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Bring dumped and still trying to get over it half a year later?

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  • 23-07-2015 4:40am
    #1
    mackD
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭


    I'm just wondering is it strange to still feel pretty heartbroken 7 months after a relationship has ended? I thought I'd be completely over it by now but if anything I've actually been feeling particularly lonely and sad lately, reminiscing on what I had and where I was this time last year.

    Basically, it was my first relationship since I came out a few years ago and my boyfriend suddenly dumped me right before xmas after a year and a bit together. To say I didn't see it coming would be an understatement. Our relationship was always different as it was a long-distance one but we had an understanding about it, were always in constant contact and we saw each other pretty much every weekend. It actually seemed to be developing along very naturally and the long distance suited me very much for a first time relationship, as I didn't want to be smothered 24/7.

    Anyway, one day before xmas last year, I found myself suddenly dumped with no particular reason given. I was in a state of shock for days afterwards and meanwhile my ex insisted that he still wanted to maintain a friendship so we continued to keep in contact for the time being.
    However, as the shock wore off and the reality of the situation kicked in, I found myself feeling very bitter and angry towards him, and I got into a habit of sending him a barrage of drunken angry texts now and again after a night out.
    It got to the stage by March this year where he suddenly decided enough was enough and said it would be better to break off all contact entirely, despite my wishes not to.
    I felt angry and upset all over again as he had already ended the relationship, and now decided to end the friendship too.
    Of course I know that I shouldn't have been sending the occasional angry text but I was feeling extremely hurt, and so a little understanding from his side wouldn't have gone astray I thought.

    Fast forward a couple of months later and we've had no contact since.
    Now I fully accept the relationship is over and that chapter is closed, but I honestly believe a really good friendship could still be salvaged. I think it was very naive on both our parts at the time to think we could suddenly switch from a relationship to a friendship straight away, as I obviously needed to "grieve" first. However, despite a few attempts recently to get back in contact, he has been completely ignoring me. I figure he has my number blocked.
    Guess I just have to accept that is that but I was hoping to not have things end on such a sour and final note:(
    Sorry for this rambling mess of a thread....just needed to let it out a bit


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    #2
    BuffyBot
    Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators Posts: 24,924 Mod ✭✭✭✭BuffyBot


    mackD wrote: »
    I'm just wondering is it strange to still feel pretty heartbroken 7 months after a relationship has ended? I thought I'd be completely over it by now but if anything I've actually been feeling particularly lonely and sad lately, reminiscing on what I had and where I was this time last year.

    Basically, it was my first relationship since I came out a few years ago and my boyfriend suddenly dumped me right before xmas after a year and a bit together. To say I didn't see it coming would be an understatement. Our relationship was always different as it was a long-distance one but we had an understanding about it, were always in constant contact and we saw each other pretty much every weekend. It actually seemed to be developing along very naturally and the long distance suited me very much for a first time relationship, as I didn't want to be smothered 24/7.

    Anyway, one day before xmas last year, I found myself suddenly dumped with no particular reason given. I was in a state of shock for days afterwards and meanwhile my ex insisted that he still wanted to maintain a friendship so we continued to keep in contact for the time being.
    However, as the shock wore off and the reality of the situation kicked in, I found myself feeling very bitter and angry towards him, and I got into a habit of sending him a barrage of drunken angry texts now and again after a night out.
    It got to the stage by March this year where he suddenly decided enough was enough and said it would be better to break off all contact entirely, despite my wishes not to.
    I felt angry and upset all over again as he had already ended the relationship, and now decided to end the friendship too.
    Of course I know that I shouldn't have been sending the occasional angry text but I was feeling extremely hurt, and so a little understanding from his side wouldn't have gone astray I thought.

    Fast forward a couple of months later and we've had no contact since.
    Now I fully accept the relationship is over and that chapter is closed, but I honestly believe a really good friendship could still be salvaged. I think it was very naive on both our parts at the time to think we could suddenly switch from a relationship to a friendship straight away, as I obviously needed to "grieve" first. However, despite a few attempts recently to get back in contact, he has been completely ignoring me. I figure he has my number blocked.
    Guess I just have to accept that is that but I was hoping to not have things end on such a sour and final note:(
    Sorry for this rambling mess of a thread....just needed to let it out a bit

    I suspect half the issue here is the break up, half a bit of guilt on your part for feeling like you've pushed him away and precluded any chance of the friendship you were hoping for.

    Sadly, being friends with ex's is nice, but it's not always possible. For every "me and my ex are great friends" story there are dozens of others where the people involved simply don't communicate anymore.

    Yes, you do have to accept it. Perhaps you'll end up getting back in touch in the future through some random co-incidence, perhaps not..for now, it is time to start trying to move on.


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    #3
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    What reason did he give for ending it with you? Hard to believe he could be so cold without reason. Was there really no sign at all that things weren't great between you beforehand or that he might have wanted out?

    In my opinion, staying friends after breaking up is an idealistic way of wanting things, and it very rarely happens and/or lasts. I personally wouldn't do it again. Tried it once, didn't work out as I still had feelings and was crushed when he was out with us and ended up kissing another guy in front of me and then disappearing off for the night with him. This was on the night I was gonna ask him to maybe see about starting things up again. Ah well, lesson learned.

    You may be more fixed on him than you normally would be as it was your first relationship, and you just have to push yourself to try and forget about him and move on. It'll be hard, but ultimately, you need to think of yourself in this situation, not him or you together. You know now that he isn't interested in replying, so delete his number, block him on Facebook or whatever forms of communication you have. These reminders of him will do you no favours. Cut the cord and be done with it. It's the best way to do it. Surround yourself with your friends and family, enjoy good times and soon he will be a distant memory. Don't mentally torture yourself over what could have been. Life's too short.

    Most likely, he isn't sitting around feeling miserable over it all, so why should you? Don't do that to yourself. You'll find someone else, just don't let this experience put you off or make you bitter. Chin up. :)


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    #4
    mackD
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭mackD


    BuffyBot wrote: »
    I suspect half the issue here is the break up, half a bit of built on your part for feeling like you've pushed him away and precluded any chance of the friendship you were hoping for.

    That is very true! I've been berating myself so much for basically sabotaging any chance we had at a friendship. But then I wonder did he even want a friendship and was perhaps just waiting for me to slip up so he'd have the perfect excuse to end all communication.
    But as it was long distance, the chances of us actually randomly bumping into each other were slim anyway, so it seems really cruel and cold to break all contact like that, and completely out of character for the guy I thought I knew.
    Paddy C wrote: »
    What reason did he give for ending it with you? Hard to believe he could be so cold without reason. Was there really no sign at all that things weren't great between you beforehand or that he might have wanted out?

    In my opinion, staying friends after breaking up is an idealistic way of wanting things, and it very rarely happens and/or lasts. I personally wouldn't do it again. Tried it once, didn't work out as I still had feelings and was crushed when he was out with us and ended up kissing another guy in front of me and then disappearing off for the night with him. This was on the night I was gonna ask him to maybe see about starting things up again. Ah well, lesson learned.

    You may be more fixed on him than you normally would be as it was your first relationship, and you just have to push yourself to try and forget about him and move on. It'll be hard, but ultimately, you need to think of yourself in this situation, not him or you together. You know now that he isn't interested in replying, so delete his number, block him on Facebook or whatever forms of communication you have. These reminders of him will do you no favours. Cut the cord and be done with it. It's the best way to do it. Surround yourself with your friends and family, enjoy good times and soon he will be a distant memory. Don't mentally torture yourself over what could have been. Life's too short.

    Most likely, he isn't sitting around feeling miserable over it all, so why should you? Don't do that to yourself. You'll find someone else, just don't let this experience put you off or make you bitter. Chin up. :)

    He basically said his heart wasn't in the relationship any more, and that I did nothing wrong, so in other words nothing I could even attempt to fix.
    We never had a proper argument or anything like that but I felt for about a month before the break-up that he had suddenly grown very distant from me, and seemed to be in no form himself. But I thought I was just being a little paranoid at the time and that things would fix themselves....

    Anyway, thanks for the advice guys:)


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    #5
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,163 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    mackD wrote: »
    I honestly believe a really good friendship could still be salvaged.

    No, it can't.

    To me the most obvious aspect of your post is you cannot move past him because (a) you still have feelings for him and (b) you did not get the closure you feel you deserve.

    Look. the way your relationship ended seems harsh and perhaps your ex-boyfriend was trying to mitigate some of the harm by trying to remain as just friends, which is wonderful in theory but in practice it just draws out the pain for you. You became angry and resentful and sent drunken abusive messages but still you did not want him to end the friendship, you must have known that it wasn't a friendship at that stage even if there were more good days than bad. If he was trying to move on with his life then having a jealous or bitter friend who would always want something more is not a good option. Try to look past your hurt and see it from his perspective, if the situation was reversed how would you handle being the recipient of the behavior you were displaying three months after you broke up?

    If he offered to take you back would you accept?
    mackD wrote: »
    I wonder did he even want a friendship and was perhaps just waiting for me to slip up so he'd have the perfect excuse to end all communication

    You need to snap out of this thought process, it's definitely not healthy. Maybe he did and maybe he didn't but don't miss the point - it doesn't matter anymore.

    Try to take some good memories from the experience, you have a year to choose from, but the only way you will get past this is to stop obsessing and try to meet someone else. Right now your still hurt, raw and feeling alone but you need a new friendship or closeness with someone else. It will happen eventually and this just won't feel as important anymore. Chin up :)

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



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    #6
    flowerbattle
    Registered Users Posts: 90 ✭✭flowerbattle


    This is oddly similar to my situation. My first (and to date, only) BF moved back to Brazil just before Christmas and we tried to keep a long distance thing going when he moved back but he ended it a few weeks later saying that he just wasn't motivated and that he was facing into an intense year at college but he still wanted to remain friends. So we did for about a month with daily chats and little kissy emojis and things until I confronted him and asked whether or not he thought we would get back together, to which he replied no we wouldn't. So I blocked and deleted him on everything and explained to him that I was going crazy thinking about a potential reconciliation.

    I felt so angry at him for months for leading me on, or at least, that's how I saw it. I went and saw other people but on every date I went on with other guys I ended up comparing them to the Brazilian guy and they didn't match up to him in my eyes. When I'm having a rough time of it he pretty much occupies a lot of my mind and I ended up feeling incredibly low after the referendum (I was DRAINED) and ended up sending him little messages just making sure he was ok cos Brazil is a fairly dangerous place. Then one day he launched into a full conversation with me out of the blue and now we chat regularly enough.

    I'm not 100% over him and I still think that we still have a chance, despite the 9000km gap between us. But the time apart we had definitely helped a lot. Like it's gotten to the stage where I'm crushing on other guys which I thought would never happen again in the dark days after we stopped talking. I'd say give it time OP. I know that's what everyone says but it's true. In February after we stopped talking I felt like my world fell apart, and I kept seeing "signs" that we were meant to be. Now I think of him as just a friend a lot of the time. And I know that this will improve too. Go date other guys, get on tinder and grindr and scruff and go for those coffees and pints. Even if you spend the whole date thinking about your ex at least you're making progress. Go get involved in a casual relationship with someone, with minimal strings attached while you're still dealing with this. The way I see it, and the way I saw things with my ex, is that the ball is in his court. If he does feel for you, really, then he won't be able to take the silence and he'll talk back. You need to detox, you need to de-him. For all you know he's just a little spark and the guy that will light up your life will come to you as a result of all of this.


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    #7
    mackD
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭mackD


    Ten of Swords wrote: »
    No, it can't.

    To me the most obvious aspect of your post is you cannot move past him because (a) you still have feelings for him and (b) you did not get the closure you feel you deserve.

    Look. the way your relationship ended seems harsh and perhaps your ex-boyfriend was trying to mitigate some of the harm by trying to remain as just friends, which is wonderful in theory but in practice it just draws out the pain for you. You became angry and resentful and sent drunken abusive messages but still you did not want him to end the friendship, you must have known that it wasn't a friendship at that stage even if there were more good days than bad. If he was trying to move on with his life then having a jealous or bitter friend who would always want something more is not a good option. Try to look past your hurt and see it from his perspective, if the situation was reversed how would you handle being the recipient of the behavior you were displaying three months after you broke up?

    If he offered to take you back would you accept?

    Honestly, I would like to think I'd be incredibly understanding in that situation and let him "ride out" his anger and frustration. After all, I have broken his heart so I have to expect to deal with the consequences instead of heartlessly washing my hands and walking away from the mess I created.
    Of course, I know it is easy for me to say this as I haven't dumped someone before, but I honestly feel that is how I would deal with it.

    As for the second part.....as pathetic as it sounds, I probably would. It's a weird situation as the "trust" bond was never broken as in there was never a third party involved, he just ended things for reasons I don't know. In a way I wish there was someone else involved as it would make the whole process more understandable and easier to get over, if that makes any sense.

    But I know I just have to accept I will never get the answers I seek, and just move on.
    Thanks for your post, it was certainly thought-provoking!
    flowerbattle wrote: »
    This is oddly similar to my situation. My first (and to date, only) BF moved back to Brazil just before Christmas and we tried to keep a long distance thing going when he moved back but he ended it a few weeks later saying that he just wasn't motivated and that he was facing into an intense year at college but he still wanted to remain friends. So we did for about a month with daily chats and little kissy emojis and things until I confronted him and asked whether or not he thought we would get back together, to which he replied no we wouldn't. So I blocked and deleted him on everything and explained to him that I was going crazy thinking about a potential reconciliation.

    I felt so angry at him for months for leading me on, or at least, that's how I saw it. I went and saw other people but on every date I went on with other guys I ended up comparing them to the Brazilian guy and they didn't match up to him in my eyes. When I'm having a rough time of it he pretty much occupies a lot of my mind and I ended up feeling incredibly low after the referendum (I was DRAINED) and ended up sending him little messages just making sure he was ok cos Brazil is a fairly dangerous place. Then one day he launched into a full conversation with me out of the blue and now we chat regularly enough.

    I'm not 100% over him and I still think that we still have a chance, despite the 9000km gap between us. But the time apart we had definitely helped a lot. Like it's gotten to the stage where I'm crushing on other guys which I thought would never happen again in the dark days after we stopped talking. I'd say give it time OP. I know that's what everyone says but it's true. In February after we stopped talking I felt like my world fell apart, and I kept seeing "signs" that we were meant to be. Now I think of him as just a friend a lot of the time. And I know that this will improve too. Go date other guys, get on tinder and grindr and scruff and go for those coffees and pints. Even if you spend the whole date thinking about your ex at least you're making progress. Go get involved in a casual relationship with someone, with minimal strings attached while you're still dealing with this. The way I see it, and the way I saw things with my ex, is that the ball is in his court. If he does feel for you, really, then he won't be able to take the silence and he'll talk back. You need to detox, you need to de-him. For all you know he's just a little spark and the guy that will light up your life will come to you as a result of all of this.

    Ah thanks for your post, and I'm sorry for your situation too. I guess in a strange way it is kind of comforting to know you're not the only one going through such a negative experience.
    I have thrown myself back into grindr and POF but I just don't have the heart for it. The whole idea of starting all over again on these apps is pretty soul destroying but I know you just have to get on with it!


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    #8
    flowerbattle
    Registered Users Posts: 90 ✭✭flowerbattle


    mackD wrote: »
    Ah thanks for your post, and I'm sorry for your situation too. I guess in a strange way it is kind of comforting to know you're not the only one going through such a negative experience.
    I have thrown myself back into grindr and POF but I just don't have the heart for it. The whole idea of starting all over again on these apps is pretty soul destroying but I know you just have to get on with it!

    ah well that's the spirit, painfully slowly but surely. and yeah it's oddly nice knowing i'm not alone in this kinda thing as well. we should set up a group, "hopelessly hung up dudes"! i'm both laughing and crying at the idea


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    #9
    Legend_Steph
    Registered Users Posts: 54 ✭✭Legend_Steph


    Hey :) Only coming across this post now sorry! I'm exactly in the same boat as O.P. My story: Girlfriend and I dated for a year and a half. (April 21st 2015 was our year and a half anniversary) On Friday 17th of April, she asked for space. I said OK as I knew she had college exams coming up and other personal problems and I didn't want to smother her during this time. Normally I'd hear back after a day or so but I didn't hear from her until Monday 20th. She asked me to meet up with her the next day. Our anniversary. I was panicked. She was short and to the point with the message. No "Thank you for the space..." "How was your day?" etc.

    The dreaded day: We met up. She ended the relationship. Why? She wasn't happy. Said she fell out of love with me and has been feeling that way for a good few weeks but thought it would just go away. I was devastated. Just over Valentines, she wrote me a hand written letter about how she can't wait for us to have a future together, for us to live together finally (She lives approx. an hour - two hours away from me so seeing each other was difficult enough especially with her working) and for the day when she'd wake up next to me and see a ball of fluff in between us (Our term for a baby) She also made me a custom made photo album. Photos of where we first met, our trips away....It all had to be thrown out. Knowing that she fell out of love with me, none of that meant anything to me any more. There's no way she'd fall back in love with me or take me back.

    Nearly five months on, I am just about over her. She's currently seeing someone else. Got in a relationship with the person two weeks after our break-up. There are days when I think what could of been if we were still together but I don't hold anything against her. I honestly cannot think of one bad thing to say about her. Over all, I'm keeping myself busy by blogging and planning on travelling once I have the money.

    I'm also on POF and OKCupid but I am having absolutely no luck at all. I am really determined to go to The George but I'm just afraid of going and ending up being alone at the bar or talking to someone and finding out their taken making my efforts awkward.

    My advice: I know its cliche to say but it will get better as the months go on. Get yourself out there and enjoy life. :) If you want to message me at all, feel free to do so :)
    (Sorry for the essay!)


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