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Meeting Partner's Friends

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  • 07-02-2014 12:19am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I wasn't sure whether to post this in relationship problems or here, but I hope I've picked the right one.

    Basically my situation is that I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months now. Both of us are out to our friends, and he has met some of my friends a couple of months ago. The problem is that I haven't met any of his friends and I'm not sure if I ever will.

    His friends know he's gay, and they know he's seeing someone but I think he is still somewhat in the closet in the sense that he only came out to his friends recently and his family still doesn't know he's gay.

    Am I wrong to be worried that I haven't met his friends? He's hasn't suggested meeting them and I'm beginning to think he might be ashamed, either of me or his friends. Should I pressure the point or not mention it at all? I really don't know how to approach the situation.

    Thanks.


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    #2
    Rick_
    Registered Users Posts: 2,606 ✭✭✭Rick_


    You said it yourself, his family doesn't know and his friends only just found out recently. He's still adjusting and I imagine at some point you will meet his friends, but he's probably worried that he will be seen out with you by people who don't know he is gay and it gets back to his family.

    Leave it a while, but suggest some day that maybe you both arrange to go out with his friends and go somewhere out of town for the night so less chance of being spotted. Save up for a bit so you can stay over somewhere and it will not only give you an opportunity to meet his friends but it gives you something to look forward to as a couple.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Paddy C wrote: »
    He's still adjusting and I imagine at some point you will meet his friends, but he's probably worried that he will be seen out with you by people who don't know he is gay and it gets back to his family.

    And you are just guessing. How can you possibly know that "he's still adjusting"?

    I'll ask the OP a question, which is why, after being together for 4 months, you have both not discussed the subject? Communication is the key to many relationship problems, and I am curious to know how, after 4 months, you have both managed to avoid the subject?


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    #4
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    I've had a boyfriend for about 3 months now and we've kept ourselves to ourselves - there's no urgent need for us to hang around our friends. It'll surely happen but if you're comfortable with each other, I wouldn't worry too much for now.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I don't think he's worried about people finding out, he's really very casual about the whole being gay and out thing. That's why I'm wondering why I haven't met his friends.

    He always talks about them, and they seem to be a big part of his life. For me, I was actually looking forward to introducing him to my friends because I knew they'd like him, and vice versa.

    Maybe I'm reading too much into it.


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    #6
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    Have you said to him you'd like to meet his friends? It can be a bit nerve recking meeting a lot of new ppl, so may be one or two of his closest friends at first would be a good idea. He may be worried that you may not get on with his friends if they are a big part of his life, he'll want them to like you and vice versa.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    jabarrett35 wrote: »
    Have you said to him you'd like to meet his friends? It can be a bit nerve recking meeting a lot of new ppl, so may be one or two of his closest friends at first would be a good idea. He may be worried that you may not get on with his friends if they are a big part of his life, he'll want them to like you and vice versa.

    I don't think a planned meet up with a couple of his close friends would work. His friends usually go out in a big group so it looks like it's all of his friends or nothing.

    I've never said that I'd like to meet his friends to him because I'm worried I would be pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want to do. Maybe if I could subtly suggest it, but I don't know how. Any ideas?


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    #8
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    don1487 wrote: »
    I don't think a planned meet up with a couple of his close friends would work. His friends usually go out in a big group so it looks like it's all of his friends or nothing.

    I've never said that I'd like to meet his friends to him because I'm worried I would be pressuring him into doing something he doesn't want to do. Maybe if I could subtly suggest it, but I don't know how. Any ideas?

    Why would asking him to meet his friends be pressuring him? Are you worried he'll say no? You could be over thinking it I'm given to that. Just say I'd love to meet your friends and take it from there. If he's comfortable about being gay it really shouldnt be an issue.


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    #9
    checkcheek
    Registered Users Posts: 207 ✭✭checkcheek


    I had a falling out with my best friend cause he wanted me to be really good friends with his girlfriend but i wasn't to bothered (not in a mean way) cause the way i see it is he is my best friend and i want to be friends with him, i know she is an addition but thats kinda it in my eyes


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    #10
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    checkcheek wrote: »
    I had a falling out with my best friend cause he wanted me to be really good friends with his girlfriend but i wasn't to bothered (not in a mean way) cause the way i see it is he is my best friend and i want to be friends with him, i know she is an addition but thats kinda it in my eyes

    It's only natural to want to meet a boyfriend's friends not to want to is in my opinion is showing a lack of interest in the other persons life. Also them not wanting you to meet them says a lot as well.


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    #11
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    jabarrett35 wrote: »
    It's only natural to want to meet a boyfriend's friends not to want to is in my opinion is showing a lack of interest in the other persons life. Also them not wanting you to meet them says a lot as well.

    Not necessarily. I'm interested in the guy I laid eyes on, not all his friends. We're quite close but don't associate social groups in that way. Different relationships have different dynamics. Works for us.


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    #12
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    Cydoniac wrote: »
    Not necessarily. I'm interested in the guy I laid eyes on, not all his friends. We're quite close but don't associate social groups in that way. Different relationships have different dynamics. Works for us.

    In the short term may be but if it's a long term relationship I'm sorry that's just plain odd!


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    #13
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,798 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    jabarrett35 wrote: »
    In the short term may be but if it's a long term relationship I'm sorry that's just plain odd!

    Different people think differently. Some couples like having very independent lives. Some couples like tge opposite.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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