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low libido

  • 08-02-2014 4:53pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi there everyone, I'm a registered boards user but going anon because my partner uses boards too. I am a bi-sexual girl in a relationship with a girl who has a very low libido.

    We've been together for a few years now and we did have more frequent sex at the beginning, but this has petered out to about once every 2 months now and I am going mad.

    Hope this isn't too much info, but basically I'm DIYing it most of the time now, and have begun to not even really miss having sex, with girls that is. Unfortunately I'm spending most of my time fantasising about men now.

    I don't know if it is because the grass is always greener ( I did fantasise about girls when I was with guys but not to this extent) or maybe because I have quite a high libido and it was matched with a man. Having said that though, sometimes my libido was even too high for men!

    So, I don't want to talk about lesbian bed death because I am a bit afraid that this is what is happening and also because I don't like to make generalisations about other couples, this could just be our problem, not a ''lesbian'' problem.

    So, what do I do? We have discussed it before, and if I initiate she will have sex with me and she enjoys it but it just makes me feel like crap, I don't feel desired or attractive in any way, and I'm missing how a man can make me feel so desirable. I'd never cheat on her, that goes without saying really but just to clarify.

    I also do really enjoy the sex we have but I think it is in such a routine now or a chore (like need to do the washing, oh should probably have sex at some point this weekend because it has been way too long already). Yet I am experiencing urges to have sex.

    I love her and I worry is this a problem because I'm bi and I miss men? Is it because she has a low libido? My head is melted. Thanks very much if you managed to get this far.


Comments

  • #2
    Hamhide
    Registered Users Posts: 289 ✭✭Hamhide


    Sometimes it can get like that when you've been together for a while and its deffo not a lesbian problem. Maybe, as you said it has just become routine and she doesn't feel the spark anymore. Try wearing something sexy or introducing something a little spicy into the bedroom. Walk around in something hot and make her want to have sex with you. I'm bi myself and my partner is a guy and although I'd never cheat on him myself I do think about other girls sometimes. But I just think on how much I love him and the better ways we can make sex fresh and interesting. DIYing it is fine if you just fancy some me time but it shouldn't be the only way to be sexually satisfied in you're relationship.


  • #3
    rere
    Registered Users Posts: 107 ✭✭rere


    Don't worry about the diying, it's better than feeling like you're hassling her all the time.

    Has your girlfriend seemed at all down lately?
    Maybe she isn't feeling great herself and that's why her drive has gone down.
    The best thing to do would be to tell you how you're feeling but that you want to be supportive.


  • #4
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Mismatched libidos are the bane of many a couple- myself included. It can be super confusing when it's two women, because we're constantly told that men have high libidos and women have low ones, so if you're a woman with a high libido you end up feeling bloody guilty half the time on top of everything else! So you're mismatched, but tbh op, her not being attracted to you is probably the least likely scenario.

    Have you spoken to her about this? I mean, properly. Because while there is a natural lowering in sex once you've been together for a while (it's chemical!), there may be another reason for your GF's low sex drive. Depression, stress, low self esteem, tiredness all can take their toll, especially for someone who operates on a lower than average libido. It took me ages to realise that while I channel stress into sex, a lot of other people don't. The idea of stress being a cause of low sex drive is completely baffling to me, but there you go.

    You need to find out if there's something underlying your GF's libido, and find ways together to get back to an equilibrium. It's all about balance, and while I agree that if your gf is stressed or whatever that you can't go piling on more pressure, it comes down to both people making compromises, not just one. It might be the case that your gf just doesn't think about sex from one day to the nest. The good thing is she enjoys it when you initiate it- that means it's not you- she just doesn't think of it.

    You still might need to DIY it sometimes to keep your tank topped up. And I know it sounds like a cliche but you could try and come up with stuff together that still makes you feel desired, but doesn't pile pressure on her every day.

    Any of that make sense?


  • #5
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,021 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    Sex, sex, sex (or lack of) wrote: »
    So, what do I do? We have discussed it before . . .
    OK, but have you told her what you’ve told us? Specifically, that:
    Sex, sex, sex (or lack of) wrote: »
    . . . I initiate she will have sex with me and she enjoys it but it just makes me feel like crap, I don't feel desired or attractive in any way
    That bit!

    The issue is not that you need to get shagged. The issues is that you need to feel desired; no amount of taking matters into your own hands is going to get you there. And not having her display any erotic interest in you is undermining you.

    And communication between you has to be good enough that she realises that this is the issue.

    You’ve discussed this before, so you can talk about it, which is more than half the battle. But I think there is more communication that you have to have, covering not just “I need more sex!” or “we have mismatched libidos!”, but the reason why you feel the need for sex.

    At the same time, this can’t turn into a guilt trip (“Your sexual passivity makes me feel like ****!”) The solution to this does not necessarily involve more sex (though that may be part of the solution); it may also involve her finding other ways to express desire and attraction which reassure you and make it easier for both of you to cope with the mismatch between your libidos without your feeling undermined by it or her feeling guilted by it.
    Sex, sex, sex (or lack of) wrote: »
    I also do really enjoy the sex we have but I think it is in such a routine now or a chore (like need to do the washing, oh should probably have sex at some point this weekend because it has been way too long already.
    I’ll be honest; sooner or later, sooner or later “duty sex” happens in most long-term relationships.

    And this is not necessarily a bad thing, since horniness is not the only good reason for having sex. The desire to affirm your relationship, the wish to make someone feel loved or desirable or attractive or to feel valued yourself - these are perfectly good reasons for having sex. Why not?


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