If only he knew ...

Thriftshoppin · 11-09-2014 12:03am #1

I'm 22, gay but not out. I've told a few close friends however, I have yet to tell my family. I've recently been building up the courage to tell them and had planned on doing so quite soon. I'm quite masculine so I don't think they've ever questioned my sexuality before.
My father recently learned that the son of a guy he works with has just entered into a gay relationship. I don't think my Dad had heard that said lad was gay and this evening he told us the story when he returned from work. He didn't really offer much of an opinion at the time however tonight he said to me; "isn't that bizarre about (lad's name)" ... I then asked him why he thought it so bizarre? and the reply I was met with went something like this: "well like, he's going out with another guy... it's absolutely sick!... the poor family, that's a decent enough family as well.... I don't know what I'd do if I was in (father's name)'s situation".
My heart sank at what I heard. I just said something along the lines of 'it's nobody's business but his own and that it's the 21st century and society shouldn't be so narrow minded.'
It seemed to go in one ear and out the other.
However, I just feel gutted thinking of the hurdle I have in front of me. I had no idea my Dad was so homophobic or would be so shamed at the thought of a same-sex relationship. I'm quite unsure how the other family members will take the news now too.
I had planned on coming out to my family in the next week or so but now I'm totally unsure about it.
I'm just about to head into my final year at uni and after that I more than likely will fly the nest for good.
Do you think I should just wait until then because at least that way I'll have some stability if I'm disowned? Or should I just tell them and hope for the best?
My mind is in a blender :-(

jaymcg91 · 11-09-2014 12:06am

Tell them now. Life is too short. I've never come across anybody regretting coming out, even if in the immediate term people have been disapproving.

Your Dad is probably mouthing off because it's someone elses family, you can't assume that's what he'd say to his own child!

deisemum · 11-09-2014 12:26am

Is there any chance that he may have heard that you're gay from someone connected to one of your friends that knows or he suspects you are and has made up this story about his colleague's son and then voicing his opinion hoping to put you off coming out to everyone in your circle or family's circle?

garbeth · 11-09-2014 12:32am

Only you can know when is the right time to tell your family but I would advise on waiting until you have a place of your own and are comfortable in it.

Your dad's reaction may not be indicative when he finds out that it's his son and not some Neighbours son

Good luck

Rubberchikken · 11-09-2014 8:54am

end of the day, you have to do what's right for you.
i'm sure your dad loves you, and whether or not he'll agree with your sexuality, he'll still love you.

it's always amazes me how outspoken some people can be about other peoples kids and the things they do, but when it happens to their child, they won't hear a word about it.
so like some posters said, it could be that your dad will be very accepting of his child's decision to come out, but you won't know until you tell him.

good luck with your decision.

Tasden · 11-09-2014 9:14am

My parents would be pretty old fashioned about relationships generally and the typical nuclear family, they both oppose gay marriage even though they cant really offer a valid reason for doing so. They would make silly comments and off the cuff remarks similar to your dads but at the same time due to my sister and myself having openly gay friends and being very vocal about our support for equal rights they never say nasty things or personal insults/comment on a specific person etc. at least in our presence. I would assume that your dad would be the same, even if hes not happy about the idea in general (which unfortunately is the case a lot of the time, and for legitimate reasons sometimes too, grandkids/worry about how you will be treated by others etc.) he may very well support you and respect you regardless of how he feels about the issue. I don't know if that makes sense to you. Basically what im saying is- even if his feelings don't really change on the issue when you tell him, he might change his attitude and be more respectful even if he still does have issues deep down. I know that this isn't what you want, you want him to be accepting and have no issues at all but honestly, one step at a time, its a bizarre concept for some people until its actually in their home if you get me and alot of the time they do come round because at the end of the day you're still their son. Good luck.

Tokyo · 12-09-2014 7:22pm

OP, I'm moving this to the LGBT forum, as I would imagine that there are a few posters there who have found themselves in a similar situation to you and may be able to advise you how to move forward with this. Please note that their charter applies from here on in.

Regards,
Mike

Aard · 12-09-2014 9:09pm

Your father doesn't have to rationalise homosexuality to himself because as far as he is aware it doesn't affect his life. His views would probably change pretty fast if confronted with it in the form of his son being gay. He might get angry and mouth off at the beginning but he has to come to terms with it, just like you had to whenever you realised you were gay.

GreeBo · 12-09-2014 9:13pm

OP you may well find that you telling your father is exactly what he needs to broaden his mind.

"if it can happen to his son" then maybe being gay isnt such a weird and terrible affliction that only strange, deviant people have.

Best of luck.

qweerty · 12-09-2014 10:27pm

Hey, OP. I read one of your posts a few months ago and it really helped me, so I thought I'd try try to return the favour.

I think there's a difference between telling your parents you're gay and telling them you're in a relationship with a guy. The second almost forces them to imagine your sexual interactions! And, tbh, most sexual practices that aren't familiar to us are a little repulsive. It goes without saying that your father needn't have to find male homoseual sex normal to be accepting of you and your sexuality. Plenty of my friends (few of whom know I'm gay (I'm talking with two of them as I write this :eek:)) are accepting of homosexuality and have close gay friends but would become uncomfortable if they saw guys kissing or whatever (I ha a conversation a while ago with two of them who said they find two girls having sex arrousing as long as the girls aren't gay :rolleyes:). If your parents love you, they will either accept your sexuality immediately or your telling them will quickly change their perception.

playedalive · 13-09-2014 10:16pm

qweerty wrote: »

Hey, OP. I read one of your posts a few months ago and it really helped me, so I thought I'd try try to return the favour.

I think there's a difference between telling your parents you're gay and telling them you're in a relationship with a guy. The second almost forces them to imagine your sexual interactions! And, tbh, most sexual practices that aren't familiar to us are a little repulsive. It goes without saying that your father needn't have to find male homoseual sex normal to be accepting of you and your sexuality. Plenty of my friends (few of whom know I'm gay (I'm talking with two of them as I write this :eek:)) are accepting of homosexuality and have close gay friends but would become uncomfortable if they saw guys kissing or whatever (I ha a conversation a while ago with two of them who said they find two girls having sex arrousing as long as the girls aren't gay :rolleyes:). If your parents love you, they will either accept your sexuality immediately or your telling them will quickly change their perception.

This

In the overwhelming majority of cases, parents can actually surprise you. And if they really do love you as their own child, they will make the effort. I think, even in times when you tell your parents, it is a little awkward when the topics of Safe Sex and they start mentioning the idea of you meeting a nice Prince. (The latter, obviously very warm but cringey)

fabulousdeal · 15-09-2014 1:17am

I'm 36 and have been out to my family since I was 17. Long story short my Dad was amazing, my Mother took a while to come around, but things are really great now. On the other hand I'm in a relationship with a girl for the past 6 years. She's 40 and has never told any of her family. Her Dad is very religious and quite old so I can forgive her for that. But her brothers? She just won't tell any of them, even though I'm sure they have to know! She's out to everyone else. Her family aren't close but it still really hurts me that she is a huge part of my family (my family and I are very close and go on regular holidays together) and I have never once being invited to anything in her family. She says she gets this knot every time she thinks of having to tell any of them. They all know me and have met me hundreds of times. Her Dad still can't ever remember my name. I don't want to force her but it does really get me down at times. Anyway you need to do what you feel comfortable doing. Maybe tell your Mother first? But I do think that the older you get the harder it becomes to tell your family the truth about your sexuality. Good luck!!

BonnieSituation · 15-09-2014 1:38am

My younger (20yo) brother recently came out to my parents and I have to say I was shocked by my parents' reactions. In that basically there was none. They were both very happy that he had finally relieved himself of the pressure that he had put himself under over the years and to be honest if anything my dad and him have become closer as a result. They used to gun at each other since the bro was around 13.

IMHO, I always thought my dad had a homophobic streak to him. Apparently not.

OP, you will be surprised by some peoples reactions when it concerns their own children.

kisaragi · 19-09-2014 5:51pm

Hey OP

I'm 25 and came out to my parents a few years ago. They are both from very rural Ireland and very Catholic so I'd imagine they might have shared some similar views to your dad. My mother actually has a gay brother and this was never even mentioned to me before I came out - presumably because "kids shouldn't be exposed to homosexuality" or something ridiculous like that.

Anyway, the morning my dad found out (I told my mother who told him without mentioning it to me !) I remember the first thing he said was how he was "obviously" disappointed - something which hurt at the time. But after a few weeks he just came around to the idea and now is extremely supportive. I think it will probably be the same for your dad

I studied psychology and not to bore you but the number one thing that can change people's opinions about lgbt people is actually knowing someone who is lgbt. People realise that we are not "others" - but just normal everyday people who happen to differ in our sexuality.

It's still daunting to come out - but someone above said they don't know a single person who's regretted coming out, and honestly neither do I. I know people who's parents had really awful reactions to them coming out but even they moved on and got used to it eventually! It takes a lot of courage but you will be so much happier in the long run

rochey84 · 29-09-2014 4:12pm

Hey OP, I tend to just lurk on the forums but there are a couple of things that I think could help you that I can say.

First: You have had years to come to terms with your sexuality so even if anyone in your family does react badly at first give them time, I have a friend who to this day apologises to me for how he behaved when I came out, so give them some time it's only fair you can't expect them to be ok with it straight away when like I said it probably took you years to come to terms with it.

Second: With all the media talk about Same Sex Marriage and Family and Child Act (I may have the wrong name of the act there so open to correction, myself and my dad have lenghty discussions about SSM and Homophobia and what reasons people may have for voting no, and he has said to me many times that my being gay colours his opinion greatly and that had I not come out 8 years ago he could very easily have fallen on the homophobic and or "no" side of the argument.

So that's proof in what other people were saying that once it's his son and he has had some time to deal with it, his opinions might change over night. It may mean some very uncomfortable conversations, like my dad asked me how many lads I had slept with, that was awkward, but I answered by asking him would he ask my brother how many women he had slept with. I will say this coming out is the best feeling in the world I would imagine that even if it doesn't go to plan the weight of lying being lifted, even if you don't think it's there, is amazing!!!

Best of Luck and if there is anything else I can do let me know!

If only he knew ...

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