Letter to my ex...

catonthewire · 21-10-2014 1:02pm #1

Hi,

Myself and my ex partner broke up about five months ago...
Initaly we had tried to remain friends, but he decided it wasn't possible, he was intent on moving on and intended looking for a new partner...
I was upset for a long time, as he really had no need to disclose this information given I had already accepted that we were never getting back together..
He had also sent a few mails prior to the cutting contact which had included some pretty hurtful untrue comments....

I was very respectful of his wishes, did not contact him, did not speak to any of our mutual friends about the breakup , though I do know he has and that also hurt me as I know a few of them made unfair judgements of me based solely on what he told them..
Again I behaved respectfuly, kept my own silence and tried to get on with my life..

He began to send some texts , I responded pleasantly, he would ring, then claim it was accidentaly...
I stopped ans , stopped all contact and decided to finaly put him in the past...
It's been a difficult time for many reasons, and the fact he was bringing up memories of our time together via comments in texts was heartwrenching given he was so harsh initaly...

Three months ago, I began counseling , of course the breakup was talked about , my counselor allowed me to make decisions re the finaly cutting contact on my own, but on Friday he suggested that I write a letter to my ex addressing the hurtful comments and unfair judgements, which he agrees were soul destroying..
He feels that until these are adressed it won't ever be possible for me to move on.

My life at the moment is fantastic, lots of positive changes , letting go of past issues that dictated my life ect...
Yet I can't bring myself to write the letter as suggested!
My head is telling me do it, but I can't get the right words on the page, leading me to think that I should leave it and get on with my life..

Am back at counselor tomorrow for last session and he is going to bring it up..
Anyone here have any advice?
Gone through this process?...

Thanks in advance...

Mr. Incognito · 21-10-2014 1:08pm

I cannot see how that is good advice.

If you have moved on and you are happy why in Gods name would you open a dialogue with your ex under the guise of closure.

Counselling is not regulated in Ireland. A LOT of Counsellors are not trained.

I would follow your gut and tell your Counsellor that its a bad idea and to drop it.

Don't ever be bullied by a professional in any capacity.

Nichololas · 21-10-2014 1:23pm

Write the letter and then don't send it.

Tokyo · 21-10-2014 1:25pm

Are you sure that your counsellor intends you to send that letter to your ex? Quite often a useful exercise for someone who is trying to process a personal loss (which a breakup can be), is to get them to write down on paper how they feel, as if they were addressing the person in question. That generally doesn't mean you have to send it afterwards though...

ladygirl · 21-10-2014 1:25pm

catonthewire wrote: »

My life at the moment is fantastic, lots of positive changes , letting go of past issues that dictated my life ect...

Thanks in advance...

This is what you need to focus on,
I agree with previous poster, I cannot see how penning a letter to your ex will be of any help. I wouldn't recommend it - all I can see it doing is opening a huge can of worms.

Tilly · 21-10-2014 1:25pm

Nichololas wrote: »

Write the letter and then don't send it.

This is what i would have thought your counselor meant.

JeffKenna · 21-10-2014 1:26pm

Write the letter, put all your feelings in it but don't send it.

Tasden · 21-10-2014 1:33pm

A lot of people feel they need "closure" with things like this. To have the last word or to address everything before they're done for good.

Imo you can still have closure by cutting ties and walking away being the bigger person. If he said hurtful things he probably knows they were uncalled for. Spelling it out for him isn't going to make him feel guilty or tell him something he doesn't already know. If anything it just brings you down to his level. Do you want an apology for the things he said? That would probably be the only reason I could see for him suggesting a letter. But even if you get an apology you're going to continue no contact so whats the point? Unless you're planning a friendship of sorts...?

Maybe if it is a case of you needing to address how it made you feel etc then do as the previous poster suggested and write it but don't send it

Shrap · 21-10-2014 2:19pm

catonthewire wrote: »

My life at the moment is fantastic, lots of positive changes , letting go of past issues that dictated my life ect...
Yet I can't bring myself to write the letter as suggested!
My head is telling me do it, but I can't get the right words on the page, leading me to think that I should leave it and get on with my life..

Am back at counselor tomorrow for last session and he is going to bring it up..
Anyone here have any advice?
Gone through this process?...

Thanks in advance...

To my mind, writing the letter (for yourself) would be useful. Look at how you are shying away from the process of tallying up your thoughts and feelings and putting them down on paper. Maybe that's because you are preferring to file those feelings away into a locked box on the top shelf in your mind of "Things that can't be touched on". Unfortunately, as you know yourself, those things have a nasty habit of breaking out and intruding just when you don't need them to (under pressure/stress, in another relationship, etc).

Are you avoiding using the right words to express yourself because you're afraid of those feelings coming up again? If so, my advice is write it anyway. Those feelings will lose their power over you if you meet them head on, and are able to look at them from a more objective point (reading them on paper instead of feeling them without putting into words).

Ps. Crying buckets while you write would be entirely expected OP

(I've done this kind of letter before...)

Pps. Start with cursing him right out of it, calling him every name you feel he deserves. You will find better words from there....

catonthewire · 21-10-2014 3:04pm

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate everyone of them...

My counselor is fully trained, he is the best localy and when I first met him, I threw the towel in after three weeks, as I thought he was wrong and I was right...
He simply told me to come back if or when the need arose, so he's not the type to force the issue..
The letter he feels is my way to address the fact that my ex was needlessly cruel, then left me with no right to reply...
This in his opinion leaves a person having to deal with issues unresolved..
He thinks that for me to move on completly my ex must accept that his actions were cowardly...
Hope this makes sense...

However, I feel that my ex will never have the emotional maturity to do so, and will think it's anger that drove me to write to him..
In the past, despite my own issues I was always the most emotionaly strong in many ways...
Hence my reluctance to send a letter....

I think that writing it , pouring it out and then burning it might be enough?

catonthewire · 21-10-2014 3:14pm

Shrap wrote: »

To my mind, writing the letter (for yourself) would be useful. Look at how you are shying away from the process of tallying up your thoughts and feelings and putting them down on paper. Maybe that's because you are preferring to file those feelings away into a locked box on the top shelf in your mind of "Things that can't be touched on". Unfortunately, as you know yourself, those things have a nasty habit of breaking out and intruding just when you don't need them to (under pressure/stress, in another relationship, etc).

Are you avoiding using the right words to express yourself because you're afraid of those feelings coming up again? If so, my advice is write it anyway. Those feelings will lose their power over you if you meet them head on, and are able to look at them from a more objective point (reading them on paper instead of feeling them without putting into words).

Ps. Crying buckets while you write would be entirely expected OP (I've done this kind of letter before...)

Pps. Start with cursing him right out of it, calling him every name you feel he deserves. You will find better words from there....

I think this is my fear, that writing will upset me, until now I have simply just accepted the blame, hurt, negative feelings but never expressed them except with my counselor verbaly..
He was helping deal with other issues, and perhaps I haven't allowed myself to be angry ect...
Cursing him sounds good...
It's okay being respectful but maybe a real good anger in my head at him day would beat writing a letter at all...

CaraMay · 21-10-2014 3:20pm

Write it and burn it but don't post it to him. I wouldn't give him the pleasure

kylith · 21-10-2014 3:38pm

The thing is that if you send the letter what happens if your ex comes back with "Well, actually...." and you and he are back squabbling and opening old wounds again.

He thinks that for me to move on completly my ex must accept that his actions were cowardly...

But you writing a letter can't make your ex accept that. It's unlikely that he'll receive the letter and go "My god, she's right! I must beg her forgiveness immediately!" and more likely that you'll have left yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone who has already proven himself a liar.

If you write it burn it.

catonthewire · 21-10-2014 4:10pm

kylith wrote: »

The thing is that if you send the letter what happens if your ex comes back with "Well, actually...." and you and he are back squabbling and opening old wounds again.

But you writing a letter can't make your ex accept that. It's unlikely that he'll receive the letter and go "My god, she's right! I must beg her forgiveness immediately!" and more likely that you'll have left yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone who has already proven himself a liar.

If you write it burn it.

There was never any squabbling , we ended our relationship very quickly..
I simply accepted it was over and though devastated accepted the blame, the bad feeling was on his side, he claimed that because of me he would never trust women again, then when I tried to get him to accept it was never my intention to leave him like this the hurtful mails started.

I simply told him that although our breakup was awful for me , all I needed was time to adjust to being just friends, given we had a long relationship this is understandable...
That's when he sent a mail, informing me he was cutting all contact and looking for a new partner...
So I never had a right to express my feelings,hence my counselor suggesting the letter, not to blame or drag up the past just let me express how he left me feeling totaly devastated...
Given I had other issues at the time it was not needed...

I think you are right , he would see the letter regardless of how it is written as me asking for forgiveness and that's not the intent.

Tasden · 21-10-2014 4:22pm

catonthewire wrote: »

He thinks that for me to move on completly my ex must accept that his actions were cowardly...

I think that writing it , pouring it out and then burning it might be enough?

Imo he is so wrong in saying this to you. How YOU move on shouldn't depend on someone else's actions. The whole idea of therapy and counselling is based on YOU working through things that arise and you adapting and dealing with them.

And tbh you sound like you have moved on perfectly. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean that all loose ends are tied up or that you don't feel any anger towards them. Once its not having massive impact on your life and you feel you can deal with any negative feelings you do have (which are natural given that he was cruel to you) then I personally would think that in itself is you moving on. Trying to get closure from him and not being able to move on til he acts a certain way is almost certainly going to result in you not moving on, its gonna drag you back into it.

I think you're right in thinking that writing it then destroying it is the best course of action.

catonthewire · 21-10-2014 4:47pm

Tasden wrote: »

Imo he is so wrong in saying this to you. How YOU move on shouldn't depend on someone else's actions. The whole idea of therapy and counselling is based on YOU working through things that arise and you adapting and dealing with them.

And tbh you sound like you have moved on perfectly. Moving on doesn't necessarily mean that all loose ends are tied up or that you don't feel any anger towards them. Once its not having massive impact on your life and you feel you can deal with any negative feelings you do have (which are natural given that he was cruel to you) then I personally would think that in itself is you moving on. Trying to get closure from him and not being able to move on til he acts a certain way is almost certainly going to result in you not moving on, its gonna drag you back into it.

I think you're right in thinking that writing it then destroying it is the best course of action.

In all honesty even starting this thread has helped more than a letter, having strangers read my thoughts and arrive at my inital feeling of hesitancy is weirdly enough...
I do appreciate where my counselor is coming from, perhaps I have been placing too much emphasis on needing closure, when in truth as you say I have moved on already...
Getting over him was tough and there are days I still miss him, but I never wavered in my resolve to tough it out..
Maybe one day I will write it down, not for him but for me...

Thanks again to you all you're a great bunch of advisers ..

Tasden · 21-10-2014 4:51pm

catonthewire wrote: »

In all honesty even starting this thread has helped more than a letter, having strangers read my thoughts and arrive at my inital feeling of hesitancy is weirdly enough...
I do appreciate where my counselor is coming from, perhaps I have been placing too much emphasis on needing closure, when in truth as you say I have moved on already...
Getting over him was tough and there are days I still miss him, but I never wavered in my resolve to tough it out..
Maybe one day I will write it down, not for him but for me...

Thanks again to you all you're a great bunch of advisers ..

Honestly you seem pretty level headed about it all so fair play!

catonthewire · 21-10-2014 5:10pm

Tasden wrote: »

Honestly you seem pretty level headed about it all so fair play!

Thanks....

I've done the horrible trying to forget, put away the cards and gifts ect..
Kept busy, resolved not to text when I missed hhim so bad it hurt , given others advice to do the same...
So it's time to take on-board the great advice given here, simply forget about a letter ...
Mind you I am going with the good curse him hour lol....
Only in my head though...

Will tell counselor tomorrow what I have decided and just be thankful he helped me with so many other areas of my life that in truth left me in a no win situation in this relationship...

Tasden · 21-10-2014 5:15pm

catonthewire wrote: »

Thanks....

I've done the horrible trying to forget, put away the cards and gifts ect..
Kept busy, resolved not to text when I missed hhim so bad it hurt , given others advice to do the same...
So it's time to take on-board the great advice given here, simply forget about a letter ...
Mind you I am going with the good curse him hour lol....
Only in my head though...

Will tell counselor tomorrow what I have decided and just be thankful he helped me with so many other areas of my life that in truth left me in a no win situation in this relationship...

Keep at it, the longer you go with no contact and no moping, the more proud of yourself you'll be and the less you will actually think about him
Good luck!

catonthewire · 22-10-2014 5:49pm

Quick update....

Last session today, explained that I would not be writing a letter, there was no need as I feel my life has moved on....
I didn't go into a huge discussion , simply that life is good without risking hassle or upset...
He was accepting of my choice and we moved on....

Tilly · 22-10-2014 6:31pm

catonthewire wrote: »

Quick update....

Last session today, explained that I would not be writing a letter, there was no need as I feel my life has moved on....
I didn't go into a huge discussion , simply that life is good without risking hassle or upset...
He was accepting of my choice and we moved on....

Well done you. Onwards and upwards

acon2119 · 22-10-2014 8:35pm

catonthewire wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies, I appreciate everyone of them...

"He thinks that for me to move on completly my ex must accept that his actions were cowardly..."

However, I feel that my ex will never have the emotional maturity to do so, and will think it's anger that drove me to write to him..
In the past, despite my own issues I was always the most emotionaly strong in many ways...
Hence my reluctance to send a letter....

I think that writing it , pouring it out and then burning it might be enough?

You cant make anyone understand and feel sorry for treating you bad if they are so single minded.
You really need to go with your gut feeling, regardless of how good your counselor is, if something makes you feel uncomfortable that is your own gut instinct telling you waht you should or shouldn't do. Good luck

catonthewire · 23-10-2014 1:01pm

Tilly wrote: »

Well done you. Onwards and upwards

Exactly Tilly....

I did the curse him out suggestion as a previous poster suggested and boy did it feel good.lol......
Called him an emotional F**kwit so many times that I had a fit of the giggles.lol.lol....

If anyone in the same situation ever reads this, please as another poster suggested go with your gut instincts ....
Some people after relationships end are not capable of behaving respectfuly, so accept this and do all in your power to move on and as you say upwards...

Letter to my ex...

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