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One-Liner Jokes
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I know some of these aren't one-liners.. sorry
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.0 -
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Son_of_Belial wrote:Exchange on a Dublin Bus a while ago:
Scumbag chick: "Wha' you lookin' ah?"
Me: "I don't know, but it's looking back!"
**Laughter from other commuters**
Scumbag chick: **String of threats and obscenities**
Almost as sad as this exchange I had with an ugly girl on a bus, somewhat noted for her vicious temperament and half decent comebacks.
Looking at her with a mild look of disgust.
Her: "What?"
Me: "I didn't say anything."
Her: "Did I say you said anything?"
Me: "Did I say you said I said anything?" (delivered unnaturally quickly)
[complete silence whilst brain tries to comprehend what I've just said; and in the process, writes to temporary memory, thus forgetting we were even talking I think judging by the silence to this day]
Best response I've ever had that I remember. This happened, seriously, I'm amazed at it still.
In training for a job in customer service; trainer asks what we would do if I told a customer they would have to move all their equipment to another location, down a flight of stairs.
Him: Seriously, say they tell you they can't, because they have no arms. What would you say to that?
Me, deadpan, from the back of the class (where else?) quick as a flash...
"Be careful on the stairs."
Yes I know. Go straight to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. It was worth it though, most I've ever cracked myself as well as everyone else up 0 -
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