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BM refused contact -when to try again

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  • 12-04-2012 12:12pm
    #1
    Alilar
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    Hi looking for ur thoughts on contacting BM. Went through social worker 5 years ago and on second attempt of contact BM rang the social worker and said no interest in contact and not to contact her again. I received no medical info - nothing only non identifying info. With that I have spent the last few years doing my own search and now have lots of info including the fact that I have 2 half siblings.... But I don't know what to do now. Do I send her a letter directly asking for some info, do I leave it as is or do I contact another family member??? Can anyone give their advice as to whether I should respect BM wishes for no contact to the detriment of my wish to find out about my identity including my BF's family... Thanks


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    #2
    tyview
    Registered Users Posts: 210 ✭✭tyview


    Hi, its a really tricky situation to be in. There is never going to be a timeframe that will suit everyone so you can only do whats right for you.

    My ex husbands parents had a child out of wedlock back in the late 50s and gave her up for adoption. They never told any of their subsequent 4 children. His mother died nearly 15 years ago and took the secret with her. Her husband received a few letters a couple of years ago from the nuns and ignored them. The nuns ended up contacting the eldest child (now in her 50s) and to say it was a shock was an understatement. They decided given the age of their father not to say anything more to him but all 4 of them have met up with her. Its not an ideal reunion because she is still a secret. She cant go to family gatherings and the like but they are in contact. They have been able to exchange photos and stories though. Everybody is different but if you want to contact your BM I would be of the opionion that you should try again. If your siblings are old enough then in this day and age (and with all of the adoption stories in the public eye lately), they should be able to understand and accept it for what it is.

    I now the above may not help the situation much but I wish you the very best of luck with your search.


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    #3
    Funkyman
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭Funkyman


    Hi Alilar,

    Yes it is a tricky situation but you are entitled to medical information at least. I think that your BM should at least send all extra medical info to you via a social worker as not having this can have a detrimental impact on your offspring in the future.
    My BM wishes for no further contact but I have discovered that I have 4 siblings who do not know of my existance. I will leave it 2 years until I make contact through a social worker with my siblings as this seems an ample amount of time for my BM to tell of her "secret".
    Whether your BM wants a relationship or not ,your siblings have a right to know of your existance providing they are old enough to deal with the emotional complexities of the situation.

    Best of luck


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    #4
    trixy
    Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭trixy


    Hi Alilar, you say you have siblings, if they are old enough you have the right to contact them. Your BM has no control over the relationship you may have with them. Am not sure by your post if they are also adopted , if they are you could trace them with correct information . I found I had a sibling also adopted, they had no interest at moment in meeting me, that's their decision and I respect that but no one other than my sibling made that decision. Your BM obviously needs time and maybe one day she will change her mind, in meantime give letter to your SC with questions you have and she may answer them for you. Am not being bad when I say, sometimes you have to let people know you are not going away and you have questions that you have a right to be answered .


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    #5
    kathy finn
    Registered Users Posts: 324 ✭✭kathy finn


    hi, i would contact birthmum by letter first, ask all the questions u want in the letter, if she gets back to u and still refuses contact i would write second letter telling her u ar aware of ur 2 siblings and u will be making contact with them. this will give her a chance to come clean with her family first, u have every right to make contact with ur sibs, they should have the chance to meet with u if they so wish, good luck...kathy


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    #6
    louglee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19 ✭louglee


    it sounds like a difficult situation but I agree in part with Kathy finn, you should try and send a letter to your birthmom asking about any medical conditions in the family, but while you may not like the fact that she doesn't wish to have contact with you, you can't force it, there may be circumstances surrounding the situation that you don't know. I had a friend you had a very similar situation to yours, she found out where her half-siblings lived and initiated contact, unfortunently what transpired is that her birth was the result of her birthmom being raped and while initially she was trilled at meeting her siblings it lead to a lot of hurt feelings, it turned out that once she had initiated contact through the agency her birthmom after refusing contact, started going to therapy to try and help deal with what happened to her. She eventually met my friend but this was 8 years after initial contact, they met a couple of times but unfortunately it was pretty hard for the birthmom, and now my friend has virtually no contact with any members of the family. Sometimes a more gentle approach even if it takes longer is the best.
    I'm not saying that this would happen in your case, and I hope it doesn't but sometimes there are reasons people do things that may seem unfair especially if the full picture is not available. I wish you the best of luck


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    #7
    moihugs
    Registered Users Posts: 32 ✭moihugs


    I would agree with Kathy as well Alilar, if you know for sure you have the right woman Id write a letter to her yourself!! If she doesn't want contact after a length of time I would contact the siblings as well. This is not from experience though Alilar Im in much the same situation to you myself , have sent a letter to bm myself have got confirmation from her that she is my bm in writing but the rest of her family know nothing about me. At this stage she doesnt want contact, have sent her a more detailed letter this time asked for medical info and that i will give her time to think! Will re- think contacting siblings in a yr or 2. Best of luck whatever you decide.


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    #8
    JustAThought
    Registered Users Posts: 5,323 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    I don't understand people sometimes .

    There is a legal mechanism in place for the BM & child to agree or not to having a relationship/ meeting.

    You have gone down this path and the BM has said , for the second time in her life; unequivocally , that she does not want anything to do with you.

    And yet you are posting on an Internet form asking again the same question, of strangers.

    She has said no.

    How about respecting that.


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    #9
    Moonbeam
    Moderators, Education Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,952 Mod ✭✭✭✭Moonbeam


    JustAThought wrote: »
    I don't understand people sometimes .

    There is a legal mechanism in place for the BM & child to agree or not to having a relationship/ meeting.

    You have gone down this path and the BM has said , for the second time in her life; unequivocally , that she does not want anything to do with you.

    And yet you are posting on an Internet form asking again the same question, of strangers.

    She has said no.

    How about respecting that.

    I do not think that that is fair.
    She appears to be looking for information more so then a relationship and I think she should be entitled to medical info.


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    #10
    Crann na Beatha
    Registered Users Posts: 11,763 ✭✭✭✭Crann na Beatha


    This post has been deleted.


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    #11
    kam3qnwvebf4jh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 138 ✭✭kam3qnwvebf4jh


    JustAThought wrote: »
    I don't understand people sometimes .

    There is a legal mechanism in place for the BM & child to agree or not to having a relationship/ meeting.

    You have gone down this path and the BM has said , for the second time in her life; unequivocally , that she does not want anything to do with you.

    And yet you are posting on an Internet form asking again the same question, of strangers.

    She has said no.

    How about respecting that.

    How can you talk about such an emotive issue in terms of mechanisms ?


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    #12
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,278 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Moonbeam wrote: »
    I do not think that that is fair.
    She appears to be looking for information more so then a relationship and I think she should be entitled to medical info.

    I'd also suggest that she should be entitled to pursue a relationship with her siblings- it is not the perogative of her birthmum to decide unilaterally to close off contact from the family.

    It really is a two way street- it is grossly unfair to assume that one person (the birthmother) has rights, whereas the adopted person has no rights.

    At very least- give her any medical information she may have, thereafter, if the OP decides to contact a sibling and meetup with them- thats between them and their sibling, and should not be open to veto by the birthmum or the social worker- though obviously it will be up to people to try to not antagonise one another.

    Justathought- you really don't seem to have any grasp of the emotions involved in adoption. Its not all to do with mechanisms- its to do with people- and we're all different, and we all respond to situations in different manners. A mechanism that suits one person, will drive another person literally insane. There is no one-size fits all, and to try to shoehorn adopted people and/or birthparents into a prescribed process that some sociologists came up with- is dehumanising, and lacking in understanding of how we are all individuals.


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    #13
    moihugs
    Registered Users Posts: 32 ✭moihugs


    Just a thought..are u seriously just trying to hurt and annoy everyone!! ru a nun (because ive come across a few with the same view)their view is.. "Get on with things you went unto better things etc!!!" What a load of bull and obviously not someone who went through the adoption process!!! Its not that easy and I would love it to be(I had a very very good adoption story but).. every time u attend a doctor or ur child does it becomes an issue( is there any medical history of this or that in ur family!) This person at the very least deserves their medical history (why in the name of god do they deserve less than everyone else???) and really in the year 2012 why does anyone deserve to be the guilty secret and why should adopted people be treated like second class citizens. The siblings who are grown adults and PEOPLE in there own right deserve to have a say... these people are blood relatives and these siblings need to know the truth even if they dont wish to act on it! Its so time in the yr 2012 (almost 2013) for everyone to come clean and tell the truth, open up the past !! With Just a Thought its like well this woman has turned ya away twice once at birth and now so just give up she doesnt want u( i find this so heartless to all of us to be honest.... what about her sisters brothers her daughters sons her grandchildren they all deserve a say ( if they are adults)and a least can make a decision in the situation!!!


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