Am I mad to pursue this

LegacyUser · 20-07-2014 10:49pm #1

I was married for 6 years a long time ago , mercifully no children but a really acrimonious horrible break-up.
Recently I had some work done by this really lovely guy, kept finding excuses to return to his workshop and I am totally smitten. I have done some research among friends ,who know him better than I and it seems he has never been married, definitely not gay, no sign of a girlfriend and has lived alone for as long as anyone can remember. He must be mid fifties but is fit and looks great for his age. I just want to ask him out but my best friend tells me I am being crazy and dating someone who has lived alone for thirty years or more is just asking for trouble and a serious letdown. Am I just being ridiculous or is there any chance this could work?

Merkin · 21-07-2014 1:12am

Maybe he just hasn't met the right person. You have absolutely nothing to lose, good luck!

ABajaninCork · 21-07-2014 1:37am

I agree. If you don't ask, you don't get! Good luck!

Lou.m · 21-07-2014 2:51am

Go for it!

CaraMay · 21-07-2014 8:33am

Ah go for it. I know a fella who got engaged to his 1st gf age 50.

I would take it easy though - ask him for coffee.

Where does your friend get off with her stupid opinions?!?!?

JillyQ · 21-07-2014 8:40am

Go for it op. As cara said where does your friend get off with her opinions. I know plenty of people in there 40s & 50s who live on there own & would love to be asked out.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2014 11:53pm

OP back again, thank you all for your advice.

Called this evening just as he was closing up. Told him I would love to have a chat with him sometime outside of work and if he would be interested in meeting up sometime for an informal cup of coffee or a drink.
The next part shocked me.
Are you married or single he asked. Single of course I replied, have been for 18 years.
He said he didn't consider someone single if they had once been married and their husband was still living. That he would feel very uncomfortable to be seen in public socialising with another man's wife.
WTF I just couldn't believe my ears , sounds like 1940's Ireland. I feel totally humiliated and just recovering from sobbing my eyes out

Tokyo · 23-07-2014 11:26am

Unfortunately it seems like his mentality is firmly entrenched in the past, and that's not something you're going to change anytime soon. Rights or wrong of the way he thinks aside, at least you have your answer now as to where you stand in his eyes, and can move on. There are plenty of guys out there that would be more than happy to spend time with you and be seen with you.

CaraMay · 23-07-2014 11:27am

Ah no that was terribly mean of him. He can have his views but didn't need to tell you them. He could just have said no thanks

Don't feel bad as it's more about him than you.

Well done for trying

Tilly · 23-07-2014 11:36am

crazyclown wrote: »

OP back again, thank you all for your advice.

Called this evening just as he was closing up. Told him I would love to have a chat with him sometime outside of work and if he would be interested in meeting up sometime for an informal cup of coffee or a drink.
The next part shocked me.
Are you married or single he asked. Single of course I replied, have been for 18 years.
He said he didn't consider someone single if they had once been married and their husband was still living. That he would feel very uncomfortable to be seen in public socialising with another man's wife.
WTF I just couldn't believe my ears , sounds like 1940's Ireland. I feel totally humiliated and just recovering from sobbing my eyes out

He's a twit! I'd say you got a lucky break seeing this side of him. You'll find someone worth your while

GreeBo · 23-07-2014 11:43am

CaraMay wrote: »

Ah no that was terribly mean of him. He can have his views but didn't need to tell you them. He could just have said no thanks

Don't feel bad as it's more about him than you.

Well done for trying

OP I think its better to know the reason why he didnt want to date you, not that he didnt find you attractive or nice etc, but he has a specific that dating you would break.

I'd much prefer that than "no thanks" because I'd immediately assume the reason was me in that case.

ManOfMystery · 23-07-2014 11:53am

Yup, there's nothing 'wrong' with you - he just has a very antique mentality regarding things like this. You may have dodged a bullet here as his way of thinking likely extends to other things in life too.

j72twr6f4e5ako · 23-07-2014 11:53am

crazyclown wrote: »

OP back again, thank you all for your advice.

Called this evening just as he was closing up. Told him I would love to have a chat with him sometime outside of work and if he would be interested in meeting up sometime for an informal cup of coffee or a drink.
The next part shocked me.
Are you married or single he asked. Single of course I replied, have been for 18 years.
He said he didn't consider someone single if they had once been married and their husband was still living. That he would feel very uncomfortable to be seen in public socialising with another man's wife.
WTF I just couldn't believe my ears , sounds like 1940's Ireland. I feel totally humiliated and just recovering from sobbing my eyes out

I think you have had a very lucky escape from a man who obviously sees women as men's property rather than individuals in their own right. It's quite staggering in this day and age. It's his issues not yours so absolutely no reason to feel humiliated.

I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for having the courage to ask him out, that takes guts. This guy was a let down but there are plenty of other great guys out there. Lick your wounds and then move on. Onwards and upwards. You deserve someone special. Best of luck.

Meauldsegosha · 23-07-2014 11:54am

crazyclown wrote: »

WTF I just couldn't believe my ears , sounds like 1940's Ireland. I feel totally humiliated and just recovering from sobbing my eyes out

OP you have nothing to feel humiliated about you did nothing wrong. Don't waste anymore tears on this man. Obviously his unconventional (and warped, IMO) views are the reason he has been single for thirty years.

Faith · 23-07-2014 11:55am

crazyclown wrote: »

OP back again, thank you all for your advice.

Called this evening just as he was closing up. Told him I would love to have a chat with him sometime outside of work and if he would be interested in meeting up sometime for an informal cup of coffee or a drink.
The next part shocked me.
Are you married or single he asked. Single of course I replied, have been for 18 years.
He said he didn't consider someone single if they had once been married and their husband was still living. That he would feel very uncomfortable to be seen in public socialising with another man's wife.
WTF I just couldn't believe my ears , sounds like 1940's Ireland. I feel totally humiliated and just recovering from sobbing my eyes out

I guess you know now why he lives alone without a hint of a girlfriend. I'd say he has many more notions that are completely absurd and old-fashioned, and you've had a lucky escape. He probably believes that women only belong in the kitchen too.

Babooshka · 23-07-2014 12:37pm

crazyclown wrote: »

WTF I just couldn't believe my ears , sounds like 1940's Ireland. I feel totally humiliated and just recovering from sobbing my eyes out

Jesus christ, he is just not worthy of you. It's brave enough going there in the first place asking a bloke out without that. You poor thing. Stupid twit, no wonder he's alone. I'd say he's great craic at a party...hope you find someone deserving of your warmth op.

ash23 · 23-07-2014 12:44pm

Don't worry about it OP. Says more about him than you. I dated a guy a couple of years ago who was mid 40s, never married and hadn't been in a relationship in over ten years. It all went great for about a year but as soon as it got to the stage where any sort of a commitment was looming, he went running for the hills and I was pretty devastated.

I'm with someone else now and happy out.

I think your friend probably had a point. A lot of the time if someone is eternally single, there's generally speaking a reason.

It was absolutely no harm to ask him out and fair play to you for doing so but honestly....phew! Lucky escape! PLenty more men out there who won't be so set in their ways.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2014 1:07pm

oh gawd OP I feel for you, you must have waiting for the ground to open up and swallow you having to listen to that drivel. As other posters have said lucky escape for you and don't waste any tears on him.

JillyQ · 23-07-2014 1:24pm

Op he is obviously someone who is stuck in the last century. I know this Is easy for me to say but you have had a lucky escape. He is unbelievable narrow minded.

Birneybau · 23-07-2014 3:29pm

Where/when the hell does this guy live???

Corkgirl210 · 23-07-2014 5:20pm

You got a lucky escape.. someone as close minded as that would be a nightmare!!! at least you had great courage so well done on your bravery!!

limnam · 23-07-2014 5:34pm

Woman in lucky escape as man gives honest answer to an honest question shocker.

What the hell is wrong with you people? That's the guys opinion and a lot of men especially Irish catholic men think exactly the same.

I'm not sure how many of them will give you the honest answer but it seems it's a losing battle.

He didn't lie, didn't string you along, didn't use you then change his story a few weeks later after he got what he waned.

Sleepless and Manic · 23-07-2014 6:20pm

limnam wrote: »

Woman in lucky escape as man gives honest answer to an honest question shocker.

I know. Interesting gender dynamics at work in this thread.

Every sympathy to the OP though. Rejection sucks. Brush it off and move on.

Sleepless and Manic · 23-07-2014 6:25pm

crazyclown wrote: »

I feel totally humiliated...

There's really no reason to. Its not you.

Its a learning experience. You listed the positives in your original post remember? Not gay, not married, etc?

Well now you've learned a new characteristic to look for. "Not Stuck In The 1950's"! (And I admit its a weird one.)

Its awful, and I'm sorry you're hurt but you'll laugh about it one day.

Da Shins Kelly · 23-07-2014 8:24pm

Ooof. That's a terribly old-fashioned view.

That said, at least you have your answer now and you can just move on now. I reckon you've dodged a bullet, honestly. Even if you had ended up going out with him, God know what other opinions you'd have discovered. You have no reason to feel humiliated. He's the one with the problem, really.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2014 9:15pm

Thank you all so much for your replies and sympathy,
Of course I was shocked, but will get over it. Unfortunately I feel an intense heartache.
He really is a lovely, quiet, sweet, respectful man but appears to be stuck in a complete timewarp. I now know that it can never be, but that doesen't make me ache any less.
I sat here this evening, thinking, where is this poor guy going to be in 20 years time? , Retired, old and alone. stuck in another age. Someone somewhere has conditioned him to this way of thinking and it is really a very sad story if you think about it. I really do feel sorry for him.

I don't have anymore to add. I would love to hear everyones contributions but I suppose it is now probably thread close time.

Addle · 24-07-2014 9:51am

He was very forthright!
I would've thought the inquisition could wait 'til the date!
At least he didn't waste either of your time.

Good on you for being brave enough to ask him out. Don't let this experience stop you from doing it again.

ManOfMystery · 24-07-2014 10:58am

crazyclown wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies and sympathy,
Of course I was shocked, but will get over it. Unfortunately I feel an intense heartache.
He really is a lovely, quiet, sweet, respectful man but appears to be stuck in a complete timewarp. I now know that it can never be, but that doesen't make me ache any less.
I sat here this evening, thinking, where is this poor guy going to be in 20 years time? , Retired, old and alone. stuck in another age. Someone somewhere has conditioned him to this way of thinking and it is really a very sad story if you think about it. I really do feel sorry for him.

I don't have anymore to add. I would love to hear everyones contributions but I suppose it is now probably thread close time.

Don't feel too sorry for him. He is a grown man. He sees the world around him, I'm sure he reads/watches TV considering he likely has plenty of spare time, so there is nothing at all to stop him from challenging his own views if he wants to. It sounds like he's happy as he is.

Babooshka · 25-07-2014 12:42pm

crazyclown wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies and sympathy,
Of course I was shocked, but will get over it. Unfortunately I feel an intense heartache.
He really is a lovely, quiet, sweet, respectful man but appears to be stuck in a complete timewarp. I now know that it can never be, but that doesen't make me ache any less.
I sat here this evening, thinking, where is this poor guy going to be in 20 years time? , Retired, old and alone. stuck in another age. Someone somewhere has conditioned him to this way of thinking and it is really a very sad story if you think about it. I really do feel sorry for him.

I don't have anymore to add. I would love to hear everyones contributions but I suppose it is now probably thread close time.

No I think you'll get a lot more replies before closing time to be honest. Ah look he sounds like he might still have his Mammies clothes in his wardrobe...and he might put them on when no one's looking...don't feel too sorry for him. He isn't that lovely if he is so judgmental, honestly.

stargazer 68 · 25-07-2014 12:57pm

I bet that stung OP but onwards and upwards.
You would be amazed though how many people think like that. I used online dating for a fair while - met my partner through it - and lost count of the conversations that were cut short because I was separated and not divorced. As I was seperated I clearly had 'unfinished business'. The fact that you have to be 4 years separated before you can get divorce was lost on these guys! He is not as rare as you might think!

Am I mad to pursue this

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