never seen anyone put stuff like that on facebook


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 240 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    How bad was the status? If you don't mind me asking. Ignore if you don't want to answer


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 sam1111


    It was pretty bad, she just said she's going out on the pull. I thought maybe it was someone else but backed up by the pictures she's just added too then it looks like a bit more.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,117 ✭✭✭Defiler Of The Coffin


    sam1111 wrote: »
    It was pretty bad, she just said she's going out on the pull. I thought maybe it was someone else but backed up by the pictures she's just added too then it looks like a bit more.

    Keeping her as a friend on Facebook is the equivalent of constantly picking at a scab. It's not going to heal unless you leave it be. Others here have advised you to delete her as friend, you should follow this advice. Don't delay - do it now. Your heart will tell you not to do it, that you are being somehow unfair to her but just go ahead and do it. Within minutes you will feel liberated! Trust me man, you will be taking back power from her and her attention-seeking nonsense will have been for naught.

    FWIW, reading through this thread you seem like a really great guy, you mightn't be able to see it but you have a lot going for you. Focus on enjoying yourself for the next while and experience Australia as best you can. You will meet someone when the time is right!


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