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hen party - Sister in Law not coming

  • 19-11-2014 9:03am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    Hi folks,

    Just looking for some opinions, I'm having my hen party in December and my SIL has said she cant come to it because she's meeting other friends for drinks that night. I'm quite upset as I thought we got on well and the friends she is meeting up with are people she would see regularly enough. My MIL has told her its ok not to go to my hen because I didn't go to both of her hens. She had two hen parties, I went to the "family" hen and stayed overnight in a hotel and did spa treatments etc. but I didn't go to the second one.

    We had originally booked tickets tonight to go to a show and now they are saying this is the "family hen". None of my family have been invited though and I never wanted a second hen. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable here and they are making an effort. I was invited to tonight's show by the MIL months ago, which I don't really want to go to but in the interests of family in law harmony I agreed to go to. She then said she'd give me back the money for my ticket and it would be my birthday present and now all of a sudden its turned into a second "family hen" evening.

    Am I wrong to be upset?


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Comments

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,223 Mod ✭✭✭✭Michael D Not Higgins


    Jeez this seems a mess of miscommunication. Their family tradition seems to be one night for the family and one night for the friends. The MIL inviting you to the show was the implication that that night would be the family night.

    I'd say you are right to be upset, however you should have made it clear at the start that the one night is all you would be having.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    well was originally invited to the show months ago before we had even planned to get married just as a normal night out. I wasn't entirely bothered about going but like I said, trying to forge relations etc. Then my MIL said she'd pay me back the money for my ticket for my birthday present and then we booked the wedding and the hen obviously. Then the night out became a "family hen" night.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 500 ✭✭✭indigo twist


    Are you extremely close to this sister-in-law to-be?

    If you're close to her, tell her you're upset.

    If you're not very close to her ... why on earth is it a problem?! :confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    There's a bit more to this story I guess.....we were supposed to get married a few years ago but at the time his sister also got engaged and booked her wedding and it was suggested two family weddings in the one Summer was too much so ours got pushed back. This was why I didn't want to go to her hen as I was upset about this at the time but my OH said it was her night, suck it up and put a smile on your face, which I did but I drew the line at a second hen party and said my duty was done by attending one event.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,662 ✭✭✭CelticRambler


    You're going to be seeing her/them regularly for the next few decades, and probably on your wedding day too :rolleyes: so I really wouldn't worry about who does or doesn't go out on this particular night.


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,223 Mod ✭✭✭✭Michael D Not Higgins


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    well was originally invited to the show months ago before we had even planned to get married just as a normal night out. I wasn't entirely bothered about going but like I said, trying to forge relations etc. Then my MIL said she'd pay me back the money for my ticket for my birthday present and then we booked the wedding and the hen obviously. Then the night out became a "family hen" night.

    So it was a birthday present before you were planning the wedding? Now it's a family hen night too? Sounds like she's wrapped up all her pre-wedding obligations nicely into one package. Nice for her.

    Honestly I think your problem is with MIL rather than SIL. Next thing you know she'll buy you a drink and earmark it as your Christmas present too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    LOL


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,920 ✭✭✭MayoAreMagic


    Yes they are wrong. The mother knows her daughter should go on your hen, and is trying to force this second one onto you, so it cant be said that the daughter didn't go to your hen, when she never actually did. The daughter didn't even care enough to come up with an excuse as to why she couldn't go. They sound like a nice pair.

    But is it worth making an issue of? You have seen that they are the type to close ranks when they feel the need - there is your lesson learned. You are going to be in close quarters with these people for the foreseeable future. I don't see a point in making a big thing of it, but at the same time, never be convinced that they haven't acted poorly on this matter.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭Curlysue76


    To be honest I don't really see why you're so upset. You invited your sil out for a night, she for whatever reason, doesn't want to go. It's your hen night but maybe to her it's just a night out. Instead she is going out tonight with you and family to see a show. She is paying for your ticket and they are calling it a "family hen". It's just a night out. I'm guessing the show, a few drinks and maybe some food. It's not like she's not making any effort.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    I understand CurlySue, I put up the post because I am upset but dunno if this is just me being overly sensitive.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 27,904 ✭✭✭✭looksee


    Why is the MiL interfering in the hens anyway? Its up to the bride and bridesmaids to sort that. Let her busybody into the Stag for her son if need be, but you will have to think faster than her if she is not to take over your life.

    Tell her that the hen is in December, you are happy to have bought a ticket for the show and will leave the paying arrangement as it is. Just don't take on board any of this family hen stuff, it may be her family's custom but it isn't and does not have to be yours. If she queries it just say, oh I am just having the one hen, I'd like my friends to meet my sisters/cousins etc. Ignore the sister in laws's childishness, don't criticise it, don't get annoyed. And leave it at that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,920 ✭✭✭MayoAreMagic


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    There's a bit more to this story I guess.....we were supposed to get married a few years ago but at the time his sister also got engaged and booked her wedding and it was suggested two family weddings in the one Summer was too much so ours got pushed back. This was why I didn't want to go to her hen as I was upset about this at the time but my OH said it was her night, suck it up and put a smile on your face, which I did but I drew the line at a second hen party and said my duty was done by attending one event.


    Actually after reading this bit I would say the daughter was upset that you didn't go and is now not going to yours. And the mother is just trying to smooth things over to avoid any conflict. You didn't go to hers, she isn't going to yours, that makes you even so best thing would be to let it be after that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭Curlysue76


    If your sil doesn't want to go to hen night but feels obliged to go it might put an awkward atmosphere on the whole night for you. She is your OH's sister, I think i'd be more upset if it was your sister or good friend. Maybe her saying she's going out with other people is a lie and she has other reasons for not going. Expense, perhaps.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    Well when I went to her "family hen" I didn't know there was going to be a second hen at the time.


  • Registered Users Posts: 72 ✭✭JohnDx


    Call off the wedding all together, there's going to be loads a trouble if ya don't and give the sister n'law a punch in the face for me.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,400 ✭✭✭lukesmom


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    I understand CurlySue, I put up the post because I am upset but dunno if this is just me being overly sensitive.

    They sound pretty controlling to be honest. Personally I would pull a sickie tonight but that's probably not the right thing to do considering you will as others have mentioned, be seeing these people in close contact for the foreseeable future. I just hate game playing and it sounds like your future MIL loves it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭Curlysue76


    I would go tonight, try to have fun. Let your sil know she is still very welcome to come to your "hen night". Subtly letting her know tonight is not your hen night. This way you are doing your bit for them and being the bigger person. If she says she still isn't going to your hen night just go out and have a great time. She'll be the one missing out. I really wouldn't lose any sleep over her or your mil.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭Curlysue76


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

    That sounds very acceptable. Good luck for the wedding.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,974 ✭✭✭skallywag


    OP, it sounds to me that you are not particularly gone on this person in any case, i.e. you mention that you went to her own hen just out of a sense of duty. So why are you at all bothered that she is not coming to yours?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    I admittedly bore a grudge against her because our wedding was cancelled in favour of hers. I let this go of this and was trying to make a new relationship with her as we have bought a house very close to where she lives and she now has a little boy who I love spending time with. I live far away from my own family and I think I was upset because I thought they were my "new substitute" family but this made me realise they are not my family and will always stick together themselves.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,063 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

    Exactly. I think you need to pick your battles here OP because I have a feeling there will be more down the line with your SIL/MIL


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,920 ✭✭✭MayoAreMagic


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

    Well in fairness, what difference would knowing there was going to be a second hen or not have made? You said you were annoyed that your wedding was put back, and so you felt your obligation was paid and chose not to attend the second. So really, when you found out about the second one didn't make a difference - in your mind your obligation was paid. But it wasn't her fault that the family didn't want 2 weddings so close together either, was it? So why punish her for that? That is probably why she was upset, Im sure the MIL knows this, as I am sure she understands that you were a little upset too. She is now trying to resolve this situation. The truth is you probably should have gone to her hen, it caused her pain that you didnt, this is her retaliation. Leave it at that. The MIL will see you handled it well and it will work in your favour. Going on the attack again saying you are very disappointed isn't going to help matters. If it is mentioned say 'ah she must have been busy' and change the subject. Ever heard the saying, 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'? Sniping back and over will only make it worse.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,037 ✭✭✭bcklschaps


    Just as well ye didn't have a big double summer wedding ? these clowns would have wrecked the head off ya.

    Probably in the interest of keeping the peace .. its better to go this 'BS' tonight ... and accept that you SIL is still smarting from your no-show at her Hen party earlier in the Summer. If you get the chance though give her a (methaphorical) kick in the Cooter about how you would rather have had just one Hen party... where EVERYBODY attended instead of this two part messing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    Fair enough, seems like sound advice

    Well in fairness, what difference would knowing there was going to be a second hen or not have made? You said you were annoyed that your wedding was put back, and so you felt your obligation was paid and chose not to attend the second. So really, when you found out about the second one didn't make a difference - in your mind your obligation was paid. But it wasn't her fault that the family didn't want 2 weddings so close together either, was it? So why punish her for that? That is probably why she was upset, Im sure the MIL knows this, as I am sure she understands that you were a little upset too. She is now trying to resolve this situation. The truth is you probably should have gone to her hen, it caused her pain that you didnt, this is her retaliation. Leave it at that. The MIL will see you handled it well and it will work in your favour. Going on the attack again saying you are very disappointed isn't going to help matters. If it is mentioned say 'ah she must have been busy' and change the subject. Ever heard the saying, 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'? Sniping back and over will only make it worse.


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    BTW her hen party was 4 years ago


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭Curlysue76


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    BTW her hen party was 4 years ago

    Probably time for everyone to move on then......


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,974 ✭✭✭skallywag


    Any chance you can ask her if she wants to head out for a few drinks some evening and bury the hatchet over a few glasses of wine etc? I am assuming you have never discussed your disappointment at postponing your wedding with her, and if she is any way reasonable she should be able to understand that?


  • Registered Users Posts: 176 ✭✭snoopy29


    Sounds like a good plan


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,920 ✭✭✭MayoAreMagic


    snoopy29 wrote: »
    BTW her hen party was 4 years ago

    So what does that say about how much it upset her?

    Sometimes you just have to try to draw a line under things like this. I think you now know you maybe should have gone at the time. So you made a mistake. Let her make hers back and then try to move on. In the future you could say to her that you are sorry you never attended her hen but that you had your heart set on having your wedding then too and you were upset. I would bet she says the same back and that will be it over with. And if she didn't, well then your conscience would be clear and you had done the right thing.


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