My husband, his co-workers ,company & sex

dellas1979 · 07-10-2014 11:29pm

Gio2000 wrote: »

So I am supposed to let him sling the mud until it sticks ?

Do you not get this? He is antagonising you.

He cant accuse you of anything without proof OP.

The mud will only stick if you do start acting like a lunatic (writing letters to his company etc). Thats why posters here have advised you to say away from him/communication from him.

How does a piranha react to a drop of blood?

Let your solicitor talk to him/his solicitor.

Gio2000 wrote: »

How can I go back to Dublin and hold my head high or start my business ?

Are you for real? I mean, really? In the situation you are in now...really? Your priority should be to hold your head high in dealing with him, right now.

Gio2000 wrote: »

legally is seems hard to stop him giving a false impression of me.

He cant just say "X is a bad mother" OP. Legally, he is the one that has to prove it.

Is there evidence that you are a bad parent? Are the kids missing school? Are you are threat to yourself (or to them) - are you unstable due to all of this (this is why you need to keep your wits about you now and not do anything irrational and feed him that drop of blood), do you beat them? Do you leave them unattended? Are they starving with the hunger (and you cant feed them?). Have you stopped him seeing them? These are the types of things that he will need to try and prove OP.

Gio2000 · 07-10-2014 11:41pm

No, of course it's not my biggest fear,but I would like to be able make sure that people know the truth because if you are starting a business credibility and reputation are key to success of it.
If I could start this business I would have some control back of my life that's all. At this moment in time I feel like I have no voice or control.
Right now one of my biggest fears it that because I stayed to long the children are affected.So I also feel guilty and quite naive.
I'm sure my H will say that he will pay bills if I give him joint custody and access whenever he wants but I don't feel at the moment that would be a good idea right away.

dellas1979 · 07-10-2014 11:49pm

Gio2000 wrote: »

No, of course it's not my biggest fear,but I would like to be able make sure that people know the truth because if you are starting a business credibility and reputation are key to success of it.

The truth always comes out OP. Not now, not tomorrow. Not next week...in time. It always does. Patience. You have to keep your wits about you right now and deal with the situation in front of you.

Gio2000 wrote: »

I'm sure my H will say that he will pay bills if I give him joint custody and access whenever he wants but I don't feel at the moment that would be a good idea right away.

Unfortunately, that is not your choice. You can fight all you want with him. But he is still their father. Unless he is a threat (like in some way I mentioned above), he does have a right to see his children. No matter how badly he has treated you. You cant use the kids like a piece of monopoly because "you dont feel like he should see them".

For your own sake, regarding him seeing the kids, I would again do everything through your solicitor (what ever agreement you both come to). You know, if you stop him from seeing them altogether (regardless of how you feel towards him), it can be seen as you obstructing him, and it may not go your way. Unfortunately, a judge cant take into consideration how he treated you, cheating etc (on a personal level they might). But in law, they are looking for the best interests of the children.

Esel · 08-10-2014 2:22am

Gio2000 wrote: »

My solicitor got an email form my H today. He basically said he wanted to deal with him directly to save money.

It's good that your solicitor informed you of this contact. I hope he told your husband, in no uncertain terms, not to contact him/her directly again, and that all further contact must be via his own solicitor.

Classic 'divide and conquer' attempt on your husband's part.

njs030 · 08-10-2014 3:15am

Why are you trying to stop him seeing the children? They are his as much as yours and you have no right to stop them having a relationship with their father.

I don't understand why you expect him to pay your bills and support the children and you but won't allow joint custody. Is he an abusive parent? Is he a danger to them?
If you care so much about what people think hold your head high and put your children first, that's what will show people your true, good nature.

amdublin · 08-10-2014 7:17am

Esel wrote: »

It's good that your solicitor informed you of this contact. I hope he told your husband, in no uncertain terms, not to contact him/her directly again, and that all further contact must be via his own solicitor.

Classic 'divide and conquer' attempt on your husband's part.

This is an excellent point
communication should be solicitor to solicitor full stop.

If your solicitor is talking with you, then talking to him it's practically a conflict of interest.

P's. Holding you head up high and not doing anything crazy will prove in the long run the things he is saying are not true. Doing crazy things will only make people believe him. What he is saying are only words, your actions are Le more important.

Caprica6 · 08-10-2014 7:30am

Sorry to say but I think your husband is the mentally defective one...what a coward with no balls. ...don't let him walk all over you and if he's bad mouthing you take the higher ground and ignore it. Chances are his co workers either know what he is like but since hes boss don't want to rock the boat. I suggest you move near or in with family until you find your feet. Avoid him altogether but if the bills are not been paid arrange to meet calmy at his work (call prior) to talk about the kids since you may be moving avoid any rowing so yoh can show up and calmy publicly shame him

. ...but then press infront of his colleagues that you need money for the children that are his that he has neglected to givs you any money for there keeping. Then you need to divorce him and take half. ...what a rotten man.....you will do better though

Gio2000 · 08-10-2014 7:50am

Totally see what everyone is saying about not engaging with him.You are right. It's very hard as I know how he operates. Things have to get sorted soon though as the gas has been cut off and the Land lady is still waiting for her rent. We're having cold showers while he goes to lunch in The Shelbourne.

Meauldsegosha · 08-10-2014 7:51am

Caprica6 wrote: »

Avoid him altogether but if the bills are not been paid arrange to meet calmy at his work (call prior) to talk about the kids since you may be moving avoid any rowing so yoh can show up and calmy publicly shame him . ...but then press infront of his colleagues that you need money for the children that are his that he has neglected to givs you any money for there keeping. Then you need to divorce him and take half. ...what a rotten man.....you will do better though

Do not do this. You have a solicitor now so use him to communicate with your husband. If you go to his work you will not be in control of the situation, emotions will get in the way and you will give your husband ammunition to use against you.

Taltos · 08-10-2014 8:04am

OP - knowing someone who has and is going through similar manipulation I am going to be blunt here.

1. Communicate ONLY through your solicitor - NO MATTER WHAT - trust me, he will manipulate, lie, deceive to get a reaction to prove his case. You staying quiet is the best thing to do and will drive him crazy.
2. Keep ALL communication - text or otherwise and make safe backups.
3. Figure out what you want and work with your solicitor to get it, don't wait or hesitate.
4. Get friends / family around you - you need emotional support.
5. Counselling - find someone to talk and vent to asap - weekly at first if not more frequently and then less often.
6. Believe in yourself - this will be a tough fight, one of the worst you may have to face but if you stay strong, follow the advice and don't slip up you'll win it.
7. Children - get advice here asap - you don't want him winning custody or taking them out of the country - protect yourself from all possibilities here.
8. Read 1 again a few times...

Typer Monkey · 08-10-2014 9:03am

Could you move home to ireland OP while this is being sorted out? Familiar surroundings might be more comforting and the legal system would probably be clearer. Have you family or friends here who could help you with the air fare and put you up til you get sorted. If the rent and your utilities are not being paid you could find yourself in a very difficult position abroad.

Neyite · 08-10-2014 9:57am

Remember OP, every time he goads you, he wants a reaction from you. He wants you to turn up irate at his work with the kids in tow so that it proves his lies. So that he can point at you and nod to his colleagues and say "see? that's why I want custody of my children. Thats why I left her"

Every time you react to one of his set-ups, you play right into his hands.

So dont. Get a diary, and log everything in it. Or, set up an email account and send diary entries to yourself to keep them secure. Never respond or react, no matter what he does or says - for three reasons, the first I've outlined above, and secondly, he gets feedback on what is hurting and scaring you, and can ramp up the threats in that area. Thirdly, your silence will drive him nuts. Your silence is your biggest weapon, as is your paper trail of all the money you gave him historically, and how short he left you now.

Work with your solicitor to set up access through the courts. Work with they system. Do they have contact centres in your country? if so, use those for visits and handovers instead, because it gives him less oppertunity to manipulate you.

Op, sadly you are not the first spouse to be manipulated into poverty in order for the other to take everything, and you probably wont be the last either. But, by going through the solicitor and courts, they will take a very dim view of someone who lives the high life while their children barely have a roof over their heads. His day WILL come. And a judge will give him a bollocking for what he is doing, and you will be right there to see it.

Are there any charities that can help you for now? Similar to the SVdP? or social welfare assistance? These will help you and your children, and further proves how high and dry he left you and your children.

Look, he can say what he likes. But his lies wont add up. None of us even doubt you for a second. And his colleagues wont believe everything either. Crazy people dont hire solicitors, or make applications to the court to try to work out fair access and maintenance payments. My ex spread it around that I was crazy when we split. One or two stupid idiots believed him, no loss really. But the rest saw it for what it was - a messy split with someone badmouthing the other person.

Emme · 08-10-2014 9:59am

Gio2000 wrote: »

Totally see what everyone is saying about not engaging with him.You are right. It's very hard as I know how he operates. Things have to get sorted soon though as the gas has been cut off and the Land lady is still waiting for her rent. We're having cold showers while he goes to lunch in The Shelbourne.

I said before that your ex husband is a master of strategy and suggested that his next move would be to try and prove that you are an unfit parent. He set up throwing you out of work so that he can say you are crazy and have witnesses from his workplace. This is how dirty his tactics are and this is why you MUST only communicate with him through your solicitor.

He seems.to be representing himself "to save money" :rolleyes: as a tactic to get away with paying minimal maintenance. He may be cooking his books to achieve this end. By the sounds of things he is a machiavellian character well capable of representing himself but a good solicitor will eventually trip him up. However this may take time as you need to give these types enough rope to hang themselves, so to speak.

Keep copies of all correspondence whether this is from your landlady, your gas company or your doctor. I'm sure the children are very traumatised from it all. If you put your career on the back burner to support your husband and raise his children it shows that you are a good parent.

Could you move in with family or friends for the time being? Your ex- husband may well have isolated you from friends and family over the years to weaken your position. This is abuse.

paperclip2 · 08-10-2014 4:56pm

OP you've mentioned that your solicitor has said what your husband has done in leaving you and your children destitute is a crime in that country then if you go to the police that's a very visible black mark against him from a custody point of view. Can your solicitor write a letter for you that you can bring to the police detailing what's happened so far? The police might be more likely to treat it seriously if you have the situation documented by a legal professional. Also just to echo what the other posters have said, do not speak to your husband directly about any pertinent issues. Let your solicitor do that. If you have to speak to him at all keep it perfectly polite. It will drive him bananas if he cant get a reaction out of you. Also if he isn't getting the reaction he expects he might be a little more cautious in trying to push your buttons and more amenable to making an agreement.

Also as regards holding your head high and how the world views your husband just consider the depth of disgust at his actions on this forum. The bare facts of what he's done, walked out, left you and your children with no money, in danger of becoming homeless, well, they don't cover him in any glory. A judge will see that. All you need to do to come out of this well is maintain your composure, ignore any attempts he makes to rile you and let your solicitor deal with his crap. It will be tough but in the long-term its worth it.
Best of luck OP.

Yarf Yarf · 11-10-2014 1:14am

Sometimes divorce gets ugly and this sounds like it's going to be a particularly dirty fight. You need to be prepared for that and hold fast. This guy is going to try every trick in the book to manipulate you, trip you up, make you lose the run of yourself. He's probably going to try and pull a fast one on your solicitor too. However, unlike you, your solicitor isn't emotionally involved and shouldn't fall for any of it. These characters who think they're pure slick usually dig their own graves eventually when faced with a half decent solicitor. Cut the line of communication, let your solicitor do the talking. It will infuriate your husband and also redress the power balance.

It's not the time to be worrying about what people will think of you. You need to do the right thing by yourself and your children, and forget about everyone else. The truth has a way of surfacing and if you get what's yours from these legal proceedings, half of Dublin won't be long figuring out exactly who and what he is, if they don't already know.

I also don't believe his concern for his children is real for second. He was happy to tear the stability of their home life apart and manipulate their mother and leave them in a precarious living situation with no money and hardly a place to live, and now suddenly he's worried about their well-being? He sounds like a sociopath, frankly.

Gio2000 · 11-10-2014 9:15pm

No, I don't think his concern for his children is real. If it was why did he turn up unannounced at our children's school the other day.
He arrived like the Piped Piper with a big duffle bag filled with treats.
I saw him out of the corner of my eye while I was chatting to some Mothers I know who speak english.He saw our youngest who was playing with a friend. She ran over to see what he had in the bag and then my eldest came out but she told me she wanted to go to the car.
She just felt embarrassed. She didn't want a scene neither did I. Thankfully we all left without much ado but he seriously wasn't thinking about the children. My eldest was mortified and worried something would happen in front of her friends and parents.
I had told him via an email sent by my Lawyer that we would sort out access once all the problems with rent and bills had been resolved. I re-offered the video chat option which he has taken over the last two occasions and I feel I am doing what is fair right now considering the circumstances. We still have know idea if he is going to pay the rent or anything.

If I am honest here I don't feel he is a good influence and uses our children as a boost just for his ego, nothing more. I've had husband envy for many years seeing how much time other guys spend with their kids and how they geniunely enjoy it. This is just torture for me knowing he feels like they are accessories.I know that is all I was too.
He contacted my lawyer and asked to see him in private before we are to meet next week. I didn't want to meet him at all without his own lawyer but given the circumstances I thought I better just capitulate and see what happens. Dreading it.

Rubberchikken · 11-10-2014 9:59pm

He will continue to control you as long as you allow it.

Soneday you will realise what type of person he is, until then it seems to me you will continue to jump at his every request

Big Bag of Chips · 11-10-2014 10:01pm

Sounds like he is also trying to engage your solicitor, "to save a bit of money." You pay the solicitor and he uses him. I do hope your solicitor isn't an eejit.

Yarf Yarf · 11-10-2014 10:24pm

Yeah, I'd keep an eye on the situation with the solicitor. He should really be only communicating with your husband through your husband's solicitor. If you feel like this solicitor is somehow being influenced by your husband, I'd change solicitor immediately and go with someone else.

Esel · 11-10-2014 10:32pm

Yarf Yarf wrote: »

Yeah, I'd keep an eye on the situation with the solicitor. He should really be only communicating with your husband through your husband's solicitor. If you feel like this solicitor is somehow being influenced by your husband, I'd change solicitor immediately and go with someone else.

This would be a big warning flag to me too.

Imo, the closest contact your solicitor should be having with your husband is via written correspondence only. If your husband gets a private meeting with your solicitor, how do you know what will happen, given your husband's manipulative nature and wealth?

Mr. Incognito · 11-10-2014 10:40pm

Your solicitor should decline such a meeting. If your husband is not represented then thats his tough.

Yarf Yarf · 11-10-2014 10:41pm

Yeah, I'm not sure how professional it is for the solicitor to be privately meeting with the person you're about to have a messy divorce with. I'd bring this up with your solicitor and make sure he knows about your husband's manipulative nature and ask why he isn't communicating with him through another solicitor. These off-record conversations don't seem like a good idea.

Big Bag of Chips · 11-10-2014 10:50pm

By the way, keep in mind your solicitor works for you. You instruct him on what you want him to do. He then advises you how to go about getting what is best for you. What has your solicitor said about this private meeting. You can instruct him not to meet with your husband if you wish... Talk to him (solicitor) and see what he says about the whole situation. But I would think it a conflict of interests, and maybe even jeopardising his professional reputation to be meeting the soon to be ex husband of his client in private.

Emme · 11-10-2014 11:02pm

Yarf Yarf wrote: »

Yeah, I'm not sure how professional it is for the solicitor to be privately meeting with the person you're about to have a messy divorce with. I'd bring this up with your solicitor and make sure he knows about your husband's manipulative nature and ask why he isn't communicating with him through another solicitor. These off-record conversations don't seem like a good idea.

I don't know what the rules are for the Law Society in the country where you live but in Ireland there are rules regarding conflict of interest. This is taken from page 17 of this link:
http://www.lawsociety.ie/Documents/committees/conduct-guide.pdf

3.1 GENERAL
A solicitor should not act where there is a conflict of interest.
3.2 CONFLICT OF INTEREST BETWEEN TWO CLIENTS
If a solicitor, acting with ordinary care, would give different advice to different clients
about the same matter, there is a conflict of interest between the clients, and the solicitor
should not act for both. The solicitor is also likely to have a conflict if either client could
reasonably take exception to what the other client has asked the solicitor to do.

If your ex-husband is asking to see your solicitor "off the record" he may be trying to trip him up. I hope your solicitor this ruse and only agrees to talk to your ex-husband through another solicitor. It might be no harm to ask what the rules are regarding to "conflict of interest" in the country where you are at the moment.

So far your ex-husband's behaviour is consistent with that of a sociopath or narcissist. I would go so far as to say that your ex-husband is a very dangerous man but on a positive note you are getting away from him. Please see him for what he is - he has blinded you for years. Even your children feel uneasy in his presence, what does that tell you?

Tell your solicitor that your husband turned up unannounced at your children's school and how your children reacted to this. What good is your ex-husband turning up with a big duffel bag full of treats when he isn't paying rent or providing for his family?

Gio2000 · 11-10-2014 11:03pm

We will meet altogether at my lawyers office. My H had tried to request a meeting with just my lawyer beforehand. My lawyer told me that he refused that request. It still doesn't feel comfortable having a meeting if he isn't going to bring any legal representation. The more I think about it I don't see the point. This situation is beyond mediation or a collaborative process.
I'm not sure what he angle is either.After all he had engaged one of the biggest law firm in Dublin what are they advising him ?

Yarf Yarf · 11-10-2014 11:10pm

Are you sure he actually engaged them or is he just saying that? What does your solicitor have to say about this meeting? Like, what's the proposed outcome of the meeting? Is he just going to tell your husband what you want or what's going to happen?

Emme · 11-10-2014 11:14pm

Gio2000 wrote: »

We will meet altogether at my lawyers office. My H had tried to request a meeting with just my lawyer beforehand. My lawyer told me that he refused that request. It still doesn't feel comfortable having a meeting if he isn't going to bring any legal representation. The more I think about it I don't see the point. This situation is beyond mediation or a collaborative process.
I'm not sure what he angle is either.After all he had engaged one of the biggest law firm in Dublin what are they advising him ?

At least your lawyer had the sense to refuse the request. I think your solicitor might suspect what your ex-husband is up to but it would still be better if he communicated with him through his solicitor only.

If your ex-husband has engaged one of the biggest law firms in Dublin :rolleyes: why hasn't he communicating with your solicitor through his solicitor? What happened to your ex-husband representing himself to save money? Maybe your solicitor wants to call his bluff.

Gio2000 · 12-10-2014 12:22am

Emme wrote: »

At least your lawyer had the sense to refuse the request. I think your solicitor might suspect what your ex-husband is up to but it would still be better if he communicated with him through his solicitor only.

If your ex-husband has engaged one of the biggest law firms in Dublin :rolleyes: why hasn't he communicating with your solicitor through his solicitor? What happened to your ex-husband representing himself to save money? Maybe your solicitor wants to call his bluff.

Hopefully yes he is trying to call his bluff. Something has to give during this meeting. If he understands what can happen if he doesn't start to behave responsibily that will be a start.

njs030 · 12-10-2014 12:44am

People have a right to represent themselves, a conflict of interest is when a solicitor is representing 2 people in the same situation.
So he can't represent the wife and the husband at the same time.
That doesn't mean the husband can't represent himself and talk to the solicitor directly.

I find it odd no one has commented on your refusal to allow your children's father to spend time with them unless he pays the rent and bills. I think that's an awful thing to do.
He wants out of a relationship with YOU not them, his relationship with them should continue and you shouldn't be influencing it or manipulating it to get money. Maybe he's not a great father but he's the only one they have and you chose to have children with him.
In Irish law maintenance and access are completely different issues and one isn't affected by the other. You should try and do what's right for them before getting what you want.

Gio2000 · 12-10-2014 1:07am

notjustsweet wrote: »

People have a right to represent themselves, a conflict of interest is when a solicitor is representing 2 people in the same situation.
So he can't represent the wife and the husband at the same time.
That doesn't mean the husband can't represent himself and talk to the solicitor directly.

I find it odd no one has commented on your refusal to allow your children's father to spend time with them unless he pays the rent and bills. I think that's an awful thing to do.
He wants out of a relationship with YOU not them, his relationship with them should continue and you shouldn't be influencing it or manipulating it to get money. Maybe he's not a great father but he's the only one they have and you chose to have children with him.
In Irish law maintenance and access are completely different issues and one isn't affected by the other. You should try and do what's right for them before getting what you want.

I didn't refuse at first at all. If you re-read the entire thread I know it's long but you will see he left our family home on the QT and then went for a little holiday when he came back from that holiday he said he had time to see the children for a few days. I let him stay with teh children in our home but on the 2 day he kept phoning me to come back saying he couldn't stay any longer. I was staying at a friends house and he kept phoning and threatened to end the lease on the house if I didn't return so I did the next morning. Once I was in the house he started an argument and forcibly took my phone off me and threatened to wipe it's data. It ended up in a huge row with me trying to leave in the car and him dragging me out of it ! He even phoned his business partner while this was going on... and I could hear him saying that HE was trying to get away ! This isn't a joke or fiction.It was really awful.
So you will understand why he can't come back to the house. He won't say where he is living when he is here in the same country, so they can't go with him.tbh, I am concerned about him possibly trying to kidnap them as well. He hasn't bothered tovideo chat much and he went on a long trip to Asia for 2 weeks.He had a good time as lot's of photo's taken of him wining and dining on FB.
He will have to see the children but while he is threatening not to keep a roof over our heads its not top of my list to please him. The children's welfare is my priority.How we will proceed with visitation is going to be difficult and it will have to be planned out.

My husband, his co-workers ,company & sex

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