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Kids find their dad boring

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  • 09-04-2014 9:56pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I have two boys, 5 and 6. I am separated from their dad. They go to their dads every other weekend, but - something I have suspected for a while now - they are bored with him. He seems to make no effort with them. Even when he rings, they roll their eyes and say he asks the same questions, doesn't listen to them etc. Basically he isn't treating them like the little adults they are. I find this so sad, as I want them to have a good relationship with their father, but he is non commital, sometimes too physical with them, and now they are retaliating (pretending to be sick, asking to stay at home etc).
    What do I do? Can the children choose not to go, or do they have to go, <mod snip> as stated in separation agreement? We are almost legally separated, not quite. So maybe I can make changes? He will definately fight this of course.
    I am demented with worry, please help.


Comments

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    #2
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP we cannot offer legal advice here, so I have removed that request from your OP.
    Also if you think this would be better in the parenting forum please let me know and I will move it.


  • Options
    #3
    Shivers26
    Closed Accounts Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Shivers26


    Is mediation an option? It is always best to try to work things out amicably where possible. Just from another perspective, even though I am sure you adore your boys, you need a break too and they can't be let rule the roost as such.

    Maybe suggest the kids bring games or something to play when they are with their dad. Once they are being properly cared for you don't have a whole lot to worry about. If you feel he is being too rough with them (play fighting or whatever), maybe just mention that to him.


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    #4
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    Shivers26 wrote: »
    Maybe suggest the kids bring games or something to play when they are with their dad. Once they are being properly cared for you don't have a whole lot to worry about. If you feel he is being too rough with them (play fighting or whatever), maybe just mention that to him.

    This is good advice.
    Ask them why they are bored, then get them to bring things to alleviate the boredom. Even have a set of toys or books they leave at their dad's, as it should become a home away from home. Obviously there must be tension in your relationship with their dad but could you let him know why they aren't enthusiastic about being with him? Just gently mention that "they say they are often bored, so they are going to bring some extra toys/ maybe you could play X with them/ they mentioned the park or beach this week, would you mind taking them?". Maybe their dad is finding it hard to come up with ideas and forgets that they are not as comfortable in his home as they are in their own.


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    #5
    No Pants
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,347 ✭✭✭No Pants


    weekll75 wrote: »
    He seems to make no effort with them. Even when he rings, they roll their eyes and say he asks the same questions, doesn't listen to them etc. Basically he isn't treating them like the little adults they are.
    This to me, especially the bit I've bolded, sounds like he's knackered. I don't know how much interaction you have with him, but what's his work situation like, his living circumstances, etc. Does he look or sound tired to you?


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    #6
    Shivers26
    Closed Accounts Posts: 639 ✭✭✭Shivers26


    No Pants wrote: »
    This to me, especially the bit I've bolded, sounds like he's knackered. I don't know how much interaction you have with him, but what's his work situation like, his living circumstances, etc. Does he look or sound tired to you?

    I don't mean to sound callous but that is not her problem if he is tired. He only has the kids every second weekend, if he can't cope or needs a break then he needs to communicate this to the kids mother. Otherwise, once their needs are being met on a practical level, she has nothing else to worry about.

    Organising a box of toys and games to leave in dads house could be an easy solution. If they are anything like my 6 year old, they will have plenty to spare. You don't say what your relationship is like with your ex but I understand there could also be financial constraints for him and may not be possible to pay for days out but kicking a football in the park costs nothing. If things are any way amicable, try to have a chat with him.


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    #7
    No Pants
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,347 ✭✭✭No Pants


    Shivers26 wrote: »
    I don't mean to sound callous but that is not her problem if he is tired. He only has the kids every second weekend, if he can't cope or needs a break then he needs to communicate this to the kids mother. Otherwise, once their needs are being met on a practical level, she has nothing else to worry about.

    Organising a box of toys and games to leave in dads house could be an easy solution. If they are anything like my 6 year old, they will have plenty to spare. You don't say what your relationship is like with your ex but I understand there could also be financial constraints for him and may not be possible to pay for days out but kicking a football in the park costs nothing. If things are any way amicable, try to have a chat with him.
    Depends on your outlook and intentions. If the OP wants this to become confrontational, then that's the way to go about it. I didn'tsay to make allowances, but if the problem isn't understood and the impact explained, then it's not going to go away. If someone is tired, they may not know that it's affecting more than them personally.

    As you say, a chat is the best way forward.


  • Options
    #8
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Maybe OP your question should be how can I put measures in place to allow my children have a better access interaction with their dad NOT do they have to go, can they choose etc . You need to support each other's parenting in short..

    Your agreement needs to allow your ex husband the means to adequately accommodate and care for the children and have a good relationship with them. Borrowing "toys from mams " can lead to problems and is sometimes demeaning. Please consider this.


  • Options
    #9
    Smothered mum
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭Smothered mum


    OP your ex may not even realise this children feel this way, I think as others have suggested that a quiet calm word might help him to see clearly what he needs to do. Hope it all works out :)


  • Options
    #10
    rambutman
    Closed Accounts Posts: 287 ✭✭rambutman


    weekll75 wrote: »
    Hi,

    I have two boys, 5 and 6. I am separated from their dad. They go to their dads every other weekend, but - something I have suspected for a while now - they are bored with him. He seems to make no effort with them. Even when he rings, they roll their eyes and say he asks the same questions, doesn't listen to them etc. Basically he isn't treating them like the little adults they are. I find this so sad, as I want them to have a good relationship with their father, but he is non commital, sometimes too physical with them, and now they are retaliating (pretending to be sick, asking to stay at home etc).
    What do I do? Can the children choose not to go, or do they have to go, <mod snip> as stated in separation agreement? We are almost legally separated, not quite. So maybe I can make changes? He will definately fight this of course.
    I am demented with worry, please help.

    Personally at 5 and 6 i wouldn't consider kids as young adults

    What exactly does he do with them at the weekend. What exactly do you mean by too physical? Is there physical abuse going on? Most boys I know like a bit of rough and tumble......or is it that he makes them do active things and they like more to sit around

    What do you do when they roll their eyes? Do you allow this? Thats pretty disrespectful and rude.

    My kids mother has pretty bad broken english - when the kids are on the phone to her they often get distracted and start drifting off or playing with toys - i have to keep reminding them to listen to their mother and talk to her - ask her how her day was as well. Its your responsibilty to encourage them to have respect for their father too.

    What do the kids do to keep active/interested in your home?

    My own son (9) likes to play the computer. He thinks drawing, art, playing boards games is boring so if i make him do this all weekend he would consider this boring.....so with that in mind if his mother lets him play the computer or watch TV and i make him do what he considers boring then he's going to consider coming to my house as boring. If she lets him stay up late every night and i make him go to bed at 9.....he's going to consider that boring.

    My daughter (7) doesn't like eating her fruit and vegetables, her mother lets her eat what she wants.........when she comes to my house she's not happy cos the food is what she classes boring even though its better for her.

    As far as the phone goes - some people just don't like overly communicating on the phone, i find it much more beneficial (especially with kids) to have them there in front of you so you can verify they understand what you are saying.

    At 5 and 6 they are too young to be deciding where they want to go - especially if its based on the perceived "fun factor".

    I don't believe you're going to find a judge that will base an access arrangement based on the amount of fun the kids are having in one location or another.

    Now don't get me wrong above - i'm just trying to play devils advocate because your post leaves too many questions unanswered for me.

    If what you say is actually true in that they are doing nothing or he is actually making no effort then maybe you need to first talk to him about it. Other approaches would include asking him before every weekend "what are you going to do with them"......"what activities have you planned etc,etc"

    It can't be all fun times either - they need to do stuff that they might not find fun like reading, going for walks etc, etc.


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    #11
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Smothered mum wrote: »
    OP your ex may not even realise this children feel this way, I think as others have suggested that a quiet calm word might help him to see clearly what he needs to do. Hope it all works out :)

    I know you mean well but there is a big chance this approach will cause offence and hence be counter productive. Look at your language - "what he needs need to do" - it's very one sided . I would take offence if my ex told me what I "needed to do" to parent my own kids - as rightly would she if I did so .

    The OP needs view this and present this as a team effort . As I said previously they must parent together - she needs to neutrally present this as a problem yes but not apportion blame . The approach must be "what can WE do to help improve their access time ?"

    As an aside I'd remind the OP that some mums find the opposite with dads treating access time as "rule free time" - no regular meals , wall to wall takeaway, no bedtime , chewing gum allowed etc etc


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    #12
    MayoAreMagic
    Registered Users Posts: 2,922 ✭✭✭MayoAreMagic


    Agree with rambutman. 5 and 6 year olds being young adults? I dont think so. They are kids who just want to play and have fun all the time. If they actually were young adults they would be making an effort to see their dad and spend time with him, because they would be wise enough to know how much they mean to him and that as their father he should be respected. No 5 and 6 year olds are doing that, because they are kids.

    As for rolling their eyes at their dad in front of their mum. In my opinion, they shouldnt be getting away with that.

    The impression I get is that there is no unity between you and their father, you are not a team. In fact maybe you enjoy the fact that they enjoy their time wit you more?


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    #13
    Tramps Like Us
    Registered Users Posts: 1,066 ✭✭✭Tramps Like Us


    At five and six I suspect this reaction is somewhat projected on them by yourself


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    #14
    singledad80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 142 ✭✭singledad80


    I don't understand that dad, I love having my son and he loves been with his daddy just as much, His mother though doesn't spend time with any of her kids she just sends them to their rooms not like when we where together we would walk every where and I just plan stuff without telling them and drag them alone to have a great day, May be he is just depressed and needs some one to talk to him


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    #15
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    There opinion will 100% not be taken into account in court, children would need to be at least 12/13 before its even considered and then it doesn't mean things pan out the way they want, its just taken into account.

    I think your attiude is pretty pathetic to be honest, I see it all the time and in the majority of cases its the mothers bad atitude toward the dad projected onto the children. There bored so they don't want to go, would you allow them to stay off school if they were bored?!! I think not.

    As others have said, dad may not even know the children feel this way, you should encourage them to tell dad what they like, what they want to do, brings things for their home with you over to their home with dad...


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