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funniest quote you've ever heard?

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    #62
    Trojan911
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,194 ✭✭✭Trojan911


    "The river still flows, there's just no fish in it"


    A quote from a buddy who got the snip.


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    #63
    CreepingDeath
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,016 ✭✭✭CreepingDeath


    When in dire need of a toilet....

    "The contractions are 1 minute apart and I'm half an inch dilated"


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    #64
    RiotO
    Closed Accounts Posts: 33 ✭RiotO


    Never judge a man until you have walked for one mile in his shoes........................


    .......At least then you're a mile away from him and you have his shoes.


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    #65
    not yet
    Registered Users Posts: 7,008 ✭✭✭not yet


    My personal favourite.......she had a face like a melted bucket or you'd think someone set her face on fire and put it out with a shovel.


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    #66
    fakearms123
    Registered Users Posts: 1,381 ✭✭✭fakearms123


    "Eat my shorts" - Donald Duck 1982

    Donald Duck and his crazy antics! what i never understood is why he wants someone to eat his shorts, i mean he doesnt wear shorts, how is someone suppose to digest cloth, but you have to admit apple crumble tastes lovely.... wait what was i talking about


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    #67
    The Bollox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,372 ✭✭✭The Bollox


    one a friend came up with: "she has a face like someone tried to put out a forrest fire with a screwdriver". first time I heard that I was in tears laughing


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    #68
    Honey-ec
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,844 ✭✭✭Honey-ec


    Spike Milligan's epitaph: Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite.

    "I told you I was ill".


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    #69
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I blame my mother for o poor sex life- all she told me was the man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my wife and i slept in bunkbeds


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    #70
    bottletops
    Closed Accounts Posts: 160 ✭✭bottletops


    If I'd a dog with a face like yours, I'd shave its a_s and make it walk backwards


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    #71
    Homer
    Registered Users Posts: 4,259 ✭✭✭Homer


    She has a fanny like a stab wound in a gorillas back

    She's had more hands up her than sooty

    She's got a face on her like a dog licking piss off a nettle (Billy Connolly I presume)

    It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf club

    She's got a face that would make an onion cry

    Everyone has a right to be ugly but she abuses the privilege

    She's seen more stiffs than Quincy

    She's been cocked more times than elmer fudds shotgun


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    #72
    and2
    Closed Accounts Posts: 143 ✭✭and2


    Zzippy wrote: »
    Its all fun and games til someone misses a period...

    Better late than pregnant!


    shes hot, id eat chips out of her knickers and go back for the grease


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    #73
    C0SM0
    Registered Users Posts: 104 ✭✭C0SM0


    Hungry,
    I'm so hungry i'd eat the bra of a breast of chicken.

    Unlucky:
    If i bet on ducks they would drown.

    Bad aim- footy etc.
    He wouldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat,
    or
    He wouldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel

    Big breasted:
    Jaysus she'd breastfeed an orphanage.

    Facial.
    I gave her a face like a painters radio.

    Sex:
    I rode her like a blackpool donkey


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    #74
    kryogen
    Closed Accounts Posts: 25,953 ✭✭✭✭kryogen


    i wouldnt get up on her to get over a wall

    the tide wouldnt take her out

    When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams

    Don't question GOD, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.


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    #75
    AnonoBoy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,559 ✭✭✭✭AnonoBoy


    RoosterIllusion wrote: »
    Myself and my friends get the most mileage from a line out of Norbit (Eddie Murphy movie).

    This guy is opening up a strip club: "Nothing but cheap, watered down alcohol and fake ass, tig ol' bitties!

    Hencforth can we have a ban for people quoting from **** Eddie Murphy movies please?


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    #76
    pasta-solo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 794 ✭✭✭pasta-solo


    I'm as hungry, I'd ate the hind leg off the lamb of God


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    #77
    Silenceisbliss
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,190 ✭✭✭Silenceisbliss


    IM NOT RACISIT!!....racism is a crime....and crime is for black people.

    hehe, interestingly enough, my friend form ...eh, niger, or nigeria, (somethin like that) told me that quote.

    priceless


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    #78
    Dun laoire
    Registered Users Posts: 1,687 ✭✭✭Dun laoire


    You know that saying "A bit of hard work never harmed anybody"?Well on the back of my bosses van he had one of these stickers you can buy and it had that very saying except it went like this. "A bit of hard work never harmed anybody but i'm not taking any chances". Honestly, that saying suited him down to the ground.


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    #79
    suckslikeafox
    Registered Users Posts: 553 ✭✭✭suckslikeafox


    About a girl with a bugs bunny style set of teeth: the only girl in *village name* who could eat an apple through a letterbox


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    #80
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,016 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Those Churchill ones were class :D.

    Used on many occasions in town and always different when it's splurted out.

    ''Mate I wouldn't touch her with yours''

    Also,

    ''Im not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings''


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    #81
    Dun laoire
    Registered Users Posts: 1,687 ✭✭✭Dun laoire


    suckslikeafox wrote: »
    About a girl with a bugs bunny style set of teeth: the only girl in *village name* who could eat an apple through a letterbox

    through a tennis racket is another one


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    #82
    TPD
    Registered Users Posts: 7,814 ✭✭✭TPD


    You look like a bulldog chewin' a wasp

    You make as much sense as a bag of water


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    #83
    gabgab
    Registered Users Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭gabgab


    Friend with a ferocious hangover........
    How you feeling man?

    "I'v been trying to get this little ****ing monkey of my back all day but he's a wiry little bastard"


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    #84
    Steve_o
    Registered Users Posts: 3,432 ✭✭✭Steve_o


    "She's about as sharp as a sock full of soup" - Can't remember

    "I'd give her a poke if the Tele was broke" - A mate about several women


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    #85
    Des Hynes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 125 ✭✭Des Hynes




    Gordon Strachan

    Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
    Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]


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    #86
    sd123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭sd123


    Quoted from a med student I know:

    Just because you're dumb, doesn't mean you can't talk.

    A quote from my da, when he came home pissed one night aged 15 years:

    Grandmother: Gives out ****e as her son falls in the door, unable to stand, How the fcuk did you manage to get home in that state?

    Dad: Jaysus ma, It wasn't easy!


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    #87
    sd123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭sd123


    Steve_o wrote: »
    ""I'd give her a poke if the Tele was broke" - A mate about several women

    .... I'd give her a banging if i had a nagan!


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    #88
    NoSummer
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭NoSummer


    This is not so much a quote as a funny comment. We once saw this guy we knew from school climbing a wall with difficulty. He had protruding book teeth. Anyway my friend passed an offhand comment about minding his teeth. It was priceless.


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    #89
    dundealgan
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭dundealgan


    A friend about an overly amorous colleague

    'He'd get up on a gust of wind'

    Classic :p


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    #90
    Mclovin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22 ✭Mclovin


    jaysus, he'd get up on a clipped hedge that lad!

    i.e. any port in a storm


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    #91
    4zn76tysfajdxp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    I remember once myself and a few other lads were talking about this guy in our class who everyone bullied recently had to enter drug rehab. Hence the following exchange occurred:

    Lad #1: Man, that's such a shame about Gary, he really used to look up to me.

    Lad #2: What are you talking about? I wouldn't look up to you if I was lying down!

    True story!


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