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Opinions on Cheating?

  • 04-02-2012 11:44pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 10


    What are your opinions on a cheating boyfriend?

    do you think its possible that your boyfriend can cheat on you purely for the sex and sexual benefits and really love you?
    i've had a recent experience with a cheating boyfriend and part of me believes he did it just for the sex since he wasnt getting it from me too often?

    i have also cheated in a relationship, just a kiss - a spur of the moment thing but really and truly loved my boyfriend.

    Can someone cheat but really love the person they cheated on? 217 votes

    Yes
    0%
    No
    35%
    Unknownpclancydarkmaster2Chips LovellJoe10000surdahPlayboyKorvanicaWibbsstrobeDudessTimeKev.Rented MuleA.PartridgedobsdaveBirdsterTropheusbaby and crumbleorchidsrpretty 77 votes
    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    64%
    UnknownsamhailBeruthielChinafootWompa1CathyMoranCutie18Irelanddory[Deleted User]BodhidharmaIckle MagooWurlyEGARhobochrisCatari JaguarmoceriAbreanpurplegekoClare BearDevilsBreath 140 votes


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,424 ✭✭✭Storminateacup


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    I don't think so. Is the cheating pre meditated? Is it a one time thing or a regular "just sex" thing? One time is bad enough but it wouldn't nessessarily mean he didn't really love you.

    If it's regular -- I'm not so sure. You don't do something like that to a person you love. If you're unhappy with an aspect of a relationship with someone you love, you try work through it, you don't give up and look elsewhere.

    Also someone that really loves you would never put your health at risk, STIs ect, or delibrately turn your entire life upside down.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 35,943 Mod ✭✭✭✭dr.bollocko


    To pre-suppose that there is an answer to your question which applies to all people who have cheated is to over-simplify the situation.
    The situation is too complex to boil it down to a simple answer.

    What do you think?

    Cos really, at the end of the day, that's about all that matters tbh.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 460 ✭✭murraykil


    pinkx101 wrote: »
    What are your opinions on a cheating boyfriend?

    do you think its possible that your boyfriend can cheat on you purely for the sex and sexual benefits and really love you?
    i've had a recent experience with a cheating boyfriend and part of me believes he did it just for the sex since he wasnt getting it from me too often?

    i have also cheated in a relationship, just a kiss - a spur of the moment thing but really and truly loved my boyfriend.

    You have answered your own question . . .


  • Registered Users Posts: 10 pinkx101


    I don't think so. Is the cheating pre meditated? Is it a one time thing or a regular "just sex" thing? One time is bad enough but it wouldn't nessessarily mean he didn't really love you.

    If it's regular -- I'm not so sure. You don't do something like that to a person you love. If you're unhappy with an aspect of a relationship with someone you love, you try work through it, you don't give up and look elsewhere.

    Also someone that really loves you would never put your health at risk, STIs ect, or delibrately turn your entire life upside down.

    my boyfriend cheated on me on two occasions, the first time he had sex with his ex and i broke up with him for a few months and in them few months he constantly kept in touch with me and wanted to get back together, i figure he had sex with her because i wasn't ready for sex and it had been a good while since he had it. i finally gave in and decided to give him a second chance. The second time he cheated on me was on new years eve, he kissed another girl, part of me thinks this was because i chose to go out with my friends instead of spending it with him.

    i will admit i wasn't the best girlfriend i could have been, i valued my friends more than i valued him. i never really put him first even though he always put me first. He did anything for me and i guess he was deprived of some attention.

    could these be the reasons he cheated?


  • Registered Users Posts: 10 pinkx101


    murraykil wrote: »
    You have answered your own question . . .

    partially true but when i cheated it was just a kiss, im talking more about sex and other sexual activities. not that i condone kissing other people when in a relationship but i don't think of it as being as serious as having sex with someone. would you cheat on someone just for sex and still love you girl/boyfriend?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 429 ✭✭johnners2981


    pinkx101 wrote: »
    my boyfriend cheated on me on two occasions, the first time he had sex with his ex and i broke up with him for a few months and in them few months he constantly kept in touch with me and wanted to get back together, i figure he had sex with her because i wasn't ready for sex and it had been a good while since he had it. i finally gave in and decided to give him a second chance. The second time he cheated on me was on new years eve, he kissed another girl, part of me thinks this was because i chose to go out with my friends instead of spending it with him.

    i will admit i wasn't the best girlfriend i could have been, i valued my friends more than i valued him. i never really put him first even though he always put me first. He did anything for me and i guess he was deprived of some attention.

    could these be the reasons he cheated?

    You shouldn't be making excuses for him, if he was deprived of attention or felt you weren't being a good gf he should of said so or left the relationship.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 460 ✭✭murraykil


    pinkx101 wrote: »
    partially true but when i cheated it was just a kiss, im talking more about sex and other sexual activities. not that i condone kissing other people when in a relationship but i don't think of it as being as serious as having sex with someone. would you cheat on someone just for sex and still love you girl/boyfriend?

    I would question whether I really and truly loved my partner if I could consider cheating as just a kiss. It shows a lack of respect for your partner and I don't think love can be real and true without respect.

    national-margarita-day.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,943 ✭✭✭wonderfulname


    pinkx101 wrote: »
    partially true but when i cheated it was just a kiss, im talking more about sex and other sexual activities. not that i condone kissing other people when in a relationship but i don't think of it as being as serious as having sex with someone. would you cheat on someone just for sex and still love you girl/boyfriend?

    I wouldn't, and it's a respect and trust thing, not a love thing. Cheating implies going behind someones back, or doing something without their knowledge or consent, that's bad form.
    Some couples have open relationships, it wouldn't work for me but I won't judge, but it just illustrates the point that the act itself isn't the real issue when it comes to cheating.

    You keep pushing for answers to relate to your own situation, don't! Everyones situation and perspective is different, and nobody knows yours well enough to comment, figure it out for yourself, you're the only one who can.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,424 ✭✭✭Storminateacup


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    For example - if my fiancé stopped having sex with me or spent all his time with his buddies, I'd talk to him (argue with him) about what the problem was, and if it still wasn't resolved, clearly it's not meant to be and we would break up so as we could be both be happier with other people.

    I wouldn't have sex with my ex and justify it with "well you weren't ready" or "you were with your friends". It's disrespectful.

    And i'd expect him to do the same, tbh.


  • Registered Users Posts: 892 ✭✭✭mariebeth


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    This is one of the only areas where I'm totally black & white on this. If I was going out with someone, and he cheated on me, I would find it totally unforgiveable. I would personally feel that anyone who cheats on their boyfriend/girlfriend, has a lack of respect and love for the person that they're cheating on.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 974 ✭✭✭BarackPyjama


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    You're not truly in love with someone if you're having sex with someone else behind their back. Make absolutely no mistake about that whatsoever.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    pinkx101 wrote: »
    What are your opinions on a cheating boyfriend?

    do you think its possible that your boyfriend can cheat on you purely for the sex and sexual benefits and really love you?

    No...because loving someone isn't just about what's of benefit to us, it's also about being respectful and avoiding hurting them.
    pinkx101 wrote: »
    i've had a recent experience with a cheating boyfriend and part of me believes he did it just for the sex since he wasnt getting it from me too often?

    I think that's a lousy excuse for having sex with someone else unless you both agreed your relationship was an open one...otherwise it's just having your cake and eating it with little to no regard re hurting your partner (see above).
    pinkx101 wrote: »
    i have also cheated in a relationship, just a kiss - a spur of the moment thing but really and truly loved my boyfriend.

    I obviously am not about to tell you how you felt but for me, that just doesn't compute. When I really and truly love a partner, I don't want to hurt them - and that coupled with a spot of self restraint means cheating is just not on the menu...the only relationships I've cheated in I've realised I was actually a bit "meh" about and ended.

    If I'm attracted to someone else or wanting to play the field, then I'm infinitely happier in myself single than cheating/lying/being dishonest whatever with a partner...I know some people don't think it's a big deal but it's just not my bag.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    No
    No...because loving someone isn't just about what's of benefit to us, it's also about being respectful and avoiding hurting them.
    Bingo. It's all too often been my experience over the years that a surprising amount of people really don't get this. When they say "I love you", the "I" is more in play than the "you". It's much more about how the other makes them feel, rather than how the other feels. EG you see it when couples break up. Let's say the woman leaves, you'll hear the guy say "but but I love you!!" as if this makes a diff even if he's been a gobsheen. Again less about the other and how they might feel. Or unrequited love types. "Why doesn't he/she love me? After all I love him/her". Again it's all terribly subjective and self centered.

    Ditto for cheating. Are there different levels of cheating? Certainly IMHO. Is it always black and white? Hell no. However again IMHO 9 outa 10 times self centred mindsets are behind that decision to take that step.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    No
    As for the question "Can someone cheat but really love the person they cheated on?", I'd say yes with caveats. There are different kinds of love an there are different kinds of romantic love. There's the romeo and juliet early stages love, then the more mature* version of long term love, with an overlap in the middle(IME the most likely time for a breakup).

    IMHO You can have someone who truly loves their partner in the mature relationship way, but hankers after the early stage in love excitement(both sexual and emotional). They then cheat to get that. It's doubly exciting because of the fear of discovery. Those types generally wont leave the primary relationship. IME that's usually more a "married" man one.

    Then you have the overlap cheaters with a purpose. The primary relationship has lost it's spark. However they may still "love" the person, just "not in that way" anymore. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" scenario. Fear of singledom keeps them in the relationship, but they have one eye open for the replacement person. IME that's usually more a woman thing.

    Both are self centered and what I've noted about cheating types(and IMHO there is a type if they're repeat offenders) is that they are self centered as mentioned, usually emotionally immature and are also good at lying to themselves and reinventing memories in their heads to suit themselves. The lying to others is a given, but the former makes the latter so easy.






    * I use mature in the sense of time, rather than as a reflection on personal development.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    For me, love is tied in with trust and respect. Those two are the the foundations, like the bottom corners of a triangle, and without them you cant build love.

    If someone cheats, in my opinion, they may think they love their partner, but they dont respect them. If your partner cheats you cant trust them so the loving bit at the top of the pyramid falls down.

    Even things like slagging off your partner/ moaning constantly/ gossiping his secrets on to your friends about him/her is disrespectful so its nearly as bad as kissing someone else, in my book. If you moan so much, why on earth are you with this person?

    My yardstick is "would it hurt my partner?" if the answer is yes, then its enough for me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 MGHOW


    No
    A man can cheat on a woman with it being solely a sexual endeavor, separate from whatever romantic interests he may have. But, any man self-indulgent enough to do such a thing is nothing but a disingenuous fool not worth a good woman's love. Women do posses quite a large tendency to only go for these types though, and then blame the majority of men (most of whom are decent) for their actions.

    Why is the question only about men cheating though? From my experience, women seem to cheat more than men on average, despite outdated cultural notions.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    MGHOW permabanned after learning zip from their last holiday.

    Since you have shown yourself unable or unwilling to respect the charter of this forum; instead choosing to indulge in inflammatory generalisations and whataboutery, this clearly isn't the forum for you.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,540 ✭✭✭Giselle


    pinkx101 wrote: »
    What are your opinions on a cheating boyfriend?

    There are almost as many reasons for cheating as there are cheaters, its simply too big and too grey a question for a black and white answer.

    So my opinion is: It depends.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,237 ✭✭✭Sonics2k


    I forgave an ex-girlfriend for cheating on me once. We broke up for a few weeks and eventually got back together and stayed together another 2 years or so.

    Turns out during those two years she'd continued to have more affairs, both online and offline.

    I now have a policy of never forget it, never forgive it. No matter the excuse.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,435 ✭✭✭Birdie086


    A girl here how was always 'out and about' never been in love till almost two years ago. For me it meant the whole on the prowl factor is totally elimated.

    Simplistic I know, but that's what it boils down, why would I bother with anyone else?? Plus I don't think I could my oh in the eye after, I have a few little things I keep from him, but the idea of being with someone else doesn't even occur to me.

    From our first date I knew that I was in the right place when I was beside him. Soppy, but true.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    No
    I can kind of understand it. While I don't think going out and looking for sex with someone who isn't your partner is ok, at all, I can definitely understand if there is a physical element to your relationship that is not happening at the time, and the likelihood that that might not change very soon. Temptation is hard to resist, in particular when hormones, desires and human behaviour comes into play. I think too much store is put on monogamy and 'one relationship forever' kind of thing. I would never start a relationship thinking "this one is just for now", but I don't really believe in the idea of one perfect person, or one person forever. Great if it happens, though.

    But this is really something that will never be agreed on, and it's a perpetual topic for discussion because of the nature of the topic- people have extremely strong views on these kinds of relationship/ sexuality issues.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    I'm in the 'he didn't love you camp'. How could someone who supposedly loves you so much hurt you so badly. I could never take back a cheating partner. Trust is huge for me, and there's not a chance that he could get that back.
    As for there being 'the one'; I'm really not sure. I know a few couples close to me who I could say they were just made for eachother, they fit perfectly and neither would ever stray. Maybe it's all about personality types


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 594 ✭✭✭chickenbutt


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Unforgivable. My boyfriend agrees as well as his ex cheated on him the entire time they were together. Luckily we're on the same page about this and are devoted to each other. :)

    What I do not understand, and maybe someone has said this before, is how some people out there pursue people who they know are in a relationship, as if it is a challenge. They don't care if so and so has a girlfriend, they're going to still going to try and get with the person (goes both ways). To me, it really shows their lack of self-worth. I was talking about this at work today with my coworker and how sometimes it's like you just have to stake a claim on your partner to fend off the girls! (Again, both men and women do it - not all, just some!)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    No
    Unforgivable. My boyfriend agrees as well as his ex cheated on him the entire time they were together. Luckily we're on the same page about this and are devoted to each other. :)

    What I do not understand, and maybe someone has said this before, is how some people out there pursue people who they know are in a relationship, as if it is a challenge. They don't care if so and so has a girlfriend, they're going to still going to try and get with the person (goes both ways). To me, it really shows their lack of self-worth. I was talking about this at work today with my coworker and how sometimes it's like you just have to stake a claim on your partner to fend off the girls! (Again, both men and women do it - not all, just some!)

    Why do you feel the need to 'stake your claim' on your boyfriend if you trust him like you say you do?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 594 ✭✭✭chickenbutt


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    Why do you feel the need to 'stake your claim' on your boyfriend if you trust him like you say you do?

    I do trust my boyfriend. I don't trust other girls to not cross the line. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's an uncommon reaction to situations like that.

    Also, for the record, I do trust my boyfriend to not let anything happen. I'd just rather avoid it all together. The inner workings of my relationship are not up for debate and analysis. Please do not comment on it again.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,424 ✭✭✭Storminateacup


    yes, if it was just for the sexual benefits
    I personally don't care if my boy gets hit on - he's confident enough to tell me, and I'm happy enough to tell him clearly she needed her eyes tested.. (obviously not serious), same as I don't care if he has female friends, or that he watches porn...

    I know (from hitting on him myself for years ha) he's not easy and he has a conscience, and he'd never cheat. If pathetic girls wanna try, let them. He's a good looking guy, and clearly he's not gonna do any better than me :) and more fool him if he thinks he could!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    No
    Why do you feel the need to 'stake your claim' on your boyfriend if you trust him like you say you do?
    A lot of men do this too and I could never quite understand it. If they're gonna cheat they're gonna cheat. Plus if someone comes up to your partner and gets all flirty, so what? Only an issue if they say they're single/flirt back in earnest. "you lookin at me booird?". Worry when she's looking at me Ted. :D

    I think there's a balance. Being completely blase can make a partner feel unappreciated and drive them away, whereas being para and defensive can do same. Most get the balance fairly right though and whatever works for them too. Some people get off on their partner flirting, even getting off on getting angry about it. Horses for courses.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Before my own experience I would have always been very black and white about cheating. One a cheater, always a cheater, anyone who cheats doesn’t love their partner etc. It would have absolutely been a deal breaker for me, no question.

    I had been with my partner for a few years when began working with someone, and the crush hit me like a ton of bricks. At first that’s what I dismissed it as, a one-sided crush, and told myself I was imagining the signs that he felt the same. We were both in long-term, committed relationships and absolutely not the type of people who would cheat. As a result I deliberately pulled away from him, was aloof, even borderline rude sometimes.

    One night though, we ended up drinking and talking all night, and I could no longer deny that this was a one-sided thing. We held hands and my heart soared, and yet the guilt was eating away at me. Nothing more happened, not even a kiss, but I came so close to cheating it scared me. After that I made a conscious effort not to see him socially anymore, and the feelings gradually subsided. In my heart of hearts I know that if I and he were both single when we met, we would be a couple now.

    My partner has never found out about this, not will he ever. It would absolutely destroy him, even though nothing physical happened. If he had feelings for someone in that way I would be beyond devastated. For me, it has never been a case of not loving my partner, or being unhappy in the relationship. I simply met someone who I connected with, in a way that has never happened to me before or since. I will never put myself in a position that jeopardises my relationship like that again, and I still have residual guilt even now. All I will say is that is isn’t always black and white.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 17,231 Mod ✭✭✭✭Das Kitty


    Wibbs wrote: »
    A lot of men do this too and I could never quite understand it. If they're gonna cheat they're gonna cheat. Plus if someone comes up to your partner and gets all flirty, so what? Only an issue if they say they're single/flirt back in earnest. "you lookin at me booird?". Worry when she's looking at me Ted. :D

    I think there's a balance. Being completely blase can make a partner feel unappreciated and drive them away, whereas being para and defensive can do same. Most get the balance fairly right though and whatever works for them too. Some people get off on their partner flirting, even getting off on getting angry about it. Horses for courses.

    My husband never gets jealous. In fairness I'm a generally flirty person and if he was the jealous type I don't think we would have lasted at all. He knows there's nothing to worry about, he always has. I feel the same way about him. I don't feel in any way unappreciated, he shows me he appreciates me in a multitude of ways.

    If someone has upset me though, it does get to him.

    And on topic:
    Any betrayal of trust in a relationship is not loving. You can't simulataneously destroy someone's trust in you and claim to love them.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    No
    Why do you feel the need to 'stake your claim' on your boyfriend if you trust him like you say you do?

    I do trust my boyfriend. I don't trust other girls to not cross the line. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's an uncommon reaction to situations like that.

    Also, for the record, I do trust my boyfriend to not let anything happen. I'd just rather avoid it all together. The inner workings of my relationship are not up for debate and analysis. Please do not comment on it again.

    Sorry if I upset you with my comment. I just thought it was relevant to the general debate.


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