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would you forgive or dump?

  • 17-07-2011 11:50pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 33


    Ok I don't want any depends on the situation if's or buts here..
    in fact no need to comment i just want everyone to vote honestly in the poll..

    the question is: if your girlfriend/boyfriend kissed another person i.e. cheated on you, would you dump her/him or stay with her/him?

    (in my opinion it doesnt make a difference if they are sober or drunk or whatever as if it happened it happened) (also bear in mind your partner kisses the person back and i'm talking a proper kiss with tongues, not a peck)

    if your partner kissed another person..... 244 votes

    i am a guy and i would forgive her
    0% 0 votes
    i am a girl and i would forgive him
    17% 43 votes
    i am a guy and i would dump her
    6% 17 votes
    i am a girl and i would dump him
    75% 184 votes


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,101 ✭✭✭MitchKoobski


    Yeah but tbh you're here to discuss answers, not get people just to vote on a poll.

    Circumstances matter entirely, so a poll won't give you an answer you're looking for.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 murreemurree


    Yeah but tbh you're here to discuss answers, not get people just to vote on a poll.

    Circumstances matter entirely, so a poll won't give you an answer you're looking for.

    how exactly do circumstances matter? fact is fact


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,377 ✭✭✭zenno


    I voted, and I would say Goodbye in a split of a second without hesitation and would never associate with her again. life can be painful enough itself without the need for this.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 35,514 ✭✭✭✭efb


    threesome ftw! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 19,145 ✭✭✭✭MrStuffins


    efb wrote: »
    threesome ftw! :D

    An interesting point here (and on the subject of circumstances)... would it be different if the person she kissed was another girl?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 35,514 ✭✭✭✭efb


    MrStuffins wrote: »
    An interesting point here (and on the subject of circumstances)... would it be different if the person she kissed was another girl?

    I presumed he was kissing another guy

    If he went off with a girl, I'd dumped his confused ass!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,817 ✭✭✭myflipflops


    Dump without thinking.

    I'm pretty much a confirmed singleton at this point but I guess trust is the most important thing in a relationship and this would be a destrcution of that truts.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    how exactly do circumstances matter? fact is fact
    Of course circumstances matter. EG two couples. The first relationship is a year old, all apparently loved up, few or no arguments everything apparently going great. One night one of the partners snogs the face off a stranger. Second relationship is going for 8 years, sex has been on the backburner for a while. Quite a few arguments going on. They're no longer putting the effort in, or one isn't. One night one of the partners snogs the face off a stranger. The end result is the same, the path to it quite different. I'd condone neither, but I could at least understand the latter. Take it further. A snog or sex? I think most would agree sex is of a magnitude higher a "crime". Few such questions are so rigidly black and white. IMHO thinking of them as such makes for a harder life IME.

    My answer(and you aint gonna like it :D) is it depends entirely on the circumstances surrounding the event. Myself, I've forgiven in the past when I really shouldn't have. She was just a very self centred needy person and that guff just came out again in other ways down the line. I've not forgiven in the past and in retrospect I should have as I had a large part to play in getting it to that point. Though as a working rule I'd generally go with scrape them off and out of my life. Even if I chose to forgive, they'd have to fight and fight hard for that trust again.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    It is more complicated than simply stating "fact is fact" however even with circumstances included I can only predict myself dumping someone in most situations.

    Even if you take the example of a troubled relationship with a lot of tension, ultimately this person reacted badly to such a negative situation and instead of focusing on trying to repair and reconcile the relationship they ended up liking the attention of someone fresh and new and cheated as a result of it.

    Also even if you do go down the route of forgiving someone and trying to move on it will have forever poisoned the relationship, it will always be on the back of your mind and you will be insecure about it and this will make you act negatively towards your girlfriend which she will start to resent as while it is possible to forgive it is much harder to forget. To me it seems it would be better to separate and start fresh with someone else that you won't have such negative history tainting the future.

    I will readily admit that some couples probably do get past a cheating offence and can genuinely forgive it, forget it and move on successfully, it would just not be worth the risk to me, there are plenty of nice people who don't cheat out there so would go find one.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,838 ✭✭✭Nulty


    I agree. In many cases within a relatively steady relationship (1 year plus), if one partner kisses another person at least some blame can be attributed to the other partner. Whether it's a lack of attention, revenge for some insult or wrong-doing, or something else. Rarely would a partner of that nature kiss someone else. If they did it for no other apparent reason other than an attraction to another person then it's a fairly dumpable offence.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,986 ✭✭✭✭mikemac


    Just to throw in my point, drink is never ever an excuse.
    But so often used as one in Ireland

    Drink makes you do stupid things but another way to look at it is drink lowers your inhibitions and you do what you wanted to do but wouldn't when you are reserved and sensible


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    Nulty wrote: »
    I agree. In many cases within a relatively steady relationship (1 year plus), if one partner kisses another person at least some blame can be attributed to the other partner. Whether it's a lack of attention, revenge for some insult or wrong-doing, or something else. Rarely would a partner of that nature kiss someone else. If they did it for no other apparent reason other than an attraction to another person then it's a fairly dumpable offence.

    Blame? There is no blame, if your partner is not treating you as you want to be treated then you sit them down and talk to them about it, if they continue the behaviour you are unhappy with then you break up with them.

    Everyone is responsible for their own actions, you cannot blame another human being for how you act.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    I wouldn't expect forgiveness if it was me that did the kissing, but I don't know what I would do myself if faced with this. I can't see me getting over it easily.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,584 ✭✭✭TouchingVirus


    Initial gut reaction: Dump, no forgiveness

    But I agree with Wibbs and Maguined - sometimes your gut reaction isn't right, doesn't mean you have to be a walkover about it.


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    I've had an ex cheat on me and I stayed with him, I regret doing so because it was always in the back of my mind afterwards. At the time there were mitigating factors that I used so that I was able to resolve it within my head and I loved him very much and wanted our relationship to continue, but fundamentally I don't think I ever got past it, despite him trying his hardest to have me forget. I just felt that what we had was tainted, that it wasn't the important thing I'd felt it to be.

    I do think that it's not always black and white and that relationships can recover from a partner's cheating and grow and be much stronger, but it really is situation dependent.


  • Registered Users Posts: 270 ✭✭jacko


    dumpsville without question. Any kind of relationship you have, or would hope to have has to be built 100% on the trust of your partner and their trust in you.

    as for the 'gut reaction isn't right', 'depends on circumstances' arguments, sorry I don't agree with that. If someone could even contemplate cheating in the first place then is the relationship working or even worth keeping. Once a cheater, always a cheater


  • Registered Users Posts: 51 ✭✭emmabee


    Absolutely toss that tosser immediately. If not for the unfaithful factor, for the fact that there is something missing in the R'ship for someone to feel the need to do it in the first place. Find someone with everything you need!


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,358 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    If someone was to cheat on me, I'd be questioning why they were with me, if they were getting all over someone else.

    There was a girl I went out with nearly 10 or so years ago. She started leaning towards a mate of mine and kinda going out with him as well. She asked me to talk about it and decide what "we" should do. Told her plain and simple that it was her choice to make. Never spoke with her again after she did. Don't know weither or not I would of forgiven her if she choose differently. But it's something I'd want to discuss or understand before making up my mind.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,394 ✭✭✭JamJamJamJam


    If it was an ongoing/regular thing with another guy I guess, with regret, I'd end it. But I'd probably forgive her if it was a once-off thing on a night out, say. Don't get me wrong, I hate the whole idea of cheating. It's a horrible and completely inconsiderate thing to do. But at the same time I can sort of understand how, in the heat of the moment, one thing leads to another very quickly, and before you know it you're doing something you'd never, ever do if you'd thought about it previously.

    Like murder and manslaughter :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,746 ✭✭✭✭Misticles


    hhmm, I don't know if I could.

    As much as I would love the person, it would always be in the back of my mind and I would probably throw it back at them one time or another - most likey during a fight or something.

    I would likle to say I could be the person who can forgive and move on. Maybe I could, if they could prove that they are sorry and they want me and nobody else.

    To lose trust is a big thing, its even bigger to try and get it back.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 30 replica


    Dump without thinking.

    I'm pretty much a confirmed singleton at this point but I guess trust is the most important thing in a relationship and this would be a destrcution of that truts.

    I would agree that trust is the number 1 issue and for me if my wife/gf/partner kissed or slept with another guy I could never forgive her. I know I would try, but I know I couldn't so as opposed to dumping her I would just end the relationship and that would be that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 937 ✭✭✭newbee22


    I voted wouldn't forgive, once a cheater always a cheater!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 793 ✭✭✭vicecreamsundae


    Nulty wrote: »
    I agree. In many cases within a relatively steady relationship (1 year plus), if one partner kisses another person at least some blame can be attributed to the other partner. Whether it's a lack of attention, revenge for some insult or wrong-doing, or something else. Rarely would a partner of that nature kiss someone else. If they did it for no other apparent reason other than an attraction to another person then it's a fairly dumpable offence.

    i so completely disagree! i don't think the partner is at allll to blame! if there are issues, talk about them, sort them, but don't just go off with someone else.. If a boyfriend kissed someone else and then tried to blame me for it I would be speechless!! people have to take responsibility for their actions. i think the longer you are together, the more heartbreaking it is for your partner if you kiss someone else, and it's altogether a MORE dumpable offence than if you were a newish couple even though the decision and the breakup are harder, that's for sure.

    but cheating because things are not perfect with your partner? that's absolutely no excuse for me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,912 ✭✭✭HellFireClub


    Initial gut reaction: Dump, no forgiveness

    But I agree with Wibbs and Maguined - sometimes your gut reaction isn't right, doesn't mean you have to be a walkover about it.

    I'd argue the opposite, which is that your gut feeling is usually never wrong. It's the times you don't go with your gut feeling that you end up in the manure business I think...


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,847 ✭✭✭py2006


    newbee22 wrote: »
    I voted wouldn't forgive, once a cheater always a cheater!!

    I never liked that statement!

    I have never been cheated on (that I know of) and I have never cheated on anybody. But if I was I am not sure I could forgive.

    Having said all that, I don't believe that because somebody has done a bad thing they are going to do it repeatedly throughout their lives. I once stole a pencil as a kid from a newsagents, I didn't go on to be a serial thief.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Bobby42


    Had an ex that kissed one of her ex boyfriends while we were going out. I was really hurt but I cared about her a lot at the time so I forgave her. A few months later she got with someone else and then dumped me. So if this happened to me again I think I'd lean towards dumping her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,528 ✭✭✭foxyboxer


    Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!! :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,847 ✭✭✭py2006


    foxyboxer wrote: »
    Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You!! :D

    Showing your age there! :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 937 ✭✭✭newbee22


    py2006 wrote: »
    I never liked that statement!

    I have never been cheated on (that I know of) and I have never cheated on anybody. But if I was I am not sure I could forgive.

    Having said all that, I don't believe that because somebody has done a bad thing they are going to do it repeatedly throughout their lives. I once stole a pencil as a kid from a newsagents, I didn't go on to be a serial thief.

    I just seem to attract the cheaters!!:o:rolleyes:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,847 ✭✭✭py2006


    newbee22 wrote: »
    I just seem to attract the cheaters!!:o:rolleyes:

    I think its a case of the girls going for the 'bad guy' then realising their mistake later down the road! Give a nice guy a chance! ;)


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