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I Cheated on my Wife

12467

Comments

  • #92
    Ave Sodalis
    Registered Users Posts: 7,547 ✭✭✭Ave Sodalis


    Ann84 wrote:
    How would you ever know it was a one night thing? How could you trust someone who would do it once and lie to your face to not do it again or even trust that the person felt badly enough about it? What if it was a one time thing, until it happened a second time, would you want to know then? And would you want to know it wasn't the first time then?


    Well to be honest, I would trust my boyfriend not to do it the first time. They wouldn't be lying to my face if I didn't want to know. Yes, I would want to know if it happened a second time or if, as in the OP, they exchanged numbers because that, to me, means that there's something more going on than a mistake. If I know about it, then I know it wasn't the first time. You see to me, there is no coming back from cheating. That is the relationship ruined, and possibly years thrown down the toilet for one mistake. I also don't think an entire relationship should be ruined based on one mistake but I personally, wouldn't be able to move past it. I would rather remain blissfully ignorant of it.

    You don't have to agree with me, that's completely fine but I know there are others that do and I don't think it's fair to assume we know the wife's mind. We can only offer what we would do, not put it as though you speak universally for all women.


  • #93
    Clampdown
    Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭Clampdown


    Ann84 wrote: »
    How would you ever know it was a one night thing? How could you trust someone who would do it once and lie to your face to not do it again or even trust that the person felt badly enough about it?
    What if it was a one time thing, until it happened a second time, would you want to know then? And would you want to know it wasn't the first time then?

    How would you fix it, if a person doesn't come clean the first time, they never will. If a person can live with that kind of lie once, why would they ever tell the truth?

    I couldn't imagine living a lie like that, or wanting to live with a lier like that...

    That reaction is exactly why he shouldn't tell. It will ruin the trust and probably ruin the marriage. We can only assume it was a one time thing that the OP feels guilty about and doesn't plan on doing again. If not then I would hope he gets caught too or just gets a divorce. Basically you would want to know so you could leave the guy, right? That might not be what OP's wife would want or what is best for her and the kids.


  • #94
    Colser
    Registered Users Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Clampdown wrote: »
    Yes, there is a difference, but to me one is not miles better than the other the way some suggest. Fessing up would imply that you want your partner to know that you are so unhappy with the relationship that you did this and that the issues at hand need to be dealt with to move on, and in many cases this will still result in the ending of the relationship. Why would you tell if you really love your wife and want to remain faithful forevermore?

    Again, the first part of your post is aimed at making the OP paranoid and suggesting he is likely to get caught, and I think really you are just transferring your desire for him to get caught. If one of the lads from the stag wants to joke about the incident they won't do it right in front of the wife. For the very reason you stated, women are too sharp. No one wants to get involved in another's marital problems for the sake of a sly dig. Unless someone who dislikes the OP or is very good friends with the wife knows then they are not likely to get involved and expose him in the middle of a wedding.
    We will agree to disagree Clampdown.
    Im not transferring anything but what I will say is if theres any chance of his wife finding out he has a better chance of staying together if he is the first to tell her.

    That girl has his name and number and Im guessing his friends know so thats a chance he will have to take.Ive seen these things come to light years after the fact so it will always be at the back of his mind anyway.


  • #95
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    Clampdown wrote: »
    Basically you would want to know so you could leave the guy, right? That might not be what OP's wife would want or what is best for her and the kids.

    No!! I would want to know so I could work with my partner, to find out why it happened, try to fix it and try to move on... How could we fix something in our relationship if I didn't even know there was a problem!
    As bad a cheater is, someone who could lie to my face I could never share my life with, it is the worst betrayal!

    I speak from experience, my now fiancé (boyfriend at the time!) cheated on me years ago, we talked and talked and talked and cried and talked and shouted and cried and talked some more... We talked about why it happened, our fears, what had led to it, whether our relationship was right for him, or me or both of us, we talked about trust, if it would happen again and whether WE wanted to stay together.
    2 years later we are engaged, I completely trust him, I trust him because he came clean and I saw the pain he felt nearly ruining things. And it just so happens I would have found out if he didn't tell me as I knew the girl through people.
    I sometimes think if he hadn't told me how many people would have known behind my back and probably pitied me. Because he came clean and I had the chance to forgive him myself, I hold my head high when I see that girl (which I do!) and I don't even feel bad about it anymore.
    He made a choice and I got my choice, he made a mistake but came clean.
    If the relationship had ended it would have been for the right reasons too but at least we still had a relationship to save because both of us were still in it to save.
    Lying to his wife removes her from their marriage, she is on the outside and doesn't even know it, but he will and it will change the relationship but she won't know why!
    It's a marriage, they have even more to consider and it is unlikely she would pack his bags, it is hard to separate and complicated. If he wants to save his relationship, he should trust her to give him a chance to explain and hope that they are strong enough to work through it...

    Ps - I also got cheated on and lied to in a previous relationship so I know how much that sucks when your the last one to know... It's horrible


  • #96
    Eeden
    Registered Users Posts: 17,912 ✭✭✭✭Eeden


    Clampdown wrote: »
    That reaction is exactly why he shouldn't tell. It will ruin the trust and probably ruin the marriage. We can only assume it was a one time thing that the OP feels guilty about and doesn't plan on doing again. If not then I would hope he gets caught too or just gets a divorce. Basically you would want to know so you could leave the guy, right? That might not be what OP's wife would want or what is best for her and the kids.

    The trust has been ruined already, even if the OP's partner doesn't realise it yet. It is now an unbalanced and unfair relationship. He feels that she still trusts him; he knows that she is wrong to do so. Something very fundamental in the relationship has been damaged.


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  • #97
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    arayess wrote: »
    He didn't have an affair , according to the OP it was a once night thing.
    but how he deals with it is now his decision.

    owning up is not in his best interests and I be interested in anybody who could make a case that it was. There is absolutely no benefit to him.
    I'm also intrigued to what you mean by

    " therefore MUST deal with the consequences"

    Can you elaborate?
    OK. ...he cheated,had an affair? They are the same thing when it boils down to it.
    And yes, I can elaborate although I feel my post was clear. He made a conscious choice to sleep with another women and now he has to face the music,like an adult?
    You say he has nothing to gain from telling the truth,how about not living a lie? Looking your wife in the face everyday and straight out lying? It's completely disrespectful and adds insult to injury. You may not agree but I think the op(in the long run) will be glad he choose to tell her himself rather than living in fear one day she will find out from an external factor


  • #98
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ColumnAutofit wrote: »
    It will be far worse if he tells her.

    And even worse if she finds out for someone else.

    I'd tell him to lie if he's shagged a stranger and not even exchanged real names but he gave her his phone number...what else has he told her? Did she know any of the other lads out with him that night? There's far too many outside forces the OP can't control. So his choices are come clean and work on saving the relationship or take the risk on not saying anything and maybe it never comes out but maybe it does and it's very hard to tell someone it was a one off and meant nothing if it's months or even years later and the OP tired to hide it.


  • #99
    cbyrd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,214 ✭✭✭cbyrd


    hellofromvenus wrote:
    OK. ...he cheated,had an affair? They are the same thing when it boils down to it. And yes, I can elaborate although I feel my post was clear. He made a conscious choice to sleep with another women and now he has to face the music,like an adult? You say he has nothing to gain from telling the truth,how about not living a lie?

    I don't agree.
    Having an affair implies that there are emotional factors involved too. There may be a chance that the person has fallen in love/lust with another person who is not their partner.
    A one night stand is emotionless and for the majority, at best a quick thrill especially if the other person is a stranger.
    I have always felt that it is easier to forgive a sexual affair than an emotional one. I think it's more dangerous and harder to walk away from someone you have strong feelings for than a quick ride after a night out.
    I wouldn't understand why the OP has this other woman's number. That would smack of 'well maybe I can get away with it/hedge my bets ' kind of behaviour.
    Op you need to examine your conscience.
    Why was it so easy to have sex with the other woman.?
    Why would you tell your wife?
    Why would you not tell her?
    Why do you still have the other woman's phone number?
    What would you hope to gain by coming clean? Forgiveness and work on the marriage? Or, separation?
    It's not clear cut for any married couple who go through these difficulties. You don't know what your wife's reaction will be when faced with the truth that you were unfaithful.
    We all think that we'd take the moral high ground, I would have thought that about myself too, at one time.
    When you have invested years of emotions and children in one person, there is no reason why with a lot of work that you can work it out.
    Only you know your wife and your marriage.
    Only you can make the ultimate decision as to whether you are up for a world of hurt and able to overcome it.
    This s different as you are not in love with this other woman so realistically there is no competition for your love.
    Think long and hard, morally we would all love to have a perfect relationship, but it rarely happens. There's always ups and downs.
    Good luck with your decision good or bad, it's yours to live with, I don't envy you.


  • #100
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    What happens if the girl you slept with continues to contact you or has found out your second name, discovers you are married and then decides to tell your wife or confronts you? This could also happen OP.

    How would you feel if your wife slept with another guy? would you like to be lied to? would you like to find out second hand?

    Also get an std test for the love of god, not all stds are prevented by condoms.

    You cheated on your wife OP, its time to deal with it, be an adult, deal with it, tell her. She deserves the truth.... If this is gnawing away at you, I can guarantee that your wife knows something is up.


  • #101
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Think of the kids people!!!!!!

    He made a huge mistake but it's going to wreck his entire family if he comes clean - that means his kids.

    I think you don't tell her, not for your sake, for your kids sake. You might get caught out and if you do you have to deal with it. As long as you know this is only a once off then keep schtum.


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  • #102
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Think of the kids people!!!!!!

    He made a huge mistake but it's going to wreck his entire family if he comes clean - that means his kids.

    I think you don't tell her, not for your sake, for your kids sake. You might get caught out and if you do you have to deal with it. As long as you know this is only a once off then keep schtum.

    He should have thought about his kids before he went and shagged some young one just for kicks


  • #103
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    anna080 wrote: »
    He should have thought about his kids before he went and shagged some young one just for kicks

    In an ideal world. Your view is very naive. This goes beyond him and her.


  • #104
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Think of the kids people!!!!!!

    He made a huge mistake but it's going to wreck his entire family if he comes clean - that means his kids.

    While I agree the kids should be considered, I don't think the fact that they have kids is a reason to lie to his wife, nor is having kids a good reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

    Kids survive amicable seperation much better than living with both parents in an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship

    Besides, there is nothing guaranteeing the marriage will end if he comes clean. There is as much a chance they sort it out if he is 110% honest.


  • #105
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    CaraMay wrote: »
    In an ideal world. Your view is very naive. This goes beyond him and her.

    And you think him lying and covering this whole thing up is going to help the kids? How exactly will it help them if it ever comes out and they learn that their dad is not only a cheater but a liar too? I think its your view that is the naive one if you think all of this can be just swept under the carpet, life doesn't work like that.


  • #106
    trixychic
    Registered Users Posts: 1,138 ✭✭✭trixychic


    anna080 wrote: »
    He should have thought about his kids before he went and shagged some young one just for kicks

    He has already admitted he made a mistake. Your comment is way to harsh imo. It was a one night spur of the moment thing.

    If my OH cheated and felt as bad as you op I would hope that I would be able to work on it with him. After many yrs of love and dedication it would be worth being honest. I'm very anti cheating too... and I can't tell you exactly what will happen or even how I would react. I know she will be angry but you may be able to work through it.

    Who knows. It could even bring you closer together.


  • #107
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    anna080 wrote: »
    And you think him lying and covering this whole thing up is going to help the kids? How exactly will it help them if it ever comes out and they learn that their dad is not only a cheater but a liar too?

    You would need to be a total villain to tell kids their father cheated. This is between him and his wife at most. Their job is to protect the kids and not drab them into their dramas.


  • #108
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You would need to be a total villain to tell kids their father cheated. This is between him and his wife at most. Their job is to protect the kids and not drab them into their dramas.

    So what does having kids have to do with telling his wife he cheated?
    They should both be mature enough to work it out without inviolvung the kids!


  • #109
    stevowhelo1
    Registered Users Posts: 52 ✭✭stevowhelo1


    A wise man once told me that the trust it lost in an event like this and that relationship will never be the same again


  • #110
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Ann84 wrote: »
    So what does having kids have to do with telling his wife he cheated?
    They should both be mature enough to work it out without inviolvung the kids!
    But she won't be by the sounds of it


  • #111
    Natalia Unimportant Zipper
    Posts: 0 ✭ Natalia Unimportant Zipper


    Regardless of whether his telling her will destroy the family, he has put himself in an unbelievably bad position. There's still the fact that more than likely someone else saw them leave together and is smart enough to put two and two together. The OP is going to have this over their head. Then the fact that she has his number. There's so many ways that the OP can be identified through this alone now.


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  • #112
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    CaraMay wrote: »
    You would need to be a total villain to tell kids their father cheated. This is between him and his wife at most. Their job is to protect the kids and not drab them into their dramas.

    Cara may I think it's you who has naive perception here not me. Kids aren't stupid. When mammy kicks daddy out because she found out he's a lying cheating scumbag, this info could come at anytime, anywhere, she may be in the middle of Xmas shopping with the kids, on a night out with friends, at mass.. Wherever! and she has to react to that news accordingly...how do you think that will effect them? Or daddy could confess to mammy, privately and in his own time. Admit he fcuked up, ask for forgiveness, counselling, whatever it takes. Then mammy makes a sensible, informed decision and they move from there. I know for me which one sounds better for the kids.

    The op can't choose when his wife may find out, but he can choose when he may want to tell her. He has lost control of the situation completely and by telling his wife he will be taking it back.


  • #113
    PressRun
    Registered Users Posts: 3,125 ✭✭✭PressRun


    People keep referring to this as a "mistake". In what world is flirting with someone, leaving with them, going back to their place, kissing, taking off clothes, having sex and then giving them your number the following morning a "mistake"? Not to mention he did all of this in a totally clear-headed manner. That's not a mistake. The OP needs to examine why he chose to do this, and somewhere deep down he knows why he did it. Own your actions and take responsibility rather than trying to absolve yourself under the excuse of "it was a mindless mistake". People don't do things for no reason.


  • #114
    bilbot79
    Registered Users Posts: 1,980 ✭✭✭bilbot79


    One of the things people have suggested again and again is that the op has to get an std test. He doesn't, that's just another way to pile guilt and blame on him by people who hate him for what he did. There's no more requirement for him to get an std test than for anybody that had sex with anybody for the first time ever


  • #115
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Mod note
    Bilbot79

    Don't post to this thread again, this is you last chance in this forum.
    PI has a certain expectation of the quality of advice given, and whether you are choosing to ignore that or are just not getting it can I suggest you take some time to browse other threads here before posting again in PI. Otherwise having already received an infraction the next mod action has to be a forum ban.


  • #116
    screamer
    Registered Users Posts: 6,130 ✭✭✭screamer


    OP sounds like you're really sorry for what you did but really there's some motivation that caused you to do this and that is what you need to figure out.

    I agree with others here you were missed from that stag night probably some of the guys saw you leaving with her and it's easy that that news will get to your wife.

    You know her better than anyone and deep down you know the best approach to take.


  • #117
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    A few things to say.

    A lot of people seem to want to massively exaggerate, in my opinion, the chances this is going to come out even if you don't tell her. I really don't know what they're basing that on.

    All anyone knows is you left at the same time as a girl you had talked to, that's it, so that's all anyone that was there could say. No one went back to her place with you two and sat on the bed and watched you have sex, right? Of course not. All anyone knows is you walked out the door at the same time. And probably a very very small number of people even noticed that.

    Will they say? Almost certainly not. First of all, it's a bucks party, people don't run off telling tales. That's part of the deal.
    Second of all, there has been dozens of threads on here, with people asking if they should let someone know thier partner was cheating, 90% of the advice is to not get involved, it's none of your business. 99% of the time the person starting the thread agrees. Even when the person is conflicted about telling, almost all the time they won't, for many many reasons.

    Thirdly, will the girl track you down by Facebook, or start constantly ringing you at 2am? Well, did she ask you a lot if you liked boiled rabbit? Did she have pentagrams burned into her carpet? Did she seem like a psycho?
    You had a one night stand with some woman. If she doesn't hear from you, or you don't reply to a text from her, she won't think about it for half a second again. It's par for the course. Just go into the app store and download one of the apps that let you block specific numbers. Block her. If she tries to get in touch, which she probably won't as she'll be waiting for you to first, then the message won't go through or the call won't ring, and she'll think either you fake numbered her, or she took it down wrong or whatever, and that will be that, she'll forget about it forever and move on.

    So the odds of your wife ever finding out, other than by you telling her, are miniscule to the point of non-existence.

    If you tell her she will know. If you don't she never will. That's the actual situation you have to deal with.

    With that in mind you have two choices.

    Tell her. You know better than people here how that will end up. But odds are with her heart broken and the marriage gone. Divorce.

    Dont tell her. Her heart unbroken, marriage still in play, and you to spend the rest of your life being a better husband than you were that night and making her happy.

    Dont be stupid.


  • #118
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    ^^ What happens if he's out with the wife and kids perhaps doing a spot of Christmas shopping and bumps into this young one? I think it's very presumptuous of you to say he will never ever encounter or hear from her again. The op doesn't say where they stag took place, but it could even have been in his own town or a town nearby.


  • #119
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    anna080 wrote: »
    ^^ What happens if he's out with the wife and kids perhaps doing a spot of Christmas shopping and bumps into this young one? I think it's very presumptuous of you to say he will never ever encounter or hear from her again. The op doesn't say where they stag took place, but it could even have been in his own town or a town nearby.

    Just to clarify ... the OP didn't say it was a stag as far as I can see? He called it a "buck's night out", which I would read as a lads' night out, but maybe I'm missing something ... is a "buck's night out" slang for a stag?

    If it wasn't a stag, and just a boys' night, I'm assuming it was local enough, which makes his predicament a little worse in terms of running into her again, unless he's living in Dublin or a large city (although you'd be surprised, even in a city, at the likeliness of that).


  • #120
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    pookie82 wrote: »
    Just to clarify ... the OP didn't say it was a stag as far as I can see? He called it a "buck's night out", which I would read as a lads' night out, but maybe I'm missing something ... is a "buck's night out" slang for a stag?

    If it wasn't a stag, and just a boys' night, I'm assuming it was local enough, which makes his predicament a little worse in terms of running into her again, unless he's living in Dublin or a large city (although you'd be surprised, even in a city, at the likeliness of that).

    I was always under the impression that Bucks night out was just another colloquial term for stag night. Aussies tend to call it a bucks night instead of stag


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  • #121
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    anna080 wrote: »
    ^^ What happens if he's out with the wife and kids perhaps doing a spot of Christmas shopping and bumps into this young one? I think it's very presumptuous of you to say he will never ever encounter or hear from her again. The op doesn't say where they stag took place, but it could even have been in his own town or a town nearby.

    In the unlikely event that this woman who it is clear from the OP that he has never met before in the whole rest of his life, happens to wander up face to face with him and his wife and kids, or accidently gets hired over the phone to be thier new nanny, or some other American soap opera style coincidence comes into play? Then what will happen is - absolutely nothing. She'll stop for a moment and think "is that that guy from that night?" then she'll go about her day. What do you think will happen? She will approach this woman she doesn't know and say "Sorry for interrupting your family day out, but I'm pretty sure I had sex with this man that appears to be your husband a number of weeks ago. I just thought you should know."

    Nope sorry. I understand that people really want to believe in this version of the world where karma or whatever hunts down people that have cheated and exposes them through a series of unlikely events, like happens on Coronation St. But it's the real world. 99%+ of these instances never come out, and are resigned to history and forgotten about forever. It might not seem fair to people, it might make them stress out about the fact that yes, thier partner may have cheated in them before and they will never ever know it, but life isn't fair.


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