Why do men not want me?

Greenduck wrote: »

Hi OP, you sound exactly like a pal of mine. She tried everything...online dates, normal dates, hobby clubs the lot but kept coming up short after a few dates. They would claim to be 'only looking for fun' or eventually just ignored her. It was heartbreaking to see my beautiful, intelligent, kind friend being walked on. Sometimes she slept with them on the 1st night, other times she didn't. She would get frustrated that it didn't seem to matter what she did, she wouldn't hear back from them.

They one night she met a guy, got completely smashed, slept with him (all the technically 'wrong' things to do) and called me next day, mortified and upset that he would be added to the long list of blokes who didn't call back.

However, he did call back and now they are together years and very happy. She kissed loads (and loads) of frogs for years and almost gave up. She blamed herself, her behaviour, the dog, the weather everything. The mad thing was she hadn't met the person for her. It was really that simple. Dont blame yourself, dont blame online dating..its no ones fault. You just haven't met the person you're meant to be with. The silver lining is that you're not wasting time with some loser that's not for you for the sake of being in a relationship.

I really hope it works out for you!

Thank you for this. It brought a tear to my eye!

I feel a bit like this really if I’m honest. Like I’m sick of psychoanalysing my own behaviour and feeling like I’m always the one at fault. It’s hard not to become introspective and self-critical when you’ve had years of the same old sh1t, dates that fade into oblivion, this big build up and butterflies and then that pit in my stomach when it inevitably goes nowhere. I really do believe that my behaviour / self-esteem isn’t helping – it can’t be a coincidence that this has pretty much summed up my entire dating life to date.
I guess I just get worried that I haven’t developed the relationship ‘skills’ that other people have at this stage and maybe I’m ‘too single’ – being on my own and doing my own thing without being accountable etc is just so normal to me. I don’t ‘fall into’ relationships naturally like so many people seem to…and at my age, I don’t exactly have many years to waste if I’m interested in having a family etc. Not that that’s at the forefront of my mind, but it is a thought.

I’m also sick of the ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’ brigade…I almost never expect it, it doesn’t happen…go figure!! I’m quite a proactive person in all ways – very resourceful and practical in my job and otherwise – and I don’t believe I should just sit back and wait for a relationship to ‘happen’ to me. Doing that has gotten me nowhere. I do believe it’s something I need to work at…but it’s hard to strike the balance between putting yourself out there and being relaxed and confident and just laid back about things – which I know I need to be to not come across as some kind of crazed psycho man-eater….you know??

And I agree with the poster who said my life has been a bit transient...last country I lived in, things started to happen with a guy who I had known for a while and it definitely could've become a long term thing...but I was leaving so that ended that. Everywhere I go, I'm getting used to different men, different dating cultures etc. Funnily enough I have the worst luck with Irish men...always find them most difficult to read...never get approached by them...!