Helpless college student with serious family issues!

depressed student 93 · 07-12-2013 12:43am #1

This is going to be a very long post and I apologise in advance but I am desperate for someone to give me some help or advice!
I'm currently in my final year of college studying for a bachelor's honours degree and usually I was very close to my mam and sister since my mam left my dad whem I was 16. However recently me and my mams relationship is non existent. She started seeing a guy who lived next door who EVERYONE disliked. He was rude and arrogant and her close friend fell out with her over it. At the time my 13 year old sister was self harming so I felt my mam needed to give her her utmost attention rather than spending all of her time with this new guy. When I told my mam this she kicked me out. I have no job and no money and nowhere to go other than my dads. I've been living with him for a couple of months now and we seemed to get along. He goes to the pub every night so some nights I have dinner ready for him or we get takeaways. However tonight there were two microwavable dinners in the fridge so I had one for my dinner. This resulted in my dad coming home and telling me that I shouldn't of eaten HIS food and anything he puts in the fridge is his food and only if I buy food will I be able to eat it. I'm very confused cause I honestly have no idea what I done. There was plenty more food in the fridge and even a dinner he had previously cooked ready waiting for him. I'm so depressed and feel like I don't have anyone to talk to cause I feel that the whole thing sounds ridiculous and somehow it sounds like I deserve it but I just don't know why. If there's any parents out there that can help me understand please do. I thought parents were supposed to look after their children and even though I'm 20 I still am their child. One parent turning their back on me was hard enough but both of them is unbearable.

freshpopcorn · 07-12-2013 1:07am

Well I am not a parent but you shouldn't have told your mam what to do regarding her relationship with the man. She has to start getting on with her life and she had every right to start a new relationship. (It would be al right to suggest that we need to be there for her for the next few while to support her)
Would you like to rebuild the relationship with her? To do this you need to have a chat about you being worried about your sister and you need to apologise.
I am sorry to hear about your sister. Is she seeing someone to talk about how she feeling.
Your dad might find it unusual living with you if he was use to his independence and ye might have had just a little fight tonight.
Have you any part time job/ have you tried getting one? Can you get a college grant/ assistance off the college to help you get money.

depressed student 93 · 07-12-2013 1:18am

Yeah I had apologised to her about the guy and explained why I said it in that it was to ensure my sister was getting the help she needed so we arranged for her to see a counsellor and she went once and said she didn't want to go again so my mam stopped the sessions to which no one agreed with so now my sister isn't getting the help she needs. We've tried getting along but the relationship is just destroyed since she kicked me out and I don't see her in the same way I did. In regards to my dad he done the same thing when I stayed with him for a weekend a couple of years ago. I ate dinner he had left in the fridge and when I returned to the house the next evening he had changed the locks. I do understand that they individually have their own views and opinions and that what I do conflict with them I just don't understand the need for such drastic reactions on their behalf? I had a part time job up until just before I was kicked out and since then I've applied to jobs at least twice a month and unfortunately have had no luck this far. A job really would be the perfect solution so I could get out of the house and buy my own food but unfortunately I haven't been that lucky

freshpopcorn · 07-12-2013 1:26am

Does your mother forgive you and do you forgive your mother for kicking you out. She might have being upset/angry the night she did. If you ever want ye're relationship to rebuild forgiveness is important.
Siblings/parents do fall out from time to time and sometimes parents kick their children out of home. Normally these things work out and the relationships do repair but it does require work from both sides.
Where are you staying tonight? Have you a friend/relative that you could get support from?
It would also be hard for you mam to make your sister to go to counselling if she didn't want to go.

depressed student 93 · 07-12-2013 1:35am

I don't think she really does, she says she does but yet she's not herself around me and vice versa. I do think I could forgive her but it's not something I'd easily forget. I'm staying at my dads house as there isn't really anywhere else I could go and I'm praying that in the morning he might explain why he did what he did tonight but most likely it'll just never be mentioned again which will mean that I will feel uncomfortable eating anything that's in the house that I didn't buy. I do feel like the whole family should go to counselling together so all the issues can be sorted out but unfortunately trying to convince four people to do something they don't want to do is very difficult

freshpopcorn · 07-12-2013 1:46am

Sorry now for replying again. I don't mean to be annoying you.
Well if your dad changed the locks and your staying their tonight he hasn't entirely kicked you out yet.
They are plenty of reasons why he might have being angry with you other than the dinner.( I have a feeling that they might be other issues regarding ye're relationship)
It's hard to get people to go to counselling because it's not for everyone. I know it isn't for me. So it mightn't be for members of your family either. It is for some people tough. Have you ever considered going to counselling alone?

depressed student 93 · 07-12-2013 1:53am

No don't be sorry you're being very helpful! Yeah he changed the locks a couple of years back and thankfully he hasn't done something as drastic this time round. I do feel like there's more to it too but I don't have any issues with him and I'm totally unaware if he has any with me (other than eating food from "his" fridge). Yeah I actually found a free counselling service run by the hse so I was going to try call tomorrow if they're open

LegacyUser · 07-12-2013 2:13am

Hi OP,

I'd also be very upset at what your dad said- its just telling you that you can live with him but showing you you're not welcome. Talking the talk but not walking the walk if you know what i mean.

I'm actually in a similar situation myself, I'm older than you and living in the family home with my mum who doesn't allow me to go into the sitting room or wash a plate up after myself (i do it wrong). I also think that your dad changing the locks a few years ago was a horrible thing to do. I have cousins that were kicked out of home for unbelievably crazy reasons (don't want to say for identification purposes) and even though they were 19/ 20/ 21 at the time, it has impacted on them.

I know this will be very hard, but i think you should try to concentrate on yourself and your future- your current situation is temporary, don't let it drag you down too much, and this is paramount. You're in a very tough situation, but use it the best as you can.
Be there for your sister (who i honestly think needs to return to counselling- its a long process, one visit is not even nearly enough to get any sort of help). you say you have apologized to your mum, but are still affected- i don't blame you for this and i think it would be hard not to be. But to repair that relationship will take time.

I see a lot of parallels with your life and mine, i just want to say i don't think you're over reacting, and i'm thinking of you

All the very best

Matteroffact · 07-12-2013 5:59am

I think that your father lashed out because he feels that you are sponging off him. He doesn't know how to cope with having you in the house and not working. I do understand how you feel though and it is very tough to have to put up with that behavior. He is not helping you by treating you like this. He should be encouraging you to better yourself and help you in your last year of college, but I guess he doesn't know how.

Could you have a chat with him tomorrow and explain to him how you feel, e.g. that you feel so unloved and alone, kicked out by your mother and now feeling very unwelcome by him. Tell him this is destroying your confidence and that you need to feel that he/someone cares. Sometimes people lash out when they cannot cope. Your father probably doesn't know how to help you so he lashes out at you. I would tell him how you feel though and not in a confrontational way. If it was when he came back from the pub he might have just had one too many and anger kicked in. It is not fair though. He might be okay tomorrow OP, try not to worry about this. There will be better days ahead. Hang on in there. Ask him what the situation is regards food in the fridge.

Tell him you have no money to feed yourself because you are studying and you would appreciate it if he could stand by you until you are finished studying and you get a job. If you humbly discuss this with him he might understand you better. Also, it might be no harm to ask him how you can repay him for his generosity for allowing you to stay in his house (this might make him melt as he probably feels unappreciated himself and may feel that you are taking him for granted)

emo72 · 08-12-2013 1:40pm

Both parents seem a bit harsh to be honest. She hasn't finished her education yet and can't support herself. Dad drinks every night? That's not great. Feed and shelter your kids until they are finished school/college. I would have considered the minimum to do for your kids. Maybe I'm soft.

Magicmatilda · 08-12-2013 1:42pm

Your dad is being horrible, I'm amazed people are making excused for him. Changing the locks over a dinner is not a healthy response. Going to the pub every night may indicate an alcohol problem?I suggest you do your best to get away from both patents and become independent.

Firstly go and see your college counsellor, you need help in this too, then go and see the welfare officer. There will be financial supports available you just need to find them.

Do you have any friends you can stay with?

freshpopcorn · 08-12-2013 1:51pm

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Your dad is being horrible, I'm amazed people are making excused for him. Changing the locks over a dinner is not a healthy response.

She said he changed the locks a couple of years ago, not over the food thing.

Helpless college student with serious family issues!

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