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Dealing with potential suicide.........

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  • 25-03-2008 12:23am
    #1
    Madou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭


    My girlfriend has now tried to kill herself four times now and each time has woke up. The last time she slit her wrists, time before I pulled her back in through the window etc etc....

    She is now heavily sedated and under 24 hour surveillence and seems to be stablising and I'm relieved, but I feel this is not at an end and I want to help her, I need to help her.

    I live and work away from family and friends and therefore do not have many people from whom I can get good counsel. I have never dealt with a situation like this and have no idea how to cope, what to say (what not to say), what to do, etc.

    Throughout our relationship I've felt that I've always had the answers for her, was someone she could always turn to and someone she could rely on.

    Now at her lowest ebb I have nothing to offer but my love. I have no answers for her and had to abandon her in a mental hospital this last weekend. Its for her own good I know but it still felt like abandonment.

    I tell her I love her but wonders if she hears me.

    Comments, advice, assistance.....?


Comments

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    #2
    vincenzo1975
    Closed Accounts Posts: 589 ✭✭✭vincenzo1975


    I dont think there is anything you can say to give advice, you are not an expert. She needs the proffesional advice that she will get now.

    all you can do is offer the love and support as you are.

    You must not be too hard on yourself, she obviously is suffering internally with something that maybe nobody can explain to her, its possible that nobody could support her enough to prevent her from doing these things.

    Sorry I could not be of more assistance, but I do think that you need to look after yourself now and keep showing her love, and let the proffesionals help her.


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    #3
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    I've attempted suicide twice and two of my previous girlfriends have attempted it too. It's counter-intuitive for me to say this but you probably cannot help her. She needs help from someone impartial to her life. She needs you there as support, but you cannot directly help her. Be her friend/boyfriend, not her psychiatrist.


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    #4
    madbev90210
    Registered Users Posts: 403 ✭✭madbev90210


    Hey OP. Firstly can I say it takes a real man to stand by his girlfriend in this situation so dont doubt your love for your girlfriend. Secondly, she needs professional help to deal with whatever is making her not want to live and hopefully she'll get it where she is. All you can do now is be there when she needs you and perhaps at other times give her some space to think things through. Also, you need to look after yourself and you need people to talk things through with. Can you visit your family or friends?

    Feel free to PM me if you want and Im sure with your support your girlfriend will see how things can always get better. Good luck :)


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    #5
    Grid.
    Registered Users, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 68,370 Mod ✭✭✭✭Grid.


    I'm sorry for your distress and it is devastating the amount of people that are taking their own lives. Finally there is awareness and hopefully funding to deal with this long overlooked problem in our society. I can only say is that you have done that right thing for your girlfriend and she is in the hands of professionals who know had to care for her. There are helplines set up at the moment a.f.a.i.k(sorry i haven't a link) and they will advise you as the best way to deal and cope with what is happening. Sorry i can't be of more help!
    God bless and I wish you the best at this time.


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    #6
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    The only person who can help her is herslef.
    She has to want to work towards sorting out what ever it is in her self that is driving her to such actions.
    You can try and be there and be supportive but end of the day she has to want to be alive and work at making herself and her life better.


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    #7
    Snowdrop
    Closed Accounts Posts: 148 ✭✭Snowdrop


    I feel so bad for you. You have had to deal with this on your own for god only knows how long. What about her family? Does she see them? Do they get on? Either way she is in the best possible place at the moment and there is only so much you can do for her. You have to be strong and persuade her to stay in the hospital until they say she is ready to leave.

    Hard as it may be to hear, please remember that you are only human and can only take so much responsibilty for your girlfriend. She has to want to get better and until then nothing will change.


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    #8
    eezarthegreat
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭eezarthegreat


    Madou wrote: »
    My girlfriend has now tried to kill herself four times now and each time has woke up. The last time she slit her wrists, time before I pulled her back in through the window etc etc....

    She is now heavily sedated and under 24 hour surveillence and seems to be stablising and I'm relieved, but I feel this is not at an end and I want to help her, I need to help her.

    I live and work away from family and friends and therefore do not have many people from whom I can get good counsel. I have never dealt with a situation like this and have no idea how to cope, what to say (what not to say), what to do, etc.

    Throughout our relationship I've felt that I've always had the answers for her, was someone she could always turn to and someone she could rely on.

    Now at her lowest ebb I have nothing to offer but my love. I have no answers for her and had to abandon her in a mental hospital this last weekend. Its for her own good I know but it still felt like abandonment.

    I tell her I love her but wonders if she hears me.

    Comments, advice, assistance.....?

    I'm in no position to give you advice. What I would say is hats off to you for being so strong and your strength must be in some way helpful in the greater scale of things.

    I know it's not much but if your girlfriend can get to lucan there is the centre for the prevention of self-harm or suicide. It's called Pieta House, 2 mins from the village. I volunteer there every september and it's a wonderful place with highly regarded professionals working there.

    You can visit www.pieta.ie for more info.

    My heart goes out to you and your girlfriend,
    Joe


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    #9
    Clare Bear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 11,613 ✭✭✭✭Clare Bear


    OP. I'm so sorry for what you and your girlfriend are going through. All I can say is that you sound like a great boyfriend and an amazing, strong person to stand by her through everything. I hope it works out well for the both of you. Stay strong.


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    #10
    snellers
    Closed Accounts Posts: 465 ✭✭snellers


    Your GF is in the very best place at the moment where professional support can hopefully help her through.....

    do not feel you have to deal with this yourself however - the support groups mentioned will wither be able to offer you advice and support through these incredibly tough times or point you in the direction of where you can get it...depression, anxiety, guilt...etc that by the sounds of it you are experiencing should not be underestimated and your mental and physical health could be affected if not dealt with.

    please look after yourself.


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    #11
    Wurly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,095 ✭✭✭Wurly


    All of the above posters are right - she has to do this herself.

    The reason for my post is to tell you how much I admire you. Having been suicidal myself in the past, its amazing how many people run for the hills when you need them most.

    You are phenominal and you are doing a fabulous job. Take care of yourself through all this. Please provide yourself with someone to confide in too, you'll need it. Be that a friend, a family member or a support group.

    I wish you every success.xx


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    #12
    Madou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭Madou


    Thank you all for offering me your advice. With regards to a few questions asked, yes her parents are very supportive but unfortunately for them, for me, for all her friends; she has being studying away from home for the last 18 months and it was there she developed a dependency on anti-depressants, sleeping tablets and cannibis. She closed her world to all her college friends and convinced herself no-one cared.

    I mean I saw the signs, and as a relatively happy person myself, I figured this would pass; such depression always had for me, why not her? But now I look at the all the signs, how obvious it was that there was something very wrong there and it was stupidity on my behalf not to have woken up to this.

    I appreciate people telling me not to blame myself, but all the same, I don't think it should've gone as far as it did.

    But thanks again, I realise I must go to a proper authority myself to find answers for my questions. Cheers


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    #13
    Marksie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    I know its small comfort but what posters are saying is true. That you cannto blame yourself.
    I was with a woman for several years whose sister evetually succeeded. The whole family blamed themselves when in fact she deliberately at the end starved herself to death.(20+years ago, the standard of mental healthcare wasnt worse than now)
    I suppse what i am saying is that all you can do is what you are doing and as so many have pointed out it is up to her to seek the space within herself to overcome this.

    You can offer nothing but what you are doing, whihc is a very great deal. She just has to see that. But you have been a prop for her, a foil and alos someone to lash out at i guess.

    Look to yourself, i get a real sense that you are emptied of ideas now, its taken its toll on you.
    So all i can do is offer support to you, ask you to try and recoup for yourself. and send the best wishes that she finds the place she needs to be in to recover


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    #14
    missingyou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 89 ✭✭missingyou


    This is a tough situation for you to handle! and she is really lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend who would stick with her through this!

    You say all you have is love for her, and honestly that is all she will need from you... she needs to know you are there for her, and will do anything for her!

    The thing is, as many have said previously to you, you cannot help her. I know its hard to say but she needs professional help. I use to cut my arms, my friends found out and they really supported me, i never did get professional advice and never fully feel over the situation, and at times when live gets hard on me i will do it again. What im saying is that without real professional advice and help she wont get over this fully!!

    I think you need some help too, you have had a lot to deal with and seem to have no one in whom you can confide in, im sure there are many societies and council groups for partners of attempted suicide, or even go to an individual professional, they will offer you advice and support!Because in order to help her you need to make sure you are alright too :)

    I honestly hope everything works out for you and your girlfriend

    best of luck :)


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    #15
    Loopy
    Registered Users Posts: 12,220 ✭✭✭✭Loopy


    My own mother succeeded in doing it 12 yrs ago and I have been racked with guilt along with my siblings, ever since. We had no idea it was on the cards therefore it was a complete shock to us.

    You are doing all you can Op, you are very aware of whats going on and I really empathise with you cos in a way its harder in case she does succeed. Offering your love and support is really all you can do. The highs and lows from the drugs are affecting her state of mind. Could she not be nearer to you / her family? Until her state of mind improves..


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    #16
    Madou
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭Madou


    I am overwhelmed by the response to this thread and I'd like to thank everyone for the support, it's really such a help right now. Not having friends/family around is rough and this has been my only outlet to vent. I'm sitting in work and reading these replies, so thank you. Needless to say, work has been unproductive and I think will be for a while.

    With regards to looptheloop, unfortunately she cannot be closer to family. She was admitted in a hospital which is a seven hour train ride from home (we're on the continent) and will not be released from here for maybe two weeks. This is the worst part of it. As I said, abandonment seven hours from home is the only feeling that comes to mind. I tried call the hospital today but only family are permitted to talk, jesus it's a bollox rule! Beauracacy beggers belief somtimes!


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    #17
    Splinter
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 3,331 ✭✭✭Splinter


    i have not much to offer but my thoughts, your doing all you can and for that no one can say anything. i hope things settle down and your girlfriend overcomes this.

    Mark


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    #18
    tbh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    madou, I'm sending good thoughts to you and your girlfriend. I don't know if it'll help, but it can't hurt, right?

    anyway, look - if your girlfriend came to you asking for advice about her car, you'd send her to a mechanic, right? Well, you would if you were me. The point is, this is a very intricate and delicate situation, and it's totally normal for you to seek expert advice. You'll find a lot of help through the various agencies that help people who are feeling suicidal, for example, if you talk to the samaratins, they are trained to council people in these situations, and can give you practical advice as to what you yourself can do on a day-to-day level, and also on long term help for your girlfriend.

    seriously, if I have get a bit of bad luck, so you and your missus could have some good, I'm totally ok with that :)


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    #19
    Aurora Borealis
    Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭Aurora Borealis


    Obviously your girlfiend needs help but do take care of yourself too. It's very easy to forget your own needs when you're caring for someone else.

    I hope you both come through this and your girlfriend finds some inner peace.

    AB.


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    #20
    CherrySugarPlum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15 ✭CherrySugarPlum


    First of all i wanna say that i really admire you for sticking by your girlfriend. A lot of people get scared and cant handle a situation like this so they distance themselves.

    I know from personal experience that to overcome wanting to kill yourself you have to want to get better and live and you also need to make sure you girlfriend gets intense professional help. But i also know that you are helping her by just being there for her. one of the main things that helped me through was knowing that i had someone that genuinely did care for me and wanted me to get better. As long as she knows you love her and you support her then there isnt much else you can do in this situation.

    I really hope your girlfriend pulls through.


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    #21
    Overheal
    Registered Users Posts: 81,634 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    Have you visited with her parents yet?


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    #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i have just learned this evening that a family member has committed suicide by hanging he has left a young family behind him i felt physically sick when i was told,the devastation that he has left behind will never be fixed anyone thinking of going down this road please stop and think before you do anything think of your parents your brothers your sisters your kids your friends
    no problem you have is worth doing this to the people around you


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    #23
    estar
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭estar


    that you love her, need her alive, but that you and no one else
    can save her until she wants to live herself.

    and that she needs to choose the fight and not the easy way out

    and then you have to face the fact that you cant save her
    and that this is nothing to do with you and is her issue with herself.

    ive met many people with a lot of really good reasons to jump
    out of a window who dont want to and want help

    and people who have no discernible issues who want to give up

    its a choice. she has other options, she will hve been told that
    but unless that light bulb goes on in her head, unless she
    gives herself the chance, there is nothing you can say or do
    apart from i love you, and need you to stop her

    now - this is putting pressure on you big time. you need to keep
    in touch with home and talk to someone about your feelings
    while you are apart from loved ones

    ask the hospital have they any services available for relatives
    of people in this situation

    otherwise perhaps contact a therapist for emotional support
    during this time and to get some clarity on why this isnt your fault


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    #24
    estar
    Registered Users Posts: 801 ✭✭✭estar


    the worst news wrote: »
    i have just learned this evening that a family member has committed suicide by hanging he has left a young family behind him i felt physically sick when i was told,the devastation that he has left behind will never be fixed anyone thinking of going down this road please stop and think before you do anything think of your parents your brothers your sisters your kids your friends
    no problem you have is worth doing this to the people around you

    im so sorry for your loss. its a complete and utter shock but it is the
    act of a person in complete mental meltdown, in the throes of a depression
    that they cant see through, where there are no options they can see.
    its not something we on the outside of that state who would fight to live
    can understand.

    there are no reasons, and the family should see that.

    its such a pity there isnt more education regarding the warning
    signs of suicidal thoughts for people to recognise themselves
    that when they get these thoughts it means that they need
    help and should at all costs ignore these thoughts they are a sign
    of extreme depression.

    my thoughts are with you and your family.


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    #25
    Loopy
    Registered Users Posts: 12,220 ✭✭✭✭Loopy


    the worst news wrote: »
    i have just learned this evening that a family member has committed suicide by hanging he has left a young family behind him i felt physically sick when i was told,the devastation that he has left behind will never be fixed anyone thinking of going down this road please stop and think before you do anything think of your parents your brothers your sisters your kids your friends
    no problem you have is worth doing this to the people around you

    So sorry to hear that, PM me if you need any information on support for families bereaved by suicide. I saw a fantastic Counsellor who specialised in Suicide. She helped me get through the worst time of my life.


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    #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thanks for that i have never been touched by suicide before
    its the children i feel most sorry for
    they dont know yet
    so tonight they will sleep and get up in
    the morning like any other day
    but its a day they will be burned into their memory forever
    christ im a grown man and i could cry my eyes out
    he left a letter saying it was the only way to stop how he felt
    but surely he could have said something anything before he did it
    its so cold and final
    i feel a mixed emotion of anger for the pain he has left behind him
    and total pity and sorrow for him finding himself in that lonely desperate situation
    having to do that to himself
    i read the pi's all the time on boards and tbh people get worried over the most trivial things
    when something like this arrives at your door it puts everything in perspective


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