Out of the game too long :(

LegacyUser · 17-11-2015 3:42pm #1

Hi there,

I'm 32 and single maybe 4 years - there has been a few insignificant flings a while ago which ultimately led me to just be fairly self-sufficient and although I've always assumed I'd meet someone again I found it so hard to trust and do and say the right thing I just became really happy by myself and stopped really caring too much. My job is fairly consuming so it's not been a big deal.

So, I met a guy at a house party around a month ago. I liked him straight away and we didn't kiss or anything, just chatted and exchanged numbers, he asked me out but was going away for a few days so it was 2 weeks before we actually met up. During this time I heard so little from him I presumed the date wasn't going to happen but was happy enough to go along with it when I did hear from him again.

So, date went well, great fun, good chats, went back to his apartment and hung out for a while, kissed - no funny business and home. I heard nothing from him at all the next day but he did text to apologise the following day that he hadn't been in touch.

We've been out twice since and it was similar, good fun, good chats and no intimacy really beyond kissing.

The thing is, I don't hear much from him in between dates. He usually starts a text conversation, I'll answer and he might answer once then he'll leave me hanging - even with an unanswered question only to start a whole new "How was your day" conversation the next day or following day.

I've started to realise this is his way but it feels a bit strange to me. It's almost unnatural like - we have things to talk about but he choses to abandon the whole chat and then revert to awkward "Did you have a nice day?" messages.

Maybe I've got my guard up to tight here but does anyone else think this is odd? I haven't dated for a while so I'm not sure really

He's also mentioned a few times that he's very nervous around me as he hasn't dated anyone for a while too and i'm intimidating (which I don't mean to be)

marizpan · 17-11-2015 4:43pm

From reading your post, but I could be wrong, he seems to be doing all the chasing.
After the first date or two, the contact should be coming from both parties.
Are you coming across cold/guarded?
Why are ye texting instead of ringing?

bloominballix · 17-11-2015 4:47pm

marizpan wrote: »

Why are ye texting instead of ringing?

Because it's 2015 maybe?

Op, he sounds like a bit of a messer. His texting habits alone would piss me off no end, I would have probably deleted his number by now.

Rekop dog · 17-11-2015 4:49pm

He's plying games and its working by the sounds of it. Woman tend to respond better early in dating to men being stand offish with contact, feeds into your insecurities... If you're overly sitting by your phone waiting for replies he's got you exactly where he wants you.

PinkLemonade · 17-11-2015 4:50pm

I'm not a fan of guys that are too chatty over text, some people rather conduct conversions in person, and that's okay (so is the opposite! ), as long as it suits both of you, theres not really a problem

magicmushroom · 17-11-2015 4:51pm

puttingitoutthere wrote: »

Hi there,

I'm 32 and single maybe 4 years - there has been a few insignificant flings a while ago which ultimately led me to just be fairly self-sufficient and although I've always assumed I'd meet someone again I found it so hard to trust and do and say the right thing I just became really happy by myself and stopped really caring too much. My job is fairly consuming so it's not been a big deal.

So, I met a guy at a house party around a month ago. I liked him straight away and we didn't kiss or anything, just chatted and exchanged numbers, he asked me out but was going away for a few days so it was 2 weeks before we actually met up. During this time I heard so little from him I presumed the date wasn't going to happen but was happy enough to go along with it when I did hear from him again.

So, date went well, great fun, good chats, went back to his apartment and hung out for a while, kissed - no funny business and home. I heard nothing from him at all the next day but he did text to apologise the following day that he hadn't been in touch.

We've been out twice since and it was similar, good fun, good chats and no intimacy really beyond kissing.

The thing is, I don't hear much from him in between dates. He usually starts a text conversation, I'll answer and he might answer once then he'll leave me hanging - even with an unanswered question only to start a whole new "How was your day" conversation the next day or following day.

I've started to realise this is his way but it feels a bit strange to me. It's almost unnatural like - we have things to talk about but he choses to abandon the whole chat and then revert to awkward "Did you have a nice day?" messages.

Maybe I've got my guard up to tight here but does anyone else think this is odd? I haven't dated for a while so I'm not sure really

He's also mentioned a few times that he's very nervous around me as he hasn't dated anyone for a while too and i'm intimidating (which I don't mean to be)

I would probably just put it down to this.
Not everyone is very good at small talk via text, some people love it and others hate it.

If everything else is going well then I wouldn't worry.
Maybe he's better chatting on the phone? What don't you give him a call tonight after work - just to say hi - and see how that goes?

beks101 · 17-11-2015 5:09pm

Does he have a job that prevents him from being able to spend time on personal texts etc on his phone all day?

I'd always have my phone to hand and would usually see texts etc straight away, but it's usually a few hours before I can pull myself away from my work to respond. Especially the texts of an over-and-backing nature. It'd look downright unprofessional if I was up to that at work, so with the OH I usually stick to a text message here or there and then a phone call after work.

It's hard to gauge if he's just not a texter, if he doesn't have the means to reply immediately or if he's just not bothered. I'd guess it's more of 1 or 2 tbh, if he always gets around to it eventually and if he's asked you out a few times.

Maybe take the focus off the text messages and see if he makes an effort to ask you out again. If he really likes you he won't be able to stop himself from contacting you on a regular basis.

keane2097 · 17-11-2015 5:31pm

Some people find texting really tedious.

TBH it seems like it should be a long way behind how ye actually get along in person when deciding how to proceed in a new relationship (in the informal sense of the word).

LegacyUser · 17-11-2015 5:48pm

Thanks for the answers.

Well, if it's a game he's playing it's not really working as I like him but I just keep forgetting about him when I hear nothing!!

Then it's like - "Oh yea, that guy"

If he keeps it up I'm just not going to bother because it kills off any momentum before it has a chance - hence the confusion.

Besides the odd texting I really really like him, I've not been out with him enough to have actual feelings of course but I do think in person we have great chemistry....

It's hard to explain but it's like - the way he communicates in between dates makes every date feel like a first date and like we're not making any progress....

Maybe it's difficult to explain but I'll mosey on with it and see if he breaks out of his shell

stickyfinger · 17-11-2015 8:05pm

I wouldn't worry about it too much, it's probably just the nerves, and seeing as he's told you that he's probably not lying! And he'll probably be ok once you get to know each other a bit better. 4 years out of relationships isn't that long, he could be out of them longer and be more nervous about it too.

Augme · 17-11-2015 10:21pm

I'm pretty much the same. I don't really bother texting and I only do it because it seems now a days you have to make some sort of effort. Although, quite often I don't. I prefer getting to know someone in person(or at the very least over the phone) rather than through text messages. If it's a problem the I'd recommend either saying something to him or just pulling the plug because I doubt he's going to change without any prompt.

Alf Veedersane · 17-11-2015 10:30pm

Same kinda story: I met a girl at a house party, went on a date, kissed, I'd text the next day but she didn't engage hugely in texting. We'd meet on a date and get in great but between dates she wasn't hugely chatty by text.

That was 8 years, a wedding and a child ago.

She just wasn't much of a texter.

Point being that how you get on in person is more indicative.

magneticimpulse · 18-11-2015 1:08am

If a guy likes you he will make time for you no matter how busy he is. What time of day does he text you? If it's always late at night he could be a game player especially if he is disconnected and distant from you in general. If he knows you've been single for a while he could play that as an advantage to him and knowing you are more interested in him then he is. He doesn't sound like he is making an effort to get to know you besides just flirty and kissing - if he not interested in getting to know your interests/likes....most likely a game player

If it's early when he texts you in the day he might just not have much to text about - in which case do you have much in common? Usually the gut feeling is one to go with - if you are getting shifty vibes from him I'd keep guarded until I got to know him more - or you will decide there is someone better match for you out there.

wetlandsboy · 19-11-2015 12:47am

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Same kinda story: I met a girl at a house party, went on a date, kissed, I'd text the next day but she didn't engage hugely in texting. We'd meet on a date and get in great but between dates she wasn't hugely chatty by text.

That was 8 years, a wedding and a child ago.

She just wasn't much of a texter.

Point being that how you get on in person is more indicative.

Yes, totally agree. It's very difficult to be spontaneous and witty on text. Best to base opinions on how you get on on the basis of face to face interaction.

bloominballix · 19-11-2015 12:58am

It's absolutely fine if you're not into texting, but if that's the case don't initiate conversations via text and then stop responding! It's just rude.

Figbiscuithead · 19-11-2015 7:38am

bloominballix wrote: »

It's absolutely fine if you're not into texting, but if that's the case don't initiate conversations via text and then stop responding! It's just rude.

Well I don't think that's a given, tbh. I often don't respond to emails immediately, so perhaps he sees texting as similar or he might forget if he's not a natural texter or, like me, he might find that kind of communication tedious irrespective of who he's in touch with. I just responded to a friend's whatsapp a moment ago about something she needed but I read the text last night while at work and couldn't get back to it. I meant to reply but it slipped my mind once I left work. I wouldn't be reading too much into this stuff, personally as I think it's too easy to write off someone nice if you do - they get along well in person and that's really important. I'd say it's more common for women to Whatsapp or whatever than it is for men ime.

Alf Veedersane · 19-11-2015 8:29am

It's not like he's blanking a barrage of questions in the 2 weeks that the OP has noticed this. People that aren't big into texting are more prone to forgetting to respond to a text because they'll see it and say they'll reply later. I've noticed that from good friends over the years. I did wonder at first but I came to realise why. Doesn't mean they're rude or disrespectful to me. In the same way the guy in the OP isn't necessarily being rude. He probably doesn't even realise he left a question hanging.

WheatenBriar · 19-11-2015 4:25pm

puttingitoutthere wrote: »

If he keeps it up I'm just not going to bother because it kills off any momentum before it has a chance - hence the confusion.

Besides the odd texting I really really like him,

Oh for forks sake,when you're out on your next date,just tell him the above
Be proactive yourself and actually put some work into it
You organise a few dates
Take a day trip over to Holyhead or something

bloominballix · 19-11-2015 5:36pm

WheatenBriar wrote: »

Take a day trip over to Holyhead or something

You old romantic you...

Dellnum · 21-11-2015 10:25am

He could be just nervous of the intimacy thing, after all you have been on a couple of dates so he knows he needs to progress now on this maybe with the next date. Ask him out for the next date and have a chat about what you both expect from this. Nothing ventured nothing gained !

LegacyUser · 21-11-2015 5:21pm

Hey OP here again,

Thanks for all the answers!

Well, I think my gut instinct on this chap is what led me to post here - when all is well I think things run a bit more smoothly and there isn't cause for concern. Just to update on my concerns being well-founded.

The texting (or lack there of) and inconsistencies seemed off, despite having a great date last Saturday where he asked me to do a night away this weekend and texting like a normal person on Monday - more than usual even, I noticed afterward he'd deleted his rather active facebook page. I didn't comment or pretend I'd noticed.

On Tuesday he said he'd a lot of expense this week and it might be wise to postpone the night away until another night to which I responded saying that's grand, totally understand.

Since then.....radio silence.

Seems a bit odd but our mutual friend (whose more my friend than his) was suspicious from the get-go that he said his last relationship was over 2 years ago - she believed it was more like months than years. Also, he said he'd been in touch with her on the first date and on the second date said "I don't stay in touch with exes, it's unhealthy"

There's nothing to be gained from trying to work out what happened here, I don't think it has anything to do with me but I'll be quicker to listen to my gut instinct on things not being right the next time.

I really appreciate all of the feedback - thank you

magneticimpulse · 22-11-2015 2:46pm

You have your answer so. He went from taking you away this weekend to not even contacting you to do something less expensive to hang out with you that didn't involve spending the night together. If he was really interested he would have at least suggested going to a Christmas market/coffee/walk in a park or watching a movie etc....lots of things he could have suggested.

With Christmas coming up he might have gotten back with the ex, especially if you only met him one month ago and he was still in touch with her then. Also if he was still in touch with her 4weeks ago....it's more likely they only separated recently as oppose to 2years ago....in which case he is noT coming across as an honest person. Either way do you really want to waste time with someone so flakey ?

Also you said he deleted his facebook this week....did he delete it or did he just block you on it? It suggests he might be hiding from you information - is he back with his ex? Was he ever single to begin with? Or he has met someone else? His behaviour is really odd either way.

Dellnum · 22-11-2015 5:27pm

I feel he is just not ready for another relationship yet. One minute he thinks he should encourage you and the next minute he distances himself from you. The only way you can find out for sure what is going on is to ask him.

silverbolt · 26-11-2015 7:27pm

puttingitoutthere wrote: »

Thanks for the answers.

why dont YOU text HIM?

Its 2015, why dont you try initiating the conversation instead of waiting for him to come to you?

If hes playing games then you will find out in due course.

*edit - it fizzled out, never mind

beks101 · 27-11-2015 2:19pm

It's all a bit headfcuky OP, isn't it? I don't think it's so much about him being a crap texter, as it is about the inconsistencies in his behaviour and the hot-and-cold way he is with you.

If it's like this after a mere few weeks, can you imagine how much of an emotional wreck you'd be if you actually got into a relationship with this fella?

Any time I've ever been hurt or messed around by a guy, every single time, I could pinpoint a gut instinct I got early on that I chose to ignore or disregard. Your gut is currently on red alert with this chap. I think that says it all really. Onwards and upwards.

Dellnum · 27-11-2015 5:09pm

When someone is interested in you OP you don't have to ask anyone else what they think about the situation because it is always obvious. Just remember that.

Out of the game too long :(

Comments