Mental Illness query

Adena · 02-10-2014 10:14pm #1

I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in varying degrees of severity over the years and have reached the point where I think that there might be something more serious wrong with my mind.

I am seeing a therapist for the first time this week (6 months after I told my doctor I'd been suicidal) but because I've been frustrated I have been trying to "find out" what is wrong with me by myself. My problem with this (just one of my problems, clearly) is that I've heard it said before that crazy people never know they're crazy. So I'm thinking that if I think I am crazy and that I have been in denial and masking it for a long time.... does this mean that I'm not crazy but that I'm just desperately trying to pin a name to what I am tormenting myself with most days.

I am a bit worried that there is really nothing wrong with me and that I am just one of these people that aren't happy unless there is something wrong with them. I don't want to be like that as previously I have been reluctant to visit the doctor with coughs, colds, etc, unless they didn't clear up with rest and lemsips, and have normally just wanted to sort myself out so I don't bother my doctor unnecessarily. For the past few years though it seems as though I am always at the doctors as I have an unstable thyroid problem and the depression and anxiety, of course.

Manic depression runs in one side of my family and I read up on that to see if I recognise my issues and I don't. There was a link on the page to a condition which can sometimes be confused with manic depression called "Borderline Personality Disorder" which seems to fit me better. I don't tick all the boxes. The main one I would say I disagree with is the clinginess in toxic relationships. I have had nothing but disastrous relationships, both platonic, sexual and familial, but instead of clinging to them I am very unforgiving and will ditch someone the moment I think I see them acting in a way that I think will lead to them rejecting me. In fact these days I find I am deliberately avoiding people and feel edgy and nervous about meeting new people as experience has told me that they find me likable at first and then either find me annoying or just get bored of me. I feel upset that I apparently have this affect on people when I just try and be a good person, and also I feel guilty as I must be doing something wrong for people to not like me. People wouldn't dislike me if I was a nice person.

Sorry this is so long, and I do realise that it's not possible to get medical assistance here. I am just interested if anyone has any experience of self diagnosis and whether having a mental problem actually means that I lack the perspective to properly compare my behaviour to the criteria listed on information websites for disorders? Also, I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar problems themselves and how I can try to cope while I'm waiting for my treatment to kick in.

Penny Tration · 02-10-2014 10:43pm

I'm not a medical professional, and I'm not giving medical advice.

Everything you've been saying could all be attributed to your anxiety to be honest. I have bi-polar (what you called manic depression) and anxiety, and what you've described is pretty much exactly how I feel when my anxiety is worse than usual.

With regards to the online testing - it can help. The way it can help is that it can convince people to see a doctor. It's not meant as a diagnosis tool.

Borderline is something that a LOT of people have disappear when they hit their mid-late twenties, so depending on your age, it may not apply.

To be honest, there's nothing you can do until you see a therapist. A therapist can't diagnose you anyway. You need to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

You say that you've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety over the years. Has the diagnosis come from a psychiatrist, or a GP? If a gp, you seriously need to go to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

Adena · 02-10-2014 10:56pm

green_screen wrote: »

I'm not a medical professional, and I'm not giving medical advice.

Everything you've been saying could all be attributed to your anxiety to be honest. I have bi-polar (what you called manic depression) and anxiety, and what you've described is pretty much exactly how I feel when my anxiety is worse than usual.

With regards to the online testing - it can help. The way it can help is that it can convince people to see a doctor. It's not meant as a diagnosis tool.

Borderline is something that a LOT of people have disappear when they hit their mid-late twenties, so depending on your age, it may not apply.

To be honest, there's nothing you can do until you see a therapist. A therapist can't diagnose you anyway. You need to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

You say that you've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety over the years. Has the diagnosis come from a psychiatrist, or a GP? If a gp, you seriously need to go to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

Hi,

Thanks for replying. In regards to my diagnosis for depression and anxiety I have been diagnosed by my GP with the questionnaires you have to fill in where you have to tick the box to say how often you have felt a certain way.

I had the depression/anxiety before my thyroid problem diagnosis and thought that the thyroid issue was the "answer" to all my issues and that I would see improvements but this has not been the case. I have been medicated for my thyroid in increasing doses for a couple of years now.

I am 30 now and can look back and see that I've had problems that I've masked since having problems at home as a teenager, although I wasn't exactly a normal kid before that. Saying that I don't know why I am now so obsessive and fixated on things that happened 15 years ago when for the 10 years after the events I barely thought of them. I have never been suicidal before either, not even as a teen (I think smoking weed at that age calmed all my thoughts down at that stage). At Easter I seriously planned to kill myself because I was exhausted and felt like I was never going to stop tormenting myself, I arranged for my son to stay with my dad for a week, I knew where I was going to do it, I bought a carpet knife and some booze, went to the woods and was going to cut my wrists after writing a note asking that my mum doesn't get custody of my son due to her alcoholism. I couldn't do it because I was worried that my committing suicide might lead the authorities to think that my judgement of my mum was not sound and place him with her anyway.

Sorry I'm rambling but people have literally told me to my face that they don't want to hear about my childhood because it depresses them and I know I'm annoying people by talking about it (although I feel compelled to talk about it as if I can't stop myself) so I thought that if I put it on here people can choose whether or not to read what I putting on here, rather than me "bombarding" people with my crap.

Summer wind · 03-10-2014 2:32am

Hi Adena I'm not a doctor but you don't sound crazy to me. You just sound really lonely and confused and in need of a friend to talk to. It's normal as we get older to look back on things that happened years ago and wish we handled them differently. I know I do. You should try to have a routine maybe go to bed around the same time at night and get up the same time each day. Do you get any exercise during the day? Maybe a small walk in the fresh air would be nice with your son or dad.

You have a good relationship with both your son and dad so that is something to hold onto and be thankful for. Maybe before you see your therapist you could write a list of things you want to say in case you forget and have to wait until the next session. I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon.

CaraMay · 03-10-2014 3:40am

Hi op, you can write down all your issues here and you won't be annoying anyone. You sound very clever and clued in to me so trust your own instinct about what is happening to you. I don't have any wisdom to offer but just wanted to say you can get advice here and I for one will be interested in hearing what you have to say, even if I can't offer any advice

sunshine and showers · 03-10-2014 3:53am

I would suggest perhaps asking your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist for assessment. Not all GPs have specialist enough training to know that there are subcategories with the diagnosis of depression, such as atypical depression, dysthymia, melancholic depression, etc. (Not inferring your doc doesn't, just know from experience.)

Please continue with the course of treatment prescribed. Sometimes it takes a while to "kick in" as it were, or you have to discuss different options with your doctor to get it right. Don't feel there's any shame in seeing your doctor about it when you need to.

Semele · 03-10-2014 10:52am

I agree with the above post and I would also suggest that you get a referral to a clinical psychologist for therapy. A combination of medical (psychiatric) and therapeutic input is frequently shown to be the most effective way to treat mental distress. Getting a suitable medication sorted would help you feel better, and psychology/therapy can help you to find answers to your questions about meaning, to make sense of your experiences in a way that is meaningful to you. Learning about the factors that have sparked or contributed to your mental distress, both long ago and more recently, and the things that maintain your current situation, will help you to identify coping strategies and ways of staying well in future.

Laois6556 · 03-10-2014 1:02pm

I don't have any answers but it seems to me that seeing a therapist alone wont solve anything or just talking to your gp or talking to a psychiatrist, or going on medication or any of that stuff. It's a combination of everything that seems to work for people and it's always a different combination. Trial and error I think.
Like you might be seeing a therapist and it's not working out so you try a different therapist or you might be on one type of medication and it's not helping so you try another type. Eventually you'll find the things that work for you. That's what I pick up from people's stories but again I'm not an expert and I haven't found the answers.
See how you get on with the therapist and book an appointment for a psychiatrist as others have said. You're definitely not crazy so just look after yourself and remember you're not alone battling this. Others are here to help and understand.

Adena · 03-10-2014 4:02pm

Thanks for all your advice and understanding. I think because I annoy everyone at work due to them not understanding my situation properly (and why should they - they aren't social workers) they are the wrong people to be confiding in and it makes them dislike and want to avoid me. I thought I was just being paranoid about this but today I actually heard a bloke mutter "because you're stupid" in response to a silly humorous conversation I was having with another person. I have thought for ages that this bloke and others don't like me but hoped I was just being paranoid and I've never heard or seen enough to say for sure that this is the case but now because it turns out I was right about him thinking I'm stupid and not liking me I'm thinking maybe I'm not so paranoid after all and just have been picking up body language etc.

I'm afraid I'm not that close to my dad but trust him to care for my son for a few days at a time. He kicked me out when I was 14 and wasn't allowed to talk to or see me due to his ex girlfriend giving him an ultimatum so I resent him and can't seem to forget about it enough to think of him the same "daddies girl" way I did as a teenager.

I am going to a walk in centre now as the therapist I saw was lovely but I feel like I need some medication and she didn't seem to take me very seriously when I said I thought I had borderline disorder, or at least something similar.

Thanks again for your help. I hope I can get sorted out eventually so I can just be a good mum and get along better in life in general, rather than feel like I'm on an unpredictable autopilot. Grrrrrr.

Adena · 03-10-2014 9:30pm

Hi,

I went to my appointment and the lady was very nice but didn't seem very confident in my assessment of my situation in regards to my familiarity to the symptoms of borderline personality disorder. She said she will check with her supervisor, the clinic psychological head or something and see if the information I've given them about myself matches that. She obviously couldn't prescribe me any medication so I tried to make an appointment with my GP but there weren't any left so I went to the walk in clinic as recommended by the receptionist there. When I got there they said they couldn't do it so I gave up and took my son to the fair that was in town instead. No point winding myself up about, I'll try 111 tomorrow to get an out of hours appointment other wise I'll lose my nerve by Monday.

The therapist said she thinks I have social phobia, which some of the symptoms do match how I feel sometimes but I am fine meeting new people initially, I just clam up when I've known them for a bit as I'm thinking that they will just get bored or think I'm stupid or horrible. Saying that, my perception of my situation could be skewed by my current problems.

I'm hoping I will feel better by Monday because I'm not looking forward to going to work and confronting the person I heard call me stupid but if I don't then I will just feel even worse and more nervous in the long run.

It is the weekend, so I will now try and relax and worry about Monday when it comes.

Summer wind · 05-10-2014 5:59pm

Hi Adena it's good to hear that you and your little boy had a nice day out. I'm delighted for you. I don't believe for a minute that you are stupid or horrible. Your well looked after little boy and your job say different. Keep your chin up and take no notice of that guy at work. In every workplace there's always someone like that.
All my best wishes:)

jopax · 05-10-2014 6:49pm

Hi Adena, I just wanted to say you sound pretty normal to me.
You obviously are unwell but that doesn't mean that you are any different from anyone else.
I can understand what you are saying about your gp's surgery being busy, but please make an appointment with a gp that has a good reputation.
It will honestly be the key to getting you the correct help and support, not all doctors are the same, & finding the right one is essential.
Just hold on in there, things will improve with time and help.
Your little boy is lucky to have you as a mum so hold on to that thought.

Adena · 05-10-2014 9:48pm

Thanks Summerwind and Jopax. My little boy is the thing that stops me feeling completely empty 'cause I love him so much but I just don't want how I'm feeling to rub off on him. I'm scared that he will either be like me 'cause of genetics or because he is learning from to be this way. I'm going tomorrow first thing, I've cleared it with my boss, so I've written everything I need to say and hopefully will get the ball rolling there.

As for that bloke at work, I will speak to him alone when I get in and tell him that if he has a problem with me he should say it to my face, or slag me behind my back properly, ie. not just out of earshot.... I don't know how that conversation will pan out because it's a small company and he's been there years (as have most people) and he is popular and the office is extremely clique..... all good fun.

Thanks again for your advice.

Mental Illness query

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