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Best jokes from Primary school.

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,760 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    What's brown and goes to college?
    A clever Shít!

    What's brown and taps at your window?
    A Poo on Stilts!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,653 ✭✭✭Ghandee


    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
    She couldn't control her pupils!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,822 ✭✭✭sunflower27


    Call a random phone number and ask:

    Is Mr Wall there?
    Reply: No.
    Is Mrs Wall there?
    No.
    Are there any Walls there?
    No.
    Then what's holding up your house?

    Obviously this was before the day when you could find out who the last caller was :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,990 ✭✭✭longshanks


    Me: You know the way cum floats on water?

    Him: (tentatively) eh..... yes?

    Me: (pointing, loudly) Ha ha ha, he **** in the bath. Bath wanker!!

    Then the whole class would join in, often to the tune of 'sing when you're winning'

    **** in the bathroom
    He only **** in the bathroom
    **** in the baaaathroooooom....


    Good times


  • Registered Users Posts: 135 ✭✭VenomousFish


    I'm surprised nobody's posted this gem:

    Boys go to Mars, to get more bars,
    Girls go to Jupiter, to get more stupider.

    It's a good thing we didn't know what 'irony' was in 2nd class...


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 593 ✭✭✭Rockery Woman


    There was a young girl from Madrid
    who thought she would never be rid
    up came an Italian
    with balls like a stallion
    and rode her like Billy The Kid

    Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off

    It comes from your bum
    like a bullet from a gun
    diahorrea
    diahorrea
    It isnt very funny
    cos its red hot and runny
    diahorrea
    diahorrea
    my mammy wasnt in
    so I did it in the bin..... (you know the rest)

    If I was a bird high in the sky
    Id stop over you
    and **** in your eye

    If I was a dog
    and you were a flower
    I'd lift up my leg
    and give you a shower

    :pac: the 80's!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 593 ✭✭✭Rockery Woman


    I was walking through the jungle
    with my d**k in my hand
    I said "hey mother F***er Im a condom man"
    I looked up a tree
    and what did I see
    but a big fat f***er trying to piss on me
    I said "hey mother f***er dont piss on me"
    so I picked up a rock
    and I aimed for his c**k
    and the big fat f**ker
    got a hell of a shock!:pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 50 ✭✭Miss Brightside


    I remember this lovely rhyme from my innocent little schoolgirl days :) :


    I am a little girl
    I wear my hair in curls
    I wear short dungarees
    to show my sexy knees

    A boy came up to me
    He paid me 50p
    To go behind a tree
    and get it on with me

    I pulled my knickers down
    he pulled his willy out
    and on the count of three
    he stuck it in to me.


    There was more then about being pregnant or something but can't remember the rest :pac:




  • How was the Red Sea formed?

    Over a long period.


  • Registered Users Posts: 266 ✭✭THall04


    The Mulk wrote: »
    What do you call a man with 5 testicles

    Ivan Nakovnikindem (I've a knack of knicking them)- In case the spelling is wrong!

    A Russian Castrate-tor..................Ivan Knackovnickemdemoff.

    What do ye call..................
    A woman leaning against a wall....................Eileen
    A woman not leaning against a wall...............Noleen
    A woman hanging between goalposts..............Annette
    A very lazy goat........................Billy Idol
    A goat in the sea.......................Billy Ocean
    ..........................................................:(


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,006 ✭✭✭13spanner


    Me: Hey, you've got updoc in your hair.

    Friend: What's up, Doc?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,854 ✭✭✭Sinfonia


    amacachi wrote: »
    What's green and sits in the corner?

    A bold frog.

    The Incredible Sulk.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 644 ✭✭✭filthymcnasty


    George and Bungle
    Were in the Jungle
    Jeffrey was swimming
    With naked women
    And Zippy was picking his bum.

    bits i remember from school tour bus circa early 90's

    The captains wife was Mabel
    By jaysus was she able
    She gave the crew a daily screw
    Upon the kitchen table

    naked on the rigging aye.....

    The captains dog was Rover
    The crew they ****ed him over
    He hit his cock off every rock
    From here to fcuking Dover

    naked on the rigging etc


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,772 ✭✭✭civis_liberalis


    mackg wrote: »
    Do you cry when your dad rides you in the ass

    no

    ahahahahahahah
    That's fierce dark for primary. Child of the 90s?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 352 ✭✭Goldenegg


    Ala la bum c a,
    I met a boy today,
    He gave me 50 pence,
    To go behind the fence,
    He shouted 1 2 3,
    And shoved it up my gee,
    My mother was surprised
    To see my belly rise,
    My father jumped for joy
    To see a baby boy.

    .……

    (to the tune of English country garden)

    Pull down your pants
    And suffocate the ants
    In an English country garden


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,436 ✭✭✭c_man


    Call a random phone number and ask:

    Is Mr Wall there?
    Reply: No.
    Is Mrs Wall there?
    No.
    Are there any Walls there?
    No.
    Then what's holding up your house?

    Obviously this was before the day when you could find out who the last caller was :)


    Call up the operator from a payphone.

    Hello?
    SEXXXXXXXXX!
    *run for a mile*


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭bijapos


    bits i remember from school tour bus circa early 90's

    The captains wife was Mabel
    By jaysus was she able
    She gave the crew a daily screw
    Upon the kitchen table

    naked on the rigging aye.....

    The captains dog was Rover
    The crew they ****ed him over
    He hit his cock off every rock
    From here to fcuking Dover

    naked on the rigging etc

    Its called Friggin in the Riggin, the Sex Pistols did a cover version of this.
    Great Song



    Went to Primary School in the 70's, we used to sing this to the tune of "Jesus Christ Superstar"

    Georgie Best, Superstar
    Walks like a woman and he wears a bra,
    the bra's too big,
    he wears a wig,
    and thats why they call him a sexy pig!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,712 ✭✭✭Balmed Out


    I cannot believe Ive gone through so many pages and not found any Kerry man jokes.

    Inventions - inflatable dart board, glass hammer etc etc

    two kerrymen walking along a beach,one says to look at the dead seagull the other looks into the sky and asks where.

    Why did the Kerry man bring a ladder into the church? He wanted to see the high priest.

    Have you heard about the Kerryman who had a brain transplant?
    The brain rejected him.

    Whats the best time to sell land to a Kerryman? When the tides out.

    what did the kerryman name his pet zebra? Spot.


    Apologies to all Kerry people. Lovely county and people. I have a kerry grandparent, i told no one in school.
    Whenever we got caught telling a Kerry man joke the teachers would send you to the classroom of another teacher who happened to be from Kerry to tell him and his class the joke. I was about 16 when it dawned on me that this wasnt actually a punishment but them taking the piss out of him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 922 ✭✭✭aoife_bennett


    What's red and invisible?

    No tomatoes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,772 ✭✭✭civis_liberalis


    Balmed Out wrote: »
    I cannot believe Ive gone through so many pages and not found any Kerry man jokes.
    God knows kids love an easy target, but that's just too easy.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 580 ✭✭✭IPushButtons


    Anybody remember this rhyme

    Hey Pakistani has your Nanny got a fanny,
    fcking hell *sniff sniff*
    what a smell *sniff sniff*

    I saw her at the bus stop i thought she was a ride
    but when she got closer
    I nearly fcking died
    fcking hell *sniff sniff*
    what a smell *sniff sniff*

    Jesus we were filthy little racists back in the day. :pac:

    Still are :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,316 ✭✭✭✭amacachi


    "Did ya see that film last night, Onlyqueerssayno?"
    "No."
    "Ahhhh ya queer!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,867 ✭✭✭UglyBolloxFace


    mackg wrote: »
    what's the capital of thailand

    Bangkok, followed by a kick in the balls

    We had more or less the same joke, except the kids in my school were as
    thick as two planks:
    What's the capital of China?

    Em...Beijing.

    No....Bangkok!

    Followed, of course, by a very confusing kick to your bollocks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,073 ✭✭✭Rubberlegs


    What's Lionel Ritchie's wife's name?
    Matitsa Ritchie...

    What did stone age men call bras?
    Over the shoulder boulder holders..

    What's black and white and red all over?
    A nun with sunburn..


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,339 ✭✭✭seagull


    Goldenegg wrote: »
    (to the tune of English country garden)

    Pull down your pants
    And suffocate the ants
    In an English country garden

    What do you do
    When you can't find a loo
    In an English country garden?

    Pull down your pants
    And fertilise the (pl)ants
    In an English country garden?

    Then you take a leaf
    And wipe your underneath
    In an English country garden?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,876 ✭✭✭Spread


    God made the world :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 3 shaneglynn


    Guill wrote: »
    Walking down the lane just swingin my chain,
    along comes a copper tries to take down my name,
    out with my pen knife flickity flick,
    Down with his trouser and off with his dick.

    *Six months later I end up in jail
    With my dick hanging up on a rusty nail
    Asked my Momma "What should I do?"
    She said "Stick it back on with superglue"*

    (Hilarious at the time, extra because i got to say dick).

    Was just taking a shower and this popped into my head, had to search for it to see if it was just us in my estate that used to say it (Kindlestaown, Greystones)


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