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  • 20-09-2014 1:34pm
    #1
    Han2275
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭


    Hiya, I'm new to this forum. Would appreciate a bit of advice and support. I am a 39 year old lesbian with 3 young children. I separated from my female partner of 12 years, 18 months ago. We now live minutes apart and the children stay with us half the week each. It works well and the boys are happy and settled.
    Back in February I joined an online group for lesbian Mums in Belfast. We meet up occasionally which is nice for me and the kids. About 3 months ago I realised I was very attracted to one of the other single Mums in the group. She has one child from her previous marriage and her ex husband is very much still in her son's life. We are friends on FB and got chatting one evening after a group meet up and ended up having a very sexual conversation. 5 days later we were meeting up in a hotel and having the most wonderful sex! Something that I would never normally do. All my previous relationships have been with women who I have know as friends first and then fallen in love with. We live 2 hours apart and both have busy lives with our kids, work, she has a horse, and of course we both have ex partners to consider re our children. We have been meeting up every other weekend at hotels half way between our homes. I have always been very comfortable with being gay, but this woman just totally makes me feel like the sort of lesbian I want to be. We just fit! Of course this started out as just sex but we now both feel so much more for each other. Every time we meet up it is pure heaven, and then about 24 hours later I feel her pull back. We have this sort of aftermath as she worries about where this will end. How we will ever make it work if things carry on getting better and better. We both live in completely different places and cannot just pick up our children and be together. I try to just enjoy what we have now and not worry about the bigger picture as it may not even come to that. But that nagging feeling remains of my heart getting broken again. I have been deeply in love twice in my life, but I've never felt so comfortable with my sexuality like I do with this woman. It's very liberating. Do you think it could ever work out in time or am I heading for heartache?


Comments

  • #2
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,787 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Its possible it could work out but I suppose you need to really have that conversation with her.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #3
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    Well, if you want this to go somewhere, then I would suggest actually dating instead of just hooking up in hotels like your currently doing.


    Yes, it might not work out but that's a risk you take in every relationship. But if you both want to work badly enough it will.


  • #4
    Han2275
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Han2275


    Thanks for replies. We talk about everything. We both know the situation and how tricky things are. I agree with you that a relationship will work if we want it to! Re the hotel meet ups - it's just been easier that way because of the distance. It's not like a sordid affair. We just have a great time together. We make each other laugh so much. And we are also very aware of not getting the children involved until its the right time. Our children will always come first. Neither of us has our children this weekend and I am going up to hers


  • #5
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,787 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Have you asked her the questions that you asked us?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #6
    Han2275
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Han2275


    It goes away for a while. We saw each other this weekend and last Friday. Both at my house. Just felt wonderfully normal. And she declares her love for me, tells me she's never felt like this for anyone, and once again this evening it's the same conversation in hr phone that we can't go on like this forever and that she has life plans and doesn't want to just be seeing me once a fortnight for the next ten years. Neither do I but I guess I just don't think that far ahead. I believe life takes you where it wants. Yes you can make plans and have dreams but they don't always happen like you want them to. I think the other huge issue is that I am here in Ireland because my ex will not let me return to England with our children. I am ok with that now, I have a good life here, but she clearly thinks that that also means I have to stay exactly where she wants to be; here with her family on the doorstep. She is talking about buying a house next year and I just feel like she still controls my whole life! She still holds me exactly where she wants me to be and she has everything and everyone that she wants.


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  • #7
    dory
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 4,480 Mod ✭✭✭✭dory


    Han2275 wrote: »
    It goes away for a while. We saw each other this weekend and last Friday. Both at my house. Just felt wonderfully normal. And she declares her love for me, tells me she's never felt like this for anyone, and once again this evening it's the same conversation in hr phone that we can't go on like this forever and that she has life plans and doesn't want to just be seeing me once a fortnight for the next ten years. Neither do I but I guess I just don't think that far ahead. I believe life takes you where it wants. Yes you can make plans and have dreams but they don't always happen like you want them to. I think the other huge issue is that I am here in Ireland because my ex will not let me return to England with our children. I am ok with that now, I have a good life here, but she clearly thinks that that also means I have to stay exactly where she wants to be; here with her family on the doorstep. She is talking about buying a house next year and I just feel like she still controls my whole life! She still holds me exactly where she wants me to be and she has everything and everyone that she wants.

    Your ex wants to live next door?? Either she's very over you or very not over you. You need to deal with that situation first. Explain that you may some day be living with someone else. She may not like to see that relationship on her doorstep.

    With regards the other woman I'd say give her space, let her think this out. If she had a week or two with on meet up she might realise what she wants. I only say this as I had my heart broken by someone who felt worrying about the future was more important that living in the present. She needs to figure out where she is with this.


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