Irish Empire

Use risk tactics and build up in Madagascar first before striking Brazil

minidazzler wrote: »

I
Then France (we know what they will do when we arrive at the Champs Elysses.

I can see a joke coming any minute:D

I was thinking of this one:

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when he was interrupted by a telephone call;

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac?" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred and fifty-thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes Mymilitary complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy; "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners!"

We haven't got a chance against brazil, italy or any of those. Our best bet is to go for some nutrient rich but loosly controlled areas and carve out a plot. Some caribean islands would be nice and relativly easy but there aren't alot of areas small enough to be defeated by are tiny but realtivly modern armed forces yet strategically usefull.

twinytwo wrote: »

we have to make sure not to make the same mistakes as hitler.. ie not trying to take on too many countries at once.. firstly we would need to secure fuel.. id take saudi myself.. then target smller countires first that no one cares about.. ie iceland.. then slowly progress.. get the americans to back us .. ie take out the russians and chinease.. then turn on them when they are weak and depleated.

US support would be needed to secure somewhere like Saudi, they want the oil themselves.

There's a guy just a few miles across the Irish Sea who's got a bit of oil, I would suggest maybe stealth tactics to take them over, maybe infiltrate their government and military and carry out a military coup, securing a much larger army than ireland has at present and access to several oil fields.

twinytwo wrote: »

Good point... id apoint u leader of my hit squads

I have a big enough empire thanks. Large empires are like big houses, all you end up with is a lot more cleaning, more people trying to nick your DVD player and begrudgery from your neighbours:D

First off, re-read 'The art of war' by Sun Tzu. Then put his ideas into action. Our problem is that Ireland on it's own cannot conquer anyone militarily. So we will need to infiltrate and undermine the countries we want from within. That has already started. People think that Irish pubs are merely places of entertainment quaintly echoing a mythical Irish theme. In fact they are the headquarters of a worldwide conspiracy by the Irish to take over THE WORLD, MUUHAHA. Have you ever noticed that on most world maps, Ireland is bang there right in the middle. Coincidence, yeah sure.

Hasn't anyone thought it odd that there are so many Chinese living here all claiming to be students? All young and of military age? In fact all of them were recruited from the PLA and even now being indoctrinated in secret camps somewhere in Leitrim. Then there's the Poles, all young and of military age? Do you see a a pattern? All of these foreigners were recruited through the network of Irish pubs throughout the world. St Patricks day, you think all those parades around the world are simply innocent celebrations of Irish culture? No way they are a softening up process. It's simply getting them used to the idea of marches. Soon the marchers will be crack troops of the Irish colonial army, officered by Irish and all proudly wearing the star and garter badge emblazoned with Oglaigh na hEireann on their own traditional headgear.

Of course, we need to start with Northern Ireland. That plan is almost ready. Ian Paisley was replaced with a former priest who had extensive plastic surgery. It's so obvious I cannot believe we got away with it. Soon, we will have thousands of recruits who will fight for God and Ulster, the Queen (and secretly Fianna Fail without them knowing it).

In Britain we have men on the inside for years. Tony Blair was one of ours. How else do you think he solved the NI problem. You think he converted to Catholic after resigning, nah, he just came out. His replacement the one eyed Scotsman is ours too. The Scots have been in on this since the start. They don't want independance, they want reunification with Ireland. We've been stirring the Islamists in England for years. Once they move against England. The Irish will steam in and save the day. The Irish Guards and the Royal Irish will be conveniently in London that day and save the Queen. Prince William will marry one of the Corrs and the Irish dynasty will begin. Now we have Britain and their military strength on our side. We can really start motoring.

And America, what of America. Well John McCain has Ulster and Scottish connections so he's in. And Barak Obama, well for heavens sake he's from Longford. They were in on the deal from the start. Do you honestly think it's a coincidence that the new Irish army helmet is identical to the new American one? Those American troops landing at Shannon, are they all on the way to Iraq, No some are re-directed to Leitrim to train the Polish and Chinese divisions. The Poles were among the best troops in WW2 and look at the trouble the Chinese caused everyone in Korea.

With the USA and Britain in our camp, we can start the conquest proper. They will bring in OZ, Canada etc. First off we save France from some trouble we cause. We have the scapegoats set up for that already. You all know who they are. With France in, Germany is next to be saved and so forth and so on until all the dominos fall. Our Chinese subjects will roll up Asia. The beauty of it is the locals won't realise they're being invaded at all. They will cheer us from the rooftops waving little tricolours, (made in China) distributed from Irish pubs on Paddys day.The only problem in Europe really is Russia. Putin won't fall into line. We may have to use nukes currently being built by Intel plant in Leixlip. Aw come on, who really thinks a factory that size is for those teeny tiny computer chips.

I could reveal more but I don't want to give away the entire plan just yet. Beside there really hasn't been a decision as to what to do with Iraq just yet. It's a real problem. It been holding up the mission for years.:(

But victory will be hours soon enough. Eventually everyone in the world will speak Irish fluently except us and Dublin will be the new Rome.

Up the Irish Empire!

Also I thought it was ageed Galway would be "Rome" Considering they have the best looking women in Ireland. I brought this point up at the last super secret meeting.

I missed the last super secret meeting as I was fomenting unrest in Azerbijan. But I couldn't really argue with that seeing as I married a Galway woman. On the other hand, the traffic is so chronic in Galway that the saying: 'All roads lead to Rome' would have to be changed to 'All roads leading to Galway are always gridlocked all day'

Tommy is one of our senior commanders. I saw him in Shop street in Galway last Monday, probably on his way to a super secret planning meeting.

Don't worry about giving away the plan. No one believes us. Shure and begorrah isn't it all a joke sur. Top o' the morning to ya!

MUUHAHA!

minidazzler wrote: »

Dublin isn't much better really. So in the next meeting I will put forward a proposal for Cork to be the Real Rome and Galway to be the Fake Rome.

Limerick can be our Version of Siberia.

Actually I was going to propose we put a fence around Cork and use it as a detention camp for those who show disloyalty to the empire starting with all Corkonians. This shouldn't be too much a problem them as they rarely leave the county anyway except to infest Kerry on their holidays. In fact as far as I know, most are only dimly aware that there is a universe outside Cork.

Lay off slagging Limerick. My family are from there and I have an AK-47 in the boot of my car and I know how to use it.

Dublin on the other hand is the centre of the universe. The bit between the canals anyway.

All these current ones are bull****.
I have a step by step plan, but it all hinges on a Clinton being in power.

1. Form an alliance with the Scottish National Party, who are due to apply for independence. Scotland is missing lands in Cumbria, so they should be easy to persuade. Build up Navy and air force especially.

2. Obviously the first obstacle is the UK, so isolate them by forming alliance with the USA (through clintons who are supportive of the Irish) and with France form the time being.

3. Pre-emptive strike. Bomb the naval docks at plymouth and dispatch a tank division for cornwall.

4. Use the navy to blockade the southern ports and use the scots to invade from the north, tying up British resources in the North. Move the tanK division east to take control of Plymouth.

5. Deposit the land army at Anglesea set up a base of operations. Dispatch further infantry troops for cornwall to allow the Tank division to consolidate its hold upon the south west. The army in wales can use local nationalists in wales as a rebel force to attack territorial army bases across wales.

6. Obviously time is of the essence before the British can mount a full counter attack. Bombing run must be made on all English air bases and the army must head south to take South Wales. The Scots will be under pressure by now so the army enter england, taking Birmingham, thereby replenishing recruits through the large ex-pat community.

7. Use the land army to take London and force an armistice on the UK government. Demand the rest of England and Wales apart from London which can be kept as a city state. Give cumbria to scotaland.

8. Break alliance with France. Consolidate position. Prepare for southern assault on the channel.

Thats all I can be asked to do for now...

But that wiped the floor with your war plans.:cool:

SameDifference wrote: »

All these current ones are bull****.
I have a step by step plan, but it all hinges on a Clinton being in power.

1. Form an alliance with the Scottish National Party, who are due to apply for independence. Scotland is missing lands in Cumbria, so they should be easy to persuade. Build up Navy and air force especially.

2. Obviously the first obstacle is the UK, so isolate them by forming alliance with the USA (through clintons who are supportive of the Irish) and with France form the time being.

3. Pre-emptive strike. Bomb the naval docks at plymouth and dispatch a tank division for cornwall.

4. Use the navy to blockade the southern ports and use the scots to invade from the north, tying up British resources in the North. Move the tanK division east to take control of Plymouth.

5. Deposit the land army at Anglesea set up a base of operations. Dispatch further infantry troops for cornwall to allow the Tank division to consolidate its hold upon the south west. The army in wales can use local nationalists in wales as a rebel force to attack territorial army bases across wales.

6. Obviously time is of the essence before the British can mount a full counter attack. Bombing run must be made on all English air bases and the army must head south to take South Wales. The Scots will be under pressure by now so the army enter england, taking Birmingham, thereby replenishing recruits through the large ex-pat community.

7. Use the land army to take London and force an armistice on the UK government. Demand the rest of England and Wales apart from London which can be kept as a city state. Give cumbria to scotaland.

8. Break alliance with France. Consolidate position. Prepare for southern assault on the channel.

Thats all I can be asked to do for now...

But that wiped the floor with your war plans.:cool:

Glad you didn't mention bombing Portsmouth, you'd have lost my support.:) May I suggest bombing Southampton though, for no other reason than it could do with being removed from the face of the earth (Don't worry, this could be done in advance as no one in England would see this as an act of aggression, you'd also get away with Croydon, Middlesboro, Gillingham and Slough but be careful not to hit Windsor as the Queen has a holiday caravan there:D)

I would suggest an alliance with someone other than the French, as it is an English national past time beating them, at pretty much everything. Maybe the Portugese would be a better choice. They may make it a close run thing, but are sure to win on penalties in the end. Christiano Ronaldo fighting on your side would also result in 3,000,000 Englishmen concentrating on kicking his head in so it would create an excellent and enjoyable diversion.

Anglesea may not be a good choice as it is very easy to isolate by taking out the only two bridges to the island. It's also about 200 miles from any meaningful civilisation so there is a big yomp from there. Plus the fact if you do invade, apart from Irish Ferris, Stena Line and 5,000,000 sheep, no one will actualy notice (Apart from maybe 25 coach loads of Man U fans on the way to a match, on the way back they will be too pissed to notice).

The Scots would be a good ally as they have an excellent record in combat, the trouble is, every girl knows that all you have to do is Whistle at a group of Scotsman and they feel obliged to drop everything and lift up their kilts. Probably not that good an idea in combat, although it did work wonders at the Khyber Pass I understand. You also have to remember that Irish troops would have to put up with the sound of a cat having it's bollox put through a mangle 24 hours a day.

May I also suggest taking an example from Kosovo and starting by forming an independant state where one has not exsisted before, but done so on the grounds of the ethnicity of the population. Kilburn could then become a forward operating base with direct access to the capital. Make sure any assualt from Kilburn is done after 4:30 pm on a Sunday though otherwise the traffic around Ikea will prevent the tanks getting around the North Circular.

If you invade this season, you could also draw on 40% of the crowd at a Sunderland game. Next season will be too late though as they will have been relegated and will no longer have any Irish supports.

Good Luck, bring me back a stick of Rock from Brighton.:cool:

cp251 wrote: »

We already have a cat mangling band in service:

Put a few of them together and the world can be yours:D

*holds nose tightly and starts humming scotland the brave*

I'd say they'll miss you now you're gone. :rolleyes:

Siding with Russia would involve the Irish Government having to give ground to Russia over nuclear warhead programmes. And if the mini-cold war over the nuclear defence systems is anything to go by, things couls turn sour very fast.