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29-08-2014, 19:55   #6631
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I'll never forget what my Granddad said to me on his death bed.

"What are you doing with that pillow?"
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29-08-2014, 20:05   #6632
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Originally Posted by edgecutter View Post
I'll never forget what my Granddad said to me on his death bed.

"What are you doing with that pillow?"
Probably posted before, Grandad on his death bed with all his fighting family around him "Cough splutter the money is in the cough splutttteer"

Ps short version.
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29-08-2014, 20:09   #6633
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A married couple were at a school reunion when the wife nudges her husband and says "see that fella over there, I heard he took to the drink 20 years ago when I broke up with him and he hasnt stopped since"

He replies "jaysus didnt think anyone could celebrate for that long"
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29-08-2014, 20:41   #6634
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A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will be on their backs waving their legs in the air.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls into bed wrecked..

The next morning, hes so tired he cannot even get out of bed to look at the sheep. He nudges his wife and says" look out the window are those sheep on their backs, legs waving in the air?. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck beeping the horn!
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30-08-2014, 08:18   #6635
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My sister in law was going into town on the rip last night. I couldnt help notice her fake nails, false tan, fake hand bag, false eye lashes, fake boobs, false hair, fake jewellery. I said to her "you must be going out to get a fella." she replied "sure there's no 'Real Men' left in this town."
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Yesterday, 05:25   #6636
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" Fat Penguin "

I just thought I'd say something to break the ice......
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Yesterday, 11:34   #6637
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A youngster was desperate, had no other place and was screwing his girl on a railway track.

The driver of the approaching train starts hooting from a distance but the couple ignore it.

He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few inches away from the couple.

He jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who has just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants.

The driver yells, "Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last fúck?!!!"

Boy,"Listen dude, you were coming... She was coming.... and I was coming.... then I realised ....only you have brakes !!
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Yesterday, 16:05   #6638
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This is a true story.

Back in the early 90s, many groups of likely lads and lasses across the land
started going on foreign weekends away on the beer.

This was made possible by cheap flights from the likes Ryanair, British Midland
and EasyJet. Most people were working, and could head off a few times a year
for a piss up and maybe a grope of some foreign talent.

My older brother and his friends, who were at the time in their early 20s,
started to go on these trips every few months - Manchester, Newcastle,
Prague, and of course, Europe's sex and drug capital - Amsterdam.

One weekend my brother and a few of his friends went over to Amsterdam for the first time.

One of their group, a chap called Jackie, couldn't go as he was working.

One of the lads on the trip, a chap called Col, wakes up on Saturday Afternoon and
decides to ring Jackie, to let him know what he's missing.

So he heads out of the hostel and finds a telephone box. Col slots in a few
Dutch Guilder coins and dials his friend's house back in Ireland.




"Hello Mrs. Smith, it's Colin, how are you?"

"Ah hello Colin, how are you? Are you having fun in Amsterdam?"

"Ah it's lovely here, the canals and the houses are beautiful. We were in the Van Gogh museum
yesterday and today we're going to go on a tour of the Heineken brewery."

"Oh be-dads, mind you don't have one too many on the tour and fall in a canal, ha ha."

"Ha ha, no I won't, is John there?"

"He is Colin, still in bed as usual. John! It's Colin on the phone for you."

"Well enjoy yourself Colin and I'll see your mam down the town, don't forget and give her a
call as well, won't you?"

"I rang her when we landed yesterday, Mrs. Smith."

"Ah good lad Colin, here he is now - still half asleep as usual, bye Colin, God bless."

"Bye Bye Mrs. Smith."


"Jackie, it's Col."

"Ah good man Col what's the crack, whats Amsterdam like?"

"Oh man, it's brilliant."


"We got here last night and went straight out to the red light district.
We went to a sex show, it was amazing. You should have seen your man's knob
It was like a ruler."

"Yeah? Deadly!"

"Then we went to the coffee shops after that, big lumps of hash laid out in like a salad bar
and you pick what you want and they'll make up joints for you there and then."

"Are ya serious?"

Ah it's mental Jackie, they cops are strolling by the window and we're puffing away and having
a beer. Brilliant."


"It's unbelievable, You'd want to see the women here."

"Oh man I'm raging, I couldn't go."

"Ah here, wait 'til I tell you, Jackie the best thing is these wanking booths, they have them everywhere."

"No way!"

"Yeah they're all over the place here. You'd never see anything like them at home."

"LISTEN COL!" shouts Jackie all excited, "BRING ME BACK A PAIR I'M A SIZE 9!"

Last edited by barneysplash; Yesterday at 22:42.
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Yesterday, 17:26   #6639
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A Chinese man dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?" asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus," says the china man.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your curry is here."
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