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Should I tell him?

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  • 25-03-2008 2:10am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi guys, hoping you can give me a bit of advice here. So, I live with a mate that I went to school with, and as you can imagine, we get on very well. The problem is that his g/f is/was cheating on him. I was out last week with some people from work, and around the corner on the other side of the restaurant was my flatmate's g/f, and a guy I had never seen before. They seemed to be holding hands across the table. I moved away in case she saw me, but I asked one of the girls to go have a look, in case it was entirely innocent. She said that when she saw them they were kissing and being very tactile, and said there was no was no way that it was innocent.

    I honestly don't know what to do. I've been debating whether to post this, and decided that I need unbiased advice, since my mate and I basically share the same group of friends, and I don't want to tell anybody his private business(on here doesn't count since no one will know who he is). The only person I have spoked to is my own g/f, and she thinks the world of my mate and thinks I should tell him everything. I know I should tell him, but I don't want to get involved in his relationship, especially if they ended up getting back together or something, and I could end up being the bad guy, particularly in her eyes.

    I'm most worried by the fact that he has been talking about possibly moving down the country to her hometown with her, and seems to be hinting that marriage might not be that far off. They have been together a couple of years-ish I think. If everything was good for him, it would be a shame to lose a good flatmate, but I would be delighted for him that he was with a great girl (which I always thought she was up until now.)

    I haven't seen my flatmate since, as he has been abroad for the last three weeks, and is for another two, so I haven't been forced to deal with this yet. I have thought about confronting his g/f, but I am not sure what good it will do, although it might force her to come clean. If my own g/f had cheated I think I would want to know. I really do not believe in cheating, and have never done it, but I keep thinking maybe she made a terrible mistake, and won't do it again(maybe that is being terribly optimistic).

    Hoping people on here can maybe give me some good advice, particularly those who have dealt with a similar situation. Thanks for reading, sorry if it was a bit long.


Comments

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    #2
    Colonel_McCoy
    Registered Users Posts: 751 ✭✭✭Colonel_McCoy


    If I was in your friends shoes I would want to know, If you are a 100% certain you must tell him, especially if he spopke about marriage.

    If he moves to her town and moves in with her etc and he eventually finds out another way he will obviously be crushed but if he later finds out that you always knew..........hw will be devastated even more.

    Basically, he needs to be told, he will thank you in the long run.

    Good luck


  • Options
    #3
    qz
    Registered Users Posts: 8,753 ✭✭✭qz


    Tell him. And I wouldn't worry too much about your estimation being lowered in her eyes if you do so, she's hardly in any good books is she. Your friend deserves to know, he'll thank you.


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    #4
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Provided that you're 100% sure it was her in the restaurant, then you should tell him. Getting involved by talking directly to the girlfriend can make things bad. Tell him straight what you saw and leave it to him to deal with.


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    #5
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    You are going to look like a green eyed monster and she may paint you as such. If you are confronting him, confront him with one or two other mates that saw her there too as back-up so you have someone to corroberate the story.

    I'd probably tell him, make sure you have the date ready so he can check what he was doing that night.


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    #6
    Red Hand
    Registered Users Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Red Hand


    Make sure she doesn't have any twins or sisters that look like her!:eek:


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  • Options
    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP tell him. I was in the same position as your mate around this time last year. I was going out with a girl 5 years and she was hinting about wanting to get married. But basically one night in town (monday night) One of my mates seen her in a pub with a guy kissing. She used to go for a drink every second monday with one of the "girls". My mate said it to me. 2 weeks later I turned up in the pub to see her with this guy.

    Op if you do not tell him you will let him throw away his life with this girl. If they get engaged she wont stop the hurt will just be more. But be prepared he will no doubt be pissed off and you may be a target for some harsh words but stick in there.


  • Options
    #8
    Aurora Borealis
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭Aurora Borealis


    I certainly would if I were you. I've had friends hold back on stuff like this before and I really wish they hadn't. It's only fair that your friend knows what you saw so he can deal with it then how he wishes.


  • Options
    #9
    missingyou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 89 ✭✭missingyou


    You need to be incredibly tactful in how you sort this situation out. There are many reasons why you should tell your friend about his girlfriend cheating. Firstly, if he finds out you knew already and never told him you may destroy your relationship with him forever. Secondly, you do not want to see your best friend hurt and this relatioship could continue until it reaches marriage, and he my then realise that his then wife is cheating on him and this will only be more devastating. Thirdly, it will drive you insane with guilt if you dont tell him.

    There are a few things you also have to remember when you are talking to him. Don't talk biased towards the situation, just give him the facts because if he does forgive her and they do get back together he will remember what you said badly towards her and this may cause a rift in your relationship. Also make sure he realises that you are totally sure of the situation and it was not just your mistaken eyes. Also make sure he is the right mindset to talk about this, which is hard I know, but that he is not depressed about something else.

    You could also tell his girlfriend that she should talk to him and tell him, this could relieve a lot of stress for you. However, I would not tust the girlfriend in saying it will never happen again, maybe she knows or thinks you wont tell him anything to spare his feelings.

    But, all in all he needs to be told. He may come out in anger towards you for a while but dont worry this will pass and he will realise it took you a lot of courage to say this to him and that it hurt you too. It will probably strengthen your relationship as well! Just make sure you are there to comfort him, so that he feels somewhat loved an not so useless!

    I hope this helps, and best of luck with it!!!


  • Options
    #10
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,072 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Missingyou gives good advice and I would also take on board SetantaL's advice on having others around to back up the story. He does need to know this before he goes down the road of marriage.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Options
    #11
    Balmed Out
    Registered Users Posts: 4,713 ✭✭✭Balmed Out


    even if he never talks to you again you will have done the right thing by tellling him.


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  • Options
    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the advice everyone. Unfortunately since I was with a work crowd I am the only person who would have known who she was. However she has a very distinctive hair style/colour, so I know without a shadow of a doubt it was her, much as I wish it wasn't.

    I think I need to tell him, and just let him deal with it however he wants. He is working abroad at the moment, so I think it would be better to tell him face to face in a couple of weeks, rather than on the phone. If he wants to be angry with me, then I will just take it, I know it's not me he will really be annoyed with. As Missing said I'm not going to be derogatory about her or anything of the sort (not that I would be, I believe a relationship is between two people and no-one else).

    Thanks again everyone, hopefully he can get through this whole thing okay.


  • Options
    #13
    AARRRGH
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,382 ✭✭✭✭AARRRGH


    Getting involved in other people's relationships nearly always ends in disaster.

    Tell him, but be reaalllllly nice and meek about it.

    He'll still probably shoot the messenger though.


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    #14
    james123
    Registered Users Posts: 378 ✭✭james123


    i would deffo want to know, tell him just be nice if the shoe was on the other foot im sure you would want to know


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    #15
    wylo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,214 ✭✭✭wylo


    Ive been at the other end of it where mates havent told me my girlfriend cheated, i felt cheated by them as well as my ex when I found out. You have to tell him simple as that


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    #16
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    I agree with the comment on getting other people to corroborate your story. It's going to be tough on him, but he'll find it hard to ignore the evidence of many.

    Be prepared for some anger coming your way though.


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    #17
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Eughh, what a horrible situation...

    For me telling him you'd seen his girlfriend with her lips wrapped around another guy is mildly preferable to him finding out/living with the guilt that you had seen his girlfriend with another fella & hadn't told him.


  • Options
    #18
    littlefriend
    Registered Users Posts: 1,900 ✭✭✭littlefriend


    Tell him. Don't give her the chance to tell him - she'll have time to make up some lies, put a bit of spin on it and manipulate the situation to her advantage.
    You can't go wrong with telling the truth - I wouldn't worry about not having anyone to back up your story - your friend is hardly going to think you are making it up.
    Good luck.


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    #19
    sharkie2008
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭sharkie2008


    I do think you should tell him but you need to be prepared for the possibility of him taking his anger out on you. She is likely to try and manipulate the situation. If he does believe her it could really affect your friendship

    I had a friend who was constantly cheating on her boyfriend, when he was eventually told she lied through her teeth and turned him against his friends. 2 years later they're still together but he hasn't spoken to his friends since they "spread s**t" about his girlfriend cheating. I think you're right to tell him but just be prepared for all possible outcomes


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    #20
    DiscoHugh
    Registered Users Posts: 209 ✭✭DiscoHugh


    If you re as good friends as you say you are you shouldnt need anybody else to corroborate your story.

    Just tell him exactly what you saw without any commentary and leave him to decide for himself. This is a no-brainer. It s always best to tell.


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    #21
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    I say tell him but as Dublindude said he probably will shoot the messenger. If it was me I'd consider an annonymous email, may need photos so he doesn't think it's a wind up,

    Also, if you're just going to tell him, ensure you don't tell anyone else who knows him, and tell him that. That means he isn't terrified of being seen as the cuckolded fool he might be worried or upset about.

    Don't go to her first, he really won't like that.


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    #22
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    you could say it to the gf and see what she says but say it to your friend if it happened toyou youd like to know


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    #23
    jojo12
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭jojo12


    hi, next time your in the company of both your best mate and his girlfriend, just say casually to her " i saw you in the
    restaurant the other week" nice grub there, or whatever, and if she is hiding anything it will be known by her reaction, if she has nothing to hide then problem sorted and no friendships lost!


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