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A self-destructive behavioural pattern, advice?

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  • 20-07-2014 9:09pm
    #1
    Deranged96
    Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭


    I'm an 18 year old gay guy, not out {except to a couple of friends}

    My problem really is that I go after girls and enjoy shifting girls , which doesn't sound like a problem but has turned into one. I enjoy pulling but also feel the pressure to pull most night out, as a sort of security to safeguard against people questioning my sexuality {I'm half paranoid about that}

    That in itself wouldn't be a problem but i'm apparently incapable of the oul shift and drift. Its because of this that I ended up in a relationship with a girl, the relationship went on for a few months until denying her access to my - eh man parts- couldn't be put off any longer and things didn't exactly workout if you get my meaning.... after that disaster I bared all to her and to her everlasting credit she didn't freak out or run off and out me to her friends, she was completly sound about it and she is without doubt one of my best friends now :)

    But now the same thing is happening with another girl and we've been shifting and texting for a few weeks. She is a cool oul girl and she's sound out and great craic and she's part of my group of friends and we're all going to a music festival next month and she's said a few things about the implications of sharing a tent that have me worried.

    I'm really just looked for advice on the situation and how to handle myself a bit better in the future.... any reply is much appreciated :)
    J.

    +also my title is probably melodramatic but if you can't have melodrama here where can you :)


Comments

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    #2
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Look - I'm going to be blunt here. You can't be using girls as a cover up. It's unfair on them, unfair on you, nobody wins. People are suspecting your sexuality, sure, but you're just going to have to be able to stand up and just say you have other things in your life you need to sort out. Want to fix this? Put the brakes on and don't encourage it to continue! Tell her that you're worried about this going on, and you have some other issues going on and don't want a relationship out of it. You only have yourself to blame if you let it go to a stage where you can't easily back out, then it caves in.

    As for coming out - that's a journey you have to take yourself, I can't really tell you the right and wrong things to say there because it comes naturally. Just know this - you're living in a country where being gay has less and less stigma attached to it and is quite widely accepted and embraced by others.


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    #3
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    What are you gonna do when the girl you're doing this with doesn't like what you tell her, she feels used, lied to and very embarrassed, annoyed and/or confused, and decides to turn on you and tell everyone?

    Stop doing this, it's not fair on anyone. If you feel like you can't go out without "pulling" someone, then maybe you need to stop going out until you have sorted out the issues you have before someone gets really hurt over this. The vast majority of people can go on a night out, not pull someone and they don't have your sexuality questioned by their friends. Honestly, if your friends think you must be gay if you can't pull every weekend, what sort of people are you socialising with?


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    #4
    Deranged96
    Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    Thanks lads.
    At the risk of sounding whiny now I do think ye're painting it a bit black and white.. Its not like i'm a robot on a mission I do actually develop feelings for said women... its just that the mind is willing and the body isn't.
    But yup, regardless of that it doesn't make a difference in the end, and there is no good reason for me to get entangled in those situations and end up hurting people.
    That last bit you said there Paddy puts things in perspective because my friends are all fantastic , cheers


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    #5
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    Deranged96 wrote: »
    Thanks lads.
    At the risk of sounding whiny now I do think ye're painting it a bit black and white.. Its not like i'm a robot on a mission I do actually develop feelings for said women... its just that the mind is willing and the body isn't.
    But yup, regardless of that it doesn't make a difference in the end, and there is no good reason for me to get entangled in those situations and end up hurting people.
    That last bit you said there Paddy puts things in perspective because my friends are all fantastic , cheers

    Those aren't "feelings". It's just friendship. The fact that you're shifting her makes you put a little bit of extra emphasis on the friendship, to the point you might confuse it with feelings.

    But trust me, if the body isn't willing it's not "feelings." And when you finally meet a guy and develop real "feelings", then you will know how far away from "feelings" it all was.

    I would agree with the other peoples advise - except the bit where you cryptically say you don't want a relationship because you are working on a few things.

    Depending on the girl and how she feels about you, that might either lead her on a bit in that she might think you genuinely like her but need some time or it might encourage her to start asking questions you don't want to answer.

    I'd be blunt but gentle and say you really like her as a friend but you don't see yourself in a relationship with her, so you think it's best for both of you if you stop now rather than risk damaging your friendship.

    Whatever you do tell her, make sure she knows it's a final answer. And do tell her, you don't want to look back in a years time after breaking some girls heart or stringing her alone and realise how badly you behaved


  • Options
    #6
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    The issue though isn't so much that you are unable to deal with your own feelings, but it's what you are doing to other people's. Shifting girls, becoming friends with them and leading them on for months when all the while you know you aren't romantically interested in them or able to perform with them sexually, and all for the sake of appearing to be a stud in the eyes of your social circle is terrible, regardless if you are gay or straight. You are essentially taking advantage of these girls, whether you think it or not. Plus you're playing with their emotions and that isn't gonna end well when it all comes out, which it always does. Save yourself and these girls a lot of heartache and stop doing this now.

    You can go out at the weekend, have fun with your friends, not pull a girl and not be seen as gay. To think otherwise is incredibly childish and immature. If this is the pressure (as you put it) that you find yourself under from these friends of yours, perhaps a break from them or some new friends are in order.

    Imagine it was the other way around and someone you had been shifting for a while and were really getting to like turned round and did this to you after months of leading you on. How do you think you'd feel?


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    #7
    Deranged96
    Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    Ugh Okey dokey... Pretty clear what I've to do so. Sound guys!


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    #8
    Mr.Frame
    Registered Users Posts: 766 ✭✭✭Mr.Frame


    Be true to yourself, be fair to others and don't hurt anyone.


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    #9
    Lou.m
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    You will only hurt yourself in the long run. You will wreck your own life and others.

    Don't make unnecessary bad karma.


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