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Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
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Lets all be anxious/depressed together.
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hmmm..had an ok day today for a change. Went for a walk for two hours and watched a movie (the whole way through without my mind wandering off) although my mind has began to race again this evening so probably gona be another one of those nights but hey, the good times are good when they last eh!
Actually, a question....is it acceptable to ring in sick to work because of depression, i mean like actually give that reason, like 'sorry boss but can't get outa bed today'? (obviously not phrasing it exactly like that) reason i ask is that there are times i physically can not go to work because of depression but if i ring in i just say i have a bug or whatever. My boss knows i suffer depression (but the impression i get from him is that i had a breakdown, im on pills, i'm grand now, just have to get on with it) so like i wouldn't get in trouble would i if i rang and told him the truth would i??
I feel stupid now for asking that, i guess i worry too much about getting in trouble and what people think of me. And maybe it's a bit of frustration that my boss doesnt take my illness seriously even though his wife is a councellor so maybe i'm reading too much into it which is something i do alot. Now this has turned into a big rant so im sorry, didnt mean to do that, just something i was wondering about for a while. I mean i don't often ring in sick, mainly because i have such an anxiety about talking on the phone so sometimes it's easier to go in to work and spend the day in a zombie-like state than actually pick up the phone.
Crap, i've typed enough ramble, my mind just wont bloody stop..
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Gremlinertia wrote: »Afraid not. The thoughts are spiralling downwards so think i'll be taking to bed soon. Awful hard to pull out of when i get on certain trains of thought. Oh well.
I know what you mean. Maybe if you can get a good rest tonight it might help
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I've missed an obscene amount of work because of it and was completely honest with them why. Do you have a good relationship with your bosses? Could make the difference.
I suppose it would be a good enough relationship, he's always seen me as sort of a 'golden' employee, but sometimes i feel like he'd be thinking "aw here we go again, why is she being so stupid" I think the reason i think that is because i tried talking to him about being rostered in for every day one week to cover someone who was on holidays. I tried to tell him that it was too much for me and i cant cope with those hours and he straight away shot me down and brought it back to how i basically left them in the lurch for a week around christmas because of the depression and that everyone struggles from time to time and have to get on with it. I was so shocked by his reaction to me that it's frightened me off trying to speak to him again regarding hours or depression. but as it is a real illness that i cant just snap out of, i think maybe i shouldnt lie about why i cant make it in to work....but at the same time i'm afraid to tell the truth if that makes any sense. 0 -
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I suppose it would be a good enough relationship, he's always seen me as sort of a 'golden' employee, but sometimes i feel like he'd be thinking "aw here we go again, why is she being so stupid" I think the reason i think that is because i tried talking to him about being rostered in for every day one week to cover someone who was on holidays. I tried to tell him that it was too much for me and i cant cope with those hours and he straight away shot me down and brought it back to how i basically left them in the lurch for a week around christmas because of the depression and that everyone struggles from time to time and have to get on with it. I was so shocked by his reaction to me that it's frightened me off trying to speak to him again regarding hours or depression. but as it is a real illness that i cant just snap out of, i think maybe i shouldnt lie about why i cant make it in to work....but at the same time i'm afraid to tell the truth if that makes any sense.
For years I was calling in sick saying I had the flu etc and ended up getting loads of warnings because of it. When I was honest with them I noticed they were less eager to write me up because of it. I was working for a big enough company at the time so maybe that stood to me too, hard to know if it'd be the same in smaller places. At least when telling the truth they should be more willing to help out.0 -
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Something really triggered me earlier. I've been holding off by cleaning my room, going for a fairly intense dog walk, made dinner for three or four days, lunch for two, baked, binged (or at least kinda binged
) and showered. Nothing has calmed me down. Bloody hell.
Also freaking out about first psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. Half of me wants to know what it's going to be like, the other half doesn't just in case it's worse than I expect.0 -
Something really triggered me earlier. I've been holding off by cleaning my room, going for a fairly intense dog walk, made dinner for three or four days, lunch for two, baked, binged (or at least kinda binged) and showered. Nothing has calmed me down. Bloody hell.
Also freaking out about first psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. Half of me wants to know what it's going to be like, the other half doesn't just in case it's worse than I expect.
Have counselling tomorrow for the first time. A bit nervous because it's early in the morning and im not a great sleeper.0 -
Something really triggered me earlier. I've been holding off by cleaning my room, going for a fairly intense dog walk, made dinner for three or four days, lunch for two, baked, binged (or at least kinda binged) and showered. Nothing has calmed me down. Bloody hell.
That was me yesterday. 6 hours of buzzing around the house followed by not being able to sleep with an active mine. 7.30am this morning I finally got some sleep.Also freaking out about first psychiatrist appointment on Tuesday. Half of me wants to know what it's going to be like, the other half doesn't just in case it's worse than I expect.
It'll be fine. They'll spend the first session getting to know you and your history. Be prepared for a lot of questions, some of them will seem odd. Just answer them truthfully and as best you can.0 -
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hattoncracker wrote: »Have counselling tomorrow for the first time. A bit nervous because it's early in the morning and im not a great sleeper.
First time ever? Best of luck with it
My current counsellor seems lovely and isn't scary/in your face at all. It turned out to be nothing like I thought it would, just much nicer. 0 -
hattoncracker wrote: »Have counselling tomorrow for the first time. A bit nervous because it's early in the morning and im not a great sleeper.
Best of luck buttie 0 -
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Just after finding out my knife is blunt. Completely, utterly and totally blunt >_< it was fairly blunt last time and my efforts to sharpen it have ****ed it up. I'm such an ****ing idiot.
I'm really not sure whether I should tell you how to sharpen a knife properly or not this thread being the one it is...
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I can't empathise with those of you who self-harm, only sympathise. It's something I've never brought myself to do. Not from lack of trying or anything. One of the darkest nights I can ever remember, when I felt so utterly sick of everything and everyone in the world, I tried to force myself to do it. This was some time last May, smack bang during the middle of my exams. I just wanted some scar, some mark to prove to people that I wasn't ok and still needed help.
So I'm sitting in my bedroom, scissors in hand. And I can't bring myself to do it. I just don't have it in me, whatever it is that makes people do it. Objectively I should be very pleased that I've never injured myself. But with my brain being a twisted clusterfúck that's always out to get me, I just used this as an excuse to mentally torture myself some more. "Oh ffs, how fúcking pathetic are you? Too chicken to take a little pain. Can't even injure yourself. You worthless, useless fúck." And so on.....
A friend of mine from school used do it; I've seen the scars on her arms lots of times but I've never spoken to her about it. My ex also used do it and it really broke my heart seeing him feeling the need to resort to it. And even when things between us fell through and I really hated him, I always hoped he'd never do anything like that to himself again.
So I guess I'm really lucky I don't have to deal with this particular demon myself. Sorry for all you guys that do.
Right now at the moment, I'm just a yoyo. Up, down, up, down.......if I was back at home I'd probably give my psychotherapist a text (he ended our regular appointments but told me I could call him anytime). Over here, there's not a whole lot I can do other than log on here and rant to my heart's content. I always feel really selfish here because I can talk about my own problems for ages but am never able to offer advice to anyone else on theirs.
I really feel like I should cry right now or something. I hardly ever cry (can't even remember the last time but I'd say it's been over six months anyway) and I can't make myself do it even when I want to. I think it would be good to just release it all but it's not coming to me. 0 -
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Oh I know. And I can only imagine how difficult it is to have to deal with it.
I just wish my stupid mind didn't twist it around and make it seem like a weakness on my part that I haven't fallen into that particular trap. If that makes any sense at all? It probably doesn't. Sorry. 0 -
Captain Graphite wrote: »
I just wish my stupid mind didn't twist it around and make it seem like a weakness on my part that I haven't fallen into that particular trap. If that makes any sense at all? It probably doesn't. Sorry.
Even if you did, it'd still twist everything around. Instead of 'you're so weak', it's 'that's not even a scratch, why do you even bother'. Followed by all the usual insults. And that makes perfect sense.0 -
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Thought I might start crying a few minutes ago. Felt like tears were starting to come but they never did. Would have felt much better if they did tbh.You're not an idiot Aoifums. From your posts on here you come across as very intelligent. Hope you're doing better this morning.
+1Went on a long rambling walk and chain smoked, such a disaster zone today.
At home I don't smoke regularly and usually only have a few the odd night when drinking. But over here they're cheap and I find myself doing it more regularly. It's not even a case of being addicted or needing to smoke or anything, I just find it oddly comforting doing something self-destructive that I know is bad for me. And it manages to alleviate boredom for a couple of minutes at a time.0 -
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I thought I was doing good getting down to ten! Gradually phasing myself down and hopefully stop within a week.I smoke far too much 10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.
Mood is okish, no motivation even though I had planned in doing loads today but just not getting there. I've to go to a black tie dinner this evening and make a toast after it, absolutely no idea what I am going to say so really bricking it.0 -
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I smoke far too much 10 cigarettes a day. Day 3. Trying to break a week.
About fifteen ATM, ever increasing.
In other Self centred news, hospitals been put off for a couple of days because there's no space. Which, in the grand scheme of things is ridiculous because my health problems are fairly minor in comparison to a lot of people's. Don't even want to think of what would happen if someone really needed the space.0 -
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